So WSO came back to me in October and he seemed so remorseful and sincere. He must have caught me at a weak moment because I thought he meant it and fell for it....AGAIN.
It's been a trying couple months attempting to work through R, and now I know why! He had been a little short with me over the course of the past few weeks, which was a red flag to me, but I didn't have anything to go by, so I kept quiet.
Recently I had a long-time guy friend stay at my house, but out of consideration for WSO, I told him, and I also stayed at my BFF's house for the night that friend was here. I thought that was the considerate thing to do, but it caused a lot of problems, and I was made to feel horrible. I see that I should have just told my friend not to visit or stay elsewhere in hindsight (if R was real, but since it's not, it doesn't matter) and he made me feel like I was up to no good. I pleaded my case over and over and even showed him proof of where I was. I even told WSO in advance about my friend staying here. All he had to say at the time was, "I am not comfortable with that," and I would have made different arrangements, but he didn't. Therefore, I thought he was okay with the arrangements.
So after the fact, we fight for a week over it, and I decide to give up my long-time friendship because I had decided that my relationship was more important to me. Alas, it was still not enough, and he told me he wanted space. I couldn't understand why things were as bad as they were, especially if I had already made sincere efforts to show that I was truly sorry, and I had made changes to the situation so that problems concerning any of my friends -- mainly guy friends -- would never arise again.
I didn't bring it up at the time, but I got the feeling that he was blameshifting and gaslighting, and I kept it to myself. Today, I got a hunch, followed it, and saw that AP is at his house. I didn't even confront. Didn't have to. Didn't want to relive the events of last year -- 12/23/2012, my last DDay.
I am just so relieved now that I did see her there, so that I know that I haven't been crazy all along.
Now I am just so angry that he made me feel like I was possibly lying and cheating and had me groveling for his forgiveness. I am more humiliated than I was a year ago...
Well, at least I'm not crazy...
[This message edited by happenedtome at 3:35 AM, December 20th (Friday)]
I don't know if I'm in shock again, or I don't know what I'm feeling other than anger and humiliation.
I fought my BFF nail and tooth about R when I first told her my decision to do so. My BFF and I were not on very good terms for about a month because of this. We had stopped talking, which sucked because we usually talk/text several times throughout the day. She finally accepted and respected my decision and was even starting to support it. I don't even want to tell her now, and it's not even because I have too much pride, but because I just don't have the stomach to inform her.
It really sucks regardless, but I was really hoping to take Christmas back this year from the grinch(es) that stole it last year. I guess I still have time to take it back. It's just going to be that much harder...
My BFF will always be supportive of me, regardless of what I do. Unless, of course, it involves hurting others.
At this point though, I just don't feel like talking to anyone, especially not about WSO. I guess this is the only place I really feel like even talking about it.
Thank you for listening.
But seriously, you can now move on knowing that you've done all you can to save the relationship. Lick your wounds and lie low maybe for a bit, but then claim your power and get out of this toxic relationship. He sounds like a master manipulator.
I'm so sorry. ((((NoReGrets)))
I have already sent a NC email. I hope he can respect that, but wtf does he know about respect, right? It's almost comical because during this past week of fights about my friend, he went on and on about how I was not considerate of him and how badly I had disrespected him. What a f'n joke...
Here is my NC email:
Silly me. Foolish me. Why I thought you were anything other than what I know you to be, what you've proved yourself to be, I will never understand. Silly me to think that anything you tell me could hold any value or truth. How foolish of me to think that we could even begin to start anew and reestablish any type of friendship and even miraculously, with even a scintilla of a possibility that we could rekindle anything more than that. I suppose that is the "positive" flaw inherent and so ingrained in me, which you so "admire" that you not only take for granted, but also of which you take advantage.
Silly me. Foolish me, the fiddle which you have become so adept at playing and manipulating -- once again, I am nothing more than a mere past-time to fuel your narcissistic sense of self-worth, your egotistical need to be "wanted." How childish of me to believe that you could have ever respected, loved, and cherished me.
Silly me. Foolish me. I am most regretful that I even opened the door to communicating with you, yet again. I regret it more than the day I met you, more than all the other umpteen chances I gave you to prove your word, your character, your integrity; and sadly enough, I regret it even more than loving you. How silly -- how foolish of me to think that you could no longer hurt me any more than you already have. Once again, you have proved me wrong.
You have told me that I should let you know if I wish for communication between us to cease. It is at this moment that I ask you to never contact me again. I ask you to stop using the love that I have and always will have for a person who very possibly never existed against me and allow me to preserve whatever little faith in humanity I have left.
Silly me-Foolish me.
At least I know. Thank God I found out only 2 months in and not 2 years later.
And thank you, everyone, for your support.
I feel like smacking MYSELF upside the head for not realizing that his current mistrust had more to do with projection.
You are so compassionate and strong. I'm so sorry for all of this. Hold your head high - there's nothing wrong with trying to work things out. Now you know what you're dealing with, and you can really and truly move on.
For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning. - T.S. Eliot
You will survive this, and be smarter, braver, and more confident because of it. I know it's tough to believe now, but it really is true.
You know you did all you could, you know your aren't crazy, and you know what a master manipulator is, and how they work now. Which means you will learn from this and stay far far away from it in the future.
He has shown you who he really is, you don't need any further hurts from him, by deed or word. Spare yourself and do not try to explain why you ending it. You don't need an argument, denials, accusations YOU did something first as to why he saw her, etc. You don't need to get on that ride.
[This message edited by momentintime at 11:51 AM, December 20th (Friday)]
"Global editing disclaimer - I edit almost everything I post, and I am not going to post why every time."...re: Bionical girl
This past year and the continuous support from SI has helped me build strength, character, and resolve. I know I will survive this and be okay. I will always be okay.
Jrazz, don't feel bad about not seeing the signs. We all want to be optimistic and hopeful that things are not what they seem sometimes, especially in the R forum.
My stomach is in knots, and my body is shaking, but I have not yet shed a tear. Is there something wrong with me?
Be gentle with yourself. You know the drill - self care, focus on sleep, food, and water. Move your body to get the endorphins flowing and your mind clear.
We're here. We've got you.
"Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in." -Cohen
I'm just staring blankly at my computer screen and at the wall. Other than w.t.f., I don't even know what to think or feel.
What do I do now...