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Newest Member: turdlben (45332)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: New discovery, old affair
PhoenixReborn
♂ Member
Member # 22135
Default  Posted: 1:20 AM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi,

I second Gonnabe with the observation about the B&B guy remembering your WW.

I suggest the possibility of asking the B&B manager when was the LAST (latest) time he saw your WW.
And prepare for an answer of only recently.

I hate to suggest it, but he would be more likely to remember a regular customer (even only sporadically) than a one off from 4 years ago.
Consider this:
Do you remember who served you at the McDonalds (or another shop) in May 4 years ago?

Book a polygraph... And offer a grace period for any new information, and definitely consider one poly question as: "Are the any other affairs in the past whilst married to (you)."

Be prepared for a possible further confession once she realises the poly is actually booked and happening.

Also as others have said, make sure big decisions are finalised only when you have processed things with a calmer mind to be sure.

Good luck.


Me - XBF 40 (Fiance)
Her - XWF (who cares)
# Always trust your Gut - I didn't and am now regretting it. #
-Only give up when you won't regret giving up.-

Posts: 1118 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Australia
Bdell
Member
Member # 41673
Default  Posted: 1:21 AM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Actually, I did mention it. The B & B owner remembered that the "husband" was Middle Eastern or Indian ( in fact, Pakistani) because he gets very few interracial couples. He recognized my CW but didn't, at first , believe I was the husband. for obvious reasons. I am not Middle Eastern.

Posts: 240 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Indiana
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 2:19 AM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dude. Are you purposefully ignoring what more than one of us is saying?
You show up at the B&B and the manager/owner seems to have perfect recall of a person who was there once or twice, 4 years ago? It is my impression that when you went to the B&B, you had no idea that your WW's AP was Middle Eastern/Indian.....so YOU weren't the one who *jogged* the guy's memory by saying "white woman/middle eastern guy, 'member them?" And even if he did remember her *face*, unless you have some really strange name...he most likely wouldn't remember the name of a 2-time customer from 4 years ago.

I told you. I don't know what the hell to make of it......I just said that it seems strange for him to remember so many details about a person who checked in there once or twice, 4 years ago.....


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8075 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Bdell
Member
Member # 41673
Default  Posted: 3:03 AM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is the sequence of what happened. I found the check written to the B & B. I went there and asked if my wife had stayed there and showed him her picture. He recognized her right away, and said, she and her "husband" had stayed there a couple of times, a few years ago. But only after I had convinced him that I was her real husband. He, at first, didn't believe I was her husband, saying that he was an Arab.

Posts: 240 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Indiana
Bdell
Member
Member # 41673
Default  Posted: 3:12 AM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He didn't remember their names at all , until he looked at the check stub, and I showed him my ID. You would remember my wife , if you ever saw her.

Posts: 240 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Indiana
Bdell
Member
Member # 41673
Default  Posted: 3:18 AM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't really think that they stayed there more than two weekends, but what difference does that really make? Except, I guess to verify her timeline.

Posts: 240 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Indiana
Bdell
Member
Member # 41673
Default  Posted: 7:10 AM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I talked to my CW this morning and she confessed that, in fact, they did have sex that first weekend, as a lot of you were telling me. Not the first night, but the second. Which , to my mind, means the first night as well. She said that they first met in Sept. and he is one of her clients. They had no personal contact until November, and no romantic contact until December. Whatever the hell that means. She promised me that she would have the written "blow by blow" of the affair today.

Posts: 240 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Indiana
Bdell
Member
Member # 41673
Default  Posted: 7:24 AM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Both CW and my SIL asked if we could still have Christmas for her side of the family, because of her mother's illness. It might be her last. I agreed to this. My MIL is a super nice Lady, and I wouldn't ever want to cause her distress. I agreed that everybody would say nothing to her about the affair. My kids are on board with this. So far, the only people who know of the affair is me, my CW, the OM and his wife, my SIl and her husband, my kids, my wife's counselor and her supervisor and the owner of the B & B, who can be discounted.

Posts: 240 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Indiana
OK now
♀ Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 7:49 AM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

According to you SIL your wife may be heading for a breakdown, all that vomiting etc. Aren't you concerned that being filed with divorce papers may push her over the edge so as to speak? Honestly I would hold off filing given your WW's emotional state; serving her with papers tells her she has lost you and her marriage and that may be too much to take. You sound a very strong person; don't assume that other people close to you have that same strength.

She is going to tell the truth; get it in writing and reflect on what actually happened before you make any further decisions. Certainly a little more time will help moderate your anger and outrage.


Posts: 1748 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
Bdell
Member
Member # 41673
Default  Posted: 8:05 AM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK now, I have no intention of serving her with papers, just yet, for this very reason and others. All my lawyer is going to do is draw up the documents and hold them until I give him the go ahead.

Posts: 240 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Indiana
Bdell
Member
Member # 41673
Default  Posted: 8:20 AM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just got off the phone with the Manager of the office of my CW's counselor. My CW called her and asked if I could be given her treatment records. My wife has said that she will sign a release and personally give them to me and that she wants her counselor to tell me everything they have discussed. Is this possible? Can they do that? My lawyer is out of the office so I can't ask him. I'm very interested in this. As much for the fact that my wife thought about it and I didn't. She gave me the names and numbers of lie detector places, I don't know what the technical term is.

Posts: 240 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Indiana
OK now
♀ Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 8:26 AM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thats true remorse! Impressive start by your wife.

I think if your WW signs a release and a statement that the IC is not held responsible for the outcome, you may be able to get these records. Worth investigating.


Posts: 1748 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
RealityStinks
♂ Member
Member # 41457
Default  Posted: 8:29 AM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Man, if I were you, I would kiss my lucky stars that she is this remorseful and is willing to help you get over this mess. I know you're mad/hurt, I've been there. But, I wish my WW was even 1/10th as remorseful as yours seems to be.

As far as the WS being remorseful, this almost seems to good to be true. She deserves credit for that.


Posts: 414 | Registered: Nov 2013
Brandon808
♂ Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 8:35 AM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My wife has said that she will sign a release and personally give them to me and that she wants her counselor to tell me everything they have discussed. Is this possible? Can they do that?
Yes, they most certainly can do that precisely because your WW gave them permission. The laws protecting those treatment records are about unauthorized disclosure. You can choose to share the records with whoever you want to and she is choosing to share them with you.

It is up the healthcare provider (i.e. counselor) to ensure they have the permission properly documented otherwise they are liable for any issues that arise as well.

I would say this is a big step. I don't recall too many time when a BS reported that their WS actually followed through and gave unfettered access to their counseling history like this.

I also have to say that the manager of the B&B concerns me. I agree with gonna. It sounds really off. I get that you showed the manager a picture of your WW and the picture was recognized, not the name. But to remember them as a couple from just two visits four years ago???

Think about that. The manager, from what you described, didn't just vaguely remember your WW as a customer. They were remembered...as a couple.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 4000 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
Long Gone
♂ Member
Member # 32587
Default  Posted: 8:40 AM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

yeah.....I'm not accepting the B&B dude. Something isnt right.....unless this guy is Rainman....I don't see it.


D-Day 11/26/10

Posts: 772 | Registered: Jun 2011
toomanyregrets
♂ Member
Member # 37740
Default  Posted: 9:11 AM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish my fWW was as remorseful as your WW.

I never even got an appology.


BH - 64
fWW - 60

"Affairs are not mistakes, they are a series of deliberate choices." - CrappyLife


Posts: 484 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Upstate NY
Bdell
Member
Member # 41673
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Guys, I'm Ok with the B&B guy. If you knew my wife, you would understand why. Without getting too personal, she is a very attractive woman and has some anatomical features that most men, unless gay, would remember. Also, in Central Indiana, interracial couples are pretty rare, except in the big cities, so 2 weekends, over 2 months = 4 nights, and the bill was $300.00 or so each weekend and the second weekend the Dude paid with cash. I actually believe this part pretty much. Now, I don't want to defend her, and won't, but I have to go with the info I've got. If I find out different, then I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

Posts: 240 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Indiana
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

re: B&B guy. I guess the most important part is that he gave you confirmation that she had been there with a man who wasn't you.

If the counselor won't release the records to you, even with your CW's consent, then your CW can request a copy for herself and give those to you.
No problems there......

At this point in time, your situation sounds very *fixable.* That's encouraging.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8075 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
numb&dumb
♂ Member
Member # 28542
Default  Posted: 10:16 AM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

6 months is a guideline not a rule. It is your life and only you know what is best for you. At this stage no amount of remorse on your Ws part is going to have any effect. I used to call it betrayal blindness. Anything she does will not register with you right now. It is normal and happens a lot. That is why I say to watch the effort.

The truth is that anytime someone cheats on their partner they deserve to get a D. Add in the lies to cover it up over a long period of time and it is next to impossible to forgive or reconcile. I am just reminding you that I did and I was not half as lucid as you seem to be right. It is just one of many possible paths.

For me D was my first response. Had my kids not been young I probably would have gone through with it and be D today. It gave me a pause, a chance to evaluate it again. I realized that I could D any time, even years later and once D it was for the rest of my life. If you have a rage free moment read some of the positive reconciliation stories out in recon section. I am not trying to push you that way, but just to make sure to consider all options available to you.

Having the lawyer draw up the D papers is a good move. FWIW I did the same. I never filed or served my W, but they are still with my attorney if I need them. I tried to keep that secret from my W, but she found out. In hindsight it was a rookie move, sending legal documents to my house that I was going to be moving out of. In my defense I was not in the best frame of mind.

Do the polygraph if you can afford it. If you are looking for ways to feel more confident your W isn't still lying to you. If you are confidently moving to D I wouldn't spend the money though. It is only useful for your own piece of mind. In court it doesn't do you much good.

The DNA thing is highly personal. I get the love for your kids won't change. I was suggesting it more of way to verify that your W was telling you the truth.

The thing that helped me a lot was reading online. I couldn't sleep anyway, so I spent many a night researching everything. It gives you a small purpose when it feels like you have none. Knowledge is power.

Small steps. Take care of your body. Keep your chin up. Again be careful about info fed to you by your SIL. If you want to know how your W is doing, send her a text or an email. Don't use an intermediary. While other people are impacted, this is between you and your W. No one else is invested as much as the two of you and no one else gets a vote.

As far as Xmas goes. I had a similar situation. I kept it together, but my W couldn't. It created a lot of extra questions and drama in our families. Luckily we had an excuse ready (my W battling Depression). Just a tip, have an excuse ready.


Me-35 her-35

DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.

Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.


Posts: 2559 | Registered: May 2010
lordhasaplan?
♂ Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 10:16 AM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At this point in time, your situation sounds very *fixable.* That's encouraging.

I agree, keep verifying and getting the affair in the light of day. Once you know it all that is when you can make an informed choice to go or stay.
I had 2 wives cheat on me. One was an unremorseful monster and D was a very hard process and took me about 4 years to get through and emotionally recover from. My second is a remorseful partner. She did TT and have issues for several months however. What your wife is doing is sending me a message. She has followed this counselorís advice but has always wanted to tell you and open this up so she could also move past this. My guess is she has been carrying this around as unwanted baggage. if not she would be holding dear to everything and minimizing, blame shifting and not giving you open and transparent looks into her. The counselor thing speaks volumes. My wife did the same and he still talks to me about what they are working on and figuring out, Itís part of my deal to stay.
I will say this. I gave myself 6 months, she responded late and we are on solid footing. In fact the affair is a minor thing now the pre-affair marriage issues bother me more. My W was worth staying for. I can say that today. You might find the same.
Focus on what you need now. Grieve, get angry. Continue with D process but give yourself and your W the chance to prove she is worth it.
LHAP?


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

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