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User Topic: Just left IC session, a little lost
jzkc1502
Member
Member # 40496
Default  Posted: 3:19 PM, December 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Left an IC session w/ our MC. We'd been to two joint sessions with him, WH has had 1 IC, and this was my 2nd IC. I'm a little lost, feeling minimized and like I need to "get over this and move on".

MC said things like "people who are hurting have off ways of acting out" in reference to the texting/calling escorts. And almost downplaying that it was happening "for only a short period of time".

Idk. Made me feel like I'm not validated in wanting D. I'm sad, torn, scared, lonely, confused as it is and this almost made it worse.


Me: BS 29
Him: WH 28
Together: 9 years, married 3
DDay: August 2010
OW: Escorts/Craigslist (escorts and strip club on our honeymoon!)
Status: Divorcing

Posts: 139 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: NJ
plainpain
♀ Member
Member # 40139
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, December 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Get a new MC.


Me: Believer; 40s
Him: Liar; 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
OW:21
In successful R, but still in just plain pain.

Posts: 744 | Registered: Jul 2013
cl131716
♀ Member
Member # 40699
Default  Posted: 4:57 PM, December 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah I'd say a new MC. It could be a reason for an A but it's certainly no excuse! Lots of "hurting" people don't cheat! If that was the case we'd all be cheaters too.


Me BS 31
Him WS 34 Trying4change
Together 3 years, married for one
D-day: 07/23/13 cybersex with COW
D-day: 12/27/13 found out he met and kissed a "friend" in 2011
"A clear and innocent conscience fears nothing."

Posts: 935 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oklahoma
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 5:02 PM, December 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That happened with our first MC. He knew Crazz cheated and didn't disclose to me. Then, in our second or third session, he told me I should learn to let go of it. (2 weeks post DDay!)

Crazz was the first to say that we had to shop for a new counselor. Thank goodness.

Take heart - your feelings are valid, and you don't HAVE to stay with any one counselor if it doesn't feel right.

Sending big hugs.


We are what we repeatedly do, excellence, then is not an act but a habit. - Aristotle

Posts: 16396 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
RealityStinks
♂ Member
Member # 41457
Default  Posted: 5:14 PM, December 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree - time for a new MC.

IMO, you should be the one that gets to decide on the MC. My WW refused to go to the first one after 4 sessions because "she isn't listening to me". The truth is, the MC told her she was wrong in what she was doing. The same thing happened with the second MC, and now my WW refuses to go to MC anymore. Well, for the time being anyway.

I had an IC session today, and I left feeling empowered and better about my situation. That's what you should feel like after IC, IMO. My IC does not downplay the A at all. He encourages me to basically 180 until WW is ready to work on the M or she files for D. He also encourages me not to dwell on it because I can not change the fact that it happened. Instead, he encourages me to focus on me and spending my energy in ways that benefit me. It doesn't do me any good to dwell or speculate, and the WW doesn't care. He helps to put all that into perspective, and I feel better when I leave.

IMO, if you don't feel like that when you leave, then it is time for a new MC (not saying that IC or MC shouldn't be honest, and at times that may make you feel bad, but they shouldn't rug sweep either).


Posts: 414 | Registered: Nov 2013
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 6:18 PM, December 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

New MC, for sure.

It doesn't matter how minor WS's actions are - your H betrayed and traumatized you, and a betrayed person doesn't just 'move on'. An MC who doesn't know that is incompetent.

I'm really sorry you have to deal with this jerk.

If your H's A is a deal breaker, or if it's the straw that broke the back of your M, then D is the right choice for you. Are you aware of the Separation & Divorce forum on SI? Having met a number of SIers who chose D and who I believe post on S/D (I don't look at that forum because I'm superstitious ), I would bet you can get lots of support and validation from there.


fBH (me) - 65+, fWW (her) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9757 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
jzkc1502
Member
Member # 40496
Default  Posted: 8:19 AM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

duhhhh forgot to mention, and this one left me a little

I was really trying to break it down for MC about the condom story so he can understand why I believe in my heart WH had sex with someone and didn't masturbate into it. And so MC then goes:

"Well how would be be paying the escorts? Wouldn;t you see the charge on a credit/debit statement?"

So I said, well during that time WH did a lot fo caterings for the restaurant he managed and got cash tips all the time. I mean, WH could tell me the tip was $300, when it was really $400 for example, I'd never know. So the MC does:

"So, what he'd just give an escort cash?"

Am I totally losing it? Isn't that normal for a hooker to be paid in cash?! WTF!


Me: BS 29
Him: WH 28
Together: 9 years, married 3
DDay: August 2010
OW: Escorts/Craigslist (escorts and strip club on our honeymoon!)
Status: Divorcing

Posts: 139 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: NJ
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 8:26 AM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"So, what he'd just give an escort cash?"

Am I totally losing it? Isn't that normal for a hooker to be paid in cash?! WTF!

Yes, they get paid in cash.

I'm sorry but that MC sounds out of touch. I wouldn't bother going back to that one. Get to an IC for you. Hopefully a CSAT!


Posts: 1205 | Registered: Aug 2010
traditoperanni
♀ Member
Member # 32660
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Get rid of this MC. Make it known that you are there to hopefully repair the damage your wh has done. That you are not there to hear excuses for his behavior. For, whatever reasons he "acted out"
does not excuse what he has done to you. You are calling the shots
right now and he's lucky you are even going to an MC. Shop around for another one.


Me- BS (63)
Him-WS (63)
M- 42 yrs
dday#1 11/09, Dday #2 10/11 and many since
P.A.'s - too many to count
LTA's too many to count (one for 37 yrs)
escorts etc- way too many to count.
Broken heart- too many times to count.
R- Getting bet

Posts: 427 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 1:25 PM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"So, what he'd just give an escort cash?"

And how did you reply to ^^^that gem?


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7695 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Brandon808
♂ Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 1:31 PM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

people who are hurting have off ways of acting out
"off ways"??? "off"??? Really?
"So, what he'd just give an escort cash?"
Sooooo...your MC is a moron then?

Really? Gee, an illegal transaction (because it is actually illegal in nearly every jurisdiction in the country) being done in cash. Who would have thought it?

I think I'd have to say to the MC "We feel we need to pursue MC with someone else. It's not just that I disagree with your approach. It's just that you're an idiot."


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3652 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
jzkc1502
Member
Member # 40496
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"So, what he'd just give an escort cash?"


And how did you reply to ^^^that gem?

I gave him the most confused look and was like "ummm, yea pretty sure thats how it works, with cash". I really was just flabbergasted that he was almost insinuating that because I never found a credit card transaction that would prove WH never visited an escort. It was just odd. I thought everyone knew this stuff is a cash biz.


Me: BS 29
Him: WH 28
Together: 9 years, married 3
DDay: August 2010
OW: Escorts/Craigslist (escorts and strip club on our honeymoon!)
Status: Divorcing

Posts: 139 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: NJ
2oldforthis
♀ Member
Member # 19825
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe the C needed a smart remark, like yes he did pay with cash, but I told him from now on he needed to write them a check and make sure to get their S.S. number for tax purposes.


He did not see what he had in me, what I saw in him I did not have!

Love kills slowly.


Posts: 1633 | Registered: Jun 2008
cl131716
♀ Member
Member # 40699
Default  Posted: 2:05 PM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"Well how would be be paying the escorts? Wouldn;t you see the charge on a credit/debit statement?"

So I said, well during that time WH did a lot fo caterings for the restaurant he managed and got cash tips all the time. I mean, WH could tell me the tip was $300, when it was really $400 for example, I'd never know. So the MC does:

"So, what he'd just give an escort cash?"

Wow! How else would you pay an escort? It's ILLEGAL and I'm pretty sure they don't carry credit card machines on them!!!


Me BS 31
Him WS 34 Trying4change
Together 3 years, married for one
D-day: 07/23/13 cybersex with COW
D-day: 12/27/13 found out he met and kissed a "friend" in 2011
"A clear and innocent conscience fears nothing."

Posts: 935 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oklahoma
lynnm1947
♀ Member
Member # 15300
Default  Posted: 2:09 PM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Was he protected much as a child? Jeez Louise, everybody except him DOES know. We all watched "Pretty Woman".

Edited to add: Apparently they DO now carry credit card machines--the tiny little Squared Up thing that attaches to your smart phones.

[This message edited by lynnm1947 at 2:10 PM, December 18th (Wednesday)]


Age: 64..ummmmmmm, no...............65....no...oh, hell born in 1947. You figure it out!

"I could have missed the pain, but I would have had to miss the dance." Garth Brooks


Posts: 7118 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Toronto, Canada
jzkc1502
Member
Member # 40496
Default  Posted: 2:30 PM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh I forgot to mention, I told MC that not that I think a spouse who has a drug addiction is an easy thing to deal with at all, BUT I was saying that I feel as though if my spouse told me they had a drug addiction I would be more willing to save the relationship (granted that no sexual cheating was ever involved)and work through issues. MC really didn't agree with this and said something along the lines of "ohhh drug addiciton is sometimes more detrimental to a relationship than this" I don't understand why its like he's implying what WH did isn't a big deal and it was just "Acting out" WTF! I'm so done with this.


Me: BS 29
Him: WH 28
Together: 9 years, married 3
DDay: August 2010
OW: Escorts/Craigslist (escorts and strip club on our honeymoon!)
Status: Divorcing

Posts: 139 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: NJ
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 2:40 PM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm a bit confused. Are the C's comments that you've added just for our edification, or are you still uncertain that this C is incompetent?

If you still think he may be competent, how come?

Or are you having difficulty standing up for yourself and firing the guy? The C aura can be very intimidating, after all.

What support do you need?


fBH (me) - 65+, fWW (her) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9757 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
jzkc1502
Member
Member # 40496
Default  Posted: 2:50 PM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm a bit confused. Are the C's comments that you've added just for our edification, or are you still uncertain that this C is incompetent?

If you still think he may be competent, how come?

Or are you having difficulty standing up for yourself and firing the guy? The C aura can be very intimidating, after all.

What support do you need?

Sorry, just venting.


Me: BS 29
Him: WH 28
Together: 9 years, married 3
DDay: August 2010
OW: Escorts/Craigslist (escorts and strip club on our honeymoon!)
Status: Divorcing

Posts: 139 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: NJ
Topic Posts: 18

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