Before the family blow-up, we'd all sat around and drew names. We spend up to $50 for whatever individual we draw. Gift cards are not allowed.
I drew one of the parental units. Lucky me.
Since the blow-up, I have been trying to be "nice" and "civil" and all that jazz but apparently I'm still a witch that doesn't love them. Whatever. Anyway.
So here we are. I've been struggling with what to do. Because any way I do it, I feel I'm shot in the foot. If I buy just for the person I drew, someone is going to get bent out of shape because I know the whole family is in turmoil and I didn't do at least a little something for the other people. If I buy something $50 per person, then I'm a suck up and trying to buy their affection. If I buy something small in the $10-15 range for each person, I'm just cheap. THEN I think, well dang it. They won't talk to me. They won't look at me. Why do I have to do anything at all!? Maybe I should send them a text that says we're opting out of the whole thing. But a week before Christmas? That would go over like a lead balloon.
Yes, I'm probably over thinking this. Like I said. I know I'm shot in the foot, whatever route I take.
Then, QS just informed me he'll be danged before we spend $50 on the person I drew. To be honest, I'm really struggling with that one too. It's a person who spends money like it's going out of style. Whether they have it or not. They drain the checking account dry, and overdraw it hundreds of dollars. They have tons of clothes, tons of tools, everything they could ever need and want. They have it.
So then I'm thinking, "Ok. I'm crafty. I'll make that person something they can hang in their special room." Cause ya know, I don't love them or whatever. But if I take 2 hours out of my life to MAKE something, it means it took thought, effort, and time. Which ultimately translates to love.
*sigh* I'm just in turmoil over this. Any suggestions? Can someone simplify this?
Oh as far as everything else holiday related, we're doing fabulously. Having fun making memories, doing holiday themed crafts, shopping, and just having a ball. QS, the kids, and I went looking at Christmas lights last night. Hit the jackpot with a drive thru thingy. Eight acres of awesomeness. And there was mistletoe at the end.
"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne
"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?
Curious - what's your crafty specialty?
As a notorious over-thinker myself, I do believe you are over-thinking this. Have a great holiday, Aubrie.
Married over 9 years, together for 18.
DD#1: 12/12/10 - LTA of 3 years, 2 mos.
DD#2: 02/02/11 - 2 EA/PA with coworkers, a month after the LTA was ended (by OW).
Curious - what's your crafty specialty?
I hope you have a great holiday as well!
Last year Tred and I made bird feeders from a cedar tree. We drilled holes near branches so the birds could sit & eat from them. We even added dowels if there was only a couple branches.
Then you make a jar of the peanut butter suet with instructions to make more and give that with the feeder.
Looks like this:
Guns don't kill people; Affairs kill people
Think of the haters in your life as sandpaper; they’ll scratch you up time and time again but in the end you’re polished, smooth, and spotless..while they end up useless
We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.
There are some great ideas down in F&G
The photo can be meaningless to you but if the parent is narcissistic they'd probably like a gift that focuses on them. LOL
"There would be no grand absolution, only forgiveness meted out in these precious sips. It would well up from his heart in spoonfuls, and he would feed it to me. And it would be enough."
No longer together
Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.
Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.
If it were me I would purchase an inexpensive knick-knack (I like knick-knacks!) that expresses your feelings about the season (not the person). Maybe a Christmas tree, angel, candle, plaque with inspiring words...etc. That way you can honor the spirit of giving and what the season means to you. It becomes an expression of your holiday spirit, no matter how they respond to it.
I don't have any suggestions about what to give to the other people. A lot depends on your family traditions and how you feel about the people now. Maybe the same kind of gift you give to the parental unit - something that would give you pleasure to chose and give. And again, not dependent on how they would respond.
Also, you still have the option of not participating. Even though you said you would, I consider it ok to break a promise to an abusive person, especially if it is necessary for your emotional health and that of your family.
Good luck with this. Really, anything you do will be just fine.
If the custom is to draw a name, then get a $50 gift for the person you drew, then do that.
I come from a family with similarly toxic parents (and trust me, I totally get the fear that is driving this.)
Changing old patterns is difficult.
But you know what? After the initial buzz (and that is a very real thing, the behind-the-back nonsense---and it HURTS...but let me tell you: it will happen no matter WHAT you do), it dies down.
Don't let what remains be the knowledge that you set down boundaries then trampled them yourself.
Give yourself the gift of Christmas the way YOU want it, Aubrie. Stick to your guns. It will pay off.
Follow the gift-exchange "rules." Don't change them to soothe yourself or others.
[This message edited by solus sto at 7:36 PM, December 18th (Wednesday)]
My sister and I have been talking about what to do for the FOO gift exchange. My BIL is so pissed, he told my sister that FOO don't even deserve a stupid box of chocolates and "There ain't no way you're buying anything for either of them!" She did end up making a very simple necklace/bracelet for Mother. (which she will never wear) BIL is not happy but so far, is allowing it.
So one daughter is sticking with "the rules" and buying a $50 gift. The other isn't. Not only that, but she is putting her gifts in a box and handing it to my brother to pass to Mother. This should be real interesting.
QS finally decided what we're doing on Christmas day. We're staying home. Just the four of us. Today I did my grocery shopping for the next 7 days and bought my first Christmas ham. And cried. This will be the first time I've ever baked one before. Mom used to always do the ham. Now I'm in charge of ours.
Here's to new traditions I guess.
I'm happy yet sad. Excited yet very stressed. Feels so weird.
*shrug* Carry on.
"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."