There is a relationship here though..... I must learn to speak her love language and she must be open to listening as I. "Talk".
Her AP was simply looking to fuck her.....he is on to another woman now .... And my wife was not his first A. So not sure he was open to recieving or giving love.
Curious.....seems lake a lack of "something" leads a person to adultery....something internal. Maybe lack of nurturing as a child, conditional loving, something.....
[This message edited by blakesteele at 9:01 PM, December 16th (Monday)]
One thing I will say, Harley knows how to blow up and expose an affair. Hands down.
Otherwise? Having read countless other books now, being in therapy for so long, on SI, researching etc.?
I will NEVER EVER EVER promote, recommend or otherwise Dr. Harley. He advocates rug sweeping and sometimes blame shifting. I understand the concept of the love bank, but there are flaws with it. His forums are filled with militants. I remember a story of a couple who literally bargain over fruit in the grocery store and never spend one moment away from each other outside of work.
No, Harley is a dangerous man to marriage.
Former 80s Icon wishful thinking
he read that when someone brings up the past they are being abusive. He said he is going to remind me that he isn't doing those things now and that he doesn't have to be abused for mistakes that are in the past. He has told me I am the one who is keeping us from enjoying a very good marriage now. He said he did those things earlier because he was immature, selfish and unprepared but now I am making a deliberate educated choice to live in the past, holding onto it because it is more comfortable to be angry than try to see how much better he is.
He doesn't get to say that until he has spent the years of effort it takes to resolve this shit.
If there's any abuse going on here, it's him by stomping on your side of the relationship.
He doesn't get to tell you how to heal or how you should feel. You get to be angry at what he did and you get to be angry at the shitty way he is handling things. Because you get to be a person who has just as much say in this as he does.
He is making an educated, deliberate choice to twist the knife by refusing to support the person he hurt. He is making you feel crazy, doubt yourself and question your motives - when he is the one who did all the damage to begin with.
I will even go so far as to say not only are you not in R due to the way he is treating you but I wouldn't be surprised if he is still in contact with someone. He is making a lot of effort to shut this all down hard and keep the focus on how it's your fault. Do you have access to his email and phone?
[This message edited by StillGoing at 8:51 AM, December 17th (Tuesday)]
Obviously this approach ignore the fact that the BS has needs unique to someone who has been betrayed,
Perhaps more importantly, it ignores the fact that the WS has needs that are not being addressed, The WS needs to figure what the hell went wrong with his/her mind/heart/soul so that it can be addressed.
Reconciliation is a long painful process and it's simply not worth it IMO if the WS does nothing to address the issues,
Another thing is that if reconciliation is evaluated by the BS's acting like a newlywed then it seems destined to fail.
After one of our first incidents of HB my wife actually complained that I had not told her that I loved her during post discovery sex.
Seriously? I was working just to push aside mind movies. I was trying to figure out why the hell I was even in the same bed with her. And she had the nerve to complain that I had not told her I loved her?
I do think ideas from MB, such as meeting needs and enthusiasitic agreement, are good ones that every M can benefit from. Think about how your life would have been different if your spouse came to you and said "I met this man, am thinking about fucking him, do you enthusiasically agree with this choice?"
Love it, thanks for the laugh!
I have read two of his books, and wish I had read them pre-affair; I think it may have saved us. I think some of his ideas are fundamentally sound. But, I don't agree with the rug-sweeping, or the idea that our "needs" can be an excuse in any way. Our MC is clear that we are responsible to meet our own needs, and can only do that for each other to a certain degree. Certainly no true sense of self worth can be gained from another.
I edit, therefore I am.
which I agree can be very helpful and would recommend. I think it helped my WH understand what I was going through, better than I could explain.
My husband was regretful and wanted everything to be smoothed over nice and easy. I felt like a Stepford wife for a bit, walking on eggshells and being grateful (yeah, grateful ), and he was love-bombing me. It all felt so strange. Hey, wait a minute, my love-bank had been empty for a long time but but I didn't cheat, even though I had time, opportunity and motive.
Then I found SI. THANK GOD......and I started to get angry. FTN It was all him, including the majority of the pre-affair issues in the marriage. He's changed a lot and things are infinitely better now.....hmmm, isn't that a coincidence.
Harley also says that WS and AP's are always at risk of the affair starting up again if they see each other. A risk of him running AP over with his car maybe, but that was about it. So he was off there too.
I agree, the information has merit when trying to build a marriage or it's hit the disillusionment stage, but not it the beginning of rebuilding after an affair.
the focus is on meeting needs and enthusiastic agreement.
Okay. And your need is to discuss and work through his affair and have him answer your questions and support you. Is he "enthusiastically" doing this?
me (WW/BS): 48
4 kiddos in mid 20's
Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...
So Rachel are you saying you outed him? Mine said - if you do that you can just leave because that will just show how evil you are,
I outed the OW to her employer and family and had they been co-workers I would have outed to the employer. I also didn't inform him I was going to do this.
He's manipulating you. Dont' fall for it. Decide what you can live with, do it, and let the chips fall where they may. If he still works with her NC must be established, a NC letter written and her spouse/BF informed. The reason you do this is so the affair stops, it's not some sort of evil revenge, it's extra eyes watching. Affairs are notorious for going underground. I'm guessing your husband's is.
I would not stay in a relationship where my husband worked with his AP. As it stands now they work 100 yards apart and I feel I'm much too generous with this even.
It is not great for dealing with infidelity.
They want to save the marriage so badly, that they lose sight of what it takes to get through infidelity. We both feel like they baby the WS.
This is not the best resource for infidelity recovery. Save it for later. They have some great ideas, but only for after you have dealt with all this.
NOBODY is allowed to know
I don't trust the person who held up my love bank and robbed it, then drove a truck through it, to come waltzing up to the window and make a deposit. Trust needs to be rebuilt and that really gets lost, IMO.
Same with the agreement stuff. See, we theoretically already agreed to love, honor, be faithful, etc.. Didn't work so well, so, again, trust is a problem.
Rugsweeping doesn't work because it tells the offended party to suck it up and trust when all evidence tells them rationally to not do so. I wasn't really much into adding my name to the list of people who betrayed me, so I kinda stuck with being true to myself and my need to rebuild trust.
All the rest tends to be icing on a rotten cake if you don't address the core problems.
[This message edited by JustWow at 5:45 PM, December 17th (Tuesday)]
edited for typos (I always have to!)