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Newest Member: Summerrains (44694)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: New discovery, old affair
Getting to Happy
♀ Member
Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, January 9th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We have decided that every night we will examine our progress, but that we will also try to spend some time together without talking about the affair. Actually, I may have made a big mistake. My wife was taking a shower and I went into the bathroom to get my aftershave and it happened. I don't know why it happened, but it did.

You have been gravely injured. Your gonna slip up, crimmany, its only been a month since you found out! But now, at least, you feel that she 'gets it'.

I hope that when you feel safe enough you will turn to her when you are feeling sad and in pain. That is when true healing can start.

Turn towards each other, shut out everything else. It can happen, let her help you.

Hang in there. It's a long haul. Take as much time as you need to get to your 'Happy'.


WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Unknown


Posts: 1138 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, January 9th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey, you keep asking the questions that you need to ask. As long as you need to ask and in as much detail as you need to ask. Just don't be surprised if it takes a while for her to get to the absolute bottom of why. Nor if she really doesn't get all the way there. Nor if it never makes sense to you.

I see getting to that bottom as peeling a really strong onion one layer at a time. You peel one layer, kinda sit back a bit with your eyes watering, maybe rinse it off under some water and wipe your eyes, then go back for another layer. It's not instantaneous.

My FHW is still peeling the onion. His excuse started with, and I kid you not, "I wanted to feel pretty." Ah, what? His take on hiding money from me in a separate account and spending it on his EA with a stripper? "I felt like we had a connection."

It took him over a year, to finally realize that the only connection that his stripper felt for him, was the connection to the money in his wallet. Period. Over A Fricking Year, with me, our MC, and his IC all pointing down the path that had dollar bills at the end. The pretty comment is now back in FOO issues about abandonment, and, honestly, because he's walked the path to R in a pretty straight line, went into our marriage issues that contributed to his feelings of abandonment in our marriage. But it's been almost 20 months for us now. And he's still digging up issues.

So keep on with your questions, but do not be surprised if it takes a while to get to the very root of what you truly want to know. It seems very unfair that we BSs can't get that info quickly, but what I try to keep in mind is that his issues are indeed his issues. My issues are mine. We each have to work on our own issues. I will tell you that the minute that he quits working on those issues, then it becomes my choice to decide if I'm good with that.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4715 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
wewillmakeit
♂ Member
Member # 26290
Default  Posted: 6:48 PM, January 9th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

gettohappy said:
I remember in bright edged detail how searing the pain was on DD.

As do I.

All of us BS look back and wonder "what should/could we have done differently/better, if we could have, in reaction to DD".

That's why I express my thoughts on this forum.


Posts: 260 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Midwest
Bdell
Member
Member # 41673
Default  Posted: 12:04 AM, January 10th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As long as she is working hard on her issues, and doing what is needed for rebuilding my trust, I will be patient and meet her half way. I don't expect all of the answers immediately.

Posts: 240 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Indiana
Bdell
Member
Member # 41673
Default  Posted: 12:26 AM, January 10th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One of the things I appreciate about SI is that by reading some of the posts, it helps to kick start the little gray cells.
OK Now and Getting to Happy, your posts have helped me to understand one of those nagging "why" questions I've had since I discovered the affair. So I went back and re-read some of the earlier IC notes.
In the beginning of one of her sessions, the IC was trying to get my wife to explain about having sex with the OM. She (IC) was asking my wife if our sex life wasn't good. My wife said that our sex life was one of the best parts of our marriage, and was much better than with the OM. The IC then asked her, if that is true, WHY she had sex with him? My wife's answer was , she had to, or"he would leave her like everybody else had". This gives me a huge insight into her mindset. It's clear that she had a lot of resentment about her situation, and was very lonely.
Think about it objectively. Her husband, her kids, her best friend, her father and her sister had either left her alone or was dying. Pretty much all of her support network was missing, when she needed it.

Posts: 240 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Indiana
Bdell
Member
Member # 41673
Default  Posted: 7:14 AM, January 11th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think we are past the initial shock of the discovery. My wife is doing everything I want and a huge amount more. We have a lot to look forward to. The results of the DNA test should be in a few days (although I don't really know how long it usually takes). her first IC session with her new counselor is Monday. The polygraph is tentatively scheduled for the last week in January, because her mom is having surgery this coming week. I have made up my mind to take her on my fishing trip. She has relatives in Florida, and she can visit while I am catching all the fish. I think she has done real good since the discovery, and she could use a breather, just like me.

Posts: 240 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Indiana
toomanyregrets
♂ Member
Member # 37740
Default  Posted: 8:15 AM, January 11th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bdell,
I'm so glad that your working through this. I know exactly how hard it is.
I know that you and your WW will get through this terrible thing.


BH - 64
fWW - 59

"Affairs are not mistakes, they are a series of deliberate choices." - CrappyLife


Posts: 457 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Upstate NY
Getting to Happy
♀ Member
Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, January 11th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think we are past the initial shock of the discovery. My wife is doing everything I want and a huge amount more. We have a lot to look forward to.

Your tone has changed. Clearer, loving. It's a beautiful thing. I'm glad because this betrayal is not easy to weather.

Remember what Margo Channing/Bette Davis said~

Fasten your seatbelts, it's going to be a bumpy night!

She ain't never lied! Get ready for the Infidelity Rollercoaster.

Just a fair warning to you and your WW. This is a 2-5 year journey. I hate to be a Debby Downer, just wanted to give you a heads up.

You and your WW are smart folks, look up the 5 stages of grief. I wish that someone had warned me of what to expect.

Just know that you and only you will have to experience all of these emotions. And your WW will need to persevere while your mind and soul ebbs and flows through these stages.

Not so much fun...but necessary for healthy human emotional progress. It is a natural reaction to trauma.

If Infidelity isn't traumatic, I don't know what is!!!

The old marriage is dead, let it go. Nothing will be the same, you two are not the same. Everything is new. She will need to woo you so that you will want to make the journey back to loving her...you both will be setting new boundaries, there will be more transparency.

Most of all the new and improved love for each other will begin to blossom...grow. The grief will make for some big hiccups but the strength of your bonds to each other will provide the balm needed to ease your way through.

Like I said before, turn to each other for solace.

Jimminy Cricket got it right... These words are so true. When you have been gravely injured by your true love, that is when the quest back to each other begins. I always think of this song:

When you wish upon a star
Makes no difference who you are
Anything your heart desires
Will come to you


If your heart is in your dream
No request is too extreme

When you wish upon a star
As dreamers do



WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Unknown


Posts: 1138 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
Bdell
Member
Member # 41673
Default  Posted: 10:42 PM, January 12th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Since we are now in some kind of recovery, I think I will close out this thread. Many, many thanks to all who posted. Regardless of whether we agreed or not, I have learned a lot from you and will continue in the reconciliation thread. Thanks again!!

Posts: 240 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Indiana
mike7
♂ Member
Member # 38603
Default  Posted: 10:56 PM, January 12th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

well done my friend. i was hoping you would come to that conclusion. based on all you've written I think you've made the right decision.

realize, of course, you will still have ups and downs, and will question yourself. But you have a wife who is really trying and that's the key component. I have faith that things will work out. good luck


BH 53
WW 52
Two kids 21, 18

DDay 1/15/2013


Posts: 541 | Registered: Mar 2013
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