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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: To all new members
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 10:22 AM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm posting this to all new members. This site is slow on non-working days, and with the holidays here, I expect it will be slower than normal for a week or so.

For some reason, the holidays seem to really bring out the discoveries of affairs. It's so very hard, and you may feel like you've done something wrong, or you deserve this, or if you had been a better XXXXX then this wouldn't have happened.

Please know this isn't true. Your spouse cheated because they have problems. They have very poor coping skills and took a very cheap way to feeling better. Even if your marriage wasn't great, even if you yelled and screamed and threw things and are as big as a house or as thin as a string and have big/small breasts/penis and are tall/short, blonde/brunette/redhead, outgoing/shy, etc., this is not your fault. Your spouse had hundreds of options, and they chose the most destructive one possible. They own this A, 100%. They could have talked to you, joined a club with people of similar interests, gone to counseling, looked for a new job, and if nothing else worked they could have left. Instead they left you in the dark and found someone as broken inside as they are and had an affair.

Never, in the history of the world, has a marriage been saved by an affair. Never has dragging a horrible problem into your life improved your life. Never. The decision to cheat was the wrong one, on every level. It is a decision made by people that are incapable of discussing how they feel, what they need, who they are. Instead they lie, sneak around, and do things that the average person would find reprehensible. This is their fault. You did not cause this.

Please take care of yourself. Often eating and sleeping are impossible. Get some Boost or Ensure shakes for nutrition. It isn't the best nutrition, and some food is best, but the 'infidelity diet' is very real, and getting some nutrition is very important. You need it to keep your brain functioning as well as your body, and you will want to remember things from these critical first few days.

Your doctor can prescribe some anti-anxiety medication. It helps, trust me. It won't solve all of your problems, but it will take the edge off slightly and allow you to cope better.

Sleep is very important. Sleep is often difficult and broken after the discovery of infidelity. Some can't sleep at all, others can sleep only for a few hours. Some over the counter sleeping aid can help tremendously. Again, you need sleep for a clear head.

If there is another betrayed spouse on the other end of this affair, please tell him/her. You would want to know if they had been the one to discover the A. Yes, giving them this news will hurt them, just as it's hurt you, but again, would you rather not know? Of course not. Please tell them. Do NOT tell your spouse you'll be informing the OBS. They will warn the AP (affair partner) who will tell OBS that you are crazy, jealous, out to get him/her, etc. Just find them and let them know. Offer proof, because no one wants to believe their spouse cheated. Giving them the truth isn't hurting them. Their spouse hurt them. You are just giving them the real truth about their life. Also, and this is big, you will have a partner that will also be watching what the affair partners are doing. If you are the only one watching, it is very easy for them to take the A underground. If another is watching? It becomes much harder. Telling is a very good thing for many reasons.

If you have a job, take a day or two off if you can. You need to really get yourself together, and the first few days are so mind numbing that some real rest is needed. If you'd rather work to keep your mind occupied, then do so, but if not, then speak with your boss to see what is available.

Find a counselor. Counseling helps so much. I never thought it would, but it does. Having someone to talk to that isn't judging or gossiping, or protecting themselves, is wonderful. There are some great ICs out there, and some not so great. Find one that you like and are comfortable with.

Stay away from OM/OW! They are not your friend. They slept with a married man/woman. They are not good people while in the A at least. They will lie to protect themselves, to minimize what happened, to avoid you telling their BS, and a variety of other reasons. Cheaters lie - and that is not just for your spouse, but the other person as well. This person, OM/OW, cannot help you. They have nothing to offer you, and speaking to them will get you lies, or hurt. They can say some very cruel, hurtful things. They want your spouse. Remember that! They are of NO use to you. They aren't important, either. Your spouse and his reasons for cheating are important. AP was just someone that stroked their ego and made them feel wanted, which is why they had the affair most likely.

Recovering from an affair is hard, and it hurts. The generally accepted time frame is 2 - 5 years to fully heal. You've been betrayed by the one person you thought was there for you no matter what. Your world has been torn apart by this news. You are no longer sure of anything anymore. You will wonder if your entire marriage is a lie. The answer here is no. WSs 'rewrite' the marital history. They tell themselves they aren't happy, that they deserve this, that BS is not nice/doesn't love them/is a bad person/they shouldn't have married them/etc. They do this because if they admit to themselves they have betrayed a good person that loves them, then they are pure scum. To accept themselves, they turn you into scum in their minds, and the marriage into a living hell. It's untrue, but they may say these things to you to justify what they've done. Try to ignore it. It hurts, but please understand it isn't true. You were there too. You know the truth.

I'm so sorry that you've discovered this betrayal by your spouse. It's not fair, and there is no logic to it. It isn't your fault.

I'm sure I've forgotten many things. I hope other members will chime in with anything I've forgotten. Thank you.


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1888 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
bufffalo
♂ Member
Member # 21854
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good advice.....I concur.

Bufffalo


DDay 9/25/2008
R started 11/10/08
BH-me

Posts: 5819 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Texas
million tears
♀ Member
Member # 24416
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great post.

If you haven't already confronted your WS, try to get as much proof as you can before you do. This will save you from TT and lies. Proof, proof, proof. They can't deny the proof. (although some try)


2 year LTA-double betrayal, D-day 1-26-2009 and many months of TT. 2 more recent d-days-way overstepped boundaries.

Married 27 years. Together 29.

3 children 24, 21, 14

OW sex addict and romance addict according to MC.


Posts: 1663 | Registered: Jun 2009
MaybeNothing
♀ New Member
Member # 41756
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you, I needed to read this today.

Posts: 6 | Registered: Dec 2013
greengiant
♂ Member
Member # 41196
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'll add that if you can't afford counselling, don't keep this to yourself. Find someone you can trust and won't judge you. If you want reconciliation, consider that talking to someone who knows you both may make him/her choose a "side". But don't go through this alone.

You will go through a lot of feelings, and you will find the roller coaster ride hard, but you will eventually feel better. Go through what you are feelings, or it will be eventually explode.

And trust your guts!


ME - BS - 33
fWW - 33
Married 8 years, together 15
3 kids: 6, 4 and 2
D-Day: September 30th, 2013
She had a 6 weeks A with a COW

Posts: 145 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Quebec, Canada
Calli0pe
♀ New Member
Member # 41683
Default  Posted: 8:05 PM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for this.


Me: BS, 35
Him: WS, 37
Married 5.5 years, friends for 10 before that
D-Day: Nov 29 2013
"Massage" parlors & Casual Encounters
Working on R, not sure I can live with it.

Posts: 39 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: North Texas
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 8:24 PM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was served divorce papers on Christmas day.
Here at SI you are loved and supported.

Merry Christmas! I can actually say that.

You WILL survive!


Posts: 6541 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Zayda1
♀ Member
Member # 35387
Default  Posted: 8:35 PM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great post!


Married 9 years, together for 11 years
2 children (7 years & 4 years)
Discovery of PA 04/15/12 (It only lasted a "couple of weeks" but it still shattered my world.)

Posts: 465 | Registered: Apr 2012
justjim
♂ Member
Member # 41150
Default  Posted: 8:55 PM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You've been betrayed by the one person you thought was there for you no matter what. Your world has been torn apart by this news. You are no longer sure of anything anymore. You will wonder if your entire marriage is a lie. The answer here is no. WSs 'rewrite' the marital history. They tell themselves they aren't happy, that they deserve this, that BS is not nice/doesn't love them/is a bad person/they shouldn't have married them/etc. They do this because if they admit to themselves they have betrayed a good person that loves them, then they are pure scum. To accept themselves, they turn you into scum in their minds, and the marriage into a living hell. It's untrue, but they may say these things to you to justify what they've done. Try to ignore it. It hurts, but please understand it isn't true. You were there too. You know the truth.

I need to have this tattooed on my forehead. This is EXACTLY what she has done.


Follow your BRAIN.
Your HEART is stupid as shit.

Posts: 294 | Registered: Oct 2013
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 9:04 PM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lovely post, painfulpast.

I'm here with hugs as much as I can be over the next few days.


(((SI)))


It is better to be slapped with the truth than kissed with a lie. -Russian Proverb

Posts: 17078 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
nolight
♀ Member
Member # 32785
Default  Posted: 5:16 AM, December 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great post! at this time of year when the lost and lonely find it hardest to cope and I'm so glad to see that someone has reached out with a reminder that people are not alone in their pain although this site will get a little quiet.

Depression and self harm are sadly prevalent over the holidays so many social and community services increase their manning. If you need help please reach out.


Posts: 483 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Hawaii
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 5:59 AM, December 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

people are not alone in their pain

This^^^^^

We are not alone, and the new members that will have a DDay over the next few days are not alone either. This site has over 40,000 members. 40,000 people that have been affected by infidelity. No, none of us are alone.

Not all members still post, but many do. We will be here, sporadically, throughout the holidays. You are not alone. Please read some things in The Healing Library - found in the little yellow box on the upper left part of your screen. There are things there that are invaluable to know.


Thank you all for the kind words on the post - I just want people that are just arriving to have a little insight and realize this is not their fault.

Again - this is NOT your fault.


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1888 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
mchercheur
♀ Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 6:07 AM, December 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And please remember that you are not alone. We all know how you feel and have your back. Come here if you are hurting, it will help. It has been a lifesaver for me.


together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1364 | Registered: Dec 2012
shiloe
♀ Member
Member # 1224
Default  Posted: 7:45 AM, December 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you haven't already confronted your WS, try to get as much proof as you can before you do. This will save you from TT and lies. Proof, proof, proof. They can't deny the proof. (although some try)

This is very important. I know how hard it is not to confront right away, but if you don't have undisputable proof, they will do/say any thing to make you doubt yourself.

Keep posting here, you will get amazing support.


But remember, good love is hard to find . . -Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers
BS - 54
Cheater -54
Married 26 yrs
DD - 21 DD -19 DS-17
A#1 2000 with married ho-worker/neighbor ow#1
A#2 2007-? OW#2 LTA with married ho-worker. Kicked him out, he filed

Posts: 589 | Registered: Mar 2003
Jules1111
♀ Member
Member # 41463
Default  Posted: 7:50 AM, December 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Beautifully written.

Posts: 132 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: United States
ziganska
♀ Member
Member # 41690
Default  Posted: 8:29 AM, December 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Amazingly helpful--thank you so much!


Me: 42
Him: 49
DD: 12/2/2013
Married: 9 years but together for 15
Recovering, Reconciling, Rebuilding, Restoring

Posts: 123 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: New York
lordhasaplan?
♂ Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 9:10 AM, December 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Perfect!
We try to get out to help over the holiday. But if you have read this far also visit the healing library. Great resources for JFO newbies while others aren't around.


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1890 | Registered: Nov 2010
sudra
♀ Member
Member # 30143
Default  Posted: 6:29 AM, December 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just bumping this up for anyone new here today - before it falls off of the page!


Me (BW) (54), Him(SAWH) (57)
Married 21 years, 1 son (19), 1 stepdaughter (27)
DDay #1 January 2004
DDay #2 7-27-2010 7 month EA/PA (became "engaged" to OW before he told me he wanted a divorce)
Working on R

Posts: 1457 | Registered: Nov 2010
Topic Posts: 18

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