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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Finding your "why"
1bigidiot79
♂ Member
Member # 40557
Default  Posted: 10:56 AM, December 16th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So much of the advice on this site and all the recommended reading is geared towards the WS doing the "work" to figure out the "why" and to recognize the issues in their life that led to the decisions they have made. I will admit when I first came here I was in desperation mode, panicking and distraught that my marriage might be damaged beyond repair. However, over time and through perspective gained I now realize that this advice is correct and should be followed. If I had done this years ago I would not be in the position I am in now.

With that being said, I am having trouble finding my "why". Why did I choose to lie instead of tell the truth. I realize my situation is somewhat different in that I did not have what most here would call an actual affair. However, I do consider what I did to be an unfaithful act within my marriage and so does my BW. For those of you who don't know my story I put the short version in my profile.

Anyway, I have identified a lot of character flaws and personality traits that are less than desirable but I still don't know why. I have realized through a lot of introspection that I was arrogant and conceded towards my wife. I was selfish to do what I did and I was prideful, lacking in humility. I think it is great that I have identified these problems and am working daily on trying to change these behaviors. But the question still remains. Why did I choose to lie to my wife? Why did I think it was OK? What allowed me to justify it? My honest answer is I do not know.

I have a theory but I don't think it is good enough. My theory is I was exposed to pornography at a young age, had access to it as a teenager and just thought that I was a young teenage male and it wasn't a problem. That's what teenage boys do right? Then I started dating my wife and I wanted to put my best foot forward so to speak and did not tell her. Seriously, who starts dating someone and immediately reveals all the skeletons in your closet? As we got serious I began to try and not look anymore. I figured the urge would go away when I got married anyway. But it didn't. Then it became a battle, one that I was losing. I really tried to quit and was convicted about it when it would happen. I make some progress, cutting my viewing back to just a few time per year but I couldn't completely stop. At this point I chose not to tell her because 1) I was ashamed and 2) I didn't want to hurt her. The lie had been born and one cover up led to the next. At that point it was cover it up at all cost.

To me it is plausible that this is the extent of it but I feel like it shouldn't have been that easy to lie to my wife. For others here who have been through this, how did you discover your why? I am going to IC, reading everything I can get my hands on, working at it and praying about it every day. I had a good childhood with good parents with no major FOO problems. Is it as simple as I was just that selfish and arrogant to think that I was the one who should make the decision not to tell my wife? I don't know. Working at it though. Thanks to everyone who has offered me advice. The one thing I have come to realize that people have continually said is I have to fix myself regardless of the outcome of my marriage. Becoming that better person is paramount to any success that may be had in the future. I'm learning. I'm trying. I just pray that God gives me the grace and the strength to see me through to the end. Whatever that end may be.


DDay 7/23/13
TT on 3/5/14 - Finally came completely clean
Finally working on making real changes in my life, one day at a time.

Posts: 134 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: United States
knightsbff
♀ Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, December 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why did you lie?

I can't remember what book this was in but in some of my reading I have come across the concept that all of our decisions can be boiled down to either attempting to avoid pain or choosing to learn and grow.

Choosing to tell the truth regardless of the consequences is a choice to learn and grow. Facing things is always choosing to learn and grow.

Choosing to lie is always an attempt to avoid pain. The thing is in making the choice to try to avoid pain we are always creating more pain for ourselves and others. When we learn to lean in to the pain and face the tough stuff we find growth and eventually peace.


FWW 40's, BH (knight) 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and a dog

Posts: 1074 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
1bigidiot79
♂ Member
Member # 40557
Default  Posted: 8:28 AM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Choosing to lie is always an attempt to avoid pain. The thing is in making the choice to try to avoid pain we are always creating more pain for ourselves and others.

If I've learned anything it is this. The pain my BW and I both feel now is exponentially greater than what it would have been if I had just told her the truth to begin with. I chose to avoid the pain and consequences of my actions and now it has cost me everything.

We had a long talk last night and the reality of where she is at right now crushes me. She is in the house because of our son and that is it. She says the thought of me touching her in any way repulses her and she doesn't ever see that changing. She says she is content and never sees our marriage being what it was and that I am living in a fantasy land if I think we can become emotionally or physically intimate again. She says she cannot change how she feels and doesn't want to. What scares me is the fact that she said all this in a calm, rational voice that was unemotional. It's like she has accepted that as her fate and nothing I can do will change it.

I am having trouble accepting the fact that it is her decision and I have to live with it since I created this mess. I know I cannot make her feel any different either. I am going to keep working on myself for me and hope she eventually changes her mind but it is hard. How do you learn to accept your partners decision if they choose not to R?

I have destroyed everything. I am just numb today and not in a very good place.


DDay 7/23/13
TT on 3/5/14 - Finally came completely clean
Finally working on making real changes in my life, one day at a time.

Posts: 134 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: United States
lostmylight55
♂ Member
Member # 33517
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's good to see you back on SI and more focused on yourself. There is a lot of good introspection in this post. You mentioned having a good childhood with good parents with no major FOO problems, but in another post I think you mentioned your mother was demanding. It's not a bad idea to start looking closer at your childhood growing up.

There was a time when I thought nothing was wrong with my family either but through a lot of self examination and reading I realized I was raised by extremely selfish and self-centered people. I was selfish and entitled and I was able to see that my parents actually raised me to be selfish and entitled because they are selfish and entitled. They engrained that it in their children and praised us for it.

You mentioned being arrogant and conceded and lacking humility those are traits I had too. I used arrogance to overcompensate for insecurities.

Try not to focus on how different your situation is to some of the people here but instead on the similarities. There is good information on this site when you are open to it. Knightsbff wrote some very good information about the need to avoid pain and consequences through lying.

I'm sorry you are having a difficult time. Now it will be harder than ever to keep focusing on doing this work for yourself. Stay strong.


My Boundaries are firm: Trespassers will be shot on sight.

Posts: 75 | Registered: Oct 2011
nealos
♂ Member
Member # 35284
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I started to going to therapy because I couldn't answer the question, "why." Why did I cheat on my fiancee? Why did I look at porn? Why did I _______?

Therapy led me to a 12-step program for Sexaholics Anonymous. There and in individual therapy, I eventually got my answers about why. There are many layers of why for me. I would guess this is the case for most people.

A lot of the things you share in your post are 12-step relatable: "powerlessness" --repeatedly trying to stop but failing; "unmanageability" --getting caught by your wife; "accepting the things you cannot change" --recognizing you can't control how she feels; "character defects" ….other things about your family of origin and exposure to porn at a young age-- these come up time and time again in 1st step shares in the 12-step groups I attend.

You might find some relatable experiences in a 12-step group for SA, SAA or SLAA… if nothing else, it could be a support group to help you through the painful process of earning back your wife's trust. …also, it couldn't hurt for her to hear you doing something about it on your own and going to meetings.

PM me if you want more info about 12-steps or therapy.


31yo WS-SA

“When we disclose the thought and intents of our hearts in surrender, we identify with one another at depth.”


Posts: 254 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: 5280'
1bigidiot79
♂ Member
Member # 40557
Default  Posted: 10:14 AM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A lot of the things you share in your post are 12-step relatable: "powerlessness" --repeatedly trying to stop but failing; "unmanageability" --getting caught by your wife; "accepting the things you cannot change" --recognizing you can't control how she feels; "character defects" ….other things about your family of origin and exposure to porn at a young age-- these come up time and time again in 1st step shares in the 12-step groups I attend.

Nealos, I made this connection some time ago and my way of dealing with it right now is to have a small group of guys that I completely trust that I talk to on a regular basis. We discuss everything openly and hold each other accountable. I have to say that this has helped me with my issues more than anything I've done.

I used arrogance to overcompensate for insecurities.

Lostmylight, this is exactly what I did. I have discovered just how severe my insecurity is during this process. It's something that kind of blew me away because I've spent my entire life telling myself I wasn't insecure and behaving in ways to make myself believe it.

Can anyone speak to my comment about accepting what your BS decides to do? I'm really struggling with that. I love her so much and I have such a desire to show her that I have finally woke up and want to give her the life she has deserved all along. It is so hard to accept that even though I may make all the necessary changes and become a safe and healthy partner for her that she still may decide she cannot envision a future with me. The helplessness of that scenario is heartbreaking.


DDay 7/23/13
TT on 3/5/14 - Finally came completely clean
Finally working on making real changes in my life, one day at a time.

Posts: 134 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: United States
Topic Posts: 6

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