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Newest Member: graspingstraws99 (45451)

New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: changing my dating wiring
better4me
♀ Member
Member # 30341
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, December 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think I'm hard wired for "dangerous" and "exciting" men, the "bad boy", which is pretty freaking ridiculous! The other day I took a free on line "values survey" (Values in Action Survey from authentichappiness.org if you are interested) where Prudence and Caution turned out to be my second strongest trait. I love the male friends I have because they are nice. I steer away from people who act like assholes in real life. I avoid arrogant people like the plague, why the frick would my dating picker be set for "not so nice" men? Broken picker, I'ma going to fix you!

I have a first meeting with a guy who seems very "nice" scheduled for Saturday and already my mind is prepared for "meh" because he seems like such an ordinary guy. I'm going to change my mind's wiring! I'm letting the "he's going to be dull" thoughts drift in and then drift out of my mind again. They are not helpful thoughts and I don't have to listen to them. DECENT, NORMAL, KIND is what I'm looking for in a fella. This man's writing and saying that he is "really looking forward" to meeting me is a KIND and GOOD THING, not something to go "meh" about. Stupid thoughts, you are not helpful and I will not listen to you!

I will go into the date looking forward to meeting a nice, decent man and look forward to having a good conversation and seeing if we have things in common. I will remember that real feelings of caring take time to develop (if that happens) and I will not expect "great chemistry" right away. Great chemistry has usually steered me in the wrong direction, leads me to relationships that flare up and burn out quickly and therefore "chemistry" is not to be trusted as a determining factor in choosing a partner. Mild interest, and mild chemistry is probably a much better determiner for me. (If I'm repulsed, I'll listen to that too )

Better4me is getting so much wiser


DDay 11/17/2010 BW:52
Divorced

Posts: 3216 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Iowa
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, December 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Go you!


You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana


Posts: 25843 | Registered: Aug 2011
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 12:55 PM, December 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have this "problem" too. Nice guys are…well…boring, in my head. In my "ideal world", I'd love a guy that looks like a bad boy, but has a heart of gold.

I think because I'm artsy, I am attracted to something slightly "different" about guys. Either tattoos, or bow ties, or cowboy hats. Something that sets a guy apart a little. The last kind of guy I want is a golf playing, super conservative guy who hangs out at "the club". I really don't like arrogant men. It just isn't the kind of guy that I'm attracted to. (Nothing wrong with this kinda guy…I know plenty of friends who ARE attracted to this type!)

I tend to have a rather strong personality. Not in a bad way, but I'm not meek and mild, although I'm sweet, considerate and thoughtful. I am very independent and have my own thoughts. So, whenever I dated a "nice guy", I tended to…"run over them". exH called me "sassy", independent and self aware. I need a man who is going to be able to hang with my energy level, intelligence, and slightly artsy side. Meek and mild guys don't get me.

So, I know what you mean, better4me. On the other hand, a true "bad boy" doesn't get my attention either. The arrogance turns me off. Therefore I don't make it to the "flash and fade" part.

In my head, I'm kinda on the look out for a guy that is like me. A little bit "sassy", but completely and totally monogamous and focused on a relationship with a heart of gold. I figure if *I* exist, then *he* exists too. Maybe.

I'll be interested to hear how this date goes


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4187 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
SeanFLA
♂ Member
Member # 32380
Default  Posted: 1:20 PM, December 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow proves my theory...women are in fact very complex creatures.


BS(me) 48
WW 46
1 son 14 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley


Posts: 1470 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land
Crescita
♀ Member
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 1:46 PM, December 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So happy for you. You really can't go wrong deciding that you deserve someone kind. Looking forward to your updates


“Happiness cannot be pursued; it must ensue.” ― Viktor E. Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning

Posts: 3471 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
She11ybeanz
♀ Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, December 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WOW. Apparently we have the same broken picker! I tend to attract the bad boy POS types too.... great chemistry and shitty personality..... I gotta work on that!!!

Keep us in the loop on how your date goes! I hope there are sparks AND an awesome guy to boot! Sometimes guys can become more attractive once you get to know them!


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2724 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
StillLivin
♀ Member
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, December 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You have to dig a little deeper than the surface and you have to watch their actions, not just what they say they are.
I actually liked those "boring" men. I thought my STBXH was a good one. So did my family, so did my friends. He was steadfast, kind, cooperative. During the M, there were actions though, that contradicted those things he tried to portray.
Me, I still like those "good and boring" guys.
Maybe one day I'll want to date again (not), and a true good and boring, steadfast, kind, selfless guy will come into my life. I will NOT think he is boring at all!
DECENT, NORMAL, KIND is what I'm looking for in a fella.

GOOD for you!!!


I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2342 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 2:06 PM, December 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah…but here is the "issue"…the "decent, normal and kind" can be cheaters too.

When I married ex, I thought I was getting a "good guy". He was heavily involved in his church, sang in the choir, was a "giver", educated, fun, dressed conservatively, I used to call him "a boy scout". He was always helping little 'ol ladies, or people on the side of the road.

Looking back, I can see a few "flaws" that I should have picked up on, but I explained those away with how damn decent he seemed.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4187 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
Crescita
♀ Member
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, December 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah…but here is the "issue"…the "decent, normal and kind" can be cheaters too.

There are no guarantees, but I think dating the nicer man is generally a better risk, even/especially if it does end poorly.


“Happiness cannot be pursued; it must ensue.” ― Viktor E. Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning

Posts: 3471 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
better4me
♀ Member
Member # 30341
Default  Posted: 5:16 PM, December 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In my head, I'm kinda on the look out for a guy that is like me. A little bit "sassy", but completely and totally monogamous and focused on a relationship with a heart of gold. I figure if *I* exist, then *he* exists too. Maybe.
Yes, exactly this.^^^

And yes, Sean--I am figuring I'm being just too dang complicated and over thinking it! That's how I roll. I'll keep you all updated. We've firmed up tomorrow's lunch plans. He writes he "can't wait" to meet me. That's a good thing. I'm hoping I'm attracted...


DDay 11/17/2010 BW:52
Divorced

Posts: 3216 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Iowa
numbandnauseous
♀ Member
Member # 34525
Default  Posted: 5:22 PM, December 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

better - so fun! I'm excited for you and sending good mojo your way. Keep us updated.


BS (me) - 41
WH - 48, EA with HS GF x 2
M: 10 years, T: 20
2 small children
DDay#1 - Christmas 2011 (OW#1)
Confronted - 4/6/12
DDay#2 - July 9, 2012 (OW#2)
He is an SA (Oct 2012)
Divorcing

Posts: 827 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: the other side
thyme2go
♂ Member
Member # 12908
Default  Posted: 6:38 PM, December 20th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a first meeting with a guy who seems very "nice" scheduled for Saturday and already my mind is prepared for "meh" because he seems like such an ordinary guy. I'm going to change my mind's wiring! I'm letting the "he's going to be dull" thoughts drift in and then drift out of my mind again.

Be authentic and real about this mindset else he will pick up on it from a mile away. I can and I find that a huge turn-off no matter how much a gal tries to be interested. One and done for me. I will speak for only for my own self, but this nice and boring guy is much more cunning and intelligent then most all of the bad boys of which you speak.

It is certainly a two way street.

-t2g


BH - no longer 48
3 DD's - (27, 24 and 17)
Divorced on 8/6/09

Posts: 9188 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Eastern Washington
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, December 21st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was thinking about this thread, and wanted to add what I put in my OLD profile about what *I* look for in a man:

"Confidence without arrogance". I think it is a guy who knows himself well, yet doesn't have to "prove" anything by showing off. THAT is what attracts me. It isn't a "bad boy" per se, but I think what confuses the description is that "bad boys" can exude confidence. Once you dig a little, you see that it is the "wrong" confidence. It is arrogance.

Keep us posted!


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4187 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
ladies_first
♀ Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, December 21st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

t/j
"Confidence without arrogance".

I've been around SI way too long. I remember how the aforementioned sentiment would drive OnceinaLifetime positively crazy.

So here's my best holiday wishes to all SI peeps!

end t/j

I hope you had a nice time on your lunch date, better4me.


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 6:58 PM, December 21st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Umm... lunch time has long since passed, b4me. Did you get snowed in?


You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana


Posts: 25843 | Registered: Aug 2011
better4me
♀ Member
Member # 30341
Default  Posted: 7:24 PM, December 21st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

B4Me checking in as promised, NIK

(After lunch I had to do my final Christmas shopping for the really hard to buy for people on my list. And now, I'm done and home to inform my SI peeps about my dating wiring! :)

He was very nice, smiled a lot, was very easy to talk to. Intelligent, nice looking, great eyes. We have similar tastes in music and both like attending live music events. He speaks very positively about his 15 year old daughter who lives primarily with him. He seems self aware, talked briefly about the mistakes he made in his marriage, without talking very much about that (too much ex talk is a bad thing on a first date) And, he does some really cool volunteer work--helping with the engineering logistics of a flour mill in Ethiopia. Cool. Really, who does that? But...

Just kidding, no "buts". We clicked just fine. I'm attracted.

Here's his response to my "Thank you for the very nice lunch" text just now:
"Good food, great company. I had a great time too. We should make plans to get together again".

To which I responded "I'd like that"

I'm


DDay 11/17/2010 BW:52
Divorced

Posts: 3216 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Iowa
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 7:46 PM, December 21st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's a Christmas Miracle!

Just kidding, of course. I'm so glad it went well. He sounds very interesting. Enjoy, honey.


You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana


Posts: 25843 | Registered: Aug 2011
better4me
♀ Member
Member # 30341
Default  Posted: 7:48 PM, December 21st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's a Christmas Miracle!
hahahahha


DDay 11/17/2010 BW:52
Divorced

Posts: 3216 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Iowa
Brandon808
♂ Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 9:42 PM, December 21st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have to say this is a thread that strikes two chords with me.
First would be this...
Broken picker, I'ma going to fix you!
...because the first thing I told my IC was one of my goals was fixing my broken picker.

The part about being wired for "dangerous" and "bad boy" and find decent, normal and kind boring. Ironically so many female friends (and relatives too) would complain about how difficult it was to find a good man yet every single one turned down or broke up with nice guys.

Yeah…but here is the "issue"…the "decent, normal and kind" can be cheaters too.
I would say there are guys who seem like they're decent but define themselves differently by their actions.

This...

I will not expect "great chemistry" right away
...is a lesson for everyone. It can be a matter of patience. Just because the "great chemistry" isn't an instant reaction some people think that it won't come at all.

The time you invest in a new relationship is not (and should not) be about convincing yourself to like/care/love someone. It should be about developing those feelings because of what you learn and discover about each other and how you treat each other (i.e. your actions).


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 4007 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
better4me
♀ Member
Member # 30341
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, December 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Brandon, This:
The time you invest in a new relationship is not (and should not) be about convincing yourself to like/care/love someone. It should be about developing those feelings because of what you learn and discover about each other and how you treat each other (i.e. your actions).
is going in my SI quotes file. You said what I'm thinking perfectly. I started this "dating thing" really wanting to fast forward and "find" the one. 2 years later, I now understand the importance of watching something unfold. I'm thankful for the "might have beens" that weren't because I wasn't ready anyway!


DDay 11/17/2010 BW:52
Divorced

Posts: 3216 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Iowa
Topic Posts: 25
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