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New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Heartbroken - and it's my own fault...
Whalers11
♀ Member
Member # 27544
Default  Posted: 5:07 PM, December 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just venting, mostly...

I have only had one "relationship" in my new beginning - if you can even call it that. It was a very intense FWB situation with a man that I felt a very strong connection with from day one, who I also ended up falling in love with... (I think...I'm not sure if I even know what love feels like anymore.) We had very different long term goals and I had to end it before I got more attached than I already was, because there was no way it was going to end well.

Well, not too long ago, in a moment of weakness and loneliness, I rekindled this FWB. I still very much am attracted to him, and enjoy his company and he makes me feel good. We didn't discuss what "this" was going to be, or if it required exclusivity - and if I'm honest, I probably presented this as a very casual thing, even if that wasn't what I was really looking for. Because I was afraid he would turn me down otherwise.

Sunday night I saw him out with another woman...girl, actually. She looked to be about college-aged while he is in his early 40s. They were clearly on a date. And I felt my heartbreak into a million pieces on the spot.

I can't even be mad at him - he didn't do anything wrong. We weren't dating, and we didn't discuss that there was an expectation of exclusivity. But dammit, it hurts.

I know I brought it on myself, though.

This NB shit is hard.


Me: BGF - 33
Together 11+ years - not married, no children.
D-Day: 2/9/2010
OC Born: 10/9/2010
Status: He chose OW/OC and left immediately.

Posts: 2259 | Registered: Feb 2010
Crescita
♀ Member
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 5:14 PM, December 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Whalers)))

Posts: 3445 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
Williesmom
♀ Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 5:44 PM, December 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Whalers))

It is very hard. I'm with you.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7765 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
imwideawake
♀ Member
Member # 23386
Default  Posted: 5:50 PM, December 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Whalers)) I know the feeling. I have been in the same place recently. I put myself there, and I broke it off because we want different things. He is younger and wants kids of his own. Rather than wait around while he looks for a long term partner I broke it off. I'm very attracted to him and moving on hurts. But we've moved on from serious betrayal. We will survive this.


Together 17 years.
Married 15
Me: BW, now 44
Him WH
dday 9/08
3 daughters, now 19, 17, & 15
Divorced 12/04/12

Posts: 893 | Registered: Mar 2009
StillLivin
♀ Member
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 5:52 PM, December 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ewwwwww, that is so sick though.
I know it hurts, but look he is with a kid for crying out loud.
He showed you that you made the right choice.
Of course it still hurts, but you don't need that drama in your future.
Uhgggg, just gross!
(((hugs)))


I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2334 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 5:55 PM, December 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Whalers)))) I'm so sorry, honey.


You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana


Posts: 25727 | Registered: Aug 2011
sheila0304
Member
Member # 25041
Default  Posted: 6:32 PM, December 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Whalers))
I dread the thought of seeing FWB alone so the thought of seeing him with a love interest is gut wrenching. I'm sorry you're going through that. Anyway, you're not alone... I understand

Posts: 1175 | Registered: Aug 2009
torn2bits
♀ Member
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 7:35 PM, December 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Whalers)))

The heart is so fragile. I know what you mean about feeling good, great sex, and just having someone there even though you know there is no future.

Take it easy on yourself and do something fun for you!


Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1240 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 7:37 PM, December 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Whalers)) I've been on the other side of this and it is one of the reasons I've sort of cooled off FWB arrangements lately. That feeling that you've hurt someone because of feelings you were not aware they had.

FWB only 'works' when you're both on the same page and looking for the same thing.

When one of you hides your true feelings and settles for the arrangement when it is less than you want it just leads to hurt and devastation. You are setting yourself up to feel betrayed.

Because I was afraid he would turn me down otherwise.

This just breaks my heart. Please, don't settle for less. You are doing yourself a disservice.

My reasons for only being interested in casual has exactly ZERO to do with my lovers and everything to do with me. I am not yet unbroken. I am simply incapable of giving or receiving real romantic love at the moment.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5609 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
lieshurt
♀ Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 9:03 PM, December 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Whalers)))

I'm so sorry you are hurting hun.


Walk away from anything or anyone who takes away your joy. Life is too short to put up with fools.

Posts: 13807 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
completeshock
♀ Member
Member # 19334
Default  Posted: 9:40 PM, December 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Whalers)))

I get it. I've been there and it sucks. No real words of wisdom, just want you to know I've been there too.


Sometimes you have to forget what you want and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 1740 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: East Coast
TheAgonyOfIt
♀ Member
Member # 39114
Default  Posted: 9:46 PM, December 17th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not quite in S/D but i'm close. I can soooo see myself in your situation in the future and it scares me. I'm sure NB can be hard. FWB seems like a reasonable interim solution but it's deeply flawed. What can we do?

Sorry for your shattered heart!


Me BS 49, ExWS: narcissist! Jekyll Hyde. Left in secret early July, moved states. Now homeless but getting it together. Necessary but difficult(!) transition! Sad sad sad but hopeful.

Posts: 554 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: theagonyofit
Whalers11
♀ Member
Member # 27544
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the hugs. I'll always accept those.

I just feel so stupid... what did I think would happen? That things were be different this time and we could make it work despite vastly different life goals?

I wasn't really thinking, maybe. I think I let my urges and desire to feel loved/wanted drive me.

Sometimes, post D-Day, I have felt very hardened and like I can't feel anything. I hear sad stories, things that in the past would move me to tears, and I feel nothing. I can't empathize well anymore. I thought my ex broke me.

And then something like this happens and I am reminded I still do have feelings.


Me: BGF - 33
Together 11+ years - not married, no children.
D-Day: 2/9/2010
OC Born: 10/9/2010
Status: He chose OW/OC and left immediately.

Posts: 2259 | Registered: Feb 2010
Charity411
♀ Member
Member # 41033
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Whalers))))

I've been there. It's surprising how when you get lonely enough your heart completely overrides your brain. I went through a couple of bad relationships after my divorce. In hindsight, they were pretty much completely preventable. But hell. They were a warm body.

These things will make you wiser. Honest. It just doesn't feel like that now.


Posts: 387 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Illinois
LearningToRun
♀ Member
Member # 31353
Default  Posted: 1:59 PM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did the exact same thing, too. The exact same thing. We are in our late 40's he started going out with a young 30's.

It was casual, i knew it, i knew the rules but it hurt when it ended. Didn't shatter me, but it really hurt.

The next time i found someone wanting a girlfriend. Someone who will hold my hand in public. Its so much better and i am so glad i'm not with wasting time with FWB anymore.

In fact, i met ex-fwb at dinner and he was talking about how he is "so not in a serious R" with the girl he is obviously in a serious R with. THANK GAWD, that could have been me.

Doors have to shut on these guys to find something better.


Posts: 274 | Registered: Feb 2011
Topic Posts: 15

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