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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: R has been worth it!!!
IGaveItMyAll
♂ Member
Member # 38622
Default  Posted: 1:45 PM, December 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Had a rough MC today, basically I am just suppose to wait until he's ready to give me what I need.
That part is hard. I ran myself in circles for a long time waiting for my WW to meet my needs. Still do at times. I just put more focus on me meeting my own needs and not being dependent on someone else making me feel whole. That comes from within,

My favorite saying that I got from SI:
You can lead a horse to the water, shove his face in it and try and force him to drink BUT you will just wind up getting kicked in the face!!!

You can't force people to look into the darkest spots within themselves. They have to want to do that for themselves. I think when they actually do this on their own terms that is when R is really possible. But Oh the waiting game. Its enough to drive you crazy.


ME-BS 34
FWW-28
M 6 Yrs
DDAY- 8/20/12
R

Posts: 332 | Registered: Mar 2013
forgivingnow
♀ Member
Member # 33549
Default  Posted: 5:17 PM, December 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I love that you said "we decided to grow thru this together". At the end of the book 'The 7 levels of Intimacy' the author states "don't just hope for a great relationship, decide!" And then work on it......
You are so right when you said we can't change what happened and once you accept that and process the pain along the way, you can decide how to move forward.
"You can't force people to look into the darkest spots within themselves." SO true. I am very thankful my husband is there now, it took a long time...28 months post day. And the result is an incredible level of emotional and physical intimacy.
Thank you for sharing your insight and hope.


Me-BS 51
FWH-51
M 31 yrs.
Dday 3-19-11, TT 10/2011, Full truth July 2013
Strength comes from within. You can't get it from someone or go somewhere to get it. It is already here, waiting to be used when you need it most. Believe in yourself.
R

Posts: 611 | Registered: Oct 2011
IGaveItMyAll
♂ Member
Member # 38622
Default  Posted: 5:47 PM, December 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am very thankful my husband is there now, it took a long time...28 months post day. And the result is an incredible level of emotional and physical intimacy.
Thank you for sharing your insight and hope.
Me too. I am glad my wife is there now. took her somewhere along the lines of the 12-13 months. The best thing we discovered is that she had post partum depression after our son was born 8 years ago, this was never treated and she has been clinically depressed since. I don't think she would have caught this if she didn't dig and keep going back saying something isn't right. We are excited to see where her treatment of this will take us. Hopefully even closer physically and emotionally. Depression is a strange illness. We both couldn't understand why she was always negative, why she couldn't wake up and why she lost her sex drive. All of those things are things she really want to have but just physically couldn't do it. She had a lot of guilt associated with them. Our MC said the medication should restore that and help him continue working with her. We are both really hopeful for the future. I looked up all the symptoms of depression and the majoirty of those things are issues I have been frustrated with her about. Now I think they are physically beyond her control. Its crazy in R we broke down every aspect of our relationship and really explored where we needed improvement, what we both wanted individually and together. It has taken this breakdown to rebuild a healthier marriage honestly.


ME-BS 34
FWW-28
M 6 Yrs
DDAY- 8/20/12
R

Posts: 332 | Registered: Mar 2013
lostcovenants
♀ Member
Member # 40637
Default  Posted: 8:13 PM, December 21st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes the waiting and waiting and waiting! Thanks IGaveItMyAll I need the validation. We actually connected last night - read some of "Not Just Friends" together, got him to read a few threads on SI had a nice calm talk and um well had a nice you know...

The waiting is paying off, hope our progress can continue.

We are worth it.



BS 60; fWH 59; 2 children, 1 grandchild; Married 37+ years, he is my only; D-day 7/8/13; Married OW, PA 2009-2011; sexting with same MOW 2012-2013. Broke it off about a week before I found out.

Update-Sexting on cheating forums 14 YEARS. Idiot me


Posts: 161 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: USA
ziganska
♀ Member
Member # 41690
Default  Posted: 1:07 PM, December 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you so much IGaveItMyAll and please keep posting stuff like this. My H and I are entering week 4 of me knowing everything and it's been such a rollercoaster. I have good minutes followed by bad hours but he's saying he's dedicating the rest of his life to being the husband I need and he acknowledges that the mere fact that I'm sitting next to him is a precious gift (and a last chance). I so desperately want to believe that we're going to have a better life together....one day....but have told him that he has to work on himself and not only get me out of this ditch he drove us into. He's in therapy, I'm in therapy, we're in therapy. We're also taking 2 weeks off in January to go somewhere..not a vacation but away from where we're from so we can just be together 24/7...and be really present for each other. I will reread your postings again before I take that trip.


Me: 42
Him: 49
DD: 12/2/2013
Married: 9 years but together for 15
Recovering, Reconciling, Rebuilding, Restoring

Posts: 123 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: New York
industriousbee
♀ Member
Member # 41324
Default  Posted: 11:32 PM, December 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for sharing your positive story!


Married 8 years
ME BS 30
HIM WS 33
DD 1.5 years old
DDAY 11-13-12

Posts: 116 | Registered: Nov 2013
eachdayisvictory
♀ Member
Member # 40462
Default  Posted: 5:59 AM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The thing I want to note is how lucky we all are to have been strong enough to get through the shot in the belly the discovery of betrayal is, and to become the amazing people that we all are (BSs and fWSs alike). Buddhists believe (I think) that the ONLY way to enlightenment is through great pain and sacrifice. I am no Buddhist, but I think there's something to that. There's a difference between people who have worked through trauma like this, people who have never experienced trauma, and people who manage it poorly.

Point is, this story demonstrates an amazing self-awareness and the result of countless days, months, years of work. I just want to acknowledge this holiday season how amazing you, me, our spouses, and everyone on SI are. Your story reminded me of a lot of strategies that are helpful to me (not marinating in painful thoughts etc.).

So, thanks. I'm going to rest my mind on the joy I take in my family today, and enjoy my two ridiculously over-excited boys!


me, BW: 34
FWH: 35
Dday: Feb 2013
LTA for 2+years
children: 2 boys age 3 and 6
Reconciling

Posts: 379 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nova Scotia, Canada
Topic Posts: 27
Pages: 1 · 2

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