I can only echo again what everyone is telling you: she is reading from an incredibly cliched, selfish script: I need more time, I am confused, blame-shifting, marital rewrite, on and on. And on from my STBX. For over a year. And I waited, humiliated, as she "made up her mind." She never did. I finally came out of my fog when I realized she would NEVER actively "choose." Her inaction, as the others have said, is a choice. With consequences.
So I made up MY mind and filed for divorce. If she had her way, nothing would have changed: she would have her husband and her boyfriend. And all that I value--my integrity, my pride, my masculinity, my role-modeling for our children--would have died a final death.
Reality is now hitting her hard--the grass, it seems, is not greener (shock)--and she has made a pathetic attempt to "come back." I'm done. So should you be, Stanley. Don't put up with this abuse, please.
Wishing you strength and determination.
What about exactly?
In terms of R or remorse, you couldn't get much clearer in regards of what a truly remorseful person needs to do to even come close to repairing the incredible damage one has made by having sex with someone else.
There is only confusion if the pull towards her AP is strong enough. There is only pressure if her feelings are unresolved and she's not ready to commit fully to you.
You're getting your b*lls back, but the last push is truly the hardest. Being resolute enough not to take any blame shifting and setting down conditions which must be met absolutely. Is she willing to lose you? Then you must prove to her you can walk away if she isn't willing to fight for you.
Honey, I understand that for you to make a decision between him and me, you need time. A pressured, hurried, decision isn't right for you.
I too have to make a decision. And I know immediately that if my spouse continues to have an affair even one more day, I will divorce her. I have to for my own self-respect. it's unfortunate that you need more time, when in fact, I can't allow any more time. I sure wish you hadn't betrayed me and started to cheat. But once you did, I ran out of time for that. I will give you till tomorrow morning. Then you need to either begin packing your bags or stopping your cheating.
Again, I'm sorry that my need for a faithful wife requires that you don't have time to make a thoughtful choice between us.
and if that doesn't work, throw the cheating bitch out.
This will shock her. She will think about it then she will call you and want to talk. At that point you say, "I'm sorry, I've decided I really don't want to talk to an adulterer. I haven't decided if I want you anymore. As you know, these decisions shouldn't be pressured or rushed. I will think about things and let you know if I want to hear from you again."
Does this sound tough? Well... it's not as tough as cheating on someone.
She will not respect you until you respect yourself. When you finally decide to respect yourself, you will start to realize she really isn't all "that." KWIM? She's an adultress. She's not special at all.
She has proven she's not worth you. So don't rush into taking her back.
but first. But First! Stop the fucking cheating or throw her ass out. If you don't do that, you will have months perhaps years of hell.
Abbandondad knows what he's talking about.
I sure do, Stanley. And I assure you, I don't say this with arrogance: I say it with acute pain. Pain for myself, pain for my children, and now pain for you.
One of the best threads on SI is written by someone years out from D-day, entitled "What I would have done in hindsight" (or something like that). Read it.
After my D-day (November 12, 2012), my STBX literally fell to her knees (I had tracked her phone to her OM's) after I told her I wanted a divorce. She immediately texted the OM a NC message in front of me. Wrote me a letter blaming herself, only herself, assuring me that she would get help and spend every day for the rest of her life proving her commitment to me and our family.
So I backed off my threat of divorce.
Within two weeks she was back in contact with the OM.
What I should have done? I should have filed the next day. And gone through with it, as I am doing now. Doing so would have saved me almost a year of limbo hell, sheer hell, as she wavered back-and-forth between me and the OM. Several more times I threatened divorce, and each time she feigned remorse. Each time I bought it, and she knew I bought it.
She had lost all respect for me after I backed off the first time. In hindsight, I had lost all respect for myself.
Don't get me wrong, Stanley: I backed off not because I am a wimp. I backed off because this was my wife, the mother of my children, the love of my life for ten years. But that first instance of not following through with my declaration of divorce was a slippery slope. Whether she saw me as a wimp--consciously or not--doesn't matter. She saw me as someone who would put up with her emotional abuse. And I did. Until finally the pain became so unbearable I did what I should have done on November 12.
Just...Stanley, don't be me. I know you love her, and I know that this is SO HARD. Your head is locked in mortal, excruciating combat with your heart. You MUST listen to your head and act. Your heart is whispering falsehoods, and those falsehoods WILL cause your heart to shatter even further.
Gather your self-respect. Now. Do not wait, do not make excuses to yourself. She MUST know that you are serious. Against all your emotional longing, extricate yourself from her; make your decision, as she clearly has made hers.
Mine has been great about accepting blame, but one time mentioned she felt lonely. I ended up saying how that was no excuse, there are better ways to address loneliness. I certainly didn't force another man's dick into her.
Also, here is that thread about hindsight that was just mentioned:
[This message edited by Justgreatnews at 8:42 AM, January 5th (Sunday)]
Make the decision for her.
It really is not too hard. I know you two have history. I know she has a relationship with your kids.
But that must not mean too much to her to make the bad decisions she made.
So listen to the crew. Knock her off that fence.
Send her packing.
Have her served at work.
Contact her boss regarding both of them.
Inform the OM's wife.
Make those decisions.
Act like a man who respects himself.
I gurantee you that she will realize how little she respects you and just how little she respects herself.
So show her what respect looks like.
Give her consequences.
Share her the divorce papers. Then she can decide what to do with her mouth and vagina.
Be strong. Be fearless.
your WW still in any contact with her boyfriend? any at all?
"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson
Throughout your email, you basically tell her that your love is so great for her that you will take her back if she shows remorse. Reality is that you may not feel that way down the road when you totally defog and the intentional harm she has caused you fully sinks in.
She is not the woman you knew. In the grip of strong feelings of infatuation she is capable of being very cruel, as you have found out. Don't expect rational decisions from her until her feelings for the OM have dissipated. Very little you can do to control that.
At least now you have shifted her off that fence and as I said before the emotional and sexual connection with the OM is such that he is her first choice anyway; you are a distant second; a fall back option.
Until the affair is over and she is no longer infatuated with the OM you have no chance at reconciliation. She is overloaded with love hormones and no matter what you say and do she can only change herself. All you can do is move on and be non-hostile and friendly as you build a new life for yourself. If she comes round sometime in the future, then thats another decision; this time one you have control of.
How are you? Keep posting. We are all rooting for and are here to help!
I need to buy time to see how things are going to work out with the OP. He is still with his wife, and I need to see if he will commit to me and dump his wife. If he will commit to me and dump his wife, then I am going to dump you Stanley. But I need time to see how this will play out. Because if I dump you right now, and things don't work out with the OP, then I will have no one. So, I have keep you, Stanley, on the hook until things are settled.
This is an excellent summary of a WS stalling tactic. I've experienced it first hand. It took me 6 weeks to learn the truth and then I filed for divorce. It took Abb longer because she fucked with him and led him on a goose chase.
Good luck Stanley.