Am I nuts?
Brother, I am sorry you are going through this. You will have to make some decisions, but you don't have to make them right away.
I can't tell you what to do, but I would focus on the 180. It is to make you strong, not punish your WW. Whatever you do, you will need the strength you will learn from it!
It breaks my heart for you that your WW seems unrepentant and not sorry for this pain she's caused. I sincerely hope the fog lifts for her so she can realize her true desires.
As part of the 180, I would suggest that you table MC for now.
There is nothing to be gained (but pain) from MC with an unremorseful wife. Until and unless she's all in--remorseful, willing to do the hard work---there's no point in spending your time, money, and soul on it.
Far better to focus on yourself.
I know the 180 is not intended to change the WS's behavior--but a side effect is, sometimes, that it does. Telling an unremorseful spouse you see no need for MC at this time---and WHY--can be powerful.
It will empower YOU. And it will protect your heart from further damage.
Your WW needs to face reality. If you don't file then she has no reason to emerge from the fog and give up this affair. She can cake-eat while you go to endless MC sessions trying to nice her out of this relationship. She may give it up voluntarily, but she has lost respect for you and you need to get it back by confronting her with the loss of the marriage. If that gets her to be genuinely remorseful you can drop divorce proceedings. Until she understands how much pain her romantic fantasy has cost you and how much the loss of the marriage will cost her, you will get nowhere.
I also get the impression that the fantasy was so enjoyable she is highly likely to repeat this adventure; as an occasional treat, for instance. This is where being threatened with divorce can cause a hasty readjustment of her priorities. Otherwise repeat adultery is on the cards.
[This message edited by OK now at 8:20 AM, December 18th (Wednesday)]
I am always sorrowful in revealing the affair to friends and MC is my place to warn WW that people are going to find out (whether I tell them or not). She is in the fog. She doesn't listen. She is following her heart. I now try to think of her as a poison and I have to not pursue her to make my pain go away. It doesn't work that way.
Thank you all for reminding me I'm not alone.
Your wife is moving out? She cheated and now shes is leaving, and you are left to clean up the pieces.
I know you are hurt and heart broken and aghast at what has happened, but you HAVE to protect yourself financially, and emotionally. Get yourself to an attorney immediately, while she is still in the land of unicorns and rainbows. There is something to be said for how you come out financially if she chose to abandon her marital home and kids (if you still have some at home). You need to put yourself, your future, and your kids futures first.
The fact that she is "following her heart" more like following the magical mist of unicorn farts, but leaving and so forth really gives you very few options. Your kids are gonna know what's up so delaying protecting yourself because of a wedding in 5 months, doesn't make any sense. There is a million things that can and will happen between now and then.
Keep reading, keep posting, and remember you have to put yourself and your kids first, because she no longer cares to or is able to.
Are you sure the OM is actually filing for divorce, or is this a tale he told your WW to get sex?
If we assume he is getting divorced then it looks if your hair brained wife is waiting for the OM divorce so she can join him in unicorn land. How ridiculous. Between them they will have probably over 6 kids and she thinks that going to work-out? The kids alone will strip romance out of the affair in no time at all. How will he take to raising 4 kids from another man, plus his own? All the problems with extended family? Friends? Money?
This silly fantasy is ultimately doomed, but your wife is so deep into never never land she doesn't have an ounce of commonsense left. All you can do is file to put some pressure on the affair, let all members of your family know and make sure everyone sees the erotic poetry. I'm sure she's proud of that!
You should stop being Mr. Nice Guy; at least until after divorce. In the case of divorce nice guys really do finish last.
So, right now I am focusing on staying healthy and away from WW while she moves out. It would be more dramatic to throw her clothes out the window into the snow. But I don't see the point. Our kids are 16,18,20, and 22. They are very smart and will figure out what happened in good time.
In the meantime, I don't like the manic rush of accelerating this thing along. I think I have made my line in the sand: having affair? move out--Divorce will follow. Before the affair I had already been thinking of divorce because of our longstanding incompatabilities.
In terms of tough, I just keep all the proof of the affair in case we have to play that card in the divorce. I find it disgusting to think of, though.
Tell your wife her odds of ending up completely alone once her unicorn fantasy ends are looking a lot better than average.
She's deep in the affair fog now. Have you outed her behaviour to family and friends? Spoken to the OM? Fight for your marriage and your family mate! But only if you want to if course.
[This message edited by Hurthalo at 5:14 PM, December 29th (Sunday)]
Me BS (34) WW (29)
Married nearly 2 years
19m old Daughter
D-Day 05 Nov 13