He sent an email the other day asking if I was willing to sit down with him and amicably discuss what we want at the end of all this divorce mess.
I took the advice of some other SI folks and just replied "I have read your counterclaim, do you still intend to pursue sole custody of DD?"
STBXH replied this morning "I am willing to negotiate amicably if you are willing to negotiate amicably." (never mind that calling me an ufit mother is FAR from amicable).
I replied AGAIN, "Do you still intend to pursue sole custody of DD?"
His last response was "I will accept nothing less than joint custody. If you are willing to start there, I think that we can work everything out. You filed for sole custody first."
Well no shit I filed for sole custody, she's my biological kid, asshat.
My question here is, should I just tell STBXH that joint legal custody is negotiable, but sole physical with visitation is not? Or should I not answer...I mean, I dont want to end up in court, but this is my bottom line.
Thin ice is under you, Hon. Back away.
There's always failure. And there's always disappointment. And there's always loss.
But the secret is learning from the loss, and realizing that none of those holes are vacuums.
- Michael J. Fox
It is what it is.
BUT...should I just respond by telling him that he is more than welcome to have his attny type up an offer and send it to my attny? I mean, dont I WANT to know what kind of BS he thinks he's going to be getting out of all this?
ETA: No, do not respond to him anymore. Don't make suggestions, don't tell him how to conduct his legal business with his lawyer during this divorce. No more being helpful and amicable. Please!
[This message edited by Nature_Girl at 12:05 PM, December 20th (Friday)]
It is time to let your L and his L negotiate. Do not trust stbx. He will try to bully you into do what he wants if you meet with him. This likely will not go to court -- do not think of sitting down with him and court are the only 2 options. Most D settlements come about in negotiations between the L or mediation.
Stay strong and rely on your L
Seems he is using your daughter as his bargaining chip to gain an advantage, either no CS or SS, property settlement, whatever he is after. He has an agenda and he is following it.
First he tells you he wants sole custody, you are an unfit mother, then negotiates down to 50/50, what is his bottom line? We all know you start out sky high in demands so you have negotiating room. Seems he is trying this out on you. Don't have the knee-jerk reaction he is looking for. He is trying to scare you, use you fear against you. He is playing games, yes, but he is trying to WIN. Everything through a lawyer in answer. See how he reacts when he sees you aren't going to play his games.
"Global editing disclaimer - I edit almost everything I post, and I am not going to post why every time."...re: Bionical girl
I haven't given/promised/answered anything STBXH has asked-except to reply to this email to ask if he was still trying to get custody of DD-and I dont intend to. It's just a long, messy, crappy, path that I am on, and it's nice to have all you SI folks acting as guideposts along the way!!
My attny filed my response to his couterclaim this morning...I have a feeling that STBXH had not gotten his copy from his attny when he sent that email, as I dont think that he would be so willing to be amicable with me if he had
Of course, I also wondered this: was he possibly very sincere at the time of adoption, and even though he's gone off the rails otherwise, still loves your DD very much and does consider her his DD too?
The answers to these two very different questions to me are what you need to decide how to proceed.
If he really loves her, is a true dad, she wants him to be a dad, and all that... then I would say it's no different than if she was his bio-kid. You probably want him to have at least some visitation and possibly even joint custody. If he really has become dad, then that's probably what's best for DD.
If none of that is true, then what is the motivation? Is it just to get at you? To get out of CS? Or is it something worse? Is it possible that marrying you was more about your DD than it was you?
You've gotten good advise about going through your lawyer, but your lawyer can only help you so far. These are questions you need to answer for yourself and be comfortable with so you can decide what direction you need to go in. If there is any chance that he did all this with ulterior motives initially, you need to tell your L and come up with a plan to keep her away.
Of course, I haven't seen you say anything about him in that direction, and I don't mean to worry you if it really isn't a concern.
The bottom line is - you need to figure out what is best for DD here, and do what you need to try and get that for her.