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Newest Member: whatdoido21 (45321)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Something I find intriguing.
Bdell
Member
Member # 41673
Default  Posted: 11:48 PM, December 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It could be that she is more willing to "go to the wall" to stay married, than she is to stay married to me. If we are going to reconcile, she has to prove that she is in love with me, and not the security of marriage. It will probably be tough, but it has to be done.

Posts: 240 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Indiana
crossroads2010
♀ Member
Member # 30213
Default  Posted: 8:07 AM, December 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You have A LOT to process...BSs react to finding out about betayal in different ways...your kneejerk reaction to the shock was to consider betraying her back...for me, it was to just wlk around paralysed...almost zombie like for 6 months. Find an IC..this is a journey you will need help with.

The fact that you found out years later adds to the betrayal...my dday was 4 years ago...at tht time WH confessed to another A with same OW he had 20 years before that...to me that was like 20 years of lying to me. The more trust there was before the A, the harder it is to regain...I have had to accept that I will never probably regain it entirely.


Posts: 598 | Registered: Nov 2010
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 8:09 AM, December 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Crossroads- why do you stay? You seem to have a very realistic accepting attitude. I'm not there yet.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

The conditions we face do not define us. They remind us of who we are and who we want to be.


Posts: 5242 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 10:00 AM, December 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If we are going to reconcile, she has to prove that she is in love with me, and not the security of marriage.

Oh, man - that's what I want, too!

My problem is that 1) I don't think either of the 2 approaches you mention will provide proof, and 2) I don't know what will.

That's why I say you just have to observe and take risks. (And remember, both R & D pose risks.)


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10341 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
steadfast1973
♀ Member
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, December 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Only time, and continued fidelity will convince you of those things.


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2286 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
crossroads2010
♀ Member
Member # 30213
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, December 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You seem to have a very realistic accepting attitude.

Don't want to deviate from thread topic, but the why do I stay queston..why do any of us stay is a good question. There is no way to know...no real way to prove that the WS will not stray again and that even if they don't that they are staying in the relationship b/c they are truely remorseful and love us and not just because it is less traumatic than leaving. There are days when I wonder if I am staying b/c the fallout of my leaving would be so much. I accept the reality of the situation.

Bdell...there is really no way to tell if your W is regretful or truely remorseful at this point...time will tell you...listen to your heart and your gut feelings. Your situation is somewhat unique in that you found out so long after the A.


Posts: 598 | Registered: Nov 2010
Topic Posts: 26
Pages: 1 · 2

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