Thank you....and the same goes for you! I think we have both made progress, but still have work to do.
Thank you for pointing that out....it does make sense to focus on the negative for now so I do associate the XAP with the low point.
I do agree that I owe my BH a better explanation than the one I gave....he actually read this post last night and let me know how upset he is that I did google the XAP....he expressed his fear that if I googled him what is to stop me from contacting him or seeing him.
You asked me some really good questions. Here are my responses:
I came here for support after the fact because I was afraid....I was afraid to admit what I was thinking and feeling and was not ready to face the comments I would recieve. I reached out to a couple other WS for help privately before posting to the whole forum.
I didn't share the dream with him because I was afraid to admit that I had a dream about xap.....I saw it as a sign of weakness and didn't want to hurt my bh by telling him I had thought of XAP.
I understand his anger and fear, and told him I realized it was wrong and broke the trust we are working to rebuild. He has asked me to be as open with him as I am on SI and I am going to try to do that.