The problem is, they've hid that part of them from us for a long time, so we don't really see it. As they work on that part, we don't or can't see the results as they happen. They are incremental and internal.
Wifehad5 offers some good wisdom here.
I might add that not only has the fWS hidden parts of them from us for a long time....pre-dating them ever meeting us even....but they have also hidden parts of themselves from THEMSELVES.
FOO coping mechanisms do this.
Mine did that to me. I bet you have seen things about yourself you would never thought were a part of you....even if it is just the RAGE you felt upon the betrayal of your spouse. But I bet there is at least one aspect to Chico that you were not aware of until this journey through adultery became a part of your world.
I offer this up as encouragement to find compassion for your spouse. It is helping me grow compassion for my spouse.
I "see" my spouse facing parts of her that she either never knew existed or knew and choose to ignore. I don't know which....she is still very much keeping things internal. But I am getting more and more skilled at picking up on the slightest changes in her body language that alert me to the fact that she is growing and changing.
Is it what a BS wants?...to have to pay extra close attention to their fWS to see if they are working on themselves. To see if they are going to hurt them again. No...its not.
But if we are offering R to the fWS there must be some easing of expectations. They will not get it perfectly...and, in our cases, will not get it as fast as we like them too. Trickle truthing and deception hurt our attempts at nurturing compassion for them....because it shows a WILLINGNESS to inflict more pain on us.
......but if you can find some peace and learn to interact with your spouse differently (part of learning to R is to do just that) you will find new ways to pick up on your spouses journey away from her adultery and grow past the habits, coping mechanisms that allowed adultery to be an option in the first place.
I totally agree a fWS needs to step up and step up HARD. I just want to gently nudge you to examine what that looks like....really looks like from your wifes perspective.
One thing I know it does NOT look like....it does NOT look like how I would step up. It can't. I react very differently to life than my wife does. To expect her to totally change and line up with how I have done life is unrealistic and is not healthy.
Look....I understand your angst right now. I could be there tomorrow. These feelings are shit....they cause me to spontaneously cry to this day, at very inopportune times. But feelings change.
2-5 years....you KNOW this already. Planes of lethal flatness....you KNOW about this too. BS's who, after years decide their fWS simply cannot do enough to repair the damage they caused can and do choose to D....you KNOW this too.
Are some of your angst due to you feeling trapped?
This often is a root that causes similar feelings in me.
You always have choices. It sucks to have to weigh so much with every feeling we have since DD....sucks because our fWW's never did this hard work. They skipped it and chose adultery.
A fWS has shown their BS that they CAN avoid this tough work. That same fWS has never had their confidence in their BS shaken like that. Oh, they might have THOUGHT they tried "everything", but they never had the true pain of betrayal shoved on them.
In fact, as in your case, your fWW has the "new" revelation that you will choose to love them even when they abandon you.
This has to rock their world. The spouse who they forsake so completely, maybe believing they never shared love so it was okay to cheat, could find the courage to offer R to them.
It is a tough thing to face.
I know it appears broevil is slacking....but I would bet money she is struggling harder than she ever thought she could....and is struggling more than you think she is.
rambling post....hope I brought you some comfort.
God be with us all.