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User Topic: 4 years & a now a fresh slap in the face...
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 8:47 AM, December 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You know Karma, I have a problem.(< really, not being snarky) I like to give people a chance and not make assumptions, give them the benefit of the doubt. It has often bitten me in the ass.

To be honest, when I thought more about this, if my FWH did this, I believe it would be a dealbreaker for me and I would be getting a divorce.

eta: left out words

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 9:24 AM, December 26th (Thursday)]

BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson

Posts: 9797 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
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Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, December 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You know Karma, I have a problem.(< really, not being snarky) I like to give people a chance and not make assumptions, give them the benefit of the doubt. It has often bitten me in the ass.

Yeah, SMS, I hear you I would normally give chances too, except this scenario here really is one of my deal breakers.

My H knows: If there is ANY broken NC that I am not informed of then I will walk, period.

It may seem harsh, but you know what? If he had broken NC and didn't tell me then I would have to get into the whole "when else did he see her and I don't know" crap...kwim? For me this deal-breaker is really to save my sanity.

If broken NC happened and it was innocent on his part or explainable and he called me or came home and told me, ok, we live in a small town it could happen....but to not tell me and throw me into bat-shit -crazy world ..I couldn't do it again.

I wouldn't ever take your words as snarky SMS, I think you give great advice.

sorry for the t/j

[This message edited by karmahappens at 10:52 AM, December 26th (Thursday)]

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3845 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 12:08 PM, December 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just found out that while he was visiting/staying with friends while on a work trip - that the other woman was also visiting them at the same time.

Sometimes things come up or just happen we are not prepared for. And maybe the OW just turned up and your WH was surprised.

Now IF he had come clean right away about that and told you. IF he had left so to not be around the OW. IF he had not stayed there.

The big problem I seen here is that WH did not tell you about this right away. He kept it a secret which you would discover later.

THAT is the big issue. The deal breaker. Not that he ran into OW. But that he kept it a secret.

Frankly if I were in your place I would be filling garbage bags with his stuff and putting them out on the curb.

Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.

Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man.
Friedrich Nietzsche

Posts: 3483 | Registered: Sep 2007
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Member # 4355
Default  Posted: 10:49 PM, December 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just to be clear, this happened after D-day, or before? I know you just found out but am not sure when it actually occurred.

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover-Mark Twain

Posts: 3138 | Registered: May 2004 | From: N. California
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Member # 6330
Default  Posted: 5:58 PM, December 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If he is deployed why was he staying with friends and not home? You said it was work travel but it's a little confusing.

Couple of questions:

1 - Why were these people still friends? Knowing that they had a hand in the destruction of your marriage, being with them should be off limits period.

2 - As soon as he found out that she was there he should of called you and just left entirely, not going back.

3 - before you assume how much the twins life will change, see an attorney and know your rights and what you are entitled to. Consult with someone - or several someones - that are familiar with military divorce.

4 - As for your kids seeing dad, if he's military his time with them will be limited to begin with. A divorce may not be that hard on them at this age. Is he regular military? Reserves/National Guard?

4 - Is he career military or does he intend to be? You need to make sure that you are not cut off financially from funds right now. You may need to get his CO involved.

5 - Is she military also? Again, if she is, you should contact his CO on this.


[This message edited by Mousse242 at 6:00 PM, December 27th (Friday)]

Posts: 5473 | Registered: Jan 2005 | From: Chicago
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Member # 29514
Default  Posted: 6:51 PM, December 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Take it from someone who planned the divorce for over a year, down to the day I would actually file. Obviously it's important to start saving money. Do without anything you can go without.

I did little things like got new tires on the car, 60,000 mile check-up, filled the tank, loaded the house with groceries, put away important documents (birth certificates, etc.). Copy bank statements, get a credit card in your own name, make sure the house is secure, get the furnace or A/C serviced, get a lot of light bulbs, toilet paper, paper towels, sanitary items, band-aids, tooth paste, tooth brushes.

You need to talk to an attorney and maybe open a P.O. Box to receive correspondence at. Find out what your state laws are on removing the children from the state. A lot of lawyers will give a free consultation. Write down questions to ask so you don't get stressed and forget.

Plan. Execute the plan. Review the plan.

Anything less than full disclosure and total transparency is pure bullshit. WARNING! No emotional pollution allowed.

Posts: 3698 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Georgia
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Member # 23547
Default  Posted: 7:11 PM, December 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wonder how likely is it he never really ended the A? Do you think he took it underground and this meeting at the friends was planned? Seems like a lot of coincidence.

FBS, been through the D marathon too.
Many D Days in April 2009
Multiple affairs, LTAs, and many OWs
Reconciled... There is hope! :)

Posts: 534 | Registered: Apr 2009
♀ Member
Member # 41761
Default  Posted: 7:22 PM, December 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ugg! That is terrible! Isn't it terrible that they just don't see that being honest from the get go is the best. He definitely should have told you that she was there. Finding out from any other source but him is just inexcusable. I'm sorry you have to deal with this! HUGS!

Always know if the juice is worth the squeeze...

ME: 31
WBF: 27
Together 7 years
1 doggie
DDay: June 24, 2013
IN R...

Posts: 565 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
Topic Posts: 28
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