SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So I thought I had a remorseful WSO. WRONG. False R again. JFO AGAIN!!

So WSO came back to me in October and he seemed so remorseful and sincere. He must have caught me at a weak moment because I thought he meant it and fell for it....AGAIN.

It's been a trying couple months attempting to work through R, and now I know why! He had been a little short with me over the course of the past few weeks, which was a red flag to me, but I didn't have anything to go by, so I kept quiet.

Recently I had a long-time guy friend stay at my house, but out of consideration for WSO, I told him, and I also stayed at my BFF's house for the night that friend was here. I thought that was the considerate thing to do, but it caused a lot of problems, and I was made to feel horrible. I see that I should have just told my friend not to visit or stay elsewhere in hindsight (if R was real, but since it's not, it doesn't matter) and he made me feel like I was up to no good. I pleaded my case over and over and even showed him proof of where I was. I even told WSO in advance about my friend staying here. All he had to say at the time was, "I am not comfortable with that," and I would have made different arrangements, but he didn't. Therefore, I thought he was okay with the arrangements.

So after the fact, we fight for a week over it, and I decide to give up my long-time friendship because I had decided that my relationship was more important to me. Alas, it was still not enough, and he told me he wanted space. I couldn't understand why things were as bad as they were, especially if I had already made sincere efforts to show that I was truly sorry, and I had made changes to the situation so that problems concerning any of my friends -- mainly guy friends -- would never arise again.

I didn't bring it up at the time, but I got the feeling that he was blameshifting and gaslighting, and I kept it to myself. Today, I got a hunch, followed it, and saw that AP is at his house. I didn't even confront. Didn't have to. Didn't want to relive the events of last year -- 12/23/2012, my last DDay.

I am just so relieved now that I did see her there, so that I know that I haven't been crazy all along.

Now I am just so angry that he made me feel like I was possibly lying and cheating and had me groveling for his forgiveness. I am more humiliated than I was a year ago...

Well, at least I'm not crazy...

All you can do is stop being the fool and take steps to end the marriage. He has no remorse and is plainly attempting to cake eat. Such disrespect; stop being the victim and evict him from your life. If he comes round and is truly remorseful maybe you can give him yet another chance; but there again maybe not.

No more. I am just grateful I found out.

(NRG). I am so sorry you are going through this. It sounds like you gave up your platonic male friend because of this jerk. What a horrible double betrayal if that is the case. He manipulated you into giving up your innocent friend all the while he was cheating on you. I am so angry for you!!! (Edited to correct typo)

[This message edited by happenedtome at 3:35 AM, December 20th (Friday)]

Thank you, HTM.

I don't know if I'm in shock again, or I don't know what I'm feeling other than anger and humiliation.

I fought my BFF nail and tooth about R when I first told her my decision to do so. My BFF and I were not on very good terms for about a month because of this. We had stopped talking, which sucked because we usually talk/text several times throughout the day. She finally accepted and respected my decision and was even starting to support it. I don't even want to tell her now, and it's not even because I have too much pride, but because I just don't have the stomach to inform her.

It really sucks regardless, but I was really hoping to take Christmas back this year from the grinch(es) that stole it last year. I guess I still have time to take it back. It's just going to be that much harder...

Not that there is ever a good time, but the timing around the holidays really sucks. I hope your BFF can be supportive. Is there any way you can mend fences with your other friend? I hate that your WSO manipulated you AND isolated you from your friends.

I can totally mend the friendship with my friend. I haven't even said anything to him or anyone really because I haven't felt like seeing anyone or talking to anyone. If it weren't for walking my dog, I'd probably rarely leave the house.

My BFF will always be supportive of me, regardless of what I do. Unless, of course, it involves hurting others.

At this point though, I just don't feel like talking to anyone, especially not about WSO. I guess this is the only place I really feel like even talking about it.

Thank you for listening.

I totally get that. Thank heavens for SI, right?

Absolutely! It was my lifesaver a year ago. It's been my water and sunlight getting me through every day in order to just "survive."

The upside: I'm NOT crazy. The downside: Oops, my SO is a lying, cheating pile of crap! Oh, well...

But seriously, you can now move on knowing that you've done all you can to save the relationship. Lick your wounds and lie low maybe for a bit, but then claim your power and get out of this toxic relationship. He sounds like a master manipulator.

I'm so sorry. ((((NoReGrets)))

Thanks, Blobette. I should have listened to you too in the last thread I started in the R forum.

I have already sent a NC email. I hope he can respect that, but wtf does he know about respect, right? It's almost comical because during this past week of fights about my friend, he went on and on about how I was not considerate of him and how badly I had disrespected him. What a f'n joke...

Here is my NC email:

WS,

Silly me. Foolish me. Why I thought you were anything other than what I know you to be, what you've proved yourself to be, I will never understand. Silly me to think that anything you tell me could hold any value or truth. How foolish of me to think that we could even begin to start anew and reestablish any type of friendship and even miraculously, with even a scintilla of a possibility that we could rekindle anything more than that. I suppose that is the "positive" flaw inherent and so ingrained in me, which you so "admire" that you not only take for granted, but also of which you take advantage.

Silly me. Foolish me, the fiddle which you have become so adept at playing and manipulating -- once again, I am nothing more than a mere past-time to fuel your narcissistic sense of self-worth, your egotistical need to be "wanted." How childish of me to believe that you could have ever respected, loved, and cherished me.

Silly me. Foolish me. I am most regretful that I even opened the door to communicating with you, yet again. I regret it more than the day I met you, more than all the other umpteen chances I gave you to prove your word, your character, your integrity; and sadly enough, I regret it even more than loving you. How silly -- how foolish of me to think that you could no longer hurt me any more than you already have. Once again, you have proved me wrong.

You have told me that I should let you know if I wish for communication between us to cease. It is at this moment that I ask you to never contact me again. I ask you to stop using the love that I have and always will have for a person who very possibly never existed against me and allow me to preserve whatever little faith in humanity I have left.

Regards,

Silly me-Foolish me.

Now block him. Make sure he has NO way to contact you. There is nothing more to say--communication from him will only hurt you. The only thing he has to give you is pain.

((NoReGrets))

I'm so sorry you've been hurt all over again. Salt in an already open, oozing wound. :( What a jerk! Your email is perfect. Now add his email address to your blocked list and move on. You sound like an intelligent, generally happy person. You'll find someone who treasures you and doesn't use your finer qualities to take advantage of you at every possible opportunity.

He's a coward. He would not even attempt to contact me. He has too much pride.

At least I know. Thank God I found out only 2 months in and not 2 years later.

And thank you, everyone, for your support.

I'm so sorry, sweets.

I feel like smacking MYSELF upside the head for not realizing that his current mistrust had more to do with projection.

You are so compassionate and strong. I'm so sorry for all of this. Hold your head high - there's nothing wrong with trying to work things out. Now you know what you're dealing with, and you can really and truly move on.

(((NoReGrets)))

(((NoRe)))

You will survive this, and be smarter, braver, and more confident because of it. I know it's tough to believe now, but it really is true.

You know you did all you could, you know your aren't crazy, and you know what a master manipulator is, and how they work now. Which means you will learn from this and stay far far away from it in the future.

((((and strength)))

If he does try to see you close the door on him. Do NOT engage. As you say, he is a master manipulator. He will try to talk his way out of this. You didn't tell him why you are ending it. GOOD! Let him try to figure it out, don't tell him, he will twist it, and blame you for driving by his house. He doesn't need to have answers. Really he doesn't get to have answers. If he approaches you tell him you are done, done, DONE.

He has shown you who he really is, you don't need any further hurts from him, by deed or word. Spare yourself and do not try to explain why you ending it. You don't need an argument, denials, accusations YOU did something first as to why he saw her, etc. You don't need to get on that ride.

[This message edited by momentintime at 11:51 AM, December 20th (Friday)]

There is nothing more to engage in if I ever am unfortunate enough to cross paths with him. NC = no new hurts, right? (=

This past year and the continuous support from SI has helped me build strength, character, and resolve. I know I will survive this and be okay. I will always be okay.

Jrazz, don't feel bad about not seeing the signs. We all want to be optimistic and hopeful that things are not what they seem sometimes, especially in the R forum.

My stomach is in knots, and my body is shaking, but I have not yet shed a tear. Is there something wrong with me?

((((NoReGrets)))) There's nothing wrong with you, honey. It's new trauma, though, and you may still be somewhat in shock.

Be gentle with yourself. You know the drill - self care, focus on sleep, food, and water. Move your body to get the endorphins flowing and your mind clear.

We're here. We've got you.

Thanks, NIK.

I'm just staring blankly at my computer screen and at the wall. Other than w.t.f., I don't even know what to think or feel.

What do I do now...