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User Topic: Let's be friends... Or else!
GotPlayed
♂ Member
Member # 41294
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I had given my WW one last chance to do the separation in-home by asking her for some conditions, which included no contact with the OM.

Her response?

"I just want us to be friends. I don't want you to be mad at me".

I told her friends didn't backstab friends. Friends don't betray friends, and friends tell each other about their feelings and problems. We're not friends by any stretch of the imagination. Sorry, but we are not friends.

She said "she was saying it for the benefit of the kids". I told her - call me in whichever way you want to rationalize it for whoever you want to rationalize it, but we're not friends. I'll never call you a friend. I can be a good co-parent, and I can cooperate for the sake of our kids.

She left, very angry.
I removed her from my Facebook friends list.
She blocked me (well, saves me having to do it).

Later that night I went into the master bedroom (I'm in the guest room) because I heard my daughter crying. After I came in she started telling her how "we were all going to be friends", kept emphasizing the "friends".

So what's with the need for emotional manipulation? She wants a freaking separation and divorce, why should she care what I think of her? Freaking nut!

So now I am here, on the 23rd, Xmas tomorrow, not knowing whether or not I should return home. No Real Estate agent wants to show me apartments this week. I looked at some long-term stay hotels, nothing seems palatable. I may just stay here in the office and "have a lot of work" for the next few days.

Anyway, merry Christmas everyone.


Master of my Fate, Captain of my Soul.
BS 42, WW 41. 18y married
DD: 11/5/13
DS10 Autism, DD8
OM: Reformed wife-beater ex-con
D filed 1/14/14 by WW (never warn them, they'll get ahead)
Married a powder keg

Posts: 690 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: California
trumanshow
♀ Member
Member # 25624
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's all about -no surprise-them!!

If you can be "friends" you can: reflect back to her that she/her actions are ok, you can drink her koolaid about her rewriting history-and help others drink it

There won't be any pesky consequences for HER actions

It's a win for her!


Your ex wanting to be friends is like asking a kidnapper to stay in touch when they let you go.

The type of fierce loyalty that I possess made me incapable of comprehending the level of disloyalty that he possessed


Posts: 1746 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Charlotte, NC
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You should return home. It's probably best for your kids if they believe you are friends, even if you aren't, so I wouldn't let that get to you. Just perceive it from the eyes of a child. When they're older, they'll know you aren't friends, but for a child thinking mommy and daddy care about each other is important. It's a layer of security.

If she has not agreed to your conditions, then no, I'd end the in-house separation. But if all she's done is comfort your daughter with something that isn't true but isn't harmful to anyone to believe, then I'd ignore it.


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1888 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
Dreamboat
♀ Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 11:15 AM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you are her friend then what she did is not that bad. It all goes back to justifications. She can say to herself "See? He is my friend. I must be a good person because he is my friend. He is ok with what I did."


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17606 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
GotPlayed
♂ Member
Member # 41294
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's the thing. She did not agree to the conditions. She said the letter "showed my thought process, but wasn't romantic enough". She didn't address any of the points of the letter directly. She refuses to show any remorse.

She then immediately switched conversation to money (she doesn't work, claims to be looking for a job, for which she just bought a new wardrobe on credit, and signed up to crossfit classes, because I guess you gotta look good).

She wanted to know if she could keep the house, and how much I was going to pay in rent when I left (I'm going to be renting a house that fits my kids; she thought it was too much, she wanted me in a tiny apartment - still trying to manipulate me past where she has a right to).

Right now I can't even look at her. She refuses to leave her fantasy land and it's hell to pay if someone messes with it.


Master of my Fate, Captain of my Soul.
BS 42, WW 41. 18y married
DD: 11/5/13
DS10 Autism, DD8
OM: Reformed wife-beater ex-con
D filed 1/14/14 by WW (never warn them, they'll get ahead)
Married a powder keg

Posts: 690 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: California
GotPlayed
♂ Member
Member # 41294
Default  Posted: 12:28 PM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She's mad because she found out I have a lawyer as advisor for the mediation. I guess she thought she could railroad me.

There's nowhere for me to go. I live in the boondocks so there's no hotels with weekly/monthly rates around here, and the holidays mean that there's nowhere for me to stay. I have no friends who are single, so can't stay with any of them either.

So I guess it's back home for me. Back to limbo. I'm locking my room. My lawyer keeps warning me to be careful, she's not well and she may try something stupid.

Tired of having her control this freaking process. Can't wait to rent a place and have some control of my life for a change.


Master of my Fate, Captain of my Soul.
BS 42, WW 41. 18y married
DD: 11/5/13
DS10 Autism, DD8
OM: Reformed wife-beater ex-con
D filed 1/14/14 by WW (never warn them, they'll get ahead)
Married a powder keg

Posts: 690 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: California
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She has no job but bought a new wardrobe on credit? And how is she going to pay for that? I hope your name isn't on that credit card!

If she doesn't work, why doesn't she leave? She won't be able to afford the place, so let her live in the tiny apartment.

She's nuts, isn't she?


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1888 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
GotPlayed
♂ Member
Member # 41294
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

painfulpast,

The credit card we both use is in her name, but it's common debt. Having said that, don't worry, I have the receipts for the last year and a lawyer. Everything can become part of the negotiation....

I figure the separation started when she put me in the guest room. I know exactly the date that happened. The wardrobe was bought after that.

Looking at Real Estate this afternoon and most likely getting an extended stay hotel - after all, I can afford to pay that back since I have a good job.

And I need to draw some clear boundaries. Right now the mess she has (keeping me in the house, making me take care of the kids whenever she wants to go wherever she wants to go) just enables her and lets her cake-eat.

And that's over as of today. She's not happy.

Sad that it has to be over Christmas, and she's going to blame me for hurting the kids (though oddly enough she didn't care about that when she introduced them to her "friend"), but I need to be out of there. She truly is nuts and may try something stupid if I don't.


Master of my Fate, Captain of my Soul.
BS 42, WW 41. 18y married
DD: 11/5/13
DS10 Autism, DD8
OM: Reformed wife-beater ex-con
D filed 1/14/14 by WW (never warn them, they'll get ahead)
Married a powder keg

Posts: 690 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: California
IGaveItMyAll
♂ Member
Member # 38622
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WW tried that crap with me when we were seperated. "I hope that one day we can have a good friendship and get together on the holidays with our kids and our new spouses and still have a good time and be civil"

I told her I have no interest in being friends with her. That we will never be "friends." I am an all or nothing kind of gy and I don't step backwards lol We made it seem like no big deal for our son. But he now knows what happened.

Sometimes you just have to let them go to see if they will pull their head out of their ass.


ME-BS 34
FWW-28
M 6 Yrs
DDAY- 8/20/12
R

Posts: 332 | Registered: Mar 2013
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 6:51 PM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"Friends." Honestly, I guess the vaccum of the A sucks the brains right out of their heads!

During my in-house separation, my FWH was trying to be my friend. I had detached pretty much and was making my own plans which was making him feel insecure, I guess. We sat down to talk about some damned thing, can't remember, but I remember him saying something about how we could continue to be friends.

I looked him dead in the eyes and said, I will not be your friend. I will not be your lover. I will not be in your life. If I file for divorce, then it's over. I will not be here to comfort you. I will not hold you. I will not be available for you to talk to, to text, or to email. You will become dead to me and I will not accept any communication from you whatsoever. You will have cost me 21 wasted years of marriage, you will have taken away 1/2 of my relatives, those who are your siblings and who I love and who love me. You will have caused me to go tell my parents and my grandmother, who love you dearly, that you were unfaithful and that we are divorcing. These are not the acts of friends, and I will sever every bond that we have, the minute that the divorce papers are filed. Make no mistake, you will NOT be a part of my life and I will find joy without you.

In my case, he looked into the abyss, understood it, and backed away. It certainly helped that we had no children. But I made it as clear as I possibly could, that friendship was an honor that I reserved for people *I* chose.

I'll be thinking good thoughts for you, in the next few days.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4727 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Girlietoo
♀ Member
Member # 38719
Default  Posted: 8:40 PM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm very sorry you are going through that. I can't imagine how difficult it would be to do an in-house separation when infidelity is involved, especially at Christmas.

I hope 2014 treats you well.


Me- 40
Him- 47
March 9, 2013- the day my heart died

Posts: 247 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Canada
Topic Posts: 11

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