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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: What is your definition of NC?
ruinedandbroken
♀ Member
Member # 29250
Default  Posted: 9:43 PM, December 16th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just curious....It seems that people here have different degrees of the extent of NC they have with their EX's.

Sometimes I wonder if I am too extreme. Let me start by saying it took me a LONG, LONG time for me to go NC. I shudder at how many letters I wrote to him, practically begging him to show remorse. (vomit) or how many times I texted him or expressed anger, etc. I finally reached a point where I came to accept that there was no use trying to appeal to his human side because he simply doesn't have one.

So I've gone to the other extreme. I ignore pretty much everything he says to me, which, trust me, isn't much. Happy Mothers day? = crickets. Thank you = crickets. Do you still have DS2 train set? = crickets. Can you let me know when DS has a meeting at school? = crickets. I don't text him pictures of the kids. I don't ask him to switch visitation days. (I'll just simply change or cancel plans) I don't share stories about the kids. I don't share anything with him, at all, that I don't legally have to and I don't ask him for anything. Nothing. nada. I try to pretend, in my own mind, that he doesn't exist as much as possible. It has helped me detach to a degree.

But, omg, I feel like such a bitch! Yes, he deserves it and no, I don't give a crap about his feelings in this. I sometimes just feel that I am compromising myself and who I am in this because this is just not me. This is not my personality. And I struggle with it sometimes. But on the other hand, I don't know any other way to be with him. I wore my heart on my sleeve for so long with him and he took advantage of it and was horribly emotionally abusive to me.

IDK... just rambling here I guess. Just wondering if I take things too far. What does NC mean to you?


“People who cheat feel that life is for the taking, and that everyone deserves happiness no matter what the cost. I must remember these tricks if I ever have my soul surgically removed."
Me: BS 42. Him: WH 41 2 Kids 6&9
Married 14 yrs Together 21

Posts: 1575 | Registered: Aug 2010
Gemini71
♀ Member
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 9:47 PM, December 16th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The purpose of NC is to have no new hurts. If the process is hurting you, adjust it so its a better fit for you. NC is for YOUR benefit. If you want to respond to XH, do so. You'll find out quick enough if XH has learned that communicating with you is a privilege.


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 1860 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
ruinedandbroken
♀ Member
Member # 29250
Default  Posted: 10:16 PM, December 16th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess...... Not sure which would hurt more or less?


“People who cheat feel that life is for the taking, and that everyone deserves happiness no matter what the cost. I must remember these tricks if I ever have my soul surgically removed."
Me: BS 42. Him: WH 41 2 Kids 6&9
Married 14 yrs Together 21

Posts: 1575 | Registered: Aug 2010
tesla
♀ Member
Member # 34697
Default  Posted: 10:21 PM, December 16th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I struggled for a long time with letting go of the part of myself that felt compelled to do shit for him. I took care of the nitty-gritty life details in the marriage...so up until a couple of months ago, I was still taking care of the nitty-gritty life details post D...switching when he wanted, keeping the google calendar...informing him of this and that.

Honestly, it kept him fixed in my head. I hate having that fucker in my head. A couple of months ago, I pretty much switched to parallel parenting mode (doing pretty much what you are doing) and my life is better. I still feel compelled to help him figure shit out...I can't help that urge...it's part of my personality. But I sure don't act on it anymore with him.

He's not worth that effort. There are so many other people in my life that deserve my helpfulness...that *appreciate* my helpfulness. If this man can't be bothered to do shit for his son (read the parenting time guidelines and excercise his full visitation, call his son, get involved in his school, hell, just be involved in his child's life) why the hell would I waste my time and contact on such a fool?

My definition of NC is give the idiot the information he needs to know IF it can come from no other source but me or he has no way to access that knowledge. (Example, Teslet makes a trip to the ER...I let him know because there is no other way he would be able to have access to that information). Let him know when the christmas program is at Teslet's school? Nope, sorry, he has access to the information...he can damn well find it himself.


"Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch." --King Lear

Posts: 4683 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Indiana
Thefly559
♂ Member
Member # 40268
Default  Posted: 10:26 PM, December 16th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well I love this post because I agree . I originally thought no contact meant I never text her. But when she started a text I would return with hatred and anger and sarcasm. Now I have been total no contact as you, and I love it ! No it is not me either but it has helped me greatly to detach. It does hurt my kids at times and my wallet but they do not get deprived they just get double of everything. If I never talk to her again the rest of my life that will be too soon. I plan on going the rest of my life like this she does not deserve my head space or words or thoughts or the air I breathe. That is a fact. You have to do what is right for you but it sounds to me like you are. Wishing you well.


"what does not kill you , makes you stronger"

Posts: 678 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nyc
ruinedandbroken
♀ Member
Member # 29250
Default  Posted: 10:30 PM, December 16th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes Tesla. That's exactly what I'm doing; ignoring him unless the information can only come from me. It's not that I'm trying to help him, it's just not my personality to be so rude to anyone, even his stupid ass.


“People who cheat feel that life is for the taking, and that everyone deserves happiness no matter what the cost. I must remember these tricks if I ever have my soul surgically removed."
Me: BS 42. Him: WH 41 2 Kids 6&9
Married 14 yrs Together 21

Posts: 1575 | Registered: Aug 2010
finallymefirst
♀ Member
Member # 41060
Default  Posted: 11:03 PM, December 16th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I struggled with this for a long time. I was irritated by him being mean or nice. The rejection really affected me. NC helped me tremendously. My NC was similar to urs. We parallel parent. My breakthrough came when I realized that I didn't want anything from him anymore. Not his love, his validation or his remorse.

I always try to imagine what complete healing would look like. Would I be above it all or would I be a bitch. I'm neither. I'm just me. I like feeling inner peace and happiness. So when I interact with him now I'm just happy that I don't need or want anything from him anymore. I"m free.


Posts: 120 | Registered: Oct 2013
IrishLass518
♀ Member
Member # 34373
Default  Posted: 11:42 PM, December 16th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have complete NC on my part. I only communicate if it is about IrishLad and his visitation schedule. I don't inform xWH of anything, I had tried but if I let him know that our son was sick, I was told that I was not supposed to fax Dr's reports to him. So, I don't do anything. I don't feel that I am being a bitch, I am protecting myself. xWH doesn't want me to communicate with him, then I will respect that but he can't throw a fit because he doesn't know what is going on.

xWH always has a double standard and changes the rules to suit his mood. I don't even try to play the game. I ignore it all.

I stay happy and stress free with this level of NC


Me: 46 BS Divorced
Him: 45 Married OW
DDay: 07/04/2008
Divorced: 06/15/2011
5 kids: IrishLass 27,IrishLad 25, IrishLass 23, IrishLad 21 and IrishLad 12
"You can't run from trouble..there ain't no place that far"

Posts: 1777 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: WA
Chrysalis123
♀ Member
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 12:05 AM, December 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Now I have been total no contact as you, and I love it ! No it is not me either but it has helped me greatly to detach. It does hurt my kids at times and my wallet but they do not get deprived they just get double of everything. If I never talk to her again the rest of my life that will be too soon. I plan on going the rest of my life like this she does not deserve my head space or words or thoughts or the air I breathe. That is a fact.

This! I struggled with feeling like I was being rude, and use to respond, but then NPDx would weasel his way back in to use what I did or said against me somehow.

Once I learned to not hit my head into that brick wall I felt a lot better.

I don't feel bad at all.

It drives him nuts that I won't talk to him. Of course it is all my fault. But my give a dam is broken,


Don’t get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well. 

Posts: 2707 | Registered: Jan 2010
endlessabsurdity
Member
Member # 40249
Default  Posted: 1:15 AM, December 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are not a bitch. You are setting boundaries and protecting yourself. If it were possibly for me to permanently remove my WW from my life, I would do it. She has hurt me more than anyone probably ever will, and she continues to harm me and my children with her behavior. The only way to deal with such a person is to cut them out of your life to the maximum extent practical. My children are the mitigating factor, though to be honest, I don't think that I've taken it far enough. It has nothing to do with getting even or harming the other person. It is not vindictive or petty or rude. It has everything to do with protecting yourself. That person is not safe. There is no reason to cause yourself deliberate harm by engaging with them.

Posts: 80 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: United States
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 6:33 AM, December 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My definition of NC is give the idiot the information he needs to know IF it can come from no other source but me or he has no way to access that knowledge.

THIS. 1,000% this. NC for me also extends to no info about him, no gossip, nothing. He is invisible to me and I try to make myself invisible to him.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5609 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
ruinedandbroken
♀ Member
Member # 29250
Default  Posted: 7:27 PM, December 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok. Glad to know I'm not the only one handling it this way.

It feels so un-natural to me. :(


“People who cheat feel that life is for the taking, and that everyone deserves happiness no matter what the cost. I must remember these tricks if I ever have my soul surgically removed."
Me: BS 42. Him: WH 41 2 Kids 6&9
Married 14 yrs Together 21

Posts: 1575 | Registered: Aug 2010
PhantomLimb
♀ Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 7:58 PM, December 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I haven't spoken to my XWS-- in any form-- since I walked away after DDay2. Nothing.

Of course, we didn't have children and our finances were already separate.

This did mean that I lost a fair number of things in the S/D because I chose not to ask for them. But I judged that was a small price to pay.

I did call him on our wedding anniversary about 4 mos after we S. I had 180-ed him pretty hard from the get-go and I wanted to communicate that having cut him (and his family) from social media, having blocked his phone, etc and my ongoing NC wasn't vindictive, but protective in nature. I'm not sure why I felt like this was necessary. In any event, he let me go to voicemail. I found out later he had run off somewhere with MCOW that weekend. Figures.

So I learned my lesson the one time I "broke" it. And, frankly, I think I showed I was a human, so no big deal. Even my IC said he was glad I did it because, otherwise, I was showing an inhuman ability to NC.

I do find that when I "discover" things about him since, it is damaging. Some of his mail still comes here and I discovered via a magazine renewal request that he moved out of our place last summer. That means he either kept or tossed my remaining things-- or gave them to her. That sucked. I also have a friend who was his coworker for the months after DDay. Saw her for the first time since last Friday. Dinner was fun, but once she started telling me about how his life kind of fell apart after I left, I felt shitty. He may be facing a bit of karma, but I don't find any joy in that. What good is karma is he doesn't know or won't admit his life is crappy without me!

So I'm very glad that I've taken the hard NC route. I don't think I could handle constant TT or intermittent contact. Break as much as possible to heal.

[This message edited by PhantomLimb at 8:00 PM, December 17th (Tuesday)]


BS / D

Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2013
tryingagain74
♀ Member
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 8:18 PM, December 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What I wish it could be: never having to see him or communicate with him ever, ever again.

What it is: because we have kids, I do have to do a certain amount of emailing with him about medical expenses, reminders to return things, visitation dates on occasion, etc. I also text him when he has the kids and I'm picking them up so that he has them ready.

However, I do not email him pictures of the kids or tell him anything personal about them anymore. If they wish to share something nice that happened at school or talk about something fun they did with him, that's up to them to do it. If the kids ask me questions about the divorce, I no longer let him know. Again, if they wish to discuss it with him, then that is their choice. I also don't chat with him anymore at pick up/drop off or basically acknowledge him if I don't have to. I engage with the kids and pretend that he isn't there. I can't believe that we used to sit together at school concerts, and I'd email him if they were upset about the divorce so he'd be in the know.

Once CommandOwife started leading him around by the nose (and by other body parts, for sure), that all ended, so we are now as NC as is humanly possible. While I will never forget what he did and pretend that it was okay, I was willing to be more civil with him than we currently are (and than he deserved). However, it's probably best this way because it has helped me move forward. I think that staying too chummy would have messed with my head, and maybe I would have been willing to give him a second chance. The person I have become wants nothing to do with that, so I think that this state of detente has been beneficial to me.


BS (Me) 39
Happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3620 | Registered: Oct 2011
brightsidegirl
New Member
Member # 41664
Default  Posted: 10:17 PM, December 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I struggle with this too. Every time I break NC, I regret it. He likes to fight with me. If he gets me riled up, it makes him feel so powerful!

We have two kids, so I have to do some communicating, but it is always tense and prone to fights. When I didn't help him out with finding a babysitter on his night that he couldn't take, he got so mad at me and sent me a long email saying "I'm hurting the kids" and "I'm a shitty mom". I'm done cleaning up his messes and making sure he knows how to wipe his butt. It may cause more tension up front, but I'm hoping that long term it will be better for all of us.

Good luck with your decision!


I tried to be everything you'd ever want and sometimes I even stood on my heart and stomped. Now I'm finally alone and dressed for the show but going nowhere.
--Sara Bareilles

Posts: 34 | Registered: Dec 2013
careerlady
♀ Member
Member # 16958
Default  Posted: 11:39 PM, December 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow you guys are hard core! I'm not NC yet but I have plenty of apathy to draw from

To me NC is different. It's just communication about the kids and other common business in a pleasant but disinterested way. I might send the Snake pics of DS and answer questions about DS but then crickets on anything personal about me.
I can't imagine not answering a question about DS. Like how else would your ex know if you have the train set?

I am either too new to this, too dumb, or too soft


Me (BS, 35); The Snake (WS, 36) 13yrs together; 1 baby boy (DOB 7/12)
Serial cheater-Multiple OWs, Multiple D-Days
D by default 5/3/14!
In house 8 mos, moved out 7/1!!!
Summary: http://youtu.be/iaysTVcounI

Posts: 942 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Northern California
endlessabsurdity
Member
Member # 40249
Default  Posted: 11:53 PM, December 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I didn't help him out with finding a babysitter on his night that he couldn't take, he got so mad at me and sent me a long email saying "I'm hurting the kids" and "I'm a shitty mom".

I got angry just reading this. What a selfish prick. Can't take care of himself, so he attacks you.

I've read suggestions about communicating through a 3rd party that can filter out emotional content like this. I'm keeping that option in my back pocket in case my WS ever can't keep it to strictly business.


Posts: 80 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: United States
Topic Posts: 17

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