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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: I don't know what to make of this
Mousse242
♀ Member
Member # 6330
Default  Posted: 6:25 PM, December 16th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I like the "cool" response or forwarding it to the OW. But if not, definitely crickets. It's all about him.

Posts: 5473 | Registered: Jan 2005 | From: Chicago
BrighterFuture
♀ Member
Member # 38914
Default  Posted: 12:33 AM, December 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi pregnantandsad! We walked through infidelity and delivery of our beautiful daughters alone without their help. I too got an half assed apology when my daughter was born but it was too late. It was regret full of I's and not true remorse. Stay strong. Don't be used as a soft landing. Giving birth alone is so painful...don't forget easily the hurt he put you through.

Hugs PregnantandSad

[This message edited by BrighterFuture at 12:36 AM, December 17th (Tuesday)]


Me:30
Him:31
D-day:2/24/13 (I was 10 weeks pregnant at the time and DS was 15 months)
Status: Parted ways!

"If only I can fight just a little longer, I know it's gonna make me stronger" Jamie Grace-Holding on.


Posts: 340 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Ohio
pregnantandsad
♀ Member
Member # 40141
Default  Posted: 1:01 AM, December 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Brighter! Every time I start to think about him I remind myself of giving birth alone. I held out hope for so long that he would snap out of it, but I knew if I gave birth alone there was no turning back for me. It was hard, but I was so proud of myself for getting through it. I knew the minute she was born I was going to get through all of this and we didn't need him. There have been a ton of up and downs between then and now, but I always remind myself of that moment of clarity in the hospital where I knew it would all be ok in the end. Like everyone has pointed out, it was so easy for him to ignore me when I was begging a pleading, so now he will get the same silence he gave me for all these months.


M 7 years, together for 12
2 kids- DD4 and a newborn
D-Day 7/2013 he didn't want R and moved in with OW
Filing for D

Posts: 155 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
BrighterFuture
♀ Member
Member # 38914
Default  Posted: 2:37 AM, December 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can relate. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. With no family in the US, I was surrounded by a friend I'd just met this summer and students. I was happy for the safe delivery of my child, but hurtbroken for my little girl as well. Our daughters didn't deserve absentee fathers. We made it through! It was the point of no return for me as well.

[This message edited by BrighterFuture at 9:11 AM, December 17th (Tuesday)]


Me:30
Him:31
D-day:2/24/13 (I was 10 weeks pregnant at the time and DS was 15 months)
Status: Parted ways!

"If only I can fight just a little longer, I know it's gonna make me stronger" Jamie Grace-Holding on.


Posts: 340 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Ohio
cantaccept
♀ Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 3:32 AM, December 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just wanted to emphasize to you the truth of what everyone else is saying. You seem to see clearly and that is really so hard for you and shows how strong you really are.

I was the soft landing.

He left on dday, cold, and angry. He left for ow for 2 months, it wasn't enough time for me to even begin to recover and be strong.

I let him move back without the necessary effort. The signs were there of the lack of commitment but I just couldn't see it at the time.

It has been a year of staying stuck in the pain. Trying to R with a wayward that shows no remorse, compassion and effort for change is torturous, mind twisting.

Now, 14 months after dday, a year almost to the day of when he broke off with ow, we are divorcing.

He was really never in. He finally admits that this is too hard and he "can't" do what I need. He found an apartment and is moving out Dec. 26th.

He has shown me who he is and finally I believe him. I am to the point that I am okay with this, sad but okay. I guess I needed to go through this to be absolutely 100% sure that what I thought I saw was real. It has been a year of learning who I really am and reflecting on how little I accepted for my life.

I am grieving, not for him, but for who I thought he was. I am sad over my bad choices for my life. I am afraid of the unknown, I am 54 and starting my life, it almost feels like for the first time, I have never had such clarity.

Another poster once said, "when the pain of same exceeds the pain of same", that has been my mantra. My life will never be the same, the pain is too great to ever live like that again. The one thing that keeps me moving forward, no matter what happens in my life in the future, it can only be better than what has come before.

Please be careful. It is so easy when you are hurting so badly to slip into an unhealthy decision. It feels like you will do anything to relieve the pain. His coming back relieved my pain but it was only temporary, very temporary. His lack of emotion and effort in a very short time just increased all the pain, the feelings of being "not enough". It was such a hard struggle to get to the strength within me while being so distracted by trying to R. It was damaging to me. I would not wish this last year on anyone. To have to live through the betrayal and then not only heal yourself, but try to forgive and love someone that does not value you and is not willing to go above and beyond to soothe your soul is crushing.

If you even consider allowing him back, make him prove himself first. Not with the easy things either, the gestures are easy, the emotional commitment is what really matters, the compassion when you are at your worst. Don't hold back let everything out and watch how he reacts. Is he being proactive in changing himself, reading, therapy and talking about the changes, the new found self awareness. Learn and speak about what you need from him and watch him. Just be very careful and don't make the decision to "try" too quickly. Love yourself first.

Just felt the need to warn you, we are all so vulnerable right now. It is so hard to let go of our beliefs of what we thought we had.

It sounds as if you are doing really well and taking care of yourself. I wish you all the strength and peace to heal yourself, protect yourself and your babies.

Can


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

Divorced 8/5/14


Posts: 1314 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
sparkysable
♀ Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, December 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think he has "woken up". I think he's feeling sorry for himself because unicorn fartland isn't as wonderful as he thought. His email seems more about HIM than anything.

He sure knows the right things to say though. Maybe he googled them? Because I received a similar email from my XWH.


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3311 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
Iamacrab
Member
Member # 40410
Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, December 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had the same experience as cantaccept.
Literally, except my false R lasted for 7 mo.
Now he says he just cannot to pretend to be (insert whatever word here) with me, we don't work in a marriage. We should be D soon.

Crickets, for your and your babies own protection.


Posts: 103 | Registered: Aug 2013
Exit Wounds
♀ Member
Member # 32811
Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, December 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm inclined to believe things are not going so well with his whore and wants you to be his soft landing.

Copy that!

Also, and this is the one that kept me from allowing my husband back into our lives...

If he did it to me and the kids once, he will do it again. -That thought gave me the motivation and the drive to make it through some of the toughest times in my life alone...

Stay strong, we are here for you.

[This message edited by Exit Wounds at 3:24 PM, December 20th (Friday)]


Posts: 2483 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: With my dad...and my dog...
pregnantandsad
♀ Member
Member # 40141
Default  Posted: 3:47 PM, December 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks again everyone for all the responses. Since getting his email, my emotions have been all over the place. I know it's all about him- I just couldn't understand what motivated him to send it to me. Problems with ow? Was he just feeling guilty and writing that lessened some of the guilt? Is he wishing he had us back? And then of course I wonder, what if he truly regrets it and wants to fix things? Could I ever possibly get over all the damage he caused? And, would he ever be able to put in all the work that would be required to even try and fix the damage? Ugh, sometimes I wish I could just shut off my brain for a few hours!

So yesterday was our DD's preschool Christmas performance. It was my first time seeing him since getting his letter, and I was nervous of how I would feel. He showed up late and comes up to me and asks if I want to move my seat so I can sit and watch with him? No thanks. I look over at him a couple times during the show and I remember what a miserable person he is. The show is unbelievably adorable and every person in the place is smiling and laughing. He is just sitting there like he would rather be anywhere else but there. This is how he always has been, just a sad sack. And seeing this again finally sealed it for me. I don't want that person in my life. I am tired of his misery. I am a happy person who loves to laugh and smile. He took that from me for so long and now I am free.

I don't care what caused him to write that email. In the end, it doesn't change a thing. My girls and I deserve so much better and I just want to keep moving forward. I am feeling very free today, and it's a good feeling!


M 7 years, together for 12
2 kids- DD4 and a newborn
D-Day 7/2013 he didn't want R and moved in with OW
Filing for D

Posts: 155 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
ItHappened2Me2
♀ Member
Member # 32503
Default  Posted: 11:35 PM, December 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My girls and I deserve so much better and I just want to keep moving forward. I am feeling very free today, and it's a good feeling!

Yes - you do deserve much better!


BS - me (52); WS - him (52)
DD 15yo, DS 11 yo
Married 25 years (together 27+/-)
DDay #1 - March 18, 2011
DD #2 (after 3 + month TT and false R -- the affair had gone underground) - June 28,2011
DD3: June 19, 2013 - he started up again with the

Posts: 241 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Texas
IrishLass518
♀ Member
Member # 34373
Default  Posted: 12:49 AM, December 21st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The one thing that stood out for me was the part where he said he knew how much he hurt you. I don't believe that for one second. He has no clue, he didn't stick around to care for you and the hurt he caused.

The only response I would even consider would be "I know you are sorry. It doesn't change a damn thing."


Me: 46 BS Divorced
Him: 45 Married OW
DDay: 07/04/2008
Divorced: 06/15/2011
5 kids: IrishLass 27,IrishLad 25, IrishLass 23, IrishLad 21 and IrishLad 12
"You can't run from trouble..there ain't no place that far"

Posts: 1726 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: WA
Topic Posts: 31
Pages: 1 · 2

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