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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Unexpected and very painful trigger
RipsInMyChest
♀ Member
Member # 41166
Default  Posted: 7:49 AM, December 16th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay, so some background here. My H is a very kind, conscientious person. He always thinks of others; in stores,
in traffic, at work. He is always very thoughtful and has never called me and name in 21 years. He always thinks before he speaks, Thinks before he acts. Except for that one day...

So we're driving down the highway coming home from a kids event two hours away from our home this weekend. We are in the passing lane and someone pulls out in front of us to pass. It was totally clear behind us, so the person could've waited. We have to slow down while this person SLOWLY passes the car on the right. My H says "Why can't people think of other people?"....TRIGGER!

I sat there in silence the rest of the way home because we were in the car with the kids. When we get home I have to tell him my thoughts. That he has more consideration for clerks in stores, fellow shoppers, people on the road, and coworkers than he had for me on the day of his ONS. He would never go through the grocery store without worrying about how his cart or where he stops would interfere with other shoppers. But he went over to her house without considering me for a single second. These thoughts ripped my heart out all over again.

That I was not even considered that day makes me feel so insignificant. Right up until he did this, we had one of the best marriages I've ever seen. We were best friends, we had great communication, and we always talked about how "special "we were. Now even just thinking that we're "special "makes me trigger. We had no real marriage problems. He had work stress, and that's what made him flip out that day. But his problem was never with me or the marriage.

I know all of this is due to PTSD. (I was diagnosed by my therapist as having it.) Some days I realize I am still in shock a year later.... I knew he would never do this to me. I was certain. Even his coworkers had commented to me that he was the least likely to ever cheat on his wife. He just wasn't that kind of guy… Until he was. He claims he's not that guy now and that it will never ever ever happen again. That lessons have been learned. But right now, I am back at day one reeling in shock.

He gets so depressed when I get depressed he doesn't know how to help me with these thoughts. He apologizes and expresses his deep deep remorse… He wishes he could change what he did but he can't. He knows that he was being a self centered jerk that day. But nothing he says NOW changes the jerk he was that day. I guess I am just not done grieving for the "perfect" marriage I thought I had. It's made more difficult by the fact that he really is nearly the same person that he's always been. He treated me with respect before--he treats me with respect now. He made promises before--- he's making promises now. He never went out with coworkers or friends before, and doesn't now. There are no behaviors or patterns to fix. The only change in him is identifying his ego and squashing it. And this has made his communication better. He can now own his s@&t and apologize for it with no defensiveness.

Has anyone had this much difficulty letting go? It seems like I have so much less to get over than others here. ONS and an STD. He has been remorseful from day one. It shames me to even come here and post for help...I should be able to be further along at a year out. What is wrong with me?!?


Me: BW 41
FWH 41
Together 21 yrs, M 18, 2 kids
DDay: 12/11/12 ONS with CW
Used condom, got chlamydia anyway.

His betrayal of me was not because I didn't shine brightly enough, but because he chose to put on blinders.


Posts: 181 | Registered: Oct 2013
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 8:04 AM, December 16th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's made more difficult by the fact that he really is nearly the same person that he's always been. He treated me with respect before--he treats me with respect now. He made promises before--- he's making promises now. He never went out with coworkers or friends before, and doesn't now. There are no behaviors or patterns to fix.

same here! When people on here say that their marriages are so much better I can't relate. Mine wasn't too bad before. Neither of us has changed very much except that now I won't shut up.

What are you doing wrong? Nothing, maybe being too hard on yourself. It takes years to recover from this. Even a ONS... I'm sure that rocked you to your core. hugs!


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me: 47
him: 51
4 kiddos in lower 20's

“Courage is the price that life exacts for granting peace."


Posts: 3626 | Registered: Dec 2010
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 8:25 AM, December 16th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can relate -- in fact, at a lunch a couple of days ago one friend commented that she had seen my husband dining with coworkers at the cafe we were at, and she was going to call and joke with me that he was there with a woman. She thought this was hilarious, as did the other friend, and they both proceeded to talk about how ridiculous that was, and how they wish their spouse would have an affair because it would take the pressure off, etc. In our circle you see, we have the good marriage -- and H is the "guy who would never do that." Sigh.

The thing is, we actually do have a good marriage; no facade here. And my H is a good guy - but he is also the guy who did that. Tough stuff.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 8:27 AM, December 16th (Monday)]


me - BS (45)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA/PA
In MC & Reconciling
"An affair is more akin to a mental illness than a relationship."

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1316 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Bikingguy
♂ Member
Member # 38103
Default  Posted: 8:34 AM, December 16th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow bionicgal,

How do you deal with such insensitive friends?

As far as unexpected triggers: All the time

We were having dinner, eating chips. I stopped to save room for dinner. WW says "you have more will power than me" I wanted to blurt out "NO F8997ING KIDDING!"

We were talking in bed and WW expresses she is not happy with my lack of initiating intimacy. Says she need to share her wishes. This time I did speak my mind and said "I wish I didn't have the image of you screwing OM in our bedroom"

There are tons of others! I don't think WS's will ever understand how much head space this takes up for BS's.


Me: BH, 44
Her: WW, 43
D day. January 12, 2013

Posts: 667 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Socal
RipsInMyChest
♀ Member
Member # 41166
Default  Posted: 8:45 AM, December 16th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the support folks!

Rachelc, I saw your survival thread...((((big hugs))))). I feel that way too....I'm still standing. Barely some days.

Wow, Bionicgal...very insensitive friends. I'm sure that would be very painful to listen to!

Bikingguy, I know exactly how you feel. I have to swallow snarky comments all the time. This takes up WAY too much of my head space. I get really upset when I think that I have been in this dark place for a year now. I wish I could get through it faster like some other people I see on here who are doing so much better than I seem to be most days.

I don't know why my emotions won't follow my logic. I would be past this and happy again by now.....


Me: BW 41
FWH 41
Together 21 yrs, M 18, 2 kids
DDay: 12/11/12 ONS with CW
Used condom, got chlamydia anyway.

His betrayal of me was not because I didn't shine brightly enough, but because he chose to put on blinders.


Posts: 181 | Registered: Oct 2013
meplusfour
♀ Member
Member # 38958
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, December 16th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We were having dinner, eating chips. I stopped to save room for dinner. WW says "you have more will power than me" I wanted to blurt out "NO F8997ING KIDDING!"

^^^^^Isn't that the truth!


BW (me)42
WH 44
3 daughters, 1 son
Married 10 years, together 13
DDay 3/14/2013, four year PA
In R
"Sometimes you have to accept the fact that certain things will never go back to the way they used to be."

Posts: 327 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Canada
TheThreeYearFool
♀ Member
Member # 41218
Default  Posted: 4:20 PM, December 16th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((RipsInMyChest)))

I completely get how that's a trigger. "Why can't people think of other people?" Why couldn't he think of you?

I can't say my WH thinks before he speaks, but one of his pet peeves is inconsiderate people. Not two weeks after DDay we had a marathon in town and WH was so annoyed at having to drive around the roadblocks and the confused pedestrians disobeying signals in the middle of the street.

"Don't people think about anybody but themselves? They think that the only thing that's important is what they want to do, and everybody else needs to accommodate them."

I told him he was one to talk. Does. Not. Get. It.


Me - BW 36
Him - WH 40
Together 11 years, married 6
3 year LTA with former coworker
DDay 10/29/13
He says he wants to R... can I live with what he's done?

Posts: 119 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: United States
Justgreatnews
♂ Member
Member # 41666
Default  Posted: 6:01 PM, December 16th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well Rips, I can tell you that just about everything is a trigger for me. Like the sight of my wife for starters.

As I told her, I considered that what is under her clothing was reserved for me for life after our marriage, but that is gone.

A hundred times a day I picture the snake with his hands on her, and much worse. Every kiss...ruined.

Yeah, I got it bad. You're not alone.


Posts: 261 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States
RipsInMyChest
♀ Member
Member # 41166
Default  Posted: 6:41 AM, December 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Three Year!

JustGN, I am so sorry you find yourself here. My H is my biggest trigger too...still at a year out. I am hoping this fades as we replace the hurt with new memories. Take care of yourself and if your W is remorseful, search your heart for love and empathy.


Me: BW 41
FWH 41
Together 21 yrs, M 18, 2 kids
DDay: 12/11/12 ONS with CW
Used condom, got chlamydia anyway.

His betrayal of me was not because I didn't shine brightly enough, but because he chose to put on blinders.


Posts: 181 | Registered: Oct 2013
Justgreatnews
♂ Member
Member # 41666
Default  Posted: 5:51 PM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Rips-

Today we went to Target to pick up a few things. The place was a madhouse, very crowded.

As we tried to get out of the parking lot my wife began complaining about an older lady that had taken her time, blocking the shopping carts while she stood there adjusting her purse, putting away her glasses and generally slowed anyone down trying to get a shopping cart.

She said some of the same things as your husband. "How can people be so oblivious to what they are doing to others, etc."

I actually started laughing, I couldn't believe how closely it mirrored your story. So, I broke down and told her what you had posted. Not exactly fun, but she sheepishly took it well.


Posts: 261 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States
RipsInMyChest
♀ Member
Member # 41166
Default  Posted: 5:18 AM, December 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ha! That's funny, Just GN! I hope she had the ability to laugh at herself a little. Sometimes a little humor helps.


Me: BW 41
FWH 41
Together 21 yrs, M 18, 2 kids
DDay: 12/11/12 ONS with CW
Used condom, got chlamydia anyway.

His betrayal of me was not because I didn't shine brightly enough, but because he chose to put on blinders.


Posts: 181 | Registered: Oct 2013
Topic Posts: 11

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