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New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: 2nd wife
waterloo09
♀ Member
Member # 26422
Default  Posted: 5:12 PM, December 21st (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It was my birthday recently. My boyfriend is a great gift giver. He listens to what I talk about and gets me things that I mention in passing and also other gifts that are meaningful, thoughtful. He even gets a card and gift for my kids to give me since my ex doesn't bother. Anyway I have been reflecting on how different things are with a caring man. My ex gave me chocolates for several years in a row, nothing else just chocolates. I liked them but come on, a little creativity please. I learned in passing that the second wife also received chocolates I wonder if she knows I got the same thing, if it bugs her or does she think it is great? I'm sure wondering about this is a waste of my time but I can't help myself.

Posts: 141 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Canada
tesla
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Member # 34697
Default  Posted: 9:20 AM, December 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ex-shat just married his stripper whore...the day after we were married! On our wedding date and for every anniversary, he would give me one of those preserved, gold edged roses. I found myself wondering this weekend if he is giving stripper whore the same gift.


"Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch." --King Lear

Posts: 4620 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Indiana
thebighurt
♀ Member
Member # 34722
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, December 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Anyway I have been reflecting on how different things are with a caring man.

^^^ This. This is the reason I would consider getting into a relationship. I would love to know what it is like to have an honest relationship with a man who really cares. (Heavy sigh)

Waterloo, it sounds like she just needs to get used to it.

Tesla, maybe that was his wedding gift to her. Feeble brain can't think of anything else.


Finding what life could have been....... Why didn't I see it?

Posts: 2329 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: the Other Side
wontdefineme
♀ Member
Member # 31421
Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, December 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have wondered about these posts where the WS does same things in other relationships. I'm sure we do the same things through our lives. We continue to be the same person regardless of who we are with or where we are. Are there ever any special relationships, or as we have discovered same person different SO same MO.

I used to tell my xh after I found out, that it didn't matter if he quit his job because where ever he went, there he was. If he got remarried, he would be there no matter who he remarried. And from letters that I read from his first wife, he was exactly the same person/jerk with her.


Posts: 2172 | Registered: Mar 2011
hurtbs
♀ Member
Member # 10866
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, December 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Chocolate (generic, drug-store variety), cheap jewelry (like what high schoolers give one another), and sometimes a video. He was such a shitty gift giver because he focused so much on 'getting a deal.' So all chocolate I got was generic, drug store chocolate. All flowers I got were $5 bouquets from the grocery store. He bought me a camera one year, it was an awful camera that worked terribly so I returned it (it was $64; you could get an amazing digital camera for about $120). He was 'deeply hurt' that I did that and that I didn't think the camera was the greatest gift ever.
Now I'm not saying that I need a lot of expensive gifts and jewelry and flowers all the time. We had disposable income, the occasional Godiva box, delivered bouquet, or a necklace with a chain that didn't rust in a year on an anniversary would have been nice. It wouldn't have broken the bank (not even close). I would have liked to have known that he put more than a passing thought into a gift (other than what was the cheapest option). Seriously, I had to throw away jewelry gifts from him regularly because it would rust or discolor. Gross.You can buy a pendant on a silver chain for less than $100!
So I hear occasionally from mutual friends that he and new SO (he's on his second 'soul mate' since the divorce) and she's getting cheap jewelry and generic chocolate.

[This message edited by hurtbs at 11:04 AM, December 22nd (Sunday)]


Me BW Him XSAWH
DDays 2006, and then numerous more
Divorced 2012

"In life, unlike chess, the game continues after checkmate." - Asimov
"Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you." - Ovid


Posts: 15325 | Registered: Jun 2006
9.10.11
♂ Member
Member # 36336
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, December 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A reply from "the other side".

I gave "romantic" gifts to my xww. poems, collection of songs that meant something to us, thoughtful gifts....most went in the trash. So shot down there.

Now, SO had always went to a friends house to have margaritas once a week. So I bought her a fancy margarita maker. It wasn't right.
.
My point is, some of us try so hard but get shot down to the point that we feel that we will never get it right. Then it's hard to even try.

I've gotten so many ridiculous gifts it isn't even funny. I didn't look at the actual gift, it was just great that they even thought of me.

Just my $.02.....keep the change.


Posts: 123 | Registered: Aug 2012
inconnu
♀ Member
Member # 24518
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, December 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I got lots of nice gifts from ex, in the beginning, before he got tired/bored/unhappy/blamed it all on me. In the very beginning, he thought of them himself. After a while, he'd get something from the list he asked for. Eventually, there were Christmases and birthdays where I got nothing. And one year where there was a really nice gift out of guilt, even though I was sure ex didn't like me, much less love me. At least now I know why.

I imagine OW got some very nice gifts. But now she's the wifetress. I expect it won't take long before the amount of thought ex puts into gift-giving for her diminishes greatly, if it hasn't already. Hmmm, I wonder if he's re-gifted to her the tainted ring that was the above mentioned guilt gift?


Say what you wanna say and let the words fall out...honestly
I wanna see you be brave

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect


Posts: 12146 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: TX
waterloo09
♀ Member
Member # 26422
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, December 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Too funny - so many bad gifts lol. I remember getting a half dead bouquet from the convenience store once. No videos though.. I can see your point about losing interest if gifts are not appreciated.

Posts: 141 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Canada
wildbananas
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Member # 10552
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, December 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ex-asshat was also a lousy gift giver... a card and maybe a bag of M&Ms. (Except for the one year he gave me a perfume set for Christmas that he'd bought from OW1. She sold Avon or some such. And I never even wore perfume. ) I think it was part laziness, but I truly believe he didn't see what the big deal was. It isn't like I expected diamonds and roses... just something with some thought was all, even if it was a flower snitched from a neighbor's yard. And he always made me feel bad for feeling like that.

I have to say so far, SO is an amazing gift giver. He puts a lot of thought into what he gives me and it truly makes me feel special.

[This message edited by wildbananas at 2:21 PM, December 22nd (Sunday)]


Travel light, live light, spread the light, be the light. ~ Yogi Bhajan

Posts: 15393 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Now an AZ girl
k94ever
♀ Member
Member # 11176
Default  Posted: 2:16 PM, December 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FWS didn't have a romantic bone in his body. And he was also a very crappy gift giver. He NEVER listened to what I wanted and always tried to get something unique and "special" .

I usually ended up having to tell him point-blank what I wanted and most years ended up getting the item myself.

I would love to meet someone who has a least a concept of romance.


(sigh)

k9


BS: 56
WS: 53
Betrayed: 23 years
Affairs: 14 (2 lasted 3 months. Rest were ONS)
WS died: 16 May 2011
Do not stay in your hurt forever. Choose to move out of it.

Posts: 6545 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: Wisconsin
Phoenix1
♀ Member
Member # 38928
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, December 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have to say that XPOS was a great gift giver most of the time, and I always got flowers delivered to my office even though I told him repeatedly not to waste the money. However, even though I always put a lot of thought and creativity into my gifts to him, and would constantly listen for things he really wanted, most were set aside after maybe one use. It was almost like a silent "meh" was being said inside his brain. Always made me feel awful, like everything I did was worthless to him. A nice, expensive leather jacket with his favorite sports team logo? Never worn. Put in the back of the closet. That Keurig coffee maker he HAD to have and talked endlessly about? Used less than a handful of times then not at all. Truly deflating.

On reflection, I think his gifts to me were less about being thoughtful and more about a guilty response because he was having As the entire time. He needed to stay the nice husband to keep me from getting suspicious. After all, who gives their wife gifts like that when they are busy producing OCs with their whores? Psychopathic POSs do that, that's who. All his gifts to me became tainted when I discovered the years of infidelity.


BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs over 20+yrs
Kids - DDs 22,17 -DS20 Deceased
M Dissolved 2013

This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet


Posts: 1096 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Rising out of Hell's ashes!
thebighurt
♀ Member
Member # 34722
Default  Posted: 3:36 PM, December 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Phoenix1, I think we M the same man. I got the same response to gifts I thoughtfully got, and some were exactly what he said he wanted. I know of quite a few that are still at my house and were seldom or never used.

Gifts to me were usually jewelry - nice things - and often things i didn't have occasion to use. As one DIL used to say, "What bauble did he get you for this Christmas/anniversary/birthday?".

Often, he would ask for ideas and get anything but because he "wanted it to be a surprise". The last two, Christmas and birthday, he asked what I wanted and got exactly what I said. I should have known he was up to something!

And I would get the anger if I asked to return anything, like I was ungrateful. One time he bought three dresses that were terrible for my body type and looked awful. Now that I know he
is SA, I get why. One was very revealing. The others didn't really fit and I had no place to wear them anyway.

I've sold some of the jewelry he gave me and haven't worn any of the rest. I bought myself some nice things and DD gave me one I wear a lot.

ETA: Now I also get why he had to get anything but what I wanted. The element if surprise is part of controlling. It put me in a bad light more than once, because he was constantly surprising me.

[This message edited by thebighurt at 3:53 PM, December 22nd (Sunday)]


Finding what life could have been....... Why didn't I see it?

Posts: 2329 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: the Other Side
Topic Posts: 12

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