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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: How is this who I truly am?
Stillkicking
♂ Member
Member # 38246
Default  Posted: 7:20 PM, December 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Together 12 years, married 4, three ons, one revenge affair that I can't seem to stop. I can go days without talking to her, and then I just completely lose all will power and I'm right back into it. How??? Why??? For fucks sake why do I continue to hurt my wife? Over and over again, I'm losing everything because of my inability to just be what's right and true.

Here's my sad tale of what my life has now become.
I've had two ons at sporting events in which the evenings involve excessive alcohol consumption and all night partying.
Both of these nights I was well beyond my limit, no excuse but definitely made the decisions to go through with it easier.
I had 1 ons while on a family vacation alcohol was involved again.
I have a very unhealthy need to be liked and looked at in a good light by everyone I meet, and when I don't feel that way I try everything I can to make this person like me. I feel like this is a major issue and cause of why I made these choices, because I was desired and these women wanted to be with me, I got my ego boosts. Booze is another problem I have, now it's not that I drink often, it's that when I go into "party" mode I don't have an ounce of moderation in my body.

My wife had an affair with a coworker that lasted roughly 8 months with 3 months of very heavy ea and pa. When I discovered this I was destroyed. I waited for 2 months before I told her about my own ons, this was a mistake. We made a choice to move forward with a new relationship based on open honest communication.

I failed on this front terribly. Instead of talking about how I was feeling, I chose to not rock the boat cause we where doing good, I was essentially rugsweeping her affair. All the time building resentment and hiding it from myself.

I started to notice this woman at work an I was drawn to her, found myself spending more and more time with her. Then I turned into Facebook messages, which my wife found right away, there was nothing sexual or flirty at this point yet so I explained it away, but I was already on the slope. Then we started texting each other, and that escalated quickly, and turned into flirty sexual texts. At this point I had convinced myself that I was unhappy and started an I house seperation with my wife, I moved to the basement. I also got layed off from job. It was at this point that I took the relationship from ea to pa. It lasted about a week before I told my wife what I was doing and that I wanted to end my affair and be a better husband. She was devistated, angry, and crushed, she kicked me out. I had started my new job and am working away. So I wasn't seeing her anymore, but I was still talking to her through text. While trying to repair my relationship with my wife. As my marriage started to break down, I was firing my affair back up. At the end of my shift this time I stayed at my ap house and spent the night. I told my wife last night. She imeadiatly said she wanted a divorce, told to not come back, and wouldn't let me say goodbye to my children.

I have really fucked my life up here and I don't think that there is a chance to repair what I have done. If anybody has any advice or 2x4 for on how I can be a safe partner please help.


You'll never learn to fly
until your standing at the cliff

I reserve my right to feel uncomfortable reserve my right to be afraid.
I make mistakes and I am humbled every step of the way.


Posts: 128 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Canada
KBeguile
♂ Member
Member # 38348
Default  Posted: 9:14 PM, December 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'll step in here to say, "Please don't ask for 2x4s. It makes it hard for the mods to do their jobs."

Thank you.


Me: fWS 32
Her: BS 35 (HeartInADustpan)
DS: 4yo
M: 7 years
DDays: 2012/11/14, 2013/02/05, 2013/03/09
-
"Everything that happens now is happening 'now.'"
"What happened to 'then'?"
"We passed 'then.'"

Posts: 754 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: St. Louis
EvolvingSoul
♀ Member
Member # 29972
Default  Posted: 9:28 PM, December 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think this is what they call hitting bottom. The worst has happened and there is no quick fix, you know that. Whether your wife divorces you or not, you're going to have to start digging deep into yourself to figure out why you are unsafe if you ever want to be different.

I believe we all have the capacity for genuine change. We all can become better than we are. Including you.

As a practical step, I think I would nix alcohol entirely were I you. Start IC if you haven't already, or if you've been lying to your IC you should come clean with him or her. If your IC condoned your wayward behaviors, get a new one.

As a second practical step, I would look into doing some kind of service work. Anything. Visit someone who is lonely. Feed someone who is hungry. Help someone perform a task they could not do for themselves. Anything that makes something better for someone. After so much selfishness, doing something selfless can be a balm to your shattered spirit.

Post here for support. People here will help you come to terms with what you have done and help you through the process of changing. You can do it.

Strength to you from a fellow EvolvingSoul.


Me: WS (52)
Him: Shards (47)
D-day: June 6, 2010
Last voluntary AP contact: June 23, 2010
NC Letter sent: 3/9/11

Digging our way through.


Posts: 253 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: Turning the corner.
AlexFL
♂ Member
Member # 40966
Default  Posted: 10:24 PM, December 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you truly want to be with your wife? Maybe this is your way of exiting.

Posts: 143 | Registered: Oct 2013
Unagie
♀ Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 11:08 PM, December 22nd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You had a ONS that you kept from her until you found out about her A. Then you had another A. It was not a RA that R gives it justification it should never have, it was an affair. So you built up resenetment due to your wife's A? Did she build up resentment due to yours? Did she go out and have an affair again?

Take some responsibility, because you're not. You admitted your multiple ONS because she had an A and you figured it would go down better now. You blame your new A on resentment due to her A instead of figuring out why that was the way to solve the resentment. You state you CAN'T help yourself when you contact your AP. Yes you can you're just not putting effort. I have to agree and ask if you want your marriage. You're wife kicked you out and your resolution crumbles because you have to deal with consequences? If every time life goes to shit and you're not getting proper attention your decision is to go to someone no matter who it is and get attention that's going to cause continuing issues for you.

You need to work on yourself, dig deep. Don't just say I did it because I needed attention, why did you need attention? Where does that need come from? Thats a starting point for doing digging and making changes. Your wife is hurting and wants to protect herself but that does not mean you don't have to do equal work to figure out how to live with the fact that she cheated on you. Being on both sides of this is shit, you have to figure out your own whys while dealing with the anger and resentment without comparing the A's. Feel free to post in the madhatter thread in the I Can Relate forum. A madhatter is someone who has cheated and been cheated on by yhe same partner. We can have some unique fucked up issues so it help to relate with someone else. Keep posting and working on you. Please read Maia's withdrawal guide in the wayward forum. Its an excellent resource for breaking your need for AP.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.

Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.


Posts: 2644 | Registered: Oct 2012
Kap12
♀ Member
Member # 41759
Default  Posted: 8:35 PM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can relate in some ways and I don't think you have hit rock bottom yet. First thing you need to do is stop with alcohol. Second get in counseling. You need to show your wife that the marriage and your family is what you want and actions speak louder than words. Once we have lied all credibility is over and you have to start from ground zero. Honestly until you hit rock bottom and only you will know when you do things won't change.

Posts: 61 | Registered: Dec 2013
Stillkicking
♂ Member
Member # 38246
Default  Posted: 2:55 PM, December 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for your comments. I have a lot of work to do for myself, I did some brief ic after my discoveries. I will be getting myself back into it after Christmas.

Take some responsibility, because you're not

This is a very accurate statement, not just now but through my entire life, I have been a user and so incredibly selfish. I have always relied on others to pick up the pieces in the wake of my destruction. I've never faced any major consequences for my actions. I have no regard for others feelings and desires just my own agenda. This will be a major issue for me to address if I am ever to be a safe person.

You need to work on yourself, dig deep. Don't just say I did it because I needed attention, why did you need attention? Where does that need come from? Thats a starting point for doing digging and making changes.

This is something that I have been exploring for the past year and have some theories but I believe that it is not something that I can achieve in my own mind without help.

Your wife is hurting and wants to protect herself but that does not mean you don't have to do equal work to figure out how to live with the fact that she cheated on you. Being on both sides of this is shit, you have to figure out your own whys while dealing with the anger and resentment without comparing the A's.

I believe that this is played a huge part in why I kept everything inside, fear of dealing with my own actions.

As for it being an exit, I struggled with this for a long time, and used it as a justification. It is not a reason nor was it right, and it was a part of my own selfish thinking.

I really like the idea of doing some public service, I will look into, thank you evolving.


You'll never learn to fly
until your standing at the cliff

I reserve my right to feel uncomfortable reserve my right to be afraid.
I make mistakes and I am humbled every step of the way.


Posts: 128 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Canada
Topic Posts: 7

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