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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Coping
iAmAMess0809
Member
Member # 40964
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, December 21st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am having trouble coping right now.

My mother is near the end of her life, dying from kidney cancer. She is in the final hours to days of her life, and in a coma.

We are just over 2 months out from dday. Things have been okay for the most part, though the roller coaster of emotions is in full force.

This is obviously a hard time, and my infidelity only made it harder. I can't even focus on grieving like I want because of my stupid affair and lies.

My BW, for her part, has been great about trying to push the affair to the side for the time being. But there are limits. She is mad at me right now, for example. I had agreed that by yesterday, I would write a new NC letter to OW describing how I feel about the affair now, though this would not be delivered. I will point out that I had also agreed to do this about 6 weeks ago and failed. I also agreed to complete a writing question from our Retrouville session. I only completed the NC letter.

My reasoning for not completing everything was because I had planned to do them yesterday, and my dad was in bad shape and needed to do a lot of talking.

Today, we both came up to see my parents. After talking to my mom for awhile, I sat down and decided to work on our budget, while BW worked on making Christmas stockings. She had asked if I needed to do the budget right then, and was upset that I said yes. Choosing to work on that rather than finishing the writing question or helping her made her feel like she was second choice again, just like during the A.

My perspective is completely different. I think the budget is for us, not for me. I also find it comforting to work on, because I want to appear that at least some aspect of life is in control even if life is anything but under control right now. It just makes me feel better.

Nonetheless, she feels how she feels and there is nothing I can do about. She has held back for the most part considering the circumstances, outside of a text earlier. But she is upset, and it is killing me.

I am not coping well today. The fact that my selfish decisions of the past are interfering with the grieving over the death of my mother is just so unbearable.


Me: WH, 32
Wife: BW, 31 (SoVeryTired5)
Affair during March/April 2013
DDay: April 30, 2013 (Admitted EA)
Full Disclosure: October 11, 2013 (Admitted PA)
Hoping to reconcile


Posts: 65 | Registered: Oct 2013
MairISaoirse
♀ Member
Member # 41497
Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, December 21st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My perspective is completely different. I think the budget is for us, not for me. I also find it comforting to work on, because I want to appear that at least some aspect of life is in control even if life is anything but under control right now. It just makes me feel better.

Yes, it makes YOU feel better, when you were supposed to be doing something to make HER feel better

JMO


Mad Hatter

Me: 21
Him: 21
Together 2 years
my ONS->1 mo EA abroad

after D-Day BF admitted he had broken NC with EXGF (EA)
D-DAY 11/21/13

In Limbo


Posts: 114 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Kentucky
MairISaoirse
♀ Member
Member # 41497
Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, December 21st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

double post

[This message edited by MairISaoirse at 3:32 PM, December 21st (Saturday)]


Mad Hatter

Me: 21
Him: 21
Together 2 years
my ONS->1 mo EA abroad

after D-Day BF admitted he had broken NC with EXGF (EA)
D-DAY 11/21/13

In Limbo


Posts: 114 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Kentucky
iAmAMess0809
Member
Member # 40964
Default  Posted: 4:05 PM, December 21st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, it makes YOU feel better, when you were supposed to be doing something to make HER feel better

This is where I struggle. Not normally, at least I don't think so. But when is it ok to do what I need to do for me considering what is going on? How do I balance all of this? How do I cope? Do I not even try to cope or do things thst help me? That can't be the answer.

If I had known how she felt, I would have worked on what she wanted for awhile first. It was not on my radar to do it here today, as there is very little privacy compared to weekdays. I was not just disregarding itthough, if that is how my post came across.


Me: WH, 32
Wife: BW, 31 (SoVeryTired5)
Affair during March/April 2013
DDay: April 30, 2013 (Admitted EA)
Full Disclosure: October 11, 2013 (Admitted PA)
Hoping to reconcile


Posts: 65 | Registered: Oct 2013
iAmAMess0809
Member
Member # 40964
Default  Posted: 8:32 PM, December 21st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My mom passed away a few hours ago. She left me a note saying how proud of me she was and the man I grew up to be.

If only she knew that I was someone who would cheat on my wife. The disappointment that she would feel is hard to bear. At least she would love me no matter what wrongs I committed.


Me: WH, 32
Wife: BW, 31 (SoVeryTired5)
Affair during March/April 2013
DDay: April 30, 2013 (Admitted EA)
Full Disclosure: October 11, 2013 (Admitted PA)
Hoping to reconcile


Posts: 65 | Registered: Oct 2013
EvolvingSoul
♀ Member
Member # 29972
Default  Posted: 9:09 PM, December 21st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sorry for your loss. Be gentle with yourself. Grieving will take time. Sometimes it changes us and our perspective on what's worth our efforts and attention. For tonight, just be kind to yourself.

Sympathy to you from an EvolvingSoul.


Me: WS (52)
Him: Shards (47)
D-day: June 6, 2010
Last voluntary AP contact: June 23, 2010
NC Letter sent: 3/9/11

Digging our way through.


Posts: 308 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: Turning the corner.
AML04
♀ Member
Member # 39682
Default  Posted: 5:45 AM, December 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have no advise for you but I am so sorry for your loss.


Me-BS Him-WH DS 5/12
Met 2000, Married 2004
DDay 5/26/13, TT through 8/13
2.5 yr EA w/co-worker, PA 12/12 to 4/13
Hopeful for R

Posts: 875 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: MA
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 6:07 AM, December 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry for your loss.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 37987 | Registered: Sep 2007
hurtsobadinside
♂ Member
Member # 35308
Default  Posted: 7:06 AM, December 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so very sorry for your loss.

me: 58
her WW- 57
7 yr LTA (PA & EA) with her former boss
one D-24 yrs old- former eating disorder now OCB
married 25 yrs
in "R" and its been roller-coaster
D-day 3-13-12
confronted 6 wks later (dropped 35# in those 6 wks and spent 2 days in the hospital with severe chest pains--thought I was having a heart attack)
I contacted AP's faithful wife outed their "A" (she knew nothing)and we both kept tabs on our waywards
True NO Contact- July 2012
Fog, denials, blame shifting, rub sweeping, TT selfish, stubborn...lots of mal-adapted coping skills, no boundaries...you name it and she did it but things are finally getting better very slowly
its a long road....and painful and she finally understands the true value and extent of the gift I gave her in both "R" and not telling anyone about her "A"


Posts: 151 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Illinois
SandAway
♀ Member
Member # 37775
Default  Posted: 7:13 AM, December 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sorry for your loss.


fWW
BH Tred
M 16yrs
DDay Nov. 2011

Guns don't kill people; Affairs kill people


Posts: 439 | Registered: Dec 2012
pointofnoreturn
♀ Member
Member # 41034
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, December 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey, I know it's hard, but please don't beat yourself up. You're working on yourself, are you not? The person you are today is vastly different to the person you were during your A. Humans are dynamic.

I'm sure you had done plenty of dumb things as a child that made your mother disappointed in you. And while getting a bad grade is no where comparable to having an A, you mother still loved you no matter what. I think even if she knew about your A, she would still love you. I guess how you can compare it is she'd hate what you have done, but she wouldn't hate you. After all, could one major bad thing you've done completely erase all of the good memories she had of raising you?

I know you're probably down in the dumps, but despite your A, you can and will live up to the image your mother had of you. Keep working on yourself and making each day another step to becoming the ideal person you want to be. You can do it!


Me- WGF 22
Him- BBF 21
Ddays:
August 2011
September 26th, 2013

"A lesson is learned. Life is. Simply. There is no Death. There is no Before. There is no After. All is in Flux. Simply."


Posts: 187 | Registered: Oct 2013
Steppenwolf
♂ Member
Member # 38140
Default  Posted: 10:02 PM, December 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First, I am very sorry for your loss. I can't imagine...

Second, gently, here's some more perspective:

My perspective is completely different. I think the budget is for us, not for me. I also find it comforting to work on, because I want to appear that at least some aspect of life is in control even if life is anything but under control right now. It just makes me feel better.

The question you promised to write is for both of you as well and ranks higher on the priority list than the budget. I get it though; the budget is easier. You're comfortable doing it, and aside from wanting control in your life, there's also a need for comfort given all of the things going on in your life.

If you can summon empathy here, I believe that will help. Try to imagine how uncomfortable your BW feels right now. She's basically wearing a t-shirt and shorts and it 20 below zero. The NC letter, the question from the session? Those are blankets. Give them to her.

[This message edited by Steppenwolf at 10:03 PM, December 27th (Friday)]


Me: WS- 30s
Her: BS- 30s RockyMtn



Posts: 126 | Registered: Jan 2013
longroadhome
♂ Member
Member # 32428
Default  Posted: 4:35 AM, December 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry for your loss.

Don't let imagining your mom's disappointment be another thing that weighs you down right now. Assume, if you can, that she would forgive your imperfections. Moms do that.


Me: WH
Her: BW, and the most amazing, beautiful person I've ever known

It is counterintuitive really... the less we defend our well-being, the more well we feel. ~ Nancy Colier


Posts: 547 | Registered: Jun 2011
Daisy1967
♀ Member
Member # 41627
Default  Posted: 6:48 AM, December 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My mother died in February. I know how you must be feeling.

When my mom was about to die, I asked DH for a truce. That I had supported him when his dear sister and father had died and that I was asking no less from him. That we have children who would need their dad to support them with the loss of Grandma.

He did step up. I hope your wife does the same. At least for now.


Posts: 70 | Registered: Dec 2013
KBeguile
♂ Member
Member # 38348
Default  Posted: 7:32 AM, December 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So sorry for your loss.

On an aside:
I just had something of a similar experience. We're approaching 1 year since I lost my last surviving biological grandparent, and my mother got my sister and I some themed gifts to remember him by (her dad), one of which was a cup for me with "WORLD'S BEST DAD" on it.

Now, *I* know how my behavior has been. If I chose to consider it only in the frame of how I behaved during As - when I ignored my BS and DS in favor of myself - then I couldn't have accepted it with a clear conscience.

However, I have done a lot of work in the past year (still not perfect), and my relationship to my DS at the very least is one in which I feel like I am a much more complete parent. I discipline properly, I listen, I connect, and I bond. I make decisions with him in mind first. I've re-learned and turned bad habits into good.

My Ultimate Point:
If you're judging your mother's words based upon who you were, they will be hollow. If you listen in the spirit of "you are someone who can recognize his faults and turn them around, and I admire that in a person," then I think you've earned every bit of the praise.


Me: fWS 32
Her: BS 35 (HeartInADustpan)
DS: 4yo
M: 7 years
DDays: 2012/11/14, 2013/02/05, 2013/03/09
-
"Everything that happens now is happening 'now.'"
"What happened to 'then'?"
"We passed 'then.'"

Posts: 801 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: St. Louis
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 10:31 AM, December 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello iAmAMess - I'm so very sorry for your loss. Losing a parent is something I haven't had to experience yet, but I feel pain just imagining it.

I'm not judging your wife, or the other posters that are saying that writing letters should be a priority. Everyone has their own opinions on priorities, and that is perfectly fine.

By 'everyone' I mean you too. Grieving to you is a priority. The loss of your mother, understandably, is a priority. I hope your wife can understand that.

Please allow me to share - and perhaps your wife will read this as well?

Just a few weeks after DDay, my husband's grandfather passed away. They weren't particularly close (lots of FOO), but he loved his grandfather, and the loss hurt, badly.

As much as I was hurting, I felt at the time that helping my husband by allowing him to grieve was very important. I knew that anything I needed could wait, but grieving the loss of a loved one is front and center of the grieving.

Again, I am NOT judging or condemning your wife. The pain of a BS is very strong, and there is a strong desire to put ourselves first, as we often feel that no one else has. She also may feel that if you can show her that she is a priority, even now in your grief, that may be what she needs to heal.

If you are still struggling with this issue, I really recommend talking about it with your wife. Explain, in a loving way, that she is your priority, and that you are deeply sorry for the pain you've caused, but right now you are very distraught and you need some patience while you clear your head and process the loss of your mother. Explain that helping her heal has not left your mind, but you need to heal properly from the loss of your mother before you can effectively help her heal.

iAmAMess, you and your wife will be working on your marriage for a long time, not just because of the A, but because marriage takes work. I think everyone here has learned that.

Your wife is hurting, and so are you. I really hope the two of you are able to talk about this and find a resolution that satisfies you both. Right now, it seems that if what is happening continues, there will be some resentment on both sides, and I doubt either of you want that.

Yes, I'm sure you feel it would be nice if your wife just understood, but remember, she is hurting tremendously, so helping her to understand may be just what is needed. Making her feel safe and helping her understand that she is still a priority to you could make all the difference.

I wish you success, and I'm so sorry for the loss of your mother.

(((((hugs)))))


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
iAmAMess0809
Member
Member # 40964
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, December 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the support everyone. This has been a really rough week, and the worst Christmas I can remember. First Christmas since my mother's passing, first Christmas since the A...it's been quite a week.

My BW has been great. She has been able to put our issues to the side. The A has still come up, and she's had some rough days...Christmas Eve and Christmas are triggers alone. Yesterday was a rough day because I took my daughter out to see a movie, and BW tends to do a lot of thinking when I'm out. So while she hasn't been able to completely put our issues to the side, I think she has done a great job of being there for me. Yeah, the A has still come up, but we're still not very far out from Dday and I think it would be unreasonable to expect it not to, as much as I could use a reprieve.

The timing, I think, was horrible. There are just so many triggers this time of year.

Of course, the one point I always come back to is we wouldn't have to be dealing with anything but the loss of my mother if I hadn't made such horrible, selfish choices. I resent myself more that anything right now.

Thanks again everyone.


Me: WH, 32
Wife: BW, 31 (SoVeryTired5)
Affair during March/April 2013
DDay: April 30, 2013 (Admitted EA)
Full Disclosure: October 11, 2013 (Admitted PA)
Hoping to reconcile


Posts: 65 | Registered: Oct 2013
Topic Posts: 17

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