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User Topic: New discovery, old affair
OK now
♀ Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 5:59 AM, December 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with mike7, give it a few months before making a final decision. She deserves that much after 27 years.

You need to find out just why she needed sex from another man; were they having an affair? was she emotionally involved? did he turn her on sexually?

Get her to write everything down in a letter or e-mail and send it to you; that way there is no emotional/hostile face to face confrontation and you can look at the bald facts.

I also agree with mike7 that you should lay off the humiliation. She is totally remorseful and degrading her in front of your children is a tad heartless. Show some compassion for her situation; she is acutely aware she has degraded her marriage and it will never be the same. Don't drive her over the edge; she may do something self-harmful or end up with a breakdown.


Posts: 1480 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
hurtsobadinside
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Member # 35308
Default  Posted: 6:00 AM, December 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bdell

Sending you great strength to get thru this mess and roller coaster ride thats only in the beginning.

You are with friends here....we can help you through this...come her often and continue to post often as you have.

Right now she is in her FOG...she will say anything to minimize... she couldnt look you in the eye because she is so embarassed at what she did... her actions are in conflict with her core values...this is normal for waywards once their affairs become known. Waywards never think about what to do after they get cought until after they get cought.

The decistion to stay or leave is up to you...however, many of us here will tell you not to make any hasty decision at this time...you can always file for "D".... take a little time to sort thru this mess.


Suggest reading the healing library here at SI (print articles for your WW to read also) 3 great books that helped many here...Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass, How to help your spouse heal from your affiar--Linda Macdonald and After the Affair--Janis Spring all avail on amazon.

Right now make sure to eat, exercize and stay hydrated. Do not give her all the info you have uncovered as they ask what you know..and will not say anything more (minimuze and TT)....Get into MC and IC for both of you. She needs to find out why she could do this...she is broken brother....

and when you ask WHY... if any part of her answer involves another person (most likely you) she is not on the right track and needs to dig deeper.

I send you strength friend....this is a horrible ride...that WE did not buy our own ticket for

I did not tell anyone...parents, friends, our daughter nobody knows...and i dont regret that choice today... everyone is different


me: 58
her WW- 57
7 yr LTA (PA & EA) with her former boss
one D-24 yrs old- former eating disorder now OCB
married 25 yrs
in "R" and its been roller-coaster
D-day 3-13-12
confronted 6 wks later (dropped 35# in those 6 wks and spent 2 days in the hospital with severe chest pains--thought I was having a heart attack)
I contacted AP's faithful wife outed their "A" (she knew nothing)and we both kept tabs on our waywards
True NO Contact- July 2012
Fog, denials, blame shifting, rub sweeping, TT selfish, stubborn...lots of mal-adapted coping skills, no boundaries...you name it and she did it but things are finally getting better very slowly
its a long road....and painful


Posts: 151 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Illinois
Bdell
Member
Member # 41673
Default  Posted: 7:14 AM, December 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks to everybody who has posted. It really, really helps, a lot. I'm pretty sure that it was the guy's wife I talked to, because she asked me some personal questions about her husband and said that she would like to meet me to talk about it. I think, and it's just my opinion, but from the way she talked, this sort of thing has happened before. She seemed much more concerned about protecting their business and kids than she was about protecting her husband. Both she and her husband seem to want to bend over backwards to tell me everything, if I don't do anything to their family. Apparently, after 9/11 they received a lot of threats and so are very nervous about this situation. Of course, I would never harm anybody, but they don't know that. Maybe this might be a way to get all of the info I need and to make sure that my CW is telling me the truth?

Posts: 240 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Indiana
Bdell
Member
Member # 41673
Default  Posted: 7:20 AM, December 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As far as not humiliating my CW, I didn't tell her to tell the kids to humiliate her, but to gauge her sincerity and remorse. Although, frankly, I"m not particularly concerned about her feelings right now. If she doesn't like it , she can stay at her sister's forever. I'm also doubting our whole marriage life. How do I know this hasn't happened before? How do I know that my kids are mine, even? If she would cheat once, maybe she could cheat twice? Who knows?

Posts: 240 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Indiana
Bdell
Member
Member # 41673
Default  Posted: 7:31 AM, December 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Even if she only had one affair, what about the last 4 years of cheating and living a lie? She called me first thing this morning, and I asked her if I needed to get DNA tests on the kids. She swore that I didn't need to do it but if it would help me to be sure, she wouldn't object. I was not very pleasant about it. But she called herself much worse names than I would ever call her.

Posts: 240 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Indiana
Bdell
Member
Member # 41673
Default  Posted: 8:04 AM, December 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She told me that she will tell me everything. Every thought she had, every minute they spent together, everything they did, every conversation they had as much as she can remember. She will gladly do IC or MC if I want her to, take as many lie detector tests as I want her to. Anything and everything to prove herself. She went on a long time with about a million promises of love and remorse. I told her to stop and repeated that she has 1 month to prove that she has told me everything, and she gets 0 do-overs. 1 single lie and we divorce. That is how it stands right now. I will say, that she hasn't used the kids, hasn't mentioned our former married life and hasn't excused herself of anything. She told me that it was all her fault.

Posts: 240 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Indiana
Bdell
Member
Member # 41673
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, December 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry everybody, I just keep rambling on, don't I? I wish I could get some rest and peace.

Posts: 240 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Indiana
RealityStinks
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Member # 41457
Default  Posted: 8:27 AM, December 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A lot of BSs here do not have that choice. Their WSs are not remorseful and it shatters them. in this one small area, you are lucky.

What mike7 said, +1.

It sounds like your WW is very remorseful. Count that as a blessing my friend. The rage and anger is the same on the other side of the fence when they are not remorseful. At least right now, it seems she is willing to help you get past all this crap that she caused. It's pure hell when you catch them and they show no remorse and continue to lie. It makes you doubt yourself on top of everything else.

I tend to give credit where credit is due. And while I think what your WW did is horrible and inexcusable, right now she seems to be doing the right thing. Give her credit for that.

Finally, time will change your feelings. I know mine have. Right now, you have your own "rage fog" and are not thinking clearly. I would also encourage you to wait for awhile to make any decisions.


Me - BS - 29
Her - STBXWW - 30
No kids
M - 8.5 years
Together - 11 years

Posts: 412 | Registered: Nov 2013
MC_Jack
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Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 8:43 AM, December 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So treat her with mercy now. That doesn't mean you have to reconcile. It just means that you are a good person and recognize that she is a person who is hurting pretty badly now too.

when this shit happens, it's time to act with integrity and kindness (as soon as possible) and make a decision that is right for you.

^^^this should be emphasized, considering your WW's response thus far.


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" in the spirit of a handle like "MC Hammer" or Young MC"...there is a lot of 'rapping' here, no? At the time I did not know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 792 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: West Coast of Hopa-hopa-land
OK now
♀ Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 9:05 AM, December 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Its astonishing how your wife obviously cares for you and the marriage very deeply yet she cheated on two occasions; spending a lot of time with the OM [two weekends].

Everything in life was going her way, world at her feet, truly blessed - and she goes and cheats. What was she thinking about? What possible excuse can she have for such stupidity? Truly inexplicable.

If you examine the frequency of female adultery in great marriages; marriages with no problems, great sex life, total harmony; [as you described], it has to less than 1% I can testify every female I know who has cheated was chock full of resentment or disillusionment. This makes your wife one very unusual woman.
Or were there any undisclosed resentments your wife used to justify her adultery? Something of a mystery you need to clear up.


Posts: 1480 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
lordhasaplan?
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Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, December 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK,
My W fits into your 1% then.
My W will tell you to this day she was very happy in our marriage. In fact it was perfect, so perfect she didnít deserve it. Fucked up I know. She felt she was not worthy of love and questioned everything good about her life. She was deeply in the rabbit hole and could spin any act of kindness into a negative. He only says he loves me because he has too. I know he bought me flowers but only because he has too. Any act of love can be swung around in the broken brain.
She truly had the ability to separate the two worlds and used one as an outlet for self-hate and destructive behaviors, the ones she deservedÖ.. This was all unbeknownst to everyone around her. She was the one who had it all together. Not so much. Now with a lot of hard work she has gone a long way to putting our M back together. She still goes to bi-weekly counseling and is a changed person within. She was worth giving the opportunity too. WE have a different marriage now, one forever marked by the scar she caused. But it is none the less good with the potential for great in the future if she continues the work.
You two can put this back together it can be done. I was right where you are twice. Once I divorced and one I decided to give her the chance. Both were very difficult, but the rewards for giving her an opportunity have been great. Take it one day one minute one second at a time and make it a high bar for her to clear, I did and she gets up every day with her jumping shoes on.


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1797 | Registered: Nov 2010
numb&dumb
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Member # 28542
Default  Posted: 9:23 AM, December 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are definitely taking charge. From what you have posted your W seems to be willing to do whatever it takes. That is something not all BH get. Just saying. Be mindful of that and watch to ensure that it is kept up. Slip ups are bound to happen. Nobody is perfect. You already know this, but your W isn't either. Focus on the effort. I think the effort helped me as much as the effect does.

One thing that that helped me and my W was the 5 love languages. I know it is hard for some guys to get past the title, again, trust me. If will help you and your W understand what is needed to repair the damage.

I have to tell you that is kind of a rare thing, normally. However since there are an extra 4 year thrown in, it looks like your W determined she has, forgive the vulgarity, owned her shit. My W would have, had she had the skills.

This sucks, I know. Focus on short term right now. Keep your options open. Everyone's first reaction is usually to D. Give yourself permission to change your mind. Ask your W for what you need. I know it seems wrong, but you will get to a better place faster with her support. It takes a great man to endure this and you seem to be made of stern stuff.

As far as WW go, yours seems to be doing exactly what she needs to do. While it is hard a small acknowledgement on your W efforts can be good for you too.Live with integrity in all that you do. No matter the outcome you will have to live with yourself for a long time.

I am not pushing you in either direction. You have to give these things time. IC was a godsend for me and the effort my W put in made my decision to stick around logically easier. Emotionally it will never feel the same, if that makes sense. Logic is useful in times of crisis.

While the paternity question lingers, have that done. I did. The last thing you want is to have doubts. It helped me move beyond some of the hurt and just be their Dad. Lingering doubts have a way of doing that. It also provides a verification that your W is telling the truth.

One foot in front of the other, day by day is the only way to get through. Take care of yourself.


Me-35 her-35

DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.

Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.


Posts: 2457 | Registered: May 2010
toomanyregrets
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Member # 37740
Default  Posted: 12:23 PM, December 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"We got there and the MC verified what my wife had said. I got angry and a little loud, so the MC, the Office manager and my CW went into the office and the Office Manager explained that she and the MC had discussed my CW's affair and her mental state and decided that , for the time being, my CW shouldn't disclose the affair, BUT this was only supposed to be temporarary, until they felt that my CW was emotionally strong enough to tell me the truth. It was my CW who got it wrong, which figures."

Sounds to me like your WW and her IC are trying to cover their asses.


BH - 63
fWW - 59

"Affairs are not mistakes, they are a series of deliberate choices." - CrappyLife


Posts: 430 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Upstate NY
happyman64
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Member # 33212
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, December 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bdell

you have carried yourself so well in such a short amount of time.

Please take care of yourself right now. Eat, drink water and try to sleep.

I know you are angry at her and you have every right to be but do not let yourself get carried away.

Do not make any long term decisions or a while until your emotions have settled down.

Your wife sounds remorseful. She is not lying. Did she make some terrible decisions? Hell yeah.

It is interesting that she only had one affair but it actually sounds like she sought professional help and realized what horrible decisions she has made.

Hopefully she will be able to help you understand why she did this (really sounds like it has nothing to do with you) and what boundaries she put in place so this never happens again.

HM


Posts: 676 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New York
Bdell
Member
Member # 41673
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, December 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't make any decisions for 6 months? Are you kidding me? I don't know much , but I do know that I'm not waiting 6 months to decide if I divorce her or not. I have heard that the WS needs to make a timeline of the affair. Well, I have made a timeline too. She has 1 month to prove she is worth attempting reconciliation for. She has 1 opportunity to tell me every single detail of the affair, including WHY. In 6 months this marriage will either be over, or she will have been able to prove herself worthy of continuing it. I have busted my ass for her, for 27 years. Now she is going to bust her ass to prove she is the kind of woman I WANT to be married to. As far as I'm concerned, our marriage ended 4 years ago.

Posts: 240 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Indiana
Bdell
Member
Member # 41673
Default  Posted: 4:16 PM, December 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WE have a little pottery figurine that we bought together when we were first dating. It's two little turtles with a heart in between them, that says "Always and forever". It is her most prized possession. She had it in the delivery room when Our kids were born. She TOLD me that she slept with it every night that I was working away. I slept with the stupid thing last night. I took it over to her sister's and put it in my CW's hands. I have never seen anybody sob like that in my life.

Posts: 240 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Indiana
MC_Jack
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Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 5:46 PM, December 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Are you kidding me? I don't know much , but I do know that I'm not waiting 6 months to decide if I divorce her or not.
^^^We have all been there - we have been this angry too...and just as wounded. But you have been married 27 years - it is worth 6 months to see where this goes.

again, like Mike said,

So treat her with mercy now...It just means that you are a good person and recognize that she is a person who is hurting pretty badly now too...when this shit happens, it's time to act with integrity and kindness (as soon as possible)...
^^^be careful of saying (or doing) things that YOU will regret in the future. You will need to find an outlet for your anger pronto.


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" in the spirit of a handle like "MC Hammer" or Young MC"...there is a lot of 'rapping' here, no? At the time I did not know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 792 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: West Coast of Hopa-hopa-land
Skan
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Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 6:49 PM, December 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are, rightfully, filled with rage right now. Filled with betrayal and disbelief, and your mind is going 100 places all at the same time. Up to this point, you have done incredibly well. Amazingly well in getting your WWs attention and outing this A.

This is very rare in a BS. You have seemed to grasp immediately the truth that you cannot love a WS back, you have to show them strength and be willing to lost the marriage for the possibility of saving it.

Your WWs A may indeed, be a deal-breaker for you. If it truly is, then no shame to you, no fault to you. Your WW made a choice to betray you and that choice, that decision, has consequences. And it very well may be that the consequences are that you divorce her. Iím glad that you saw a lawyer to find out what is likely to happen, should you pull that trigger. Knoweldge is power and you need to know as much as possible, not only about the A, but about the legal ramifications for you should you separate or divorce.

I would caution you. Do not let your rage, your justifiable rage, paint you into a corner. Please give yourself some time to process. I know that when Iím in a rage, I am a juggernut. Do Not Stand In Front Of Me or you WILL be run over. I have blinders on and I am willing to sacrifice everything I hold dear, if it gets in my way. Thatís come back to bite me in the ass on several occasions. Hold your WWs feet to the fire, but give yourself some time to process. Detach as much as you can, so that you can think as emotionlessle as possible. Make darn sure of what you want, in as much as possible. You may still decide to leave. She may not do what is necessary for you to stay. You may decide that youíre willing to try for R which is, in all honesty, hard work. But whatever you do do, please make sure that your decision is one that you are comfortable with living with and not made out of rage driving you. Try to think with your head, not your heart. Because your heart is, understandable, torn into shreds right now.

Come back often for support or to blow off steam. We're all here for you.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4120 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Bdell
Member
Member # 41673
Default  Posted: 11:19 PM, December 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have made at least one decision, to move ahead with the divorce process. It will take a couple of months even to be ready to file, so she has actually more than a month to prove herself. I don't know how long it will take to file, perhaps even longer. I have told my lawyer to do all of the work necessary up to the point of serving her papers. I will give him the go ahead to do so , or to stop the process, at that time. I need to do this , for my own self respect, and to insure that my kids are provided for, if worse comes to worst. I haven't made up my mind , yet about the DNA testing. I'm pretty sure that this is the only affair she has had, but I was ignorant about it, so I may be ignorant about any other past affairs, as well. It really won't make any difference to me, because I love my kids regardless. I had a very pleasant conversation with my sister in law, today. She is fully behind me in anything I decide, is disgusted by CW's behavior, but , after all they are Sisters, so she must be supportive of her. She also told me that my CW hasn't slept a wink , has been vomiting, and calls herself nasty names, and berates herself. SIL worries that she might be headed for a breakdown. I told her to keep me in the loop, and to watch over my CW .

Posts: 240 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Indiana
gonnabe2016
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Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 11:36 PM, December 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bdell, your wife sounds remorseful. If her cheating isn't an immediate deal-breaker for you, then give her a chance to redeem herself. Maintain your boundaries, but don't be intentionally cruel to her.

She offered to take a poly, and if I were you, I would take her up on that.


A couple of people have mentioned , and you haven't said anything else about it.....but do you not find it odd that the owner of that B&B immediately knew who you were talking about? It seems TOTALLY odd that the manager/owner guy would remember ONE cash transaction that happened 4 years ago, doesn't it? Or remember the 2-time customer at all, even after seeing a picture. He has most likely had hundreds/thousands of guests since then, and 4 years is a very long time to retain *recall* of one random person......I'm not making any assumptions about what it means, it just seems really strange to me.

[This message edited by gonnabe2016 at 11:37 PM, December 17th (Tuesday)]


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OCyL6pa_L4M


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