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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: And my night just went to shit.
headdesk
♀ Member
Member # 40787
Default  Posted: 1:29 AM, December 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can imagine this is scary beyond belief. Trust me though, while this is hard on kids, it isn't your actions that are doing it. It is his. Don't take any of the blame for that.

Also, kids are way more resilient than you'd worry about. Stuff is just stuff. Yes, they'd probably like to live in the house and the city that they are now in, but if it doesn't work out that way it will be ok. I live in a nice neighbourhood in a large home. I was honest when I told my husband I'd rather live in a crappy old leaking trailer than live with him here when he was hurting his family like this.

Schooling - you can do it. You need to as others said really start looking into the grants/bursaries available to single moms. I had a friend who was left by her WH. She was in debt and had no job as she was a sahm and was homeschooling the kids. She went through university while still teaching her kids (and having friends like me help too) and is now a successful social worker who is going for her masters. It is daunting and scary as hell, but just take it a day at a time. Focus on only one thing, not the whole mountain.

Hugs and hang in there girl. Learn the best places to stab him with a needle, or the drugs that will make his willy fall off.


Me: 39
WH: 42
DDay:Sep 19 2013 (only TT of EA)
Oct 4th 2013 revealed PA through snooping.
Marred 16 years, together for 20. Looking to R at this time. We have awesome kids (12/14).

Posts: 273 | Registered: Sep 2013
RedWheelBarrow
♀ Member
Member # 38966
Default  Posted: 2:29 AM, December 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He is a fucker, Jules. I bet living in another state - away from him - could be the perfect thing. I was told by a atty that I could do this, as my dad is older and would need my help. Also, jobs are harder for a long-time SAHM in my particular area. There are angles to explore - for you and me. But he is blowing off steam right now too. He may settle into some "quiet and comfortable" existence and give you time to get ducks in a row.
I still feel panicked, as you do now, a lot. My therapist tells me to remember that I have way more power than I know or realize. I bet the same for you. Get your kids in therapy too, with you and individually.
(((hugs))))


Me: BW 50
Him:Rockstar late 50's
DS: 10 , so precious.
Married 14 years, together 17 years
DDay #1 Nov.2012, plus more, more, more!
OW : 25 years younger than him, left her BH for my prize beast.
He moved in with her April,2013.
Divorced!

Posts: 119 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: NW
refuz2bavictim
♀ Member
Member # 27176
Default  Posted: 3:01 AM, December 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well we'll see what the lawyer says about whether you and your counselor were right". I feel so so lost.

What he is going to tattle to a lawyer? And then what?
Look, a real man would have told his children the TRUTH, himself.

The more difficult he perceives that *you* make things...the more real this gets for him, and her, the harder it is for them to maintain the fantasy.
One of these days...he will wake and see the reality. But today is not that day. So you must protect yourself from him.

He is not going to be your protector or get you through school. He is your adversary, who only cares for himself. You need to treat him as such.

All that nice talk in the beginning, where he was going to help you blah blah blah....that was just talk. To keep you quiet and out of his way. But that is impossible and it always was...Only in a fantasy land, can you betray so many people, and come out unscathed.

This is why he is escalating his bullying tactics to the next level.
Stick to your guns, and do not allow him to scare you with his puffed up empty words.

Do NOT worry about school.

Right now you need to take back your power, and find your anger. Not the raging plate breaking anger...the calm calculated anger that gets things done, and takes no shit. The kind of anger that will get you through this, through school....the productive kind.

The harder he fights, the angrier he gets....is a sign that you have hit a nerve. I know it is scary...but hitting those nerves has exposed his achilles heal.
You need to know those areas, so you can protect yourself from his passive aggressive attacks. Most of what he says will be designed to bully you into compliance. You could not trust him in the marriage, you can not trust him out of it....and I mean even his threats. This man does not "do" what he says he will do, he does the opposite. Remember that.

You and your children deserve much better.
You are a wonderful mother. You will be an excellent nurse. You are a fabulous wife, friend and daughter (DIL). You are honest and loyal, and when it comes to defending your family you can be fierce. I am so sorry that he is too self obsessed to see that.

I think you may want to get back to the lawyer, now that he has revealed he never really had plans to play nice. Tell no one of your plans. You need to start taking actions without him having any knowledge. Maybe you should visit ALL the lawyers in your area for a consult, to make his own search a bit more daunting.

Hang in there.

Get back to 180.
Get armed with information, anger and plans to finance your schooling....this will empower you, but don't let him know anything, as you find solutions.
Let him think he is holding all the power, so you can have a break from his verbal bully sessions, while you gather your resources.

You may not think you can do this...but you can.


BS:ME DDay: 7/18/09 Last of TT 7/11/10
MOW's EA/PA all were my "friends" but one


Posts: 2372 | Registered: Jan 2010
Jules1111
♀ Member
Member # 41463
Default  Posted: 10:48 AM, December 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This morning on his way home from work he called and politely asked me to open the garage so he can get something for his mom. And then he shut the garage and came in to go out the front door. The kids were home Bc they are not feeling well. Told him the kids are sick and staying home. He wiped his boots on the towel i had laying by the door and told.me nicely (almost asking) that he was going to go say hello to them. I said ok. I went in to the kitchen and he went to talk to them. Then he left without a word. I swear it makes no sense. I think maybe the 180 was getting to him and he didn't like that I was ok..(or im a good faker at it) and he is feeling guilty and shamed and its so much easier to be mad at me than to be mad at himself.deep down I know I did the right thing and the intense panic I had last night isn't as heavy today. Continuing with the 180 and reminding myself this is all his fault, calling
the lawyer for a consult, and reminding.myself that he wouldn't screw his boys. Its an empty threat to scare me Bc he is angry. And the anger he has he is projecting onto me. I know there is nothing to do but wait it out and keep.moving. thank you all for your support.

Posts: 132 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: United States
confused615
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Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, December 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are way too dependent on a POS who is showing you he doesn't care about you, or what happens to you.

STOP begging him. He is getting off on it. He has complete control and power over you. He holds all the cards..and he is using them to abuse you.

No..the kids don't deserve this...no you don't deserve this either. but this is the situation he has put you in. Nothing about any of it is fair. But you must stop depending on this POS. You need to apply for assistance. You need to get your own attorney. You need to file for a D so he can get the fuck out of YOUR house.

IIRC, you have 2 more years of school. You can not continue like this for the next 2 years. You can not depend on this asshole to do ANYTHING for you. He does not care that you need insurance. He does not care that you have 2 years of school. He does not care...period. You can not trust him to stay married until you finish school,etc. He isn't going to wait. And, let's say he does wait. Until that day, he will continue to abuse you,hurt you, treat you like shit, and all the while, those kids are watching the way dad treats mom. Your DD will think this is how a man treats his wife..your DS will think the same.

Stop the abuse. You need to depend on you..because he has shown you you can not depend on him.

You need to apply for assistance,housing,food stamps, whatever you qualify for..NOW. Today. You must become independent.

Also..my exhusband had to continue to cover me on his insurance for a few years after our divorce.

Have you talked to an attorney..without your WH present?


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7697 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
sailorgirl
♀ Member
Member # 38162
Default  Posted: 12:23 PM, December 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm glad you don't feel as heavy today and the panic is subsiding.

I agree with three of your plans:
Hard 180
Remind yourself that he caused this
Consult an attorney (top priority)

As for whether he will screw over his boys, I sincerely hope not. From what you've said, he was a kind, responsible father pre-A, and maybe he will be again when he gets his head out of his ass. Right now though, his behavior says that he is more motivated to avoid his own negative feelings (such as shame, guilt, remorse) than to take care of himself or his family.

Has he taken full responsibility for breaking up the family and apologized to your sons? If not, he is screwing them up right now. An honest relationship with their father and a good moral example is far more important than whether they might have to move and change schools, or do without some material things.

Your WH will be required by law to support the boys financially with a divorce. What I hope is that he goes to a kick-ass IC, reads Not Just Friends, joins SI as a wayward and becomes the kind of man your boys deserve as a dad. You don't have control over that, but it could be the wake-up call he needs if you stick with the 180 no matter what garbage he spouts and see a good lawyer no matter what it costs (can anyone loan you the money?).

Whether he wakes up or not, you have to 180 and see a lawyer to protect yourself and your boys, not just financially but emotionally, too.

[This message edited by sailorgirl at 12:36 PM, December 17th (Tuesday)]


Married 14 years, three amazing kids
H had 17 month EA/PA
D-day 1/5/13
Reconcilling

Posts: 787 | Registered: Jan 2013
refuz2bavictim
♀ Member
Member # 27176
Default  Posted: 1:42 PM, December 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

he wouldn't screw his boys.

He already did, when he thought it would be OK that they stay with MOW, and when he imploded your family. Any harm he brings to you...affects them...but he doesn't really see it that way, does he. It's all your fault.

You are doing a great job bringing yourself back to a position of positive thought after a dip into the negative....just be careful on the upswing.

Don't make the mistake of thinking that what you believe is best for boys, is what he thinks is best. His thought processes are those of a self obsessed prick right now, and even your boys are collateral damage of his selfishness. His reasoning skills are full of justification, blame shifting and victimhood. He is not a good decision maker.

Most importantly...I don't believe he is holding all the cards...I think the reality is that you are, but you don't fully realize it, and he doesn't want YOU to know it.

The day you realize your own power is a day he dreads. It's why he works to keep you in line. One minute cold and calculating, and the next "asking for permission" to enter your space. Keeps you confused and off balance.
Like he's reeling in a fish. Relax, tension, relax tension, relax and YANK!
If you have never known him to be calculating, right now I believe he is and if it's not in his nature, I do believe that he is under the influence of someone who is.
He can NOT be trusted. Do not trust his threats...or his promises.

Honestly I have to ask..If money, school and health insurance were NO issue, would you be handling this any differently?

(There is no right or wrong answer to this BTW. It's just a question for you to consider.)


BS:ME DDay: 7/18/09 Last of TT 7/11/10
MOW's EA/PA all were my "friends" but one


Posts: 2372 | Registered: Jan 2010
Jules1111
♀ Member
Member # 41463
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, December 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you. And to answer your question if money ins and school weren't an issue I wouldn't be as scared. Id still be heartbroken and still in disbelief Bc this does not at all resemble the man I married. Midlife crisis guy is a complete stranger. I don't know how differently I would handle this except that over time it would be easier to tell him to fuck off maybe. But it would still hurt just the same. He has apologized to my son and told him what he did was wrong but I do not know other details. My other son has no contact with OW and is too young so I have not told him. Had OW or WH been smart enough tell either of their kids NO regarding sleepover I wouldn't have told my oldest yet. But I know I would have soon due to the complicated nature of this and their friendship. And I didn't want him to hear it elsewhere.

Posts: 132 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: United States
Jules1111
♀ Member
Member # 41463
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, December 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you. And to answer your question if money ins and school weren't an issue I wouldn't be as scared. Id still be heartbroken and still in disbelief Bc this does not at all resemble the man I married. Midlife crisis guy is a complete stranger. I don't know how differently I would handle this except that over time it would be easier to tell him to fuck off maybe. But it would still hurt just the same. He has apologized to my son and told him what he did was wrong but I do not know other details. My other son has no contact with OW and is too young so I have not told him. Had OW or WH been smart enough tell either of their kids NO regarding sleepover I wouldn't have told my oldest yet. But I know I would have soon due to the complicated nature of this and their friendship. And I didn't want him to hear it elsewhere.

Posts: 132 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: United States
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 2:41 PM, December 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jules - I get wanting to get done with school and trying to make it work for the next 2 years, but honestly I think that this an unrealistic expectation, because every time you fall out of line with what he wants, and how he wants you to behave, he will threaten you and frighten you. You are allowing him far too much power.

Are you in an actual nursing program? If so talk to the program director or your counselor about how to proceed with school if funds dry up, also find out if the school has an resources to assist you financially, emotionally, and housing wise. Some schools have on campus housing for student, even moms, and if they work for the University they can live there rent free.

See another Attorney on your own, find out what your rights are, his responsiblities, and how to take control of this situation. If you are partially through school find out if you could work as a tech or nurse asssistant at the local hospital, or nursing home. YOU NEED this experience anyway. You will learn more than you ever thought possible, and by working may be eligible for some benefits like insurance. Since you are a SAHM he should absolutely be responsible for carrying the kids on the insurance. And even if you can't afford to cover yourself for a period of time, you can't be excluded for a preexisting or family history of condition. Also if you need yearly mam's there are all kinds of resources out there for underinsured and uninsured women.

You need to start reaching out to people. If your councilor at school isn't a help then go to the local social security office and find out what help is available. There are also many grants available to single moms for education. Many hospitals offer tuition reimbursement too.

You really need to stop and step back. Quit seeing thing through the narrow horrible vision he is giving you, and see what the possiblities are for you. You are ahead of the game given that you are in school,and know you want to become a nurse. There is help out there. Find it.

(((((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8718 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Jules1111
♀ Member
Member # 41463
Default  Posted: 5:47 PM, December 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have to finish these last two classes this spring that are prereqs for the program. I need to apply by April 1st so that I can start this fall. As far as single mom grants I checked. I am not single and my taxes this year still need to be filed married joint. Since I am switching my BA over to a BSN I am going through the 2 year program at the community college first so that I can start working while I take the remaining classes for my BSN. I understand what you are all saying but some of that does not apply to me yet. I know he doesn't hold all of he cards and I have my Ace that I do not want to play unless forced. I dont want to move to my dads but I will if I have no other options. If that does happen he and his family will be devastated. He is a good dad in all other respects but this affair. And his family is really great. I would hate to hurt my kids or them by taking them away but will
do what I need to do and fight for that right so I can finish school. If he gives me no other option he is only hurting himself. I called one lawyer today and they want 150. Not possible right this second so I got the name of another I will call tomorrow for a free consult. I was freaking out last night
and in a panic. Its only been 3 weeks and I'm still a mess. I know I will get through this and if he pushes my dad will give me the money I need to get my own lawyer (which I will ask for WH to have to pay some of) and I know I will be ok. Crickets since this morning. I am sure he will stop by to see the kids before work tonight. And I don't really care. I know in my bones he is angry at himself and taking it out on me. But I don't care. I know that given the debt situation and the school situation I will be fine as he cannot afford to do anything yet anyway (from the lawyer I saw this summer) . It really is in his best interest in 100 ways to let me get this done.

Posts: 132 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: United States
Jules1111
♀ Member
Member # 41463
Default  Posted: 5:50 PM, December 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

P.s. its not the yearly mammo's that scare me without insurance, it is what happens when they find something with no insurance. I know a woman only a year or 2 older than me that is now stage 4. Single 3 kids no insurance. While insurance may seem silly to some of you all of our situations are different and on mine it is a big factor in my fear.

Posts: 132 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: United States
anewday78
♂ Member
Member # 39357
Default  Posted: 6:34 PM, December 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jules, from what you've described, you've got him by the balls so try not to allow yourself to go in panic mode. He doesn't have the resources to follow through with any of the legal moves. And even if he does have enough to get the ball rolling, he didn't have enough to put up much of a fight if you come out swinging. Open up an account in YOUR NAME ONLY and start siphoning funds into it as you also work on passing down the debt over the next two years. Every little bit helps - even if it's only a few bucks per week. You have far more of a plan than him/them, so you have the competitive advantage.

Posts: 350 | Registered: May 2013
RippedSoul
♀ Member
Member # 40055
Default  Posted: 6:43 PM, December 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Jules)))

As someone who raised 4 children on $13,000/year when my SAWH was in grad school, believe me when I say there are programs that will help you through this. Don't let fear get in the way of your 180, of your way back to a place of dignity and strength. I understand being afraid, but I hate that he has the power right now to make you grovel. You can't change one little thing about him, but you can empower yourself and your children.

First, check into subsidized housing. You'll usually find it under the heading of Housing Authority of New York City or Housing Authority of Wichita County. You MAY not be able to apply yet since you've still got income, technically. But you could ask questions, get the paperwork started, find out what housing is available (some apartments are within public housing; some--better IMO--are within other, non-public housing apartment complexes). When we first signed up (when we started grad school), we were told the wait list was 2 to 5 years!!! I was floored! But, for us, it was only 6 months. There is a waiting list and certain things put you at the top of the list: handicaps, being "underhoused," having your current rent be a much higher percentage of your income than it should be, etc. We had 3 children (of different genders) in a 2 bedroom apartment. That, plus our extreme poverty vaulted us to the top of the list. We ended up getting Section 8 vouchers and living in student housing at the university. No one--but us--knew.

Second, back then (15 years ago?), we paid for our student health insurance, but our children were covered under Medicaid. Free. Of our $13,000/yr, we paid $4500 ($1500/semester for our insurance--no dental, no vision) for the two of us. Medicaid paid for all well-child visits, dental, vision, etc. You do NOT need to worry about being so poor. Being that poor, strangely enough, has its advantages. We've only been that poor 5 years out of our lives, but it was better than the first 5 years post-PhD when we no longer qualified for anything. Our kids had a better life when we were poor than when we were middle class. That's not to say you will stay there; that's meant to encourage you and let you know that the window of poverty while you're in school is workable. Your boys can get scholarships for swimming lessons/basketball leagues, etc. from the local YMCA, B&G Clubs, etc.

There's also WIC, food stamps (we didn't qualify because our minivan was worth too much), etc. to get you through the tough times. Others have talked about help from your university. You DO have options. You really do. Your hands are not tied and you are not helpless.

It's not fun to be poor, but it's not the end of the world, either. Living with your WH, depending on his charity, being verbally and emotionally abused by him, worrying about when he might pull the rug out from under you/your sons--that's what's truly miserable. Please put all your energies (aside from studying and mothering and breathing) into finding out what resources are out there for women in your shoes. You can do this. We're all part of your cheering section!!!


BW: 49; SLAWH: 46; M: 23 yrs
DD#1--11/30/12 (prostitute #1)
DD#2--1/29/13 (AP, escorts #1 & #2)
DD#3--9/13 (trolling MILF site)
DD#4--10/8/13 (EA with AP cont'd)
DD: 20; DD: 18; DS: 16; DS: 14
PS: I've NEVER NOT edited my posts

Posts: 461 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
peoplepleaser
♀ Member
Member # 41535
Default  Posted: 2:09 AM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jules, I'm so sorry. And I'm impressed by your courage, strength and commitment to yourself and DS.

I almost posted this last week, but your financial situation should you divorce (while not great) is not as bad as it may seem. Most courts do not award alimony (although in your case with your schooling and his indiscretion, you might have a chance). While that's not great news, it leaves you in a position to go on government assistance as a single mom in school full time. I read that you are trying to pay off your debt, but you might consider financial aid for continuing school, as well. I know that many of us have moral and ethical reasons for not considering these options, but they are there for situations like this.

With regard to him coming into your home, I was reminded of a friend of mine who separated from her WS. The WS attempted several times to come into the home without permission before her name was off the title. Since they had agreed to separate and since WS had moved out, she had no claim to enter the home without BS permission. If you haven't visited an attorney, I recommend doing so soon so you have all the knowledge you need about how the situation can play out. I fear you are worrying about things more than is necessary, which breaks my heart for you as you wade through your emotions.

Hugs to you.


WS: 39--2 EAs
BS: 39--me, faithful
DS: 6
9 year relationship in R.
DDay #1: September 6, 2013 EA for 5 weeks August 2013.
DDay #2: January 2, 2014 EA for 6 weeks summer 2011.
"I am still learning." -Michelangelo

Posts: 713 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Midwest
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jules - One last thought, if you don't have the up front $$ that attorney's are asking for then please contact your local abused womens shelter.

You are an abused spouse at this point. You will need help these people are anxious, and happy to help you. Esp someone like you who is breaking the cycle, and becoming an independent woman who will be more than able to support herself and her kids.

There are many many many nurses out there that have walked in your shoes, or a path similar to yours. You will do this. You will be ok, but please do not be reluctant to utilize the resources that are at your fingertips, and do NOT allow your WH to manipulate the situation.

YOU are STRONG, SMART, FIERCE, and YOU WILL SUCCEED!!!!!


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8718 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
crisp
♂ Member
Member # 34236
Default  Posted: 3:29 PM, January 10th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The various programs available and the benefit they provide are highly dependent on the state you live in. Are the place you currently live and the place your father lives in the same state? The support laws also vary from state to state. You should educate yourself so that you can make informed decisions. For instance, if you find that there is no spousal support in the state your father lives in, but there is medicaid expansion for you and the kids, you might decide to file for divorce and then move to your father's house. Conversely, it might make sense for you to move to another state, establish residency there and then file.

The internet has the basic information you need to get the outlines for what the strategic benefits afforded by each possible locations. If you find that task daunting, PM me with the locations and I might be able to help you. For example, if you live in a state that accepted the Medicaid expansion under the new health law, you you would be eligible for FREE health care with no deductible so long as your CURRENT income is below $26,000 a year (family of 3-you and 2 kids) after you separate.


Endeavor to persevere. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=csEzTwKemwY

Posts: 410 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: NE US
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