When thoughts of the AP come or of the A I tend to let them sit for a minute. Kind of sticking my toe in the water. There is no fond reminiscing or fantasizing but I am letting my thoughts go there for a second before I redirect.
I am waiting to see what feelings come. I'm looking for indifference and I'm not completely there yet. I'm feeling revulsion at what I did, sadness for how we both (two broken people) collaborated to hurt ourselves, each other, and both families so stupidly, regret (wishing I could go back and make better choices so it never would have happened).
I got mad at myself because this is breaking mental NC, but I also feel the need to take my temperature sometimes and see if my moving in the right direction.
With regards to the AP, I don't hate him any more. I certainly don't have fond feelings either. I see him as a human being. I'm aware he is responsible for his own choices that hurt his BS, his family, himself, me, my BS, and my family. But I think more about him being a flawed human being that I participated in devastatingly harmful behavior with. Like committing a crime with someone. There has never been an attempt to break NC. The last communication I had with him he was only concerned with his BW and his family and trying to repair the damage so I feel no need to think badly of him now or think of him at all.
It's just when the thoughts come I sometimes feel the need to question what my feelings are for a second before I push them away.
Is this screwed up wayward thinking? I'm not sure I'm expressing myself right. I just want others takes on what I'm doing in my head here. Harmful or helpful?