I just wanted to emphasize to you the truth of what everyone else is saying. You seem to see clearly and that is really so hard for you and shows how strong you really are.
I was the soft landing.
He left on dday, cold, and angry. He left for ow for 2 months, it wasn't enough time for me to even begin to recover and be strong.
I let him move back without the necessary effort. The signs were there of the lack of commitment but I just couldn't see it at the time.
It has been a year of staying stuck in the pain. Trying to R with a wayward that shows no remorse, compassion and effort for change is torturous, mind twisting.
Now, 14 months after dday, a year almost to the day of when he broke off with ow, we are divorcing.
He was really never in. He finally admits that this is too hard and he "can't" do what I need. He found an apartment and is moving out Dec. 26th.
He has shown me who he is and finally I believe him. I am to the point that I am okay with this, sad but okay. I guess I needed to go through this to be absolutely 100% sure that what I thought I saw was real. It has been a year of learning who I really am and reflecting on how little I accepted for my life.
I am grieving, not for him, but for who I thought he was. I am sad over my bad choices for my life. I am afraid of the unknown, I am 54 and starting my life, it almost feels like for the first time, I have never had such clarity.
Another poster once said, "when the pain of same exceeds the pain of same", that has been my mantra. My life will never be the same, the pain is too great to ever live like that again. The one thing that keeps me moving forward, no matter what happens in my life in the future, it can only be better than what has come before.
Please be careful. It is so easy when you are hurting so badly to slip into an unhealthy decision. It feels like you will do anything to relieve the pain. His coming back relieved my pain but it was only temporary, very temporary. His lack of emotion and effort in a very short time just increased all the pain, the feelings of being "not enough". It was such a hard struggle to get to the strength within me while being so distracted by trying to R. It was damaging to me. I would not wish this last year on anyone. To have to live through the betrayal and then not only heal yourself, but try to forgive and love someone that does not value you and is not willing to go above and beyond to soothe your soul is crushing.
If you even consider allowing him back, make him prove himself first. Not with the easy things either, the gestures are easy, the emotional commitment is what really matters, the compassion when you are at your worst. Don't hold back let everything out and watch how he reacts. Is he being proactive in changing himself, reading, therapy and talking about the changes, the new found self awareness. Learn and speak about what you need from him and watch him. Just be very careful and don't make the decision to "try" too quickly. Love yourself first.
Just felt the need to warn you, we are all so vulnerable right now. It is so hard to let go of our beliefs of what we thought we had.
It sounds as if you are doing really well and taking care of yourself. I wish you all the strength and peace to heal yourself, protect yourself and your babies.
Can"So often times it happens, that we live our lives in chains and we never even know we have the key"
I would now like to be known as Can!
dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
attempted R, it was all a lie