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Newest Member: confusedwife32 (44902)

Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: To grovel
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 5:37 PM, December 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Whew. It's a good thing we have Mods that keep all of us safe.

Is it hard to read? Yes. Is it harsh? Probably so. But its a stone cold reality. We as the WS made them feel that way.

*shrug* Carry on.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6221 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
stupidgurl
♀ Member
Member # 36763
Default  Posted: 6:00 PM, December 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I support SM's post, I don't think it is too harsh or venting, she answered the question and related it to her experience.

I'm a MH, and I was humiliated by my H's EA too, our friends saw me in tears, saw me uncomfortable, saw me being humiliated as my husband would flirt unabashedly with OW. They all saw him hanging out with her instead of me and our baby son. I think it was fair to want to publicly humiliate him too.

Your wife probably feels the same. To be cheated on is humiliating and the betrayed cannot help but feel like the messed up marriage is a reflection of her. So yes grovel, yes beg for forgiveness and cry, if the marriage is worth it to you then do it or don't do it and endure the consequences of being accused of not showing remorse and possibly losing your marriage. If helping my betrayed was as easy as getting on my knees and shedding tears then I would invest in some heavy duty pants and tissues.


me WW/BW-31
him BH/WH- 31

2002/3 (him) EA

PA(me)-Nov 2007

R


Posts: 131 | Registered: Sep 2012
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 6:29 PM, December 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for pointing out what you feel was unnecessary, sunnyrain. I am truly sorry it rubbed you the wrong way.

I was talking about my own humiliation from the situation as others in the thread were speaking about humiliation. I am blunt and I don't pretty my words up which can come across as harsh.

Thanks MissesJai, Aubrie and stupidgurl. ( < I hate calling you that! )



BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9639 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
heforgotme
♀ Member
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 10:22 PM, December 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey ND.

I sincerely doubt that your BS meant for you to literally grovel. As in the dictionary definition.

I think she must just be looking for a sign of how much you want her and to be with her. Which I will tell you, is sooooo hard to believe after DDay.

We talk about "actions" on here all the time. And basically it was actions that convinced us that we were not important.

So now, she is looking for signs that she is. And given that she's been convinced that she isn't (by actions), it's a pretty hard row to hoe.

So, the important thing is to convince her, to use every opportunity to show her, that she is important to you. The MOST important thing to you. And to do whatever you need to do to facilitate that.

If somebody wants to call it "groveling", fine. Who cares. From the tone of your post, I think that anything that makes her feel better will make you feel better.

So. Who cares what you call it. Do what you know you need to do.

Good luck.


D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1081 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
Daisy1967
♀ Member
Member # 41627
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, December 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn't take SM's comments as bad at all. Of course being cheated on would be humiliating.

But I will not beg anyone and get on my knees and grovel. My husband told my children I was a whore and screamed it to the neighborhood and told everyone we knew too.

I think that was humiliation enough.


Posts: 70 | Registered: Dec 2013
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, December 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Daisy1967))) Yeah, that sounds pretty humiliating.

No one knows about my FWH's infidelity. Except, of course, his BFF who helped him cheat and OW and some of her friends, SI and a radio station talk host and everyone listening to the program, but it was anonymous, except radio talk host knows me.

I wouldn't want FWH to get on his knees now and beg me to stay with him and for forgiveness. It has been almost 4 years since d-day and it would be pointless now. However, if he had done it right away on d-day or the days shortly after, I feel that would have been satisfying to me. *shrug*

I am not suggesting any WS's must do this. I didn't make that a condition of reconciliation. Actions are better than words and symbolic gestures to me.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9639 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Notdaniel
♂ New Member
Member # 41302
Default  Posted: 3:31 PM, December 21st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you to everyone and I didn't put a stop sign up because I needed insight from everyone. I did not find any response as harmful or hurtful.

Her exact words were to grovel and beg and I have asked what she means. She hasn't answered. There is a lot of anger still. She wants me to show remorse and our MC indicated that even though I had shown it I had to continue to show it. I am remorseful. It is in my being. It is something that has to be done consistently but when she said grovel I was like..whoa..

I think everyone hit it on the head that she wants to feel like i have feelings and I do show it. I just have to do more and think about how to make her feel special.

Yesterday she hit the anger hard with throwing things which she needed to do. She feels that the entire marriage and vows were a lie and I understand why she would feel that way.

What makes things a little harder for me is that speaking her love language, which is service, isn't hard but because I did it before when I do it now she thinks I am trying to make up for what I've done.

I have done the specific apology. I have admitted that it wasn't a "mistake" but a decision. I explained what led to the decisions. We have lists of expectations and I am going through all of them. It is a long process. I can only Pray she still wants to R.

Thank you all for your opinion.


WH-that's me (37)
Super amazing wife (39)

1 child


Posts: 32 | Registered: Nov 2013
silverhopes
♀ Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How are you guys doing with the holidays? It could be that they are especially triggery. I also notice from your profile that a child is on the way - your wife's or the OW's? If it's OW's, this time will be especially painful for your BW. She might feel like this is the last holiday season ever where she will be the only "mother to your child."

I have done the specific apology. I have admitted that it wasn't a "mistake" but a decision. I explained what led to the decisions. We have lists of expectations and I am going through all of them. It is a long process. I can only Pray she still wants to R.

Keep going. It will be something you will need to go through together over and over again as you rebuild. What are some things you are doing to work on yourself? What goals do you have, what things are you wanting to change within yourself?


Find peace. Or sleep on it.
Sometimes my monkeys, sometimes my circus.
Infidelities are like icebergs - they may take many different shapes and sizes, but they all damage your ship.

Posts: 3905 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
Notdaniel
♂ New Member
Member # 41302
Default  Posted: 11:30 PM, December 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How are you guys doing with the holidays? It could be that they are especially triggery. I also notice from your profile that a child is on the way - your wife's or the OW's? If it's OW's, this time will be especially painful for your BW. She might feel like this is the last holiday season ever where she will be the only "mother to your child."

About a week ago my wife exploded with anger and threw things and threw all the cards and wedding things away. That was a low and since we have been going slow and rebuilding.

The child is the OW and my wife has been very graceful when it comes to the child part as we could no longer have children plus she sees the child as innocent which is true.

Slow is the pace right now


WH-that's me (37)
Super amazing wife (39)

1 child


Posts: 32 | Registered: Nov 2013
silverhopes
♀ Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 9:04 PM, December 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

About a week ago my wife exploded with anger and threw things and threw all the cards and wedding things away. That was a low and since we have been going slow and rebuilding.

What was on her mind at the time? Was there a trigger? What specifically was she mourning?

The child is the OW and my wife has been very graceful when it comes to the child part as we could no longer have children plus she sees the child as innocent which is true.

Have you two made a decision on how involved you both will be with the OC? When is the baby due, and will you be getting a paternity test? What struggles do you foresee coming up, and how will you face them as a team?


Find peace. Or sleep on it.
Sometimes my monkeys, sometimes my circus.
Infidelities are like icebergs - they may take many different shapes and sizes, but they all damage your ship.

Posts: 3905 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
Kalliopeia
♀ Member
Member # 35053
Default  Posted: 10:02 PM, December 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OP, you said she has a lot of anger.. well she is on a rollercoaster of it. Those feelings, no matter how hard you try to control them so you can get through another day.. well there comes a point of frustration where you want the person who hurt you to feel the same shame and humiliation of begging. Even if your BW was not openly begging you, in her heart she begged you a lot to please stop, to please take it all back, please make it never happened, please take the memories of how it felt to be so helpless.

You get my meaning. She is lashing out at you. I am pretty sure what you need to do is be steady for her. Stay. Be kind in the face of her lashing out at you or pushing you away. Don't leave. Say you are sorry. Just let her know.

Humble pie tastes pretty bad :( but it's not all bad medicine.

And to the poster who complained her husband called her names and told the neighbors what she did.. was he supposed to keep your secret? I don't think so.


Posts: 478 | Registered: Mar 2012
heartache101
♀ Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 8:18 AM, December 31st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh my. Sister honey you was not out of line.
NotDaniel your wife needs you to show her daily you choose her. Daily for the rest of your life. You can figure out the how. I believe the wayward needs to realize that you are now having to work really work hard on the current marriage while having to deal with their internal drama and challenges. You have a long hard road and I wish you luck. Being a BS is horrid but I believe being a remorseful wayward is a harder road. But together you can make it


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3187 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
scared&stronger
♀ Member
Member # 15942
Default  Posted: 7:37 PM, January 1st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your wife should know when you look in her eyes and by the sound of your voice and actions that you are sincere and full of remorse and ready to mend your broken marriage

^^^^^^^If only that were true. There are many of us who had our WS look us in the face, in our eyes, with tears in their eyes and pleading voice and our right lie. BS get lied to so much they can't even trust their own judgment so I see how someone might see a person who is lying on the floor with arms wrapped around their legs as a possible sign of sincerity.


WS 45
BS 43

Met when we were 17 and 15. Together since 1983, married since 1985. Two kids, B21, G15.

d-day 4-3-07

Life has a way of making us get our panties in a wad.....I refuse to wear panties ever again.


Posts: 3969 | Registered: Aug 2007
Topic Posts: 33
Pages: 1 · 2

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