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Newest Member: nadines13 (44587)

Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Need some insight
1bigidiot79
♂ Member
Member # 40557
Default  Posted: 8:40 AM, December 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As a lot of you know by now my situation is a little different (please read profile). Anyway, I do want to say that I appreciate you all letting me be here as I do feel like it is good for me to treat this as an actual affair. I would like to hear what you BS's have to say about what my BW is telling me.

During a very long, brutal and emotional talk a couple nights ago my BW told me she wishes I would have just f'd somebody instead of what I did. She said it would be easier to forgive me because everyone makes mistakes and she thinks she could get past that since it would have been a one time thing. But because I hid my pornography from her from the start of our relationship and lied repeatedly about it she doesn't know if she can ever be intimate with me again mentally or physically.

I'm not sure what to make of that. When she first said it a few months ago I thought it was just her anger talking but she is dead serious and says that it's because she doesn't even know who I am now. I have to admit that even though I'm trying very hard to own my mistakes and not minimize, there is a part of me that thinks that she would think otherwise if it had actually happened that way. Please don't misunderstand, I'm just being honest and trying to understand where she is coming from. Like I said, I am treating this as an unfaithful act in my marriage and I take full responsibility for my actions. Just trying to come to a better understanding so hopefully I can help my BW.


DDay 7/23/13
TT on 3/5/14 - Finally came completely clean
Finally working on making real changes in my life, one day at a time.

Posts: 160 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: United States
seenow
♀ Member
Member # 40720
Default  Posted: 9:05 AM, December 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH was balls deep ( ) in an affair for five years. Although the actual act of sex with someone else is disturbing to me what really hurts is all the crap surrounding his keeping it secret. The lies. The distance. The moodiness. The devaluing of me so he could feel OK with what he was doing. The way the guilt was shifted to me. The way he sabotaged me in public to bolster his delusional image of me. The abandonment. The secret. All the things he did and said to make his affair OK for him hurt me.

Your BS probably feels all those things too even without an actual person to point out. Maybe it is scarier because there is no actual OP to watch for and blame. You replaced something that should be hers with a screen not a real person. Ouch.


ME: BS mid 40's
Him: WH mid 40's
DDay 5/13 5 year LTA, ONS
together 25 yrs
1 kiddo

Posts: 287 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: mountain west
sailorgirl
♀ Member
Member # 38162
Default  Posted: 9:32 AM, December 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You had a loving, respectful, affectionate marriage pre-d-day, right?

My IC told me that if a BS is capable of cutting off emotional and physical bonds with the person closest to them overnight with no empathy, then it is likely that the BS had some issues of their own pre-betrayal. Maybe your W has fear of abandonment, a victim mentality or difficulty with intimacy.

Her issues are her responsibility, and you can not fix her. I would keep up the work on yourself and keep showing patience and remorse. Her pace is her pace and at least she talked to you about it.

The hypothetical ONS is a red herring. A ONS is not a "mistake". They result from the same damage and patterns all WS's have. No betrayal is "easier" to forgive.

Forgiveness itself may not be a helpful concept at this point. I am almost a year post d-day and haven't thought about forgiveness yet. I worked on healing myself and being healthy, and on understanding my H. I didn't need to forgive him to do those things.

I do think SI is completely appropriate for your situation.


Married 14 years, three amazing kids
H had 17 month EA/PA
D-day 1/5/13
Reconcilling

Posts: 787 | Registered: Jan 2013
20WrongsVs1
♀ Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 9:43 AM, December 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

she wishes I would have just f'd somebody instead of what I did

Shot in the dark, here, but had you f'd someone, there'd be on OW onto which BW could displace some of her hurt and anger. All she has is you. At least with a PA, she could've gone through the stage...which is normal and many BS's do it...where it'd maybe be a little easier to blame someone else at first. Or (another common reaction) blame herself by comparing herself unfavorably to the OW. Those are both common steps I see on the journey to realizing it *was* all about the Wayward and his brokenness all along. She had to jump straight to that step, which is probably very hard because (I bet) she wants to love and trust you.

Just realized I'm echoing what seenow wrote, in part.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1089 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, December 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The grass ain't greener on this side over here, I can tell you!

But yes, maybe it would be easier to displace anger, or have something to point to, rather than have to choose something big and impersonal like the porn industry or your spouse.

Maybe your BS should be on here - there are lots of people dealing with porn use. I am not minimizing your wife's hurt -- there was a day when I would have thought that was the worst betrayal my H could/would commit. So, it is good you are here, because your behavior could have totally escalated, and much of the lying and betraying comes from the same source, and hurts the same.


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1858 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
1bigidiot79
♂ Member
Member # 40557
Default  Posted: 10:01 AM, December 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sailorgirl, you are right that our marriage was otherwise good. Not perfect but very happy. I think you are on to something with the issues she has to resolve. I won't go into all of it but there are some there from her past that are most definitely playing a role in her healing process. I am trying so hard to remember this and remind myself to be patient with her. She is in IC so I hope they are working on them. Like you say, I can use the time to continue to work on myself which I am trying to do.

She had to jump straight to that step, which is probably very hard because (I bet) she wants to love and trust you.

20wrongs, I hope and pray you are right. Right now it feels like such a fantasy to think that she will ever trust me again. Sucks.


DDay 7/23/13
TT on 3/5/14 - Finally came completely clean
Finally working on making real changes in my life, one day at a time.

Posts: 160 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: United States
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 10:16 AM, December 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

*sigh* I would be "happy" if it had been pornography instead of an actual OW for 4 years. Or, at least, I think it would be easier. So, I understand how you would feel that way, 1bigidiot79. But, does it really matter?

Until you walk in the shoes, you never really know what it "feels" like. I don't really think your BW wished there had been an actual OW, she just wants some relief from her pain and is grasping at straws.

The lying, the secrets, the misplaced trust, the distortion of our reality is really the crux of the betrayal. I imagine it is the same feelings whether it was an actual PA, EA, porn addiction, or any kind of addiction.

Keep up the good work, 1big. Focus on your healing, be supportive of your BW. Listen to her and don't minimize her feelings. I am glad she is in IC because I do feel that there is probably some FOO issues that your betrayal has triggered in your BW.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9492 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
1bigidiot79
♂ Member
Member # 40557
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, December 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

*sigh* I would be "happy" if it had been pornography instead of an actual OW for 4 years. Or, at least, I think it would be easier. So, I understand how you would feel that way, 1bigidiot79. But, does it really matter?

Nope...not one bit. That is the reality I must now accept. I posted once before that her perception is reality. It doesn't matter what I think or what anyone else thinks...she thinks it and if I love her and really want to help her then I think it too.

The lying, the secrets, the misplaced trust, the distortion of our reality is really the crux of the betrayal.
This. I had a hard time realizing this for some reason but I totally get it now. The actual viewing of the porn is secondary to all these things. I think the thing she is having hardest time with is the distortion of reality. She keeps telling me she was fooled when she married me. She was tricked and now she feels trapped in a marriage to someone she doesn't even know. That sucks. How could I have done all this to her?


DDay 7/23/13
TT on 3/5/14 - Finally came completely clean
Finally working on making real changes in my life, one day at a time.

Posts: 160 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: United States
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 8:07 AM, December 21st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not such a difference....
Like I said, I am treating this as an unfaithful act in my marriage and I take full responsibility for my actions.
Because for some of us, in some cases, especially with an addict, pornography IS actually cheating, especially the lying and secrecy that surrounds it. You took your intimacy and gave it to a computer screen, and the picture of the moment that you were focusing on. You were not intimate with her because when you lie to your partner, you cannot be authentic. You cannot show your partner who you truly are. You gave her a facade to get attached to, while you kept the real you hidden deep inside. You cheated her from the real you. She is also thinking that when you were making love to her, you were actually visualizing all those images and not really focusing on her. Cheating starts in the mind, not with the body.
I am thinking this may have something to do with how she feels. A ONS is a one time mistake, maybe done in a drunken moment. A porn habit is a lifelong addiction that rewires the brain and kills true intimacy.

I left my WS because of his porn habit and the constant lies. I left him because I couldn't trust him. He never came clean with me. I couldn't be with someone I couldn't trust. I had no evidence of his cheating at the time I left him (I did find out later though about all the actual cheating the porn led into). The physical part didn't matter one bit. It was all about the trust and intimacy that I needed from him, which he wasn't able to give to me.
Hope this helps you understand a bit.

[This message edited by NaiveAgain at 8:07 AM, December 21st (Saturday)]


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15187 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
Topic Posts: 9

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