[This message edited by lordhasaplan? at 12:43 PM, December 16th (Monday)]
One thing I HAVE decided, my wife must prove everything she tells me. I am going to take her word for nothing, for the foreseeable future.
You are a wise man. Even after a couple of years I still verify sometimes. However I have also dealt with this by realizing that nothing I do will stop her if she wants to cheat again. If she does I will D her. She knows that. It is tremendously freeing to realize you will be fine either way. She is optional in your future. She always was, but you were reminded of that through this experience. Start gaining back the parts of you that were sacrificed to become one half of a M. Be whole on your own and stay M only if it enhances what is already there. Let your W carry the burden she brought into the M. You can always walk away if it comes to that.
My SIL called me and has said that my wife is a basket case.
Be wary. Blood is thicker than water. Only a basket case ? My W went catatonic and cried so hard she threw up. She later admitted to her IC that she wanted to end everything. Insist she seek help if it starts to get worse. What is her plan ? What is she doing right now ? Actions, not words. Words, especially from someone who lied to you, are cheap. What is her plan to win you back ? Does she even want to ?
It sucks when dealing with the consequences of your choices. Mind you, it was a choice. A deliberate one.
So I agreed to talk to her.
Talking is fine. This is a confusing thing too. Don't commit to anything. I don't know is an acceptable answer. I am not sure right now. Give it some time to sink in. General rule of thumb is to give it 6 months before making any big life altering decisions. Then re-evaluate. The point being let the intense emotions ebb. Rational thinking is hard with so many emotions flying all over the place.
She told me that after my wife ended the affair, my wife went to a marriage counselor, who advised her to not confess but to end the affair and work on " being the best wife she could be".
Why is your SIL telling you this instead of your W ? It sounds like your SIL may be telling you things to try and soften you up to take her back. Manipulation, if you ask me.
The best wife she could have been would have been honest with you. Especially about things that effect your life in a big way. Follow up with the MC. Ask your W to sign a release with the MC. MC will not disclose otherwise.
MC is a mixed bag. I have had my own experiences that were not exactly positive. Encouraging one spouse to lie to other is not really sound advice.
If you do MC again, I would look for another one. Would you trust this MC again ? They colluded to deceive you in the past, why would the future be any different ?
I know I sound harsh, but this is a script your W and SIL have written awhile ago. I would advise that you not share anything with your SIL you don't want your W to know. After all SIL lied to you too.
You are doing better than I was at this stage. You are going to be fine. It will get worse before it gets better, but believe me when I say people do survive this and are happy again.
DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.
Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.
I'm sure others have a differing opinion. But, I know that I would rather being living in ignorant bliss right now than the hell I'm in.
I hate this advice, but it is not uncommon. That is equivalent to saying live a lie the rest of your life and donít let your spouse have the power to choose what is correct for them you choose it for them.
Keep the conversation between you and your W and on your terms from now on. Involving kids and outlaws only complicates matters. Continue to verify everything said and if you want to Reconcile and try to repair it starts with a NC letter, STD testing, A timeline of the affair and getting a long fu**ing way away from that counselor who told her to lie. Find another one who has experience with infidelity. You both need to start reading ASAP book on how to recover from an affair, with or without your marriage.
This shit sucks man, no two ways about it. I have had 2 wifeís who cheated on me. I have taken both paths (divorce and reconciliation), neither any easier than the other. I wish you well.
[This message edited by lordhasaplan? at 2:43 PM, December 16th (Monday)]
One thing I insisted on was no physical intimacy until I had time to come to terms with this disaster. I couldn't deal with this and the betrayal at the same time, and damned if I was going to reward him for cheating.
Again congratulations on being firm and decisive. You seem to be digging out the truth and reconciliation will be that much easier as a consequence.
It is hell not knowing what the next year of your life is gonna look like, she pulled the rug out from under your feet...
So please don't commit to R any time soon..Tell her that she essentially threw a fire ball at your marriage and reduced your relationship to charcoal..
It is normal to take a long time before letting her know if you even want to R with her or not...IMHO she deserves to be in limbo...
Lay out your conditions of R whenever you feel strong enough and think you may be heading in that direction..
For safety sake consult a lawyer (specialist in family law/divorce) to see what rights and entitlements you have in divorce.. Follow the lawyers advice to protect yourself financially and legally so you aren't reduced to financial ruin should you decide to divorce her..
Sending you strength
I am not sure where these MC's or IC's come from.
But I do agree with this:
Personally, I could buy the story about the MC telling her not to tell you. I personally think it is selfish of the WS to tell the BS if the BS would never find out and the BS did truly end the affair and recommitted themselves to their marriage. If that's what happened in your case, then I would give your WW some credit for it. Please know that I'm not trying to justify her actions at all though.
I love this advice..I know all of us give this same advice here but the way this was worded struck a cord with me...This is a perfect description of what the 180 is about IMHO..
Your wife obviously did not take into account you or your feelings prior to undertaking this affair. I see no reason you should tailor your response to try and protect her or her feelings.
You're doing what you feel is necessary and just, and I do admire it.
The fact that it looks like punishment is actually a plus. She should feel like she's being punished IMHO.
yes, she did a fucked up thing. It's inexcusable. I'm pretty sure she's aware of it.
You may never get over this. for a lot of people an affair is a deal-breaker. This shouldn't be a surprise. Affairs kill marriages.
But don't rush to conclusions. i would wait at least 6 months before you make a decision.
And after you vent on her and she feels lower than shit. Ease up. Never strike her, even if you feel she deserves it. There have been times that she has treated you well. So treat her with mercy now. That doesn't mean you have to reconcile. It just means that you are a good person and recognize that she is a person who is hurting pretty badly now too.
when this shit happens, it's time to act with integrity and kindness (as soon as possible) and make a decision that is right for you.
Right now, there is no way for you to know what is right for you. You are too hurt. but you will eventually. And when you know it, you won't be angry anymore. Maybe just sad that things turned out a certain way. or maybe forgiving and grateful in the end, that you still have her.
A lot of BSs here do not have that choice. Their WSs are not remorseful and it shatters them. in this one small area, you are lucky.
Take your time. detach a little. work out. use this as an opportunity to be the person you can be proud of too.
Best of luck.
I find it..odd. As a BW, I very well remember the moment I found out WH cheated. I was a mess that day..I have been on SI for a few years..I think it's safe to say 99% of BW's are a mess on dday.
But his BW? She not only had the presence of mind to call you..she did so at your WW..the OW's..request.
Something doesn't add up.
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.