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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: looking for an old tag line
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 2:23 PM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Chicho)))


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 37272 | Registered: Sep 2007
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 3:22 PM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Chicho

Sending you strength for this difficult time.

I hope the 2 of you are able to reconnect and find your stride again. Sometimes we get stuck and lose it. Both BS's and WS's.

(((Chicho)))


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3793 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm relating on more than a few levels. Hoping that getting outside the holidays will bring some much needed clarity.

Big hugs.

(((Chicho)))


If you can't learn to enjoy your life when you have problems, you may never enjoy it because we'll always have problems. - Joyce Meyer

Posts: 17031 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 4:10 PM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Chico)))

The problem is, they've hid that part of them from us for a long time, so we don't really see it. As they work on that part, we don't or can't see the results as they happen. They are incremental and internal.

Wifehad5 offers some good wisdom here.

I might add that not only has the fWS hidden parts of them from us for a long time....pre-dating them ever meeting us even....but they have also hidden parts of themselves from THEMSELVES.

FOO coping mechanisms do this.

Mine did that to me. I bet you have seen things about yourself you would never thought were a part of you....even if it is just the RAGE you felt upon the betrayal of your spouse. But I bet there is at least one aspect to Chico that you were not aware of until this journey through adultery became a part of your world.

I offer this up as encouragement to find compassion for your spouse. It is helping me grow compassion for my spouse.

I "see" my spouse facing parts of her that she either never knew existed or knew and choose to ignore. I don't know which....she is still very much keeping things internal. But I am getting more and more skilled at picking up on the slightest changes in her body language that alert me to the fact that she is growing and changing.

Is it what a BS wants?...to have to pay extra close attention to their fWS to see if they are working on themselves. To see if they are going to hurt them again. No...its not.

But if we are offering R to the fWS there must be some easing of expectations. They will not get it perfectly...and, in our cases, will not get it as fast as we like them too. Trickle truthing and deception hurt our attempts at nurturing compassion for them....because it shows a WILLINGNESS to inflict more pain on us.

......but if you can find some peace and learn to interact with your spouse differently (part of learning to R is to do just that) you will find new ways to pick up on your spouses journey away from her adultery and grow past the habits, coping mechanisms that allowed adultery to be an option in the first place.

I totally agree a fWS needs to step up and step up HARD. I just want to gently nudge you to examine what that looks like....really looks like from your wifes perspective.

One thing I know it does NOT look like....it does NOT look like how I would step up. It can't. I react very differently to life than my wife does. To expect her to totally change and line up with how I have done life is unrealistic and is not healthy.

Look....I understand your angst right now. I could be there tomorrow. These feelings are shit....they cause me to spontaneously cry to this day, at very inopportune times. But feelings change.

2-5 years....you KNOW this already. Planes of lethal flatness....you KNOW about this too. BS's who, after years decide their fWS simply cannot do enough to repair the damage they caused can and do choose to D....you KNOW this too.

Are some of your angst due to you feeling trapped?

This often is a root that causes similar feelings in me.

You always have choices. It sucks to have to weigh so much with every feeling we have since DD....sucks because our fWW's never did this hard work. They skipped it and chose adultery.

A fWS has shown their BS that they CAN avoid this tough work. That same fWS has never had their confidence in their BS shaken like that. Oh, they might have THOUGHT they tried "everything", but they never had the true pain of betrayal shoved on them.

In fact, as in your case, your fWW has the "new" revelation that you will choose to love them even when they abandon you.

This has to rock their world. The spouse who they forsake so completely, maybe believing they never shared love so it was okay to cheat, could find the courage to offer R to them.

It is a tough thing to face.

I know it appears broevil is slacking....but I would bet money she is struggling harder than she ever thought she could....and is struggling more than you think she is.

rambling post....hope I brought you some comfort.

God be with us all.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3609 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
MovingUpward
♂ Guide
Member # 14866
Default  Posted: 9:49 PM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Chicho)))

I am sorry to hear of your struggles. I really don't have any advice, but I want to send some SI mojo your way.

If I could afford it I'd send you 2 skee-ball machines. You and Broevil really seemed to have had fun together that day in NJ on the boardwalk.


AKA Moo

Think of the haters in your life as sandpaper; they’ll scratch you up time and time again but in the end you’re polished, smooth, and spotless..while they end up useless

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.


Posts: 51938 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Big Blue Nation
AFrayedKnot
♂ Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 10:20 PM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Moo

I think that is exactly what I needed to hear.


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2560 | Registered: Aug 2012
ItsaClimb
♀ Member
Member # 37107
Default  Posted: 4:05 AM, December 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

{{Chicho}} You've been a support to me on a number of occasions, hate to see you suffering.

Year 2 is a bitch. The holiday season seems to add an extra layer of misery. Hoping that the new year gives us all a shot of... I don't know... courage? Perseverance? Happiness? Motivation? All of the above??


BS 46
Together 29 yrs, M 25 years
2 daughters 24yo(married with a brand new little daughter) & 19yo
D-Day 18 Aug 2012
6mth EA lead to 4mth PA with CO-W. I found out 8 1/2 yrs later

Posts: 945 | Registered: Oct 2012
MovingUpward
♂ Guide
Member # 14866
Default  Posted: 9:34 PM, December 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey chicho, how are you doing today?


AKA Moo

Think of the haters in your life as sandpaper; they’ll scratch you up time and time again but in the end you’re polished, smooth, and spotless..while they end up useless

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.


Posts: 51938 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Big Blue Nation
AFrayedKnot
♂ Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 9:47 PM, December 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Moo,
Thanks for checking in. It was a crazy but good day with a house full of inlaws and friends.

Where I'm at?...I've had enough but i'm not done, if that makes sense. We have been talking a lot when we can. We'll see what happens.

I found some peace for today.


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2560 | Registered: Aug 2012
MovingUpward
♂ Guide
Member # 14866
Default  Posted: 10:50 PM, December 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm glad that you found some peace today. May more peace come tomorrow


AKA Moo

Think of the haters in your life as sandpaper; they’ll scratch you up time and time again but in the end you’re polished, smooth, and spotless..while they end up useless

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.


Posts: 51938 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Big Blue Nation
MrsDoubtfire
♀ Member
Member # 24786
Default  Posted: 1:37 AM, December 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Chico)))

It might be my tagline you are looking for?

I and FWH fought hard to get to a place where I could say that tagline.


BS(Me) FWH(Him) DDay 05.09
A went underground. True R 02.10
I won't let another woman reap the benefit of enjoying the man my H has now become†

Posts: 1571 | Registered: Jul 2009
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, December 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey, Chicho. One of those awkward do-I-or-don't-I one-handed Bro hugs from me to you.

Maybe take this time to figure out what kind of stuff brings you joy as Chicho the individual? I'm not saying to neglect your marriage or anything, but maybe spend less time worrying and thinking about your wife's 'progress' and your marriage and more of that time finding cool shit to do?


"The thing that always seems to be shocking to wayward wives is the simple fact that the man you choose to reconcile with is not the same man you cheated on." - a friend.

Posts: 2024 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
DixieD
♀ Member
Member # 33457
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, December 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Chicho,

I think we all get this way, at least I know we have at times. We get busy and it's easy for life to get in the way. Plus this is a particularly busy time of year.

We try to find a balance between not working so much we burn ourselves out (that was happening in the beginning) and not so little that we feel nothing is happening and fear sets in that we are slacking off or starting to feel disconnected. Ideally both agree on what that balance is, check in with each other regularly and recognize when it's shifting one way or the other. Schedule time to correct it if needed. IMO, it's a continual mindful process and easy to get sidetracked. And of course Year 2 just sucked in general.

I hope you have just hit a holiday slump. Peace for both of you this holiday season and for 2014.


Growing forward

Posts: 1767 | Registered: Sep 2011
Topic Posts: 33
Pages: 1 · 2

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