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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: I don't know what to make of this
pregnantandsad
♀ Member
Member # 40141
Default  Posted: 12:08 PM, December 16th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH up and left me one day 5 months ago. I was pregnant and we have a DD4. He never showed any remorse, regret, etc. He seemingly left and never looked back. He sees DD4 on his days off, he hardly even looks at me when he picks her up and drops her off. I have never seen any sadness or regret on his face. He only contacts me when it's about money. On Saturday afternoon I got this email from him and I don't know what to make of it:

______
So. This is very hard for me because I'm pretty sure you hate me... I miss you. I miss my little girl. And I miss my family. I want to know my new little girl. And I know now how horribly wrong I was. I know you will never take me back. And I know how horribly bad I've hurt you. I never wanted this but I made one bad choice after the other. I was a stuborn hurt bastard. And I was angry. And I was selfish. These are the things I've wanted to tell you since the day we were moving every thing out of our house. But knowing how much your family hates me I knew things would never be the same so I thought it was a lost cause. I thought we could never ever get back to normal again. And all of it was my fault. I'm so very sorry more than I know you would ever believe. You have every right to hate me. I'm not telling you this because I want to hurt you or cause more problems. I just needed to tell you because I was too stupid to do so before. I know nothing will come of it. I just want you to be happy. You deserve to be happy. I won't send you anymore message s like this I promise this wil be the only and last. I just needed you to know.
________

I couldn't even read it when I first opened it. I just saw bits and pieces and cried. I was always afraid he would wake up but it would be too late, and now it is. I keep going back and forth between sad and angry. Why now? Why not months ago? Why not before I gave birth alone? Why not before he moved in with OW? And I am angry there is not even any mention of OW. That of course is the biggest issue for me and he didn't even acknowledge it. I am at a loss, I don't know what to think of all this. I have not responded to him and don't think I will.

[This message edited by pregnantandsad at 12:09 PM, December 16th (Monday)]


M 7 years, together for 12
2 kids- DD4 and a newborn
D-Day 7/2013 he didn't want R and moved in with OW
Filing for D

Posts: 155 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
WeepingBuddhist
♀ Member
Member # 39139
Default  Posted: 12:12 PM, December 16th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Crickets. that sorry ass bastard gets crickets.

It could be he is extraordinarily cruel. It could the OW. It could be he is wanting ego kibbles. FTG. Crickets.

[This message edited by WeepingBuddhist at 12:12 PM, December 16th (Monday)]


Me: BS 46
Him: LCB--lying, cheating bastard 50
D-Day 4-27-13
DIVORCED!!! 2-20-14

Posts: 532 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Columbus
isthis4real
♀ Member
Member # 29698
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, December 16th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm inclined to believe things are not going so well with his whore and wants you to be his soft landing.


Me BW 30
WH 37
Married 4 years
DD 3
(2) DSS 15 & 18

D-day 9/3/10
Kicked him out 9/26/10 for fence sitting
WH served with divorce papers 10/4/10 at his place of employment

No chance of R.
Rebuilding and looking forward to a brig


Posts: 116 | Registered: Sep 2010
StillLivin
♀ Member
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, December 16th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree. Soft landing. Maybe he is sorry, but it is sorry for himself, and sorry he is ashamed.
Honestly, crickets is best.
I know me, if I got this. Crickets would be mute. I'd probably make him feel worse.
XH, I don't hate you. I don't even care about you anymore.
Best of luck.
StillLivin.


I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2181 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
ruby44
♀ Member
Member # 41135
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, December 16th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think you should respond either.
First, he did not ask you for a response.
Did not ask if he could come back.
Did not tell you the A was over.
Did not tell you what he is doing to change his behavior.
Did not ask you for R.
He is doing the "oh my now I am sad, but since everybody hates me for what I did, their is no going back, I cant fix this."

I have a BIL (my WH's brother) who cheated on his 2nd wife (probably the first too but I digress) well she told everyone on both sides. The OW was his sister's best friend ( I wont call her my SIL, you need to earn that title). It was ugly to say the least. But he realized he had made a mistake, and he went to her family and apologized for hurting her. Promised to work hard to be the man she deserves and you know what. They forgave him and support their efforts toward R. They are still working hard on their marriage but he took the first step back.
What your WH did was "nothing" except self pity. I think something went wrong with OW and he was sad. End of story.
((Pregnantandsad))
I wish you strength.


Me BW 52, Him WH 48
Married 13 years,
2 DDs (12 and 10)
D-Day Confirmed 10/24/13 suspected before that but did not want to believe it.
WH filed for D 11/12/13
2/8/14 WH asked if he could come home. We are slowly working toward that but are still

Posts: 263 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Midwest
lisaloo
♀ Member
Member # 20082
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, December 16th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree-he's wanting you to be a soft landing. IMO, this is one of those 'test the waters' emails, just to see if perhaps you are still an option, should he need you to be one. Don't let him have anything other than crickets.


Me: 33 STBXH: 34 DD: 8
D Day (EA): 6-19-08
D Day #2 (SA): 7-5-10
D Day #3 (EA): 11-8-13
WH moved out: 11-18-13
Moved BACK IN (because the lawyer told him to): 11/29/13.
Filed for Divorce: 12-9-13
In house separation...fun, fun, fun.

Posts: 474 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: AL
suckstobeme
♀ Member
Member # 30853
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, December 16th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow. I'm so sorry he did this. I know we all think we want to see those words come from them, but I can only imagine it would be pure torture once it really happens.

I find it so cruel and so self centered. He wanted you out of his life and that's what he got. So, now because things aren't so great in his world, he believes he can just open that door a crack and see if he can worm back through. All of this while you are taking care of two very small children? Only an exceedingly selfish person would do that after knowing full well the hurt he's already caused. Live with the choices and let the BS be to heal.

I know it's hard to acknowledge, but I would find it hard not to cry or feel very hurt by this. The best is what everyone else said - to give him the same crickets he gave you when you were begging for him to see and hear you.

I'm sorry.


BW - me
ExWH - "that one"
D - 2011
You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve.
Hard as it may be, try to never give the OP any of your power or head space.

Posts: 2707 | Registered: Jan 2011
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, December 16th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It reads to me like someone trying to assuage their own guilt. It's how he feels about himself, not about his actions, his choices, or the impact it had on you and your kids. "I miss this, I miss that, everyone hates me..." The entire message is about him regretting (NOT feeling remorse - big difference) how much HE'S suffering from his own choices. Um, gee. Tough shit.

There's nothing there that warrants a response. ((((pregnantandsad)))) I'm sorry you are hurting.


You can call me NIK

Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something.
- Plato


Posts: 24440 | Registered: Aug 2011
NewMom0220
♀ Member
Member # 39036
Default  Posted: 12:51 PM, December 16th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This made me cry. I cry because I've lived your same exact experience…and also because I so desperately wanted to hear or read these words from my STBX but I never got them.

Stay strong. There are a lot of people on here who have more experience with this and will give better advice than I could.

Sending you prayers for strength.

[This message edited by NewMom0220 at 12:56 PM, December 16th (Monday)]


Me: BS 36
Him: WS 37
14 month old DS
Married 5 years, together 8, DIVORCING!!! (taking forever)
DDay: 3/1/13 (4 Month PA while I was pregnant)
Sometimes all you have to do is forget what you feel and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 329 | Registered: Apr 2013
hexed
♀ Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, December 16th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

*I, I, I, I,......*

that's all I saw in that email


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8407 | Registered: Apr 2008
Pass
♂ Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 1:10 PM, December 16th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He's throwing a bunch of words at you, but no actions. I'm sure this email hurts like hell, and has you second-guessing yourself, but he isn't even making any offers of what he will do to make the situation better.

Everyone else is offering good advice to not even respond at all. However, I would just like to venture that it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world if you sent back a short response. Maybe something along these lines:

Fuck you and your sorries.


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after married 17 years, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 1698 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 1:20 PM, December 16th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

CRICKETS!

I counted at least 29 I's in that email. Guilt if that is truly what he feels is not the same as remorse. He showed you exactly who he was when he walked out. He looked you in the face when he walked out but he cant' do the same in his supposed apology which really isn't even an apology. As others have stated he is likely setting you up as plan B. IMO don't respond and keep moving forward with your life. I know how hard that is but move forward with protecting yourself. Don't open the door to let him back in, NC equal no new hurts.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 2:36 PM, December 16th (Monday)]


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
D hopefully official in 7/2014

Posts: 1834 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
Lola7
♀ Member
Member # 41195
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, December 16th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Forward it to the OW. lol


caelitus mihi vires
"My strength is from heaven"
DIVORCED!

Posts: 211 | Registered: Nov 2013
damncutekitty
♀ Member
Member # 5929
Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, December 16th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He is trying to make himself feel good at the expense of your feelings. It's just more selfishness. Don't answer him!


Keep calm and carry on.

Posts: 49448 | Registered: Nov 2004 | From: Minneapolis
LearningToRun
♀ Member
Member # 31353
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, December 16th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with Hexed - All i saw was the number of times he used "I" and "me"

its still all about him.

I'd say this is what regret looks like, but NOT remorse.


Also, there is a lot of subtle blameshifting in it.
"...But i was angry" "..but your family hates me"
Poor little muffin


crickets, my dear. And hugs for you.

[This message edited by LearningToRun at 1:43 PM, December 16th (Monday)]


Posts: 236 | Registered: Feb 2011
pregnantandsad
♀ Member
Member # 40141
Default  Posted: 2:24 PM, December 16th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone. I agree so much with everything all of you have said. I noticed all the "I's" and the fact that there was not even a real apology anywhere in there. It wasn't hard for him to walk away, it wasn't hard for him to shatter his daughter, but it was hard for him to write a half-assed email?

And I agree with everyone saying he wasn't even willing to do anything. Just like he needed to admit he may have been wrong so he could feel less guilty or something. I wish his family meant enough to him that he didn't care what had to be done to save it- he would try it all. But, he is not that person and I need to keep moving forward.

My gut was crickets, thank you all for confirming that is the right choice.


M 7 years, together for 12
2 kids- DD4 and a newborn
D-Day 7/2013 he didn't want R and moved in with OW
Filing for D

Posts: 155 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
Undefinabl3
♀ Member
Member # 36883
Default  Posted: 2:24 PM, December 16th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know what to make of this

OW dumped me so now i need my back up plan....TAG YOUR IT!


Ok, so jabs aside - here's the situation.

1. She's either left him and he's not really wanting to come back for you, but he doesn't want to be alone.

2. He's actually starting to come out of the fog, but he's still got his head up his ass and its still all about him. Here's the thing - the email will be nothing but I's because if he is just coming out of the fog, then he's not going to know how to plug into your needs yet (from fWS here, its the action that matters....we will get it wrong, but as long as we are actually trying, striving, working on it - not dicking you around....)

So - what do you want to do?

Do you want to give him another chance? In that case then you need to get your ducks in a row and actually tell him what he will need to do in order to even has a hells bells of a chance. IC, MC (he starts it), Transparency, full timeline, ect - has to be established.

Or

do you want to let it go fully and finally.

This is your fence, you get to choose a side first - it will then be up to him if you stay on that side or not.


Me: 31 MH
Him: 37 MH
New online find 6/19/14 - shit

Posts: 1694 | Registered: Sep 2012
Take2
♀ Member
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 2:25 PM, December 16th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What everyone else said: "soft landing".. "Regret - not remorse"... "something went wrong in lala land"... Or perhaps he wants something, or has realized how much D will impact his pocketbook, and he is trying to butter you up.

Whatever his motivation - that email if a far cry from crawling on his knees through busted glass begging forgiveness. It is totally focused on how he feels. And talk is cheap! Can you imagine doing a tenth of the kind of damage he has done and thinking that an email like that would have any impact on making things better...? Really, really lame!

Crickets! Cry it out as much as you need. Then when you are ready, keep moving forward.

((pregnantandsad))


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4112 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
Gemini71
♀ Member
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, December 16th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When my STBXH told me how 'sorry' he was for cheating on me, I had one response.

"Some things sorry doesn't fix."

You are waaay past that point now. So sorry you have to deal with his half-assed apologies. You deserve so much more.

((hugs))


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 1554 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
lifestoshort
♀ Member
Member # 18442
Default  Posted: 6:13 PM, December 16th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Id write back with one word
"cool."


meaning, i dont give a shit cause this is probably a bunch of lies cause his world is falling apart


6/07 EX had several Emotional/sexual A
FALSE Reconciles. cheats again. D 5/09
2013- 10 month marriage &D to friend. he was a lyin, freeloadn biploar mess.
NOW? Living my life and loving it.


Posts: 677 | Registered: Mar 2008
Topic Posts: 31
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