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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Lets pledge, stop beating ourselves up
BrokenRoad
♀ Member
Member # 15334
Exclaimation  Posted: 1:11 PM, December 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you are like me, even long after reconciliation has been accomplished through much work on myself.... Ican still feel like just an awful person.

A couple of things lately that really had me feeling down - yes to the point I would say I was mildly depressed about them -- have been brought to a new perspective.

It turns out, my skewed thinking once again bit me in the behind and I was wrong, but in a good way. I was being too hard on myself, despite the lack of evidence that I was a monster.

The way people in my life felt about me was much better than I realized.

With those two major stones off my back, I realized that I have a chance this January to rethink my own views about myself, as the new year begins.

See, I don't have to BE a monster anymore. Because I'm not. I've changed. And beating myself up just because I'm good at it, is not a reason to continue.

I know it won't be easy, but I am pledging now to try to live my life as I truly am, rather than letting the guilt crush me, in 2014. I will continue to work on myself, but I will not go backwards and continue to feel bad about what I've already fixed.

I can't be the only one, so I am sharing.
Come with me.


{Him}FBH - 43 (WifeHad5)
{Me} FWW - 43
2 kids 7 & 12
Reconciled :)
Beauty and folly are old companions.--Benjamin Franklin

Posts: 10596 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Midwest
SurprisinglyOkay
♀ Member
Member # 36684
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, December 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you!

I was feeling down yesterday about the hell I've put us through.
My bs was the one to comfort me, and tell me how much I've changed.... made me feel better and worse at the same time

my skewed thinking
Boy can I relate to THAT!

I know that I've come a long way, still have a long way to go. But I don't consider myself a monster anymore.


FWS me 36 (recovering addict)
BS him 39 AFrayedKnot
Together 7 years
2 children


"Your secrets keep you sick"


Posts: 1130 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: 221B
gahurts
♂ Member
Member # 33699
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, December 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can so relate to your post.

In seeking forgiveness there comes a time when we must be willing to forgive ourselves.

It can be one of the hardest things we do but is also one of the most necessary.

Wishing you peace in 2014.


"Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indominable will" - Mahatma Gandi

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - Aubrie


Posts: 3333 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Georgia
MissesJai
♀ Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 1:33 PM, December 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I LOVE THIS!!!! thank you soooooooooo much, BR. We all need that nudge from time to time.


FWW - 40
I'm big on personal responsibility. Own your shit. ALL OF IT.

Posts: 5767 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
bbf2013
♂ New Member
Member # 41551
Default  Posted: 5:37 PM, December 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I recently decided to stop calling myself an awful person and beating myself up. First of all I was afraid my wife would start believing me. Mostly I just realized that I needed to accept that the bad is part of a big picture that includes a lot of good and that I never would have done what I did if I understood the pain it would cause to innocent people. I still don't know if I can forgive myself, though. I don't really understand forgiveness anyway.

Posts: 5 | Registered: Dec 2013
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 5:44 PM, December 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A couple of things lately that really had me feeling down - yes to the point I would say I was mildly depressed about them
Didja see me in your crystal ball or somethin'?

I am my own worst critic. I never cut myself slack. My best is never enough. That's a monumental burden to carry. It is incredibly freeing when I start to put it down. I think fear makes me pick it up again. Gotta keep reminding myself to keep setting it back down.

Thanks for this post BR.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6064 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
Tesseract
♂ Member
Member # 39624
Default  Posted: 9:53 PM, December 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Something that my wife has said to me repeatedly over the course of our marriage is that I need to judge my actions by the reactions I get from other people. It's something I've struggled with rather mightily. I find it easy as breathing to get wrapped up in my own thoughts and conceptions of how to define reality, including my own self worth. It's a two edged sword at best, and I'm just as (probably more) likely to think too well of my efforts as I am to think poorly of them. Regardless, the problem is the same, meting out value before adequate analysis.

Not parsing the affects of your actions just ignores a massive amount of information, and leads to my own version of "skewed thinking." Makes me feel confused and insecure and frankly, terrified, when it's pointed out to me that there is this huge hulking mass of information that I seem incapable of turning my head to look at.

And that information really is a gift from those who care for me. I don't know that I've advanced far enough to give myself that much credit, but I do believe that I can acknowledge the feedback that my loved ones are giving me and express my gratitude for it.


Posts: 55 | Registered: Jun 2013
cinnamongurl
♀ Member
Member # 37879
Default  Posted: 10:20 PM, December 19th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks BRH! Been particularly hard on myself this past week. I've been getting down on myself for feeling blue. Not realizing that just the simple fact that FEELING those feelings is enormous growth.

I really needed this post! It helped me get out of my head and break the downward spiral!


Me: 36 fWGF He: 35 BBF and my heart
Together 17 yrs. "You were sick, but now you're well again, and there's work to do."
Kurt Vonnegut



Posts: 502 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: home with my heart.
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 8:59 AM, December 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This isn't even just a wayward thing...this...
I am my own worst critic. I never cut myself slack. My best is never enough. That's a monumental burden to carry.
...could've been written by me. I gotta stop beating myself up as well.


"The thing that always seems to be shocking to wayward wives is the simple fact that the man you choose to reconcile with is not the same man you cheated on." - a friend.

Posts: 1957 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 11:18 AM, December 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fantastic post, BR.

(((BrokenRoad)))


We are what we repeatedly do, excellence, then is not an act but a habit. - Aristotle

Posts: 16442 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
thecaves
♂ Member
Member # 38062
Default  Posted: 12:08 PM, December 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, I am right there with all of you on this. I thought that maybe I was getting better at this about 6 months ago but lately it's gotten worse. What I need is more than a pledge.. I need a swift kick in the ass to make me actually stop being so self-critical.

Good luck to all of us. God knows I need it.


Me: WH
Her: BW
Kids: Yes
Married: 20+
D-Day: 12/2012

What defines us is how well we rise after falling.


Posts: 173 | Registered: Jan 2013
Fallen
♀ Member
Member # 4313
Default  Posted: 7:14 PM, December 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi BR!!!!!!

Yes, honey, it's about time you put down that burden of guilt and not-good-enough-ness. *links arms with BR* You have done the work, you have changed, are good enough now, you were ALWAYS good enough. So even though you're just now voicing it, don't let another day be lost to old pain.

So glad to see you!


You can't heal what you won't feel.

"There would be no grand absolution, only forgiveness meted out in these precious sips. It would well up from his heart in spoonfuls, and he would feed it to me. And it would be enough."


Posts: 23477 | Registered: May 2004
SandAway
♀ Member
Member # 37775
Default  Posted: 7:32 AM, December 21st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I dunno...

I think it is much easier to say and do when your 6+ years out. I am just over 2 and I know I cannot take this pledge yet.

The guilt just isn't ready to go...


fWW
BH Tred
M 16yrs
DDay Nov. 2011

Guns don't kill people; Affairs kill people


Posts: 431 | Registered: Dec 2012
knightsbff
♀ Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 11:13 AM, December 21st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for posting this. It's good for me to think about and work toward. I'm just not there yet either.

I think this is very significant for all of us though.


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

Posts: 1392 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
BrokenRoad
♀ Member
Member # 15334
Default  Posted: 10:03 AM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For those of you not ready to forgive yourself yet, it's ok. It's a phase we all go through, if truly remorseful and not just regretful.

My advice is put it on a shelf for later. Know that one day you will get your arms around this and be able to look at it as PAST BEHAVIOR.

Freedom is out there and waiting.

Fallen and Jrazz, you made me cry.


{Him}FBH - 43 (WifeHad5)
{Me} FWW - 43
2 kids 7 & 12
Reconciled :)
Beauty and folly are old companions.--Benjamin Franklin

Posts: 10596 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Midwest
Kap12
♀ Member
Member # 41759
Default  Posted: 8:42 PM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can so relate. I have days that I just want to shout it the I had a EA/PA. Then there are other days I don't want to tell/talk to anyone. I am not perfect and I am still working through all these feelings but if people only knew how we truly feel and although I might deserve it, doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. I think I beat myself up more than my BS does. If I only could go back in time.

Posts: 61 | Registered: Dec 2013
Topic Posts: 16

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