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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: How I found out
♀ Member
Member # 40317
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, December 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We had gone away for the weekend with the kids to get away for a few days. He was acting distant, on his phone all weekend on and off, etc. We were arguing a lot.

We came home and that night he said he wasn't happy, we were arguing and he didn't know if he loved me anymore. It was awful. I NEVER thought it was another woman. NO ONE would have thought my WS would do something like that. I begged, I pleaded. I said how can you leave our marriage without at least trying? We have two little children, how can you break up this family just because?

He stayed in the house, but said he was "not sure what he wanted". He wouldn't talk to me other than to say he wasn't happy and it was useless. We had an appointment with a marriage counselor the following week. He agreed to stay until then. A few days later, I was confiding in a co-worker and she said "are you sure there isn't another woman?" I was adamant he wouldn't do that. Nope. Not my WS.

I came home from work and WS was pacing. He said "you have to sit down, there is something I need to tell you". It was that moment I knew the next words were going to be "I've been having an affair". For about a minute it didn't really sink in, but then it did. kwim? The last year just jumped out at me and I knew. I knew WHO, I knew WHEN, I just knew. It was sickening. I've NEVER felt that alone in my life as I did in that moment.

DDay#2 I drove by her house with this inkling that he would be there. A friend had told me a few days before that that she heard he was going to her house during the day while he was supposed to be working. I even TOLD him I was told that. And he denied. I begged him for days to tell me the truth if there was more to the story. He denied. That day I just had a gut feeling if he *was* doing that, he was going to do it that day. Lo and behold, there was his truck. Right in her driveway. I parked and watched her house for a good half hour, waiting for him to leave. When he didn't, I thought "screw this" and drove right into her driveway and proceeded to kick her door until someone answered it. HE finally answered the door, looking like he was going to puke all over himself. It was that moment I knew that this wasn't what he wanted, SHE wasn't what he wanted. I just KNEW. Someone doesn't look scared out of their mind when they are doing something they want and believe in.

Me: BS
Him: WS
Married: 17 years
2 children
2 DDays

Posts: 246 | Registered: Aug 2013
♀ New Member
Member # 40694
Default  Posted: 1:04 PM, December 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I came across one of my H statuses on FB.

"It's 2 am and I can't sleep"

A female made a comment about it. "It's because you are not here..."

After reading this comment I got this gut feeling that there must be something going on. I kept my mouth shut and didn't say anything to my H.

I thought about this comment all day. I looked at other stuff he posted and sure enough there was always a response from this female.

So the next day I did approach him. I asked him flat out if he is seeing someone else. Of course he denied everything. He gave me this "just friends" story, but I didn't buy it. It took my all day up until late that night to get a confession....

wake me up when it's over...

Posts: 46 | Registered: Sep 2013
♀ Member
Member # 40317
Default  Posted: 1:15 PM, December 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow chipmunk. That's brazen to post on FB. My WS was FB friends with the MOW, but they were always very platonic and nothing out of the ordinary. I remember one in particular, though, a good year after the affair was well on its way she posted something about a charity event my WS was doing. She said something about "how much he should feel proud of himself. I know I'm proud of you" I remember thinking at the time that it was an odd way to state it, like a girlfriend, but I always thought she was a tad "off" anyway.

Little did I know!

Me: BS
Him: WS
Married: 17 years
2 children
2 DDays

Posts: 246 | Registered: Aug 2013
♀ Member
Member # 40931
Default  Posted: 1:36 PM, December 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I found out on accident too. I was looking through his phone history to see if I could find out what he was planning on getting for my birthday present. In his history, I saw a yahoo mail account. He hasn't had a yahoo account in the seven years we've been together. I thought it was odd so I clicked on it. Honestly, I thought it would just take me to my old yahoo account. Nope. It took me to the emails he had forgotten to delete between the OW and him. She was an ex of his, so at first I thought the emails must be old. Man, was I wrong.

I know thathe never would have told me or ended the A on his own, which is something else I struggle with trying to R.

Me: BS
Him: WH (iAmAMess0809)
Together: 7 years, married 5
Two children: 4yo, 1yo
DDay 4/30/13 EA, TT
Full disclosure of EA/PA 10/11/13

Posts: 67 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Midwest
♀ Member
Member # 34246
Default  Posted: 2:46 PM, December 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was away for the night taking our DD to college. He rang my cell phone as I sat in the hotel room, just to say 'hi'. After we hung up I put the phone down and burst into tears. He had never, ever bothered to call me before when I was away, and I just KNEW that he was calling me first so I didn't call him later while he was 'busy' with OW. I didn't know there was an OW, it was just in my gut.

Two days later, when I got home, there was a cialis pill missing from the bottle. I pushed 'redial' on the phone extension in his library and a number came up. That was how I first got her name.

And at that point they had been sleeping together for 16 years and had a child together. And I had no idea.

Posts: 68 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: USA
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Member # 41734
Default  Posted: 4:51 PM, December 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WS travels for her job. On one of her returns I thought I would unpack her suitcase, I pulled out several lingerie outfits and about 13 pairs of panties. I thought odd apparel to take on business trip. Asked her bout it and she said she wore it for hot flashes. Well she has hot flashes at home and I never saw her wear anything like that. Then about a month later I busted her on the phone at 1am. So next day I pulled phone records to check the number. Unfortunately for me I had to wait a few weeks for the next billing cycle. Well the day came and I found the same number over and over at the wee hours of the morning. I approached her about it, and she denied anything. Said just a friend with a listening ear. She said they didn't have sex, but I knew they did from the lingerie I found. I texted the OP and believe it or not came clean about the whole affair and admitted they had sex. I've been heartbroken every since. But we are going to try and work things out. Wish us luck!!

Posts: 4 | Registered: Dec 2013
♀ Member
Member # 26854
Default  Posted: 7:55 PM, December 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We all worked together. D-day she started a fight between us. I heard him tell her to lay off of me. It was the familiar way he spoke to her that I got that gut feeling. I remember my heart beating out of my chest. When she left for the day I got the phone records and it was obvious they were talking several times a day (neither texts or emails).
I waited until no one was around and asked him:
How long have you been having an affair with *****? It was just like in the movies. At first he said how do I know you are not having an affair and I just kept asking him questions. How long? Did you sleep with her? He admitted they had kissed. My world fell apart. Not only being cheated on but having a double betrayal? I could hardly move. I felt frozen in time.
My heart goes out to you all. No one could know what d-day feels like unless you lived through it.

DDay - 11/4/09
BS-49 DDay
fWS-46 DDay
EA/PA with childhood sweetheart/ kissed
R - 11/25/09
Life is not a dress rehearsal

Posts: 1460 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Northeast
♀ Member
Member # 39703
Default  Posted: 8:28 PM, December 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband was acting pretty distant from the kids and I (sound familiar?). After he basically blew off my 50th birthday, I decided to start taking better care of myself and went in for a check-up. When my new doctor realized I hadn't seen a doctor in six years, she ran a bunch of tests, including (unknown to me) an std panel. I was shocked to find out I had hpv. I'd never even heard of it before.

My husband denied anything had occurred (again, sound familiar?), and I started to believe him. Then two weeks later, I surprised him at his office to find a female coworker leaning into his body space. What really set off the bells was the look on his face - shock and guilt. I'll never forget that look as long as I live, when I knew he was lying, and he knew that I knew...

He still swears there wasn't a PA, and his emails, etc seem to suggest it was an EA in process, but he also admitted to trying to unsuccessfully have affairs for the last three years. Yeah, right, I'm thinking, but after an intense polygraph (he passed), and some great IC, I'm beginning ito believe that he has pretty severe FOO and/or personality disorder issues.

At this point, I don't know what to believe about whether he had a PA, but it also doesn't matter to me much: If my marriage doesn't survive, it's because of the way he's treated me since I first found out. Its been pretty awful - gaslighting, lying, diminishing...He's just now coming around, very slowly, but I don't thinkI have the patience for much more.

Me: BS - 50; Him: WH - 51, vulnerable NPD
married 19 years, maybe 20th soon?
DD1 4/22/13 (hpv diagnosis)
DD2 5/9/13 (gaslighting begins)
DD3 6/30/13 (admits EA)
DD4 7/7/13 admits "trying to date other women" for 3 years

Posts: 172 | Registered: Jun 2013
♀ Member
Member # 34543
Default  Posted: 2:45 AM, December 21st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's been a long time since my DDay. There is a bit of irony in it: although he had been cheating on me our entire relationship (20 years) I never suspected a thing until he started pursuing "Maggie." He seemed way too interested in Maggie. When he made her a pie for her birthday, I just started asking more and more questions until eventually he admitted to having several affairs (he had 4 girlfriends he was seeing when I caught on). The irony is, Maggie is the one woman I know of who did not succumb to his good looks and charm. I think I caught him because he was having to work so hard to try to get her interested.

We are divorced, and it has been a long and horrible journey, but I am so glad not to be living the lie anymore. I didn't always feel that way, because it is so desparately painful, but I am coming out the other side of this much stronger. I am finally beginning to see my ex for who he really is and I am so glad to have escaped from that. But I remember the pain. It is hard to read your posts because I know the anguish you are experiencing. All I can say is that I PROMISE you - it does get better.

D-Day Spring 2008
3 years false R
Divorce Final 6/7/12

Posts: 490 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: California
♀ Member
Member # 38134
Default  Posted: 4:14 AM, December 21st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dday was Jan 15, 2013. WH had sex with a prospective client who turned out to be a whore with an 'open legs policy. She seduced him while he was visiting at her house to discuss her insurance needs. Anyway, 7 weeks later, the whore called by husband at work to tell him that she has STD (trich) infection and that her doctor advised that she inform recent sexual partners. My WH did not plan to tell me but had to after knowing the possibility that my health could be in danger. Minimised the infidelity, lied and lied and I lost count of the times I caught him in several of his lies. I thought it was just an ONS. But my gut told me there was more that he wasn't telling. After a lot of digging and hacking and snooping, I found that he was in various dating sites talking to women, texting them using a hidden phone. He said he was lonely and I wasn't very "friendly" to him (idiot I know!!!) for a long time so he resorted to finding new "friends" in various dating sites. My idiot WH was not very creative with passwords and forgot that I have a very good memory. I've hacked into many of his online dating accounts because I remember the common passwords he had used for our emails and other online accounts. Dumb I know. I am an auditor so my auditing and investigative skills kicked in during this whole saga. I tell ya, this infidelity business has honed my hacking skills very well!

We are trying to reconcile but struggling a lot( mostly me). I struggle to trust him at all. I feel that I don't know him at all. He is remorseful (so he says) but time will tell if he's really changed. I'm hopeful but very cautious. One big reason I'm still hanging on is for the sake of my young daughter (9 year old).

The pain is still quite raw, and what he had done still makes me immensely sad. .... and mad!

[This message edited by Betrayed67 at 4:22 AM, December 21st (Saturday)]

Me-BW 46 yo;Him - WH 53 yo
Married 13years
One daughter together 9yo, 2 stepchildren(His from previous marriage)
Various DDdays (see my profile)
ONS and multiple "friendships" with women in various online dating sites

Posts: 131 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: New Zealand
♀ New Member
Member # 42031
Default  Posted: 9:03 AM, January 18th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[This message edited by PurpleLilac at 4:20 PM, February 21st (Friday)]


Posts: 37 | Registered: Jan 2014
♂ Member
Member # 41922
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, January 18th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Christmas eve. We are in bed, post-intimacy.(5 years in marriage). I was brimmed-over with love for her that I wanted to express, how fine she was, how I was the most fortunate man in the universe, how everyday my life was good because she lived..etc. But suddenly,I was aware of an uncanny silence and her face was pale and stiff.I stopped and said (I knew it was bad) "It's alright darling,what is it?"'I've had an affair." My universe had not yet been destroyed. "With who?"
Answer: "Your best friend." Then, the details, that night and many more over the next weeks, how long, when, where, what and some attempt at why.
So that was the night I died, no other way to put it.The entire edifice of my self was destroyed.I meant it and to some degree 15 years later, still do, when I said " I would have preferred the two of you to have killed me."
Rest of the story,"I" lived.At the deepest level, there was strength to go on. I emerged a stronger better person. Better? Yes,it made me much more responsive to others in pain.
There is no avoiding the unbelievable pain.But our lives are larger than the pain and our lived universe vastly of more scope than black basement of the betrayal. in brief..the worse gets better.

Posts: 183 | Registered: Jan 2014
♀ Member
Member # 42022
Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, January 18th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Try not to ever think, I wish I had not looked in that bag or I wish I he had lied. You don't want to live in a lie. It would only have gotten worse.

I'm a survivor, I'm gonna make it, I will survive, keep on surviving...

BS: me 42
WH: 48
2 kids
Married 18 years
D-day - 1/11/14
Filed - 1/16/14
Divorced 4/21/14
Walked in on WH and BF while her H watched

Posts: 209 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Colorado
♀ Member
Member # 40379
Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, January 18th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was home alone hoovering our bedroom and i fancied a jelly baby (we kept a stash of sweeties in his bedside cabinet we used to share after sex - we weren't supposed to eat them any other time). Found a phone. Nothing new there, we had a few old mobiles lying around. But something made me look. Texts clearly to a few escorts trying to get a booking two days before. When I thought back, he'd succeeded because I'd taken the kids out that afternoon and for the first time ever he'd asked me to text when we were coming home. I forgot and we beat him home by 10 mins. He'd dashed through, saying he needed to pee - quick wash more like. Again, I thought nothing of it then.

When I saw the phone, I went in to meltdown - screaming, shouting, kicking stuff (damaged washing machine). Pain like I'd never felt before.

I still rage - frustration being the main reason. Many things have been broken: but can be fixed or replaced. The trust, however cannot

I confronted. It was the only time he confessed straightaway, even then only TT, the only time he said sorry and the only time he offered comfort, or showed emotion other than anger. He is Mister EU SA.

And I'm almost done.

Me 44 (BS) Him 52 (SAWH)
DDay (too many to mention), but 1st 06/2011

The truth hurts, but nowhere near as much as the lies
"Sounds harsh, but she's my wife and I'm supposed to be there when she's having sex" Sal1995

Posts: 221 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: England
Topic Posts: 34
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