We came home and that night he said he wasn't happy, we were arguing and he didn't know if he loved me anymore. It was awful. I NEVER thought it was another woman. NO ONE would have thought my WS would do something like that. I begged, I pleaded. I said how can you leave our marriage without at least trying? We have two little children, how can you break up this family just because?
He stayed in the house, but said he was "not sure what he wanted". He wouldn't talk to me other than to say he wasn't happy and it was useless. We had an appointment with a marriage counselor the following week. He agreed to stay until then. A few days later, I was confiding in a co-worker and she said "are you sure there isn't another woman?" I was adamant he wouldn't do that. Nope. Not my WS.
I came home from work and WS was pacing. He said "you have to sit down, there is something I need to tell you". It was that moment I knew the next words were going to be "I've been having an affair". For about a minute it didn't really sink in, but then it did. kwim? The last year just jumped out at me and I knew. I knew WHO, I knew WHEN, I just knew. It was sickening. I've NEVER felt that alone in my life as I did in that moment.
DDay#2 I drove by her house with this inkling that he would be there. A friend had told me a few days before that that she heard he was going to her house during the day while he was supposed to be working. I even TOLD him I was told that. And he denied. I begged him for days to tell me the truth if there was more to the story. He denied. That day I just had a gut feeling if he *was* doing that, he was going to do it that day. Lo and behold, there was his truck. Right in her driveway. I parked and watched her house for a good half hour, waiting for him to leave. When he didn't, I thought "screw this" and drove right into her driveway and proceeded to kick her door until someone answered it. HE finally answered the door, looking like he was going to puke all over himself. It was that moment I knew that this wasn't what he wanted, SHE wasn't what he wanted. I just KNEW. Someone doesn't look scared out of their mind when they are doing something they want and believe in.
"It's 2 am and I can't sleep"
A female made a comment about it. "It's because you are not here..."
After reading this comment I got this gut feeling that there must be something going on. I kept my mouth shut and didn't say anything to my H.
I thought about this comment all day. I looked at other stuff he posted and sure enough there was always a response from this female.
So the next day I did approach him. I asked him flat out if he is seeing someone else. Of course he denied everything. He gave me this "just friends" story, but I didn't buy it. It took my all day up until late that night to get a confession....
Little did I know!
I know thathe never would have told me or ended the A on his own, which is something else I struggle with trying to R.
Two days later, when I got home, there was a cialis pill missing from the bottle. I pushed 'redial' on the phone extension in his library and a number came up. That was how I first got her name.
And at that point they had been sleeping together for 16 years and had a child together. And I had no idea.
My husband denied anything had occurred (again, sound familiar?), and I started to believe him. Then two weeks later, I surprised him at his office to find a female coworker leaning into his body space. What really set off the bells was the look on his face - shock and guilt. I'll never forget that look as long as I live, when I knew he was lying, and he knew that I knew...
He still swears there wasn't a PA, and his emails, etc seem to suggest it was an EA in process, but he also admitted to trying to unsuccessfully have affairs for the last three years. Yeah, right, I'm thinking, but after an intense polygraph (he passed), and some great IC, I'm beginning ito believe that he has pretty severe FOO and/or personality disorder issues.
At this point, I don't know what to believe about whether he had a PA, but it also doesn't matter to me much: If my marriage doesn't survive, it's because of the way he's treated me since I first found out. Its been pretty awful - gaslighting, lying, diminishing...He's just now coming around, very slowly, but I don't thinkI have the patience for much more.
We are divorced, and it has been a long and horrible journey, but I am so glad not to be living the lie anymore. I didn't always feel that way, because it is so desparately painful, but I am coming out the other side of this much stronger. I am finally beginning to see my ex for who he really is and I am so glad to have escaped from that. But I remember the pain. It is hard to read your posts because I know the anguish you are experiencing. All I can say is that I PROMISE you - it does get better.
We are trying to reconcile but struggling a lot( mostly me). I struggle to trust him at all. I feel that I don't know him at all. He is remorseful (so he says) but time will tell if he's really changed. I'm hopeful but very cautious. One big reason I'm still hanging on is for the sake of my young daughter (9 year old).
The pain is still quite raw, and what he had done still makes me immensely sad. .... and mad!
[This message edited by Betrayed67 at 4:22 AM, December 21st (Saturday)]
[This message edited by PurpleLilac at 4:20 PM, February 21st (Friday)]
BS: me 42
Married 18 years
D-day - 1/11/14
Filed - 1/16/14
Walked in on WH and BF while her H watched
When I saw the phone, I went in to meltdown - screaming, shouting, kicking stuff (damaged washing machine). Pain like I'd never felt before.
I still rage - frustration being the main reason. Many things have been broken: but can be fixed or replaced. The trust, however cannot
I confronted. It was the only time he confessed straightaway, even then only TT, the only time he said sorry and the only time he offered comfort, or showed emotion other than anger. He is Mister EU SA.
And I'm almost done.
You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think (A A Milne)