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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: New here...Unfortunately.
JustSoSad42
♀ Member
Member # 41711
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everybody. I never thought I would find myself in a place like this, but here I am. I am posting my story here, because reconciling is really the only choice my husband and I have, and I have a specific question I'll get to at the end that's been weighing on my mind today and I could use some advice!

I say that reconciling is the only choice we have because our only options are to be together and get through this because we love each other, or to get divorced and both be broke and miserable and without the loves of our lives.

Anyway. My husband is active duty military, and went to start a new job about 6 months ahead of me. I had to stay and sell our house, etc. etc. It was a cross country move, and for 6 months he was living in an apartment with a roommate (co-worker) and I was home with the kids wrapping things up. He went out every weekend with his friends from work, mostly just one day, sometimes two days. He is late 20's, life of the party, extremely attractive and depending on the mood you catch him in, if you're a woman in a bar who approaches him he will either be a little flirty or be a huge dick to you. I trusted him 100%, I know that he loves me and intended to be faithful to me. He rarely went out at home (only on special occasions for friends and such) and he was away by himself so I didn't expect him to sit at home and twiddle his thumbs. In hindsight, we both see that his acting like a single dude going out all the time was inappropriate and disrespectful to our marriage.

That said, I never worried because really you don't have sex with people at bars. And he never went anywhere with the intention of finding someone to hook up with.

However, he had been hanging out with a group of people he just met at the bar one night, and when it closed, they asked if he wanted to go with them to someone's house to keep hanging out, drinking, whatever. One girl who was part of that group had spoken to him some at the bar. Well, once things wound down at the house, he laid down on a couch to pass out and go home in the morning. This girl came over and started talking to him, came onto him, kissed him, took it farther, etc. He did not do anything to stop it. He said that immediately after he was distraught and hated himself, and made it really awkward for the homewrecking whore because she didn't expect him to be upset about it. They did not use protection because he had no reason to be carting around condoms, but he tells me he pulled out. We have both been tested for STDs since finding out.

This happened in August. He told me on November 20th. He did not want to tell me over the phone, so he waited until the kids and I made it out there. We moved in with him November 8th. My parents helped me move and stayed to visit a few days, so obviously he wasn't going to tell me with company. Then it took him a bit to work up the nerve. Anyway, I understand and am appreciative of the fact that he told me at the soonest opportunity he could find.

I know that he loves me, and is extremely remorseful. He has cried hard several times over this, and I have literally not ever seen him cry before in the 10 years we have been together (married for 5). He has acknowledged over and over that it was his weakness and stupid mistake, that our marriage was great and it was in no way at all my fault. He is doing everything he can to support me and help me heal. He has been nothing but an open book, giving me details I need even when it is painful for him.

We tried MC, and I don't really think it's for us. I tried IC as well and didn't see how it could be useful to me. I was basically looking for someone to tell me what to do to get over it, how to stop picturing it in my mind, how to move on, etc etc. But apparently there is no answer to those questions. That is what brought me here to see what other people do.

My specific question that is weighing heavily on me today is, should I try to contact the other woman and 1) confirm that she is not pregnant (I have pretty big fears about this!) and 2) ask her side of the story, to compare it to his. I feel like he is telling the truth about what happened, because I know him and I know that he would not actively pursue another woman. But at the same time, obviously my trust is shaken to the core and I kind of feel the need to fact check I guess.

What would you do?

(It would take a great deal of tracking down to get a hold of her, as he does not have her number, and was not actually friends with the people whose house he went to, he just met them at the bar...I am going to ask him today if he knows her last name. I'm sure there has to be a way to get in contact with her if we really wanted to.)

[This message edited by JustSoSad42 at 1:18 PM, December 18th (Wednesday)]


BS: 26, SAHM
WH: 29. Together 10yrs, married 6
3 kids 3 and under
DDay 11/21/13 Husband had ONS Aug. 2013 while living across the country temporarily for work.

Posts: 81 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States
lhhell
♀ Member
Member # 40332
Default  Posted: 1:20 PM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((JustSoSad42)))

I'm so sorry you find yourself here. Know that SI is a wonderful, supportive community full of very sage people.

I can't answer your questions on contacting the OW because my WH used escorts (really, what's the point about contacting an escort?). I will leave the advice on this point to others.

I just wanted to let you know you are not alone.


Me: BS
Him: WH
Dday: Jan 4, 2013

Posts: 52 | Registered: Aug 2013
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 1:21 PM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry youíre here. No one wants to even know this site exists, let alone need it.

First, your H is still very much in selfish mode. HE didnít want to tell you over the phone. HE didnít want to tell you when your parents were there. HE waited until you had uprooted yourself, moved across the country thinking everything was fine, and then waited until any support you would have besides him left. Heís portraying it as thinking of you, and how youíd want to be told. Itís really what was best for him. It had nothing to do with you.

Donít bother contacting some bar slut. If she were pregnant sheíd have already come crawling. Also, women that sleep with married men lie. She will either not tell you anything, make it seem more innocent than it was, or sheíll make more out of it because she wants to hurt you and thinks itís funny that youíre calling 4 months later. Sheís nothing, and sheís worthless. Trust us on that one.

Regarding the home he went to Ė he went with her. She didnít happen to also be there. He went there to have sex. Why would he go to virtual strangerís home and then just lay down to spend the night?

I know youíre going to think Iím wrong. I donít know your H. Heís different. This is different. Iím just bitter. Before you run, read a few posts from people. It is extremely common for a cheater to lie. Theyíll claim to do it because they didnít want to hurt you. They do it because theyíre afraid of the fallout. Your H did it for the same reason he waited to tell you Ė it suits him best.

There is a name for this Ė TT, or trickle truth. Itís when a wayward tells just enough to get by, and then later tells more, and then more, and then more. There is always more to the story. Always.


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just to be clear, I think 98% of here thought our spouses would never actively pursue someone outside of their marriage.

But to answer your specific question, I don't think it is your job to track her down. That would be his job to ensure his actions haven't resulted in another child. If you want to know if he is telling you the truth, have him take a polygraph. It's a good start. Affair partners lie and it can make it even harder to know what is really the truth.

Sorry you have to join our club.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6549 | Registered: Jan 2011
TheClimb
♀ Member
Member # 25895
Default  Posted: 1:49 PM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. Glad that your husband seems to be remorseful about his actions and that he confessed.

I can understand your desire to find the truth but caution you against contacting the OW. Most will lie and minimize. They can also cause so much more hurt to those of us who have been betrayed. She has already shown herself to be a low life, trashy bitch. I don't know that I would give her the satisfaction of knowing that you do not believe your husband.

In my case, I knew the whore. I called her and she acted all "important". She told me that her relationship with my husband was "special" and so much more than just sex. The cheap piece wasn't so uppity when I told her that I was still sleeping with my husband. She was shocked and then became afraid, begging me not to tell her children. I guess my point it that they have somehow told themselves that sleeping with a married man is ok and they will justify it any way they can. Much of the time, this will include making you feel even worse then you do now.


"That which can be destroyed by the truth should be" P.C. Hodgell

Posts: 467 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Southern Maryland
soconfusednow
♀ Member
Member # 40078
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He has cried hard several times over this, and I have literally not ever seen him cry before in the 10 years we have been together

Yeah, I saw that with mine too, didn't stop him from sleeping with her later though. I hope it's different for you.


D-Day January 2013
prior EA in the 90's
me 50
WH 52
NC-several
last broken NC 7/2013 (hopefully)
Married 29 years
2 kids
Want to believe it's over, but is it really? Will I ever trust again?

Posts: 317 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
RipsInMyChest
♀ Member
Member # 41166
Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow JSS! Our stories are remarkably similar! My H put himself in a situation where he was outside the appropriate boundaries of marriage and then fell into the OW's trap. Very few men can resist once hands are on them. Boundaries are needed in place WAY before there is any alone time with a person of the opposite sex.

My take is you absolutely do NOT contact OW. She is irrelevant. Her character makes her unworthy of your thoughts. She was just a momentary ego boost. Your H's ONS was a part of the bigger issue of your H selfishly seeking to have fun and live like he was single.

My take on his story is that is entirely possible that he is telling the truth. He didn't have to confess....it seems like you would never find out. That means he is remorseful. And I believe respectful of your right to know. I think when the WS knows they have wrecked a good marriage and destroyed something precious, it does take time to build up courage to confess. I would bet that for a while he thought he could just live with it and never tell you, vowing to himself that it would never happen again. When you were back living together, THEN the guilt of your love and affection probably started working on his conscious.

Not all WS minimize in their confession. My H actually said he "offered" to do a chore for the OW during his confession. From Dec 2012 until Aug 2013 I believed my H was a lying jerk because I KNOW him and he would never invite himself over to a woman's apartment unless there has been build up and he KNEW she was in to him. Which he always denied (and phone records confirm --no history). In August, during a massive argument he said " I know I should have said NO when she asked." I stopped dead in the conversation.... She ASKED him for help and he agreed to be nice (and because he had trouble saying NO even when it was approprite to do so)and to earn some knight in shining armor points!!! To me the intent is completely different. It means she pursued him, not the other way around. Yes he violated boundaries, made poor choices, and allowed it to happen. But he did NOT seek out or initiate. Anyway, he over- confessed and used wrong verbiage in his quest to completely OWN his culpability in the situation. Inadvertently giving me a completly different understanding of his motives and what really happened. The WS does not always TT or minimize...but it does happen more often than not.

(((JSS)))) If you would like more details or advice from me since our stories are so similar, just respond here and I can initiate a PM.


Me: BW 41
FWH 41
Together 21 yrs, M 18, 2 kids
DDay: 12/11/12 ONS with CW
Used condom, got chlamydia anyway.

His betrayal of me was not because I didn't shine brightly enough, but because he chose to put on blinders.


Posts: 261 | Registered: Oct 2013
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 3:29 PM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry you are here JSS.

I would NOT bother tracking her. This is not your responsibility. It is his.

The best advice I can give you (and I am one year out from D-Day), is to read. Read from SI's Healing Library, Read some solid books - ours was, "After the Affair" by Janis A Spring. Read.

Keep talking to him. Ask questions. It is never going to make sense to you. Again, I am one year out and while I get where his head was at, there has never been an, "Oh! Wow! Okay, thanks! I get it now." moment.

Also, MC addresses issues in your M. IC addresses individual behavior. Your H might want to consider going. Me and my H have been going - him since January, me since April or May. If he didn't go to IC he needed to leave our home. I needed a professional sounding board to help me sort through my thoughts and feelings.

A's are hard enough to get through with therapy. I honestly don't know how people do it without.

I hope he keeps showing remorseful behavior and does a lot of introspection from here on out. Again, we are one year out and it has been a long and windy road.

Good luck to you both.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2463 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
Oldernotwiser
♀ Member
Member # 36408
Default  Posted: 3:39 PM, December 18th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ow are pretty quick to make contact if they get pregnant, at least in my WH's case. Great timing too, on our anniversary


Me BS 54
WH 55
Married 34 years
2 grown sons
2 PA ? EA's didn't develop due to discovery

Posts: 85 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: midwest USA
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 10:01 AM, December 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry you are here JustSoSad42, but am glad you found this site. It is a safe place to visit with people who will support you.

You might start in the "Just Found Out" forum first. At 3 weeks in you are in the "Just Found Out" stage....I kind of got stuck there for like 2 months as I struggled to even accept the fact my wife had an affair....so I am slower than your average SI BS with regards to the stages. Most say 2-5 years total R time.

Some quick kernels of wisdom....

women that sleep with married men lie.

...need to be sure to add that married spouses who sleep with other people lie too. It takes two people actively lying and deceiving others to engage in adultery. If just one person is engaged in sex with another who is NOT consenting....that is called rape, not adultery or infidelity. Your husband was not raped, not taken advantage of....HE made choices that put him in a position to comitt adultery.

My wife was masterful at deception, trickle truthed to everyone "close" to her. The fact that your husband is picking and choosing what and when he shares it with you is most likely a throw-back to pre-A M issues of control. I see that in our relationship. Not saying they were malicious in intent...just that they dislike conflict so much that they will go through great lengths to avoid it. Including lying to themselves. Like you have already discovered, running to bars with his buddies is not a M-friendly activity. If he is drinking to excess...requiring him to sleep at strangers homes...I suspect he has some addictive traits to him that need addressed. What was he expecting would be a possible outcome of this choice?

My wife choose not to tell me about even meeting the OM....well before they kissed. Why did she choose to withhold that info? Decisions made before adultery is actually chosen play into a persons ability to committ adultery. You will find your husbands choices are NOT about the OM (not the size of her breasts or her willingness to do things you wouldnt do in bed) nor are they about YOU (you could not have loved him longer, had more sex with him, showed appreciation for him any greater than you did). Again, this was a real struggle for me to accept....even though I read 17 books on infidelity that spoke to this fact and had tens of people on this site telling me this over and over. It seems so illogical that you were NOT a factor in your husbands decisions of late.

But, sadly, adultery will very clearly and painfully show you just how much of a "non-issue" you were in your spouses life. It took me longer than most to grasp this horrible truth. Mercy on us all.

What type of friends does he hang out with that allowed him to drink to excess and then leave with strangers?

Just from your first post it is clear your husband avoids conflict. He may seem strong and confident (after all he is a soldier), but so did my wife. In fact, one of the things that attracted me to her was this "show of strength and independence". Adultery, if nothing else, shows just how weak a person can be....and how they can fool themselves with over-confidence right up until they are fucking a stranger. Sorry to be crass....but adultery IS crass.

Donít bother contacting some bar slut.

...watch where your anger goes. Affair Partners (AP) MAY be a sluts or she may be a wonderful SAHM (stay at home mom). People engaged in adultery are, as you will see via this site and watching the news, from every disposition. Presidents, rockstars, church leaders, fathers of 5, poor, rich....all are capable of fitting in the category of "adulterers". It is easy to blame "the other person". I placed my anger quickly onto my wifes AP, and slowly turned it where it belonged...onto my wife. It belongs there because my wife's AP never vowed anything to me...my WIFE did! No matter how seductive that woman was, your husband choose to actively ignore his vows to you and comitt adultery. Lack of HIS boundaries is what allowed her to enter where only YOU belonged.

I get that some weight can be given to the statement "Affairs start innocently"...I do. But that "innocent stage" is extremely short lived. Active choices take affairs into adultery pretty quickly. My wife was kissing her AP within 2 months of ever even meeting him. She knew what she was doing and was actively engaged in breaking vows....nothing innocent about that. Your husband knew what he was doing....and he choose to do it.

...it took me months to find my anger....and then it led to RAGE.

This is a roller coaster. You just got on, so I won't overload you with what it is like.....just know this is a safe place to come when the trauma seems to be overwhelming.

God be with you.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 10:32 AM, December 19th (Thursday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 4032 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Dare2Trust
♀ Member
Member # 21183
Default  Posted: 9:41 PM, December 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

JustSoSad42,

I suggest - you don't try to track down the OW...I doubt she's pregnant; or your WH (Wayward Husband) would have heard from her.

I also doubt if you've been given THE FULL STORY from your cheating husband. His "story" shifts the BLAME to the OW...

Well, once things wound down at the house, he laid down on a couch to pass out and go home in the morning. This girl came over and started talking to him, came onto him, kissed him, took it farther, etc. He did not do anything to stop it

Your WH had 4 months to tell you about this sexual encounter, ONS (One Night Stand)....YET, he waited until you moved across country; and he waited until your Support System (your parents) left before he "worked up the nerve" to confess???
I certainly don't consider this to be:
THE SOONEST OPPORTUNITY HE COULD FIND!

If you believe your WH's "story" - that's fine.
But it appears you don't believe him - OR; you wouldn't want to track down a woman he met in a bar and later had sexual intercourse with...to VERIFY his "story"....RIGHT?

I suggest: You and you WH try to find another Counselor who is a better "match" and give Marriage Counseling another try.

I also suggest - Your husband needs to seek Individual Counseling to address: WHY HE CHEATED IN THE FIRST PLACE. And drinking alcohol to excess is not a reason, or an excuse. Lots of people drink to excess, and they don't end up having SEX Intercourse with complete strangers.

Your WH needs to be 100% accountable for his actions/behaviors - and he must stop blaming the OW. HE made the CHOICE to engage in adulterous behaviors, and he must OWN that CHOICE.

THEN, he needs to get busy doing whatever you need him to do -- TO HELP YOU HEAL from this MESS HE'S MADE!

He did not make "a mistake"....He made A CHOICE!
It's a mistake to forget to take out the garbage. It is not "a mistake" to have sexual intercourse with a stranger woman you meet in a bar!

I'm wishing you and your husband the very best...But, your WH has lots of work to do. And, he can do it, if he wants to!


Me BS 59
WH 58
Married 19 years
D-Day Nov 3, 2005
Child: Adopted Daughter 21 College Student now

I can understand being alone; but I hate being with someone and feeling lonely.


Posts: 6136 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
jjsr
♀ Member
Member # 34353
Default  Posted: 9:53 PM, December 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Our stories are similar but I am much further out then you are. I am an military wife too. If you want you can read my profile.
First I want to tell you I am sorry you find yourself here.
I didn't notice you are not really into the MC and IC. I think, perhaps, you didn't give either enough of a chance. You want to know how you get over it and move on. You have to go thru the process, deal with the betrayal, feel the anger, sadness, disappointment and all the other feelings you are going to feel. You need to uncover all the reasons why and issues that may be in your marriage that has nothing to do with the infidelity. Of course keep posting here too.


Me: BS
Him: WS
Married since 1985
Parents to 2 adult sons and 3 of the cutest cats you have ever seen
D-day 8/6/11 Truth about ONS and 9/21/11 Truth about EA
Trying to reconcile

Posts: 1647 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: midwest now.
jo2love
♀ Moderator
Member # 31528
Red  Posted: 10:31 PM, December 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Reminder to all:

Please remember to follow the guidelines of Recon when posting.

There is to be no venting about or name calling the OP in this forum.

Thank you.


Posts: 35933 | Registered: Mar 2011
JustSoSad42
♀ Member
Member # 41711
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, December 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I came to this site looking for support in my attempt to repair my marriage with my husband. I don't really appreciate how many people are making assumptions based on my quick rundown of the situation and coming to the conclusion that my husband is a trickle truth-ing shitbag. If anyone had asked for more insight into certain decisions he made, I would have been glad to share it. He did not tell me while I was at my parents' house because they are not a good support system for me in a situation like this. I don't discuss marital problems with my parents, we are not a very emotionally open family together. He knows my family, and the situation I was in at the time. He made the decision to deal with the guilt so that I didn't have to add that to my plate while dealing with my batshit crazy mother, all her stupid animals in the house, and debilitating morning sickness and our two small kids. He did not keep it from me solely for selfish reasons. Same with not telling me while my parents were in town. It would have been awful for me having to put on a front in front of them that everything was fine, when inside I was dying. It was bad enough that I had to do that for a week two days after finding out when we went to visit his family for Thanksgiving. He also did admit that he was so ashamed of himself that it took him time to work up the courage to tell me about it. I don't see the problem with that.

As far as it being a mistake vs. choice, to me that is a matter of semantics. He has acknowledged that he made a huge mistake/that it was an extremely poor decision that he made with full consciousness. He is owning it 100%. He is doing everything he can to help heal the hurt he caused. I couldn't ask for him to be doing anything differently. It WAS a mistake. He was stupid and selfish. He did not stop it from happening, and he should have. And he owns that and apologizes for it multiple times a day every day. We discuss how he feels differently about our marriage now, steps he will take in future social situations to be more aware of his actions and whether they are appropriate and respectful of our marriage.

I didn't post in the reconciliation forum so people could plant seeds of doubt in my mind about my remorseful, ashamed husband. I posted here because I was hoping for support in healing our broken bond. I am really disappointed in some of the responses I've received. I am choosing to believe my husband's story because I know his personality, it is completely feasible to me, I have no reason to assume otherwise, and no way to confirm anything other than what he has told me. A ONS is pretty straightforward to me, so I am confident that I know all I need to know. He has willingly answered every question I've asked him, no matter how painful or embarrassing for him.

I am not sitting here trying to make excuses for him, but please don't try to "support" me by throwing my husband under the bus. He is already there, I don't need strangers who don't know us planting doubts about my husband in my head while I am trying to get past the most painful thing in my life with my marriage intact.

[This message edited by JustSoSad42 at 9:29 AM, December 20th (Friday)]


BS: 26, SAHM
WH: 29. Together 10yrs, married 6
3 kids 3 and under
DDay 11/21/13 Husband had ONS Aug. 2013 while living across the country temporarily for work.

Posts: 81 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States
wert
♂ Member
Member # 34478
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, December 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Diagnosing any problem from a far is difficult, you are right, you know your H and your situation best. This is a fee and open resource, IMO in you take what you want from it and leave the rest.

I do think that the reason many were questioning your H is, well, because he behaved like many other WS on this site. Overall, experience after reading many different stories suggests that there are often deeper problems with WS, which could led to them doing it again. That is not true across the board and may not be in your case.

I think mistake and choice is more than semantic. Mistakes are something that happen from time to time and normally do not involve intent. When my W cheated on me she chose to put that mans penis in her mouth. Just like you H intended to put his penis in this women. The question is why did he make that choice? I think its important that he figure out why that is. Mostly for himself. Did he need validation, etc? That is my two cent...take it or leave it.

We all have to write our own storied with this stuff. If you have your written already, H made a mistake and won't do it again, great. Honestly, I hope that works out for you. I just think that is not how it works in the majority of situations. Most of the time the WS needs some self exploration to figure out why they made that choice. It cool if you don't think that is needed...if that is the case move on...

The two questions you asked.

1) confirm that she is not pregnant (I have pretty big fears about this!)
- I would not. If she is knocked up she most likely will want to talk with daddy.

2) ask her side of the story, to compare it to his.
-This one is a little more difficult because you imply you don't fully believe you H. If that is true I would rethink my entire view of the situation and get a hold of her to find out. If you decide you believe your H, let sleeping dogs lie and have a nice life with him. If that is what you want.

I don't need strangers who don't know us planting doubts about my husband in my head

I have a feeling they are already there. How could they not be with such a shock. I know after my W's A I was like, "can I believe anything she says?" It's enough to drive one a little batty if they don't truly write a story for themselves that they own and fully believe...in any event make sure you are OK with whatever story you write about the A and your M.


In any event, I would explore all your feelings surrounding the A and your M and if needed seek professional help.

take care...

[This message edited by wert at 11:45 AM, December 20th (Friday)]



Posts: 1428 | Registered: Jan 2012
RipsInMyChest
♀ Member
Member # 41166
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, December 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

JSS, I sent you a PM. ((((JSS))))


Me: BW 41
FWH 41
Together 21 yrs, M 18, 2 kids
DDay: 12/11/12 ONS with CW
Used condom, got chlamydia anyway.

His betrayal of me was not because I didn't shine brightly enough, but because he chose to put on blinders.


Posts: 261 | Registered: Oct 2013
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, December 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Justsosad42

I am so sorry for your pain.

I understand your confusion with regards to getting help here, but realize the help is coming from people who have been there, done that.

Not all will fit, but much of this affair stuff is the same...for so many.

There are rare instances when a husband or wife makes a "mistake" and then feels horrible after, they fix it.

But that mistake shouldn't happen and it needs to be prevented going forward.

It's not because he was lonely, drunk, missing you, whatever. Those are excuses.

There is something at his core that allowed him to lower his boundaries to where he let himself go there...that is what I would suggest he look into.

I would not contact the ONS, she doesn't care about you or your family.

I wonder though, if you believe his story and are willing to fight for him with the folks on this board why do you need to verify it? It's something to think about.

Sometimes our gut whispers to us, we don't always listen, but sometimes it's enough to make us start to question and look for other possibilities and answers.

I am quoting an old post below for you, it addresses the feeling overwhelmed with the help everyone offers here.

Leave your defenses at the door, we all want to help and see you through this. And we all hope you have the whole story.

(((hugs)))

If I had come to SI right after dday I wouldn't have lasted long.
My husband and I were different. He had never cheated, he was an amazing husband for the then 20 years we had been married.

It was initially very easy for me to believe the little lies I told myself, to believe he hadn't gone through a transformation and become someone I didn't know...and couldn't trust.

The day after dday he lied, the OW lied, collectively they had their game plan if they got caught. I believed it, why wouldn't I? He was always honest, we were so happy and our life was near picture perfect.

I would have come to SI, told my story, inserted all the "yeah buts" where my husband was different, where we were not the same as the other 40,000 SI members. I probably would have said some smart-mouth parting message, closed my laptop and said a big FU to everyone who doesn't know me or my situation.

And I would have been wrong and missed out on all of the opportunities SI has afforded me.

I allowed myself to see the truth, the broken pieces in me, in him that made up my marriage and we went to work on it. It gave me relief to finally have a plan and a knowing that although it's broken now, if we do what we need to and face our issues we can fix it, we can get it back on track.


I know your pain, I feel it in the posts I read, I cringe when a member takes what someone says to be as hurtful, non-supportive or mean. I know the anger is more about hurt.

Recently there have been a few posts on not being supportive, or the wrong advice given.

If you feel that way at anytime, I understand. The BS has to take time to see what is really in front of them just like a WS has to see what they have done.

We all come to help and guide members, we all have a special story and we are all unique. Unfortunately most of our stories have similar backgrounds.

I was the puddle on the floor. I cried in the shower so nobody could see how weak and afraid I was to look into the dark places.

I didn't want anyone to tell me truths about my husband, how could they? How dare they?

They could because they were also married to my husband. The lies, the stories, the false hope and bullshit. They had all seen it before me, walked through these halls before I even arrived.

So now we stand in these same halls and we see your pain coming in through the door, we feel the pain in your posts, we know where you are coming from and usually can tell you what the next step will be.

Not because we are smarter, but because we have seen it, lived through it and have seen countless others do the same.

There is a wisdom here that you can't find in a book or on the street.We are all getting our Phd's in infidelity and the aftermath and have the ability to show others the way.

So when you want to believe it couldn't be, you want to know it's different, your story isn't normal, you want to be angry at us for saying what we believe to be truth, just know it's ok. We understand.

But also know, when the light shines through and you see a different truth, start to want different answers, find strength and live authentically we will still be here.

Not angry because you doubted us or had choice words thrown our way. We will be here to comfort you through the revelations, throw f bombs when the WS's don't get it and cheer you on when you need us.

Because right now, when there is nothing but pain and you are on the bathroom floor wishing, hoping for it to all go away...we are lying right beside you and we will help you get up, when you are ready.

And when you are ready, know that all the advice is given with the best intentions, but from the experience of the advisor. You take what you can use and leave the rest...someone else may be able to use it.

Peace



ďAnd the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossomĒ
AnaÔs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3846 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, December 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

JSS42....my reaction to my wifes adultery was similar to yours...and that is why I responded as I did. Your situation resonates with me.

I believed we were still "in this together". It took me 2 months to discover otherwise. I did not find this site until 4 months after my DD.

I post from my perspective....I have been there, done that. I allowed my self to be hurt more through my own choices. I was ignorant, but I still made choices.

I have posted and been active on this site for almost a year now....I can not recall a single couple whose WS had just made one mistake. There are some on here whose spouse had ONS's, but there has always been other serious boundary issues that traced back to a time long before sex took place......many times these issues pre-date the couple even meeting....all the way back to childhood.

I think at this time the "Just Found Out" forum is your best venue.

I occasionally get enough courage to read posts in there...but since my own experience when I was a "Just Found Out" BS was so unhealthy, so painfully filled with poor choices on my part....it is just too hard to read.

I WAS one of those spouses that initially stuck by my wife, felt like we had this! As if she was diagnosed with cancer....and we were preparing to fight it as a couple.

What I have learned is my particular M died when my wife chose adultery.

I wish you peace.

God be with us all.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 4032 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, December 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He did not tell me while I was at my parents' house because they are not a good support system for me in a situation like this. I don't discuss marital problems with my parents, we are not a very emotionally open family together. He knows my family, and the situation I was in at the time. He made the decision to deal with the guilt so that I didn't have to add that to my plate while dealing with my batshit crazy mother, all her stupid animals in the house, and debilitating morning sickness and our two small kids.

Gently.....this is the type of thing I did. I helped my wife justify her choices, trying to reason to myself that "yeah, she made a mistake...but look, we all make mistakes...see, this is why she did what she did. She didnt really mean to fuck him. Didnt really mean to break our vows so completely.".

You just took a stance to prove to us that your husband is noble.....he choosing to keep a secret from you as a BENEFIT to your marriage.

Using that same logic....my wife would be noble because she kept her affair a secret while going to MC with me so that she wouldn't hurt me any more. She would hurt herself by keeping her desires and choices a secret.

If this cycle repeats itself....and he has another woman give him a blow job...but keeps it from you, just handles the guilt so you don't get hurt.....is that going to be acceptable within your marital bounds?

I am sorry you are hurting. I feel compelled to try and minimize the hurt you are setting yourself up for.


What type of support network did he decide was good for you when he DID tell you?

Are you really okay with your husband deciding when the truth is good for you and when lying is the better option? He had 4 months to confess....are "good times to be honest" that rare for him?

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 11:50 AM, December 20th (Friday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 4032 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
JustSoSad42
♀ Member
Member # 41711
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, December 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If this cycle repeats itself....and he has another woman give him a blow job...but keeps it from you, just handles the guilt so you don't get hurt.....is that going to be acceptable within your marital bounds?

I am sorry you are hurting. I feel compelled to try and minimize the hurt you are setting yourself up for.


What type of support network did he decide was good for you when he DID tell you?

Are you really okay with your husband deciding when the truth is good for you and when lying is the better option? He had 4 months to confess....are "good times to be honest" that rare for him?

I understand what it "looks" like. I just don't really think that there is a whole lot to analyze about his decision to wait til I moved out here. I am happy that he told me when he did (if one can be happy about such things...). He didn't have to tell me at all. I would never have found out, and things would have stayed great. That alone gives me faith in his intent from here on out. I always thought that if something like this ever happened, I'd rather just not know. I think I even told him once a few years ago that if he ever cheated on me, I better not find out. But I appreciate the fact that he did not want to create a pattern of secrecy. He did not wait years to tell me, he waited until he felt like he COULD tell me. I don't think I would tell my husband something like this over the phone either, if I were in his shoes.

I'm really not trying to make excuses and make him seem like a stand-up guy who had a girl accidentally fall onto his boner. He knows what he did, and he owns it. But I don't feel like there needs to be so much focus on when he told me, because to me, that is totally a non-issue!

I appreciate your respectful reply, though.


BS: 26, SAHM
WH: 29. Together 10yrs, married 6
3 kids 3 and under
DDay 11/21/13 Husband had ONS Aug. 2013 while living across the country temporarily for work.

Posts: 81 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States
Topic Posts: 22
Pages: 1 · 2

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