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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Has Anyone Divorced a Seemingly Remorseful WS?
jzkc1502
Member
Member # 40496
Default  Posted: 8:06 PM, December 16th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've only come to this board a few times, but has anyone out there divorced or divorcing a WS that seemed to be remorseful? My WH seems to be, and wants to keep us together; however I'm coming to my conclusion that I can't be happy in this marriage anymore....yet I'm delaying out of guilt of leaving someone who seems remorse. Help!!!!


Me: BS 29
Him: WH 28
Together: 9 years, married 3
DDay: August 2010
OW: Escorts/Craigslist (escorts and strip club on our honeymoon!)
Status: Divorcing

Posts: 139 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: NJ
OK now
♀ Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 9:07 PM, December 16th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I haven't personally had that experience but a friend of mine divorced her husband who was extremely remorseful. He was occasionally physically violent and after he broke her jaw she decided this was not any kind of life to lead; living in fear of the next violent episode.

He begged her for more chances and promised the earth if only she would stay, but the odds of him reverting back to violence were too high. Its a statistical exercise; the odds are that your WH will be unable to give up escorts. You will never be enough and he will just be much more careful next time. The trust is gone and his total lack of any respect for you should not be tolerated. He's had his chance and reconciling is just asking for more pain down the road. You know that.


Posts: 1704 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
ruinedandbroken
♀ Member
Member # 29250
Default  Posted: 9:23 PM, December 16th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry I don't have any advice. Mine hasn't shown any remorse at all in 3 1/2 years.


“People who cheat feel that life is for the taking, and that everyone deserves happiness no matter what the cost. I must remember these tricks if I ever have my soul surgically removed."
Me: BS 42. Him: WH 41 2 Kids 6&9
Married 14 yrs Together 21

Posts: 1572 | Registered: Aug 2010
PhoenixRising88
♀ Member
Member # 35214
Default  Posted: 9:39 PM, December 16th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's exactly what I am doing. STBX seems to "get it", truly sorry, blah blah blah. Problem is it's too little too late. He had my heart in his hands and got bored and "lonely" on the road travelling for work and didn't have a problem in the world throwing us away in the pursuit of some strange.

When he got busted two years ago the first thing he said to me was "I don't want to be married anymore." Two years of heartache and shattered dreams and zero trust later, I've opted to finally put my psyche and well being first and grant him that wish. It's not worth losing myself to stay and HOPE it doesn't happen again.


Me: BS (43)Him: EX, aka "The Dink"(50)
D-Day#1 12/22/11. D-Day#2 5/23/2013.

Divorce final 2/10/14.

Throw me to the wolves and I'll return leading the pack.


Posts: 426 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: North Texas
Gemini71
♀ Member
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 9:41 PM, December 16th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yep. I'm divorcing a 'remorseful' WH.


"Some things 'sorry' can't fix."


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 1657 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
peacelovetea
♀ Member
Member # 26071
Default  Posted: 9:50 PM, December 16th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We tried for nearly 3 years before I could accept that I was just done. The R process was not what I wanted, he could never quite get past regret to remorse, though I do believe he was trying very hard to change. And he had "only" had a drunken ONS and confessed immediately.

In the end it was just a dealbreaker for me, and that's ok. That was enough.


BW, SAHM
D-Day: 6/5/09, drunken ONS on business trip, confessed immediately, transparent, remorseful but emotionally clueless
M 11 years, 3 kids
4/12 Tried to R for 3 years, have decided to D
12/31/12 D final

Posts: 542 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: PacNW
BeHappyAgain
♀ Member
Member # 41289
Default  Posted: 11:26 PM, December 16th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello jzkc1502. From your signature, it sounds as though we have WH's with similar taste.

I am planning to file for divorce in January. My WH is extremely remorseful. And I feel like I am dying inside a little more each day that goes by from the guilt I feel for wanting out. It is sick really isn't it? I feel selfish for breaking up this beautiful family.....my head knows that I'm not really the one breaking it up, but my heart hasn't quite caught up yet.

I just know a few things:

1. I could never, NEVER be intimate with this man again.

2. There is absolutely no way that I want to live with the shadow of a SA hanging over my head every single day for the rest of my life. I know that sounds pessimistic; I just don't have much hope at this point in my life.

3. I don't think I could survive another "incident," be it one day or 10 years down the road. The physical reaction I had to finding the first email which led to what I know now is a feeling I don't ever want to come close to experiencing again.

So I feel your pain. Hugs. In some ways I feel like I don't even have a choice; I will force myself to walk into that attorney's office and file because I have been manipulated every single day of our 10 year marriage.....even though I can't imagine my life without him and want to believe every word that is coming out of his mouth right now. I need to learn how to have a little respect for myself.

Sorry to go on and on - this post hit home today.


Posts: 100 | Registered: Nov 2013
whatdoto
♀ Member
Member # 28555
Default  Posted: 11:47 PM, December 16th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ditto every word Peacelovetea said. Dday was 5-16-10, gave
up 6-29-13. It WAS a dealbreaker. His A was 2-1/2 years.
Just too much for me.


"If your ideal image of yourself is in the future, it's going to stay there".

Posts: 1187 | Registered: May 2010 | From: Texas
keptmyword
♂ Member
Member # 35526
Default  Posted: 12:53 AM, December 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It was filing for divorce that finally got her to become remorseful. Actually, although she stated she was remorseful, she was really just regretful and is still pathetically delusional and defensive.

I held off on filing for divorce until about 10 months after finding out only because I was dealing with other problems going on and I wanted to give our children as much attention as possible.

When I made the decision to file I did so fully committed to ridding myself of this dysfunctional woman. I didn't know this person anymore, had no desire for her, and still want nothing to do with her


I Divorced Her.

Posts: 362 | Registered: May 2012
endlessabsurdity
Member
Member # 40249
Default  Posted: 1:32 AM, December 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What makes you think that he is remorseful? The word "seemingly" suggests that perhaps there are subtle signs you are picking up on that he isn't really as remorseful as you need to feel safe. Is that possible?

Posts: 80 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: United States
ninebark
♀ Member
Member # 24534
Default  Posted: 7:14 AM, December 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did end my marriage and my STBEXH was remorseful. He did all the work in terms of the A. He was transparent, he went to MC, he did everything I asked of him.

However I think the cracks in the foundation of our marriage were already there and too deep to fix. He had some many other personal issues that he refused to deal with. He was moody, he was happy with everyone else but cranky with us, he was consumed with owning stuff, he was very self absorbed. He refused to work on those issues, and I refused to live like that any longer.

So yes I believe he was very remorseful but sometimes that isn't enough.

[This message edited by ninebark at 7:14 AM, December 17th (Tuesday)]


BS (me) 40
WH - 48
Married 12 years
DS - 12
D-day 06/21/09
Separated....hopefully divorcing soon.

Posts: 630 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Canada
jzkc1502
Member
Member # 40496
Default  Posted: 7:52 AM, December 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks all, your responses help me feel like I'm not alone....and I'm not some cold hearted bitch!

BeHappyAgain- Everything you said is EXACTLY how I feel. I can't be intimate with this man again, its gone, and ya know what? I don't want it back with him anymore. Knowing your WH went to escorts, ugh, I don't want to have intimacy with him again. And this...

I don't think I could survive another "incident," be it one day or 10 years down the road. The physical reaction I had to finding the first email which led to what I know now is a feeling I don't ever want to come close to experiencing again.

Thats exactly where I am at. I'm 3 years from DDay, and based on some things I found 2 months ago I have a strong gut feeling something was going on again. And that is too much for me. The way I feel now, knwoing I staying 3 years only to have to be dealing with this again...I can't go another 3 years and have him relapse and look back on all this time of my life I wasted just trying to make someone else happy and not putting my own life first for once. I feel like I'm living for him, not for me anymore.

endlessabsurdity-

What makes you think that he is remorseful? The word "seemingly" suggests that perhaps there are subtle signs you are picking up on that he isn't really as remorseful as you need to feel safe. Is that possible?

I say seemingly because both at home and in MC he is still very angry and defensive when I am talking about his cheating. He also blame shifts, lashes out at me, and accuses me of being unfaithful. The biggest one is I opened up to him a few years ago that while in high school there was a period of time that I cut myself. I'm not proud of it, but it happened. He uses that all the time againgst me, and to shame me...even in front of MC the other day!! I got a tattoo on my wrist a few months back and during one of our arguments over his cheating he goes to me "what, did you get that tattoo to hide a cut?" To me, his anger is telling me I guess he more regrets what he did, but would prefer to rug sweep and just pretend this didn't happen again.


Me: BS 29
Him: WH 28
Together: 9 years, married 3
DDay: August 2010
OW: Escorts/Craigslist (escorts and strip club on our honeymoon!)
Status: Divorcing

Posts: 139 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: NJ
FaithFool
♀ Member
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 8:27 AM, December 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did. If you read my profile you'll figure out why.


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17341 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
lifestoshort
♀ Member
Member # 18442
Default  Posted: 8:34 AM, December 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

is there even such a thing? I mean a person who cheats/lies/whatever, wasnt caring about you when they did it and they DID think about it... but they did it anyway.

i took my ex back too many times, and the reason I say never ever go back??? cause I have learned that burning your hand on a hot stove will always happens if you keep touching a hot stove. it never stops burning you, no matter how many times you touch it just cause you want it to stop burning. thats not how things work.


6/07 EX had several Emotional/sexual A
FALSE Reconciles. cheats again. D 5/09
2013- 10 month marriage &D to friend. he was a lyin, freeloadn biploar mess.
NOW? Living my life and loving it.


Posts: 691 | Registered: Mar 2008
OK now
♀ Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, December 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't be intimate with this man again, its gone,

No need to debate whether you will give him a second chance or not, this in itself would prevent any reconciliation.

You have essentially answered your own question; file and divorce ASAP.


Posts: 1704 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
jzkc1502
Member
Member # 40496
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, December 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't be intimate with this man again, its gone,


No need to debate whether you will give him a second chance or not, this in itself would prevent any reconciliation.

You have essentially answered your own question; file and divorce ASAP.

Exactly. I'm tired of living my life for someone elses happiness. I really want to live my own life and be happy. I really feel that even though the D process will be painful, that life on the other side will be great for me.


Me: BS 29
Him: WH 28
Together: 9 years, married 3
DDay: August 2010
OW: Escorts/Craigslist (escorts and strip club on our honeymoon!)
Status: Divorcing

Posts: 139 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: NJ
OK now
♀ Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, December 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great attitude jzkz. Attitude will determine how well your life will play out and your expressed determination and faith in your future is a great start. My best wishes to you.

Posts: 1704 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
endlessabsurdity
Member
Member # 40249
Default  Posted: 3:59 PM, December 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I say seemingly because both at home and in MC he is still very angry and defensive when I am talking about his cheating.

To me, his anger is telling me I guess he more regrets what he did, but would prefer to rug sweep and just pretend this didn't happen again.

It does not sound to me like he is remorseful. It may look like he is trying, and he may sometimes look like he regrets what he did, but so did my WW, and I had 2 more ddays before I figured out that she was doing just barely enough to keep me on the hook and keep me hoping that we were making progress... all while continuing to see the OM and lie to my face. She didn't want the responsibility for ending the marriage, but she certainly wasn't going to end it with the OM, and she wasn't going to put in anything more than a token effort.

He is not safe for you if he is being defensive. You should not feel guilty doing what you need to to protect yourself even if that includes divorce. If you are ready for divorce, don't feel guilty. If you are not ready, I would suggest writing down a detailed list of all the things you need to feel safe having any form of relationship with him. Do not pull punches. Do not accept anything less than you deserve. It sounds like he is giving you a lot less than that, and it is not acceptable.


Posts: 80 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: United States
Topic Posts: 18

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