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User Topic: I can't free my mind of the A
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 5:04 PM, December 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Re: the "passion" that everyone is speaking of...

Most (not all) but most affairs are a front. We waltz around, sucking in our tummies, working out, bleaching our teeth, tanning, sending supah-sexy selfies, dressing to the 9s, and showing the best, prettiest, most flattering parts of ourselves.

That passion everyone is gaga over? Yeah, that's all the time, effort, money, and thought you are putting into the illicit relationship. If you were to take that same time, effort, money, and thought into your marriage, you might actually find passion there.

You wanna gripe about losing the passion in your marriage or that "it was never there"? Give me a break. First of all, if it really "was never there to begin with", then why the crap did you marry them? Be sure you aren't rewriting marital history to get yourself off the hook. Second of all, life happens. We gain weight, we work long hours, the kids are puking all over the carpet, the car breaks down. That's real life. The person we share that life with? They see every angle of us. The good, the bad, and the ugly. And they choose to love us, in spite of it all.

A marriage is work. A marriage is not disposable. And if you really think that getting a divorce and "starting over" again will fix your issues, think again honey. Because that new relationship you seek? Yeah, the passion is going to fade out of that one too. Cause life will set in. What are you going to do? Ditch that person too?

I don't know if I can do all the work involved to get there with my husband.
That is an incredibly selfish statement. You can "do all the work" to keep an affair partner, but you can't do all the work to fix your existing relationship. Can't? Or won't?

[This message edited by Aubrie at 5:04 PM, December 27th (Friday)]


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6254 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
Daisy1967
♀ Member
Member # 41627
Default  Posted: 5:09 PM, December 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honey, even though I am about at the end of my marriage, just trust me on this one thing.

The other guy is not worth it. He doesn't love you and never did. You were used. You were a convenience. A thrill. That is all.

I also allowed my stupid self to be charmed by a slick talking piece of dog doo. Let him live with me for a month until I got my damn sanity back. Then continued to have low contact until I finally just said NO MORE.

He is now engaged to some poor thing, and soliciting money on the internet for a wedding and adoption of a child they want to adopt. Sheesh!


Posts: 70 | Registered: Dec 2013
JustDesserts
♂ Member
Member # 39665
Default  Posted: 5:38 PM, December 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@confused43 - you wrote these words:

In the beginning he made me feel fantastic, but that slowly faded and when I felt insecure he did nothing to reassure me yet still wanted to see me.

Please see them for what they are. In YOUR OWN WORDS...you are afraid of YOU. The passion you lack is not something you can find elsewhere, even with a thousand men who aren't your poor husband who doesn't know you cheated on him.

The passion you lack is the passion you need to see when you look in the mirror. If you're feeling insecure...that's a YOU fix YOU thing. Not something some loverboy can or should be asked to do. He was your dildo. You were his blow up doll. That's not love. That's not passion.

Right now, I feel sad for you...and more so for your husband. You sound very foggy and selfish. I know, I've been there. I'm one of the co-authors of the book "Self-Delusional Grandiosity 101". I'm a PhD...

JD

P.S. I was an utterly fantastic dildo in my xAP's drawer. Just, like, an astonishing and wonderful first team All-American.

[This message edited by JustDesserts at 5:42 PM, December 27th (Friday)]


2 year EA/PA. DDay 3/12. Broke NC 6/13 w/one stupid 5 line e-mail (which brought me to SI). Me: WH, 50. Her: BW, 49. Married 19 years. Two kids. Dog. Reconciling...together.

Posts: 403 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Suburbia, New England, USA
JustDesserts
♂ Member
Member # 39665
Default  Posted: 5:46 PM, December 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@Aubrie:

We waltz around, sucking in our tummies, working out, bleaching our teeth, tanning, sending supah-sexy selfies, dressing to the 9s, and showing the best, prettiest, most flattering parts of ourselves.

LOL on "supah-sexy selfies". Snorted my mini marshmallow hot chocolate through my nose onto my Christmas Rudolf sweater. I'm sending you the bill!

The rest of Aubrie's treatise on passion is well worth reading again and again.

Word, Aubrie.

JD


2 year EA/PA. DDay 3/12. Broke NC 6/13 w/one stupid 5 line e-mail (which brought me to SI). Me: WH, 50. Her: BW, 49. Married 19 years. Two kids. Dog. Reconciling...together.

Posts: 403 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Suburbia, New England, USA
aLostSoul
♀ New Member
Member # 41758
Default  Posted: 5:51 PM, December 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Aubrie - harsh? yes. But do I agree? Yes, I do. I know that the A was a fantasy land. It wasn't real life. I have said that before. I also know that I tried hard to be sexy for the OM. When I think back to why I married my H, I realize I was young. I didn't know what passion was. I was looking for a nice man who people liked (my previous boyfriend was a goof that people thought was weird), someone who would be a good father and had similar goals as I did. That's what I got. I was excited to have sex with him at first. But the passion I felt in the affair? No. We didn't have that. I wasn't looking for that when I was choosing a life partner. I didn't know to look for it.

I want to do the work. I want to have a strong marriage. But can you make yourself feel something that doesn't come naturally? My BH doesn't need me to waltz around sucking in my tummy, work out and bleach my teeth. He still has the feelings. It is me that is struggling with my feelings towards him. I want to be passionate about him. He is a good man. A VERY GOOD MAN. But I don't know how to change the way I am feeling. Maybe it just takes time?

[This message edited by aLostSoul at 5:52 PM, December 27th (Friday)]


Posts: 14 | Registered: Dec 2013
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 6:19 PM, December 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LOL on "supah-sexy selfies". Snorted my mini marshmallow hot chocolate through my nose onto my Christmas Rudolf sweater. I'm sending you the bill!

aLostSoul, the truth is harsh. We have built up a fantasy world in the closet of our mind. When someone shines a flashlight on us, it's blinding. It's brutal.

I think that passion is overrated. I really do. Love and/or passion isn't what you see in the movies. Lets face it, if we walked around in a world where this mind blowing "passion" existed at all times, we'd stay in a constant state of euphoria that would be dangerous for the rest of society. To expect or want that rush of passion all the time? Completely unrealistic. Life ain't Disney.

I married very young too. Barely 18. I came out of a three year, emotionally abusive relationship, straight into a relationship with QS. Did I know what love was? Shoot no. I thought I did. I also knew QS was safe. I knew he was a good man. I knew he was what alot of people wanted their daughters to marry. He felt right. He felt safe. And I was drawn to the good qualities that existed in him.

I thought I knew what love was. And I loved QS in the best way I knew how. Sadly, it was emotionally stunted and terribly crippled and I hurt him badly in the 10 years of our marriage. Do I think I know what love is now? Well, I know what a healthy, respectable, honest relationship looks like. I know what our love looks like. And I've discovered I'm totally happy with it. There are moments of that mind-blowing passion that people dream of. But I don't require it on a daily basis.

Part of that process has been finding inner-peace, respect, and love for myself. Fixing the stuff in me has helped me love and care about people in a much healthier, more authentic way.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6254 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
Alyssamd24
♀ Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 6:39 PM, December 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But the passion I felt in the affair? No. We didn't have that.

ALostSoul,
I wonder if the passion you felt in the A was the A itself rather than the actual OM....the act of doing something forbidden, the rushing adrenaline....I felt the same type of passion the first time I kissed my AP....it was exciting and dangerous.

My BH and I have been together for 11 years...when we first met we had that passion.....but overtime I think it goes away because life happens...and as a couple you need to do what you need to reignite it....a date night, lingerie, role playing, whatever works for the two of you.

From my own experience it was hard to feel that passion and love towards my BH during my A cuz I was still foggy and addicted to the A and my AP....I focused more on that rather than my relationship with my BH.

I think you can do the work. It will probably take a long time and lots of work....but the first thing you need to do is move past your AP.


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 854 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
confused43
♀ Member
Member # 41802
Default  Posted: 8:30 PM, December 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I want to "want to" do the work. I'm just not there yet, but I'm trying. I know my family is worth it. My heart and my head aren't on the same page yet. I am going to IC, reading books, visiting websites like this one. Yes I was selfish, no kidding, aren't we all that have affairs. But I also know myself and can admit that I'm not completely ready to give my marriage 100%. Maybe if I was caught, or probably if I was caught I'd feel different because then it would be a different story. I'd see it all slipping away quickly and panic. Because there has been no discovery I'm still living inbetween worlds I think.

I do love my husband and care about him, but obviously not enough to not have the affair. So I live with guilt for now and do the best I can.

I think anyone having affairs has insecure moments. When someone doesnt email when you think they should etc you start to wonder. That is the nature of the beast in many non affair relationships too. That is why I'm more direct and don't beat around the bush. I don't want to play games, just be honest. So when it was good, it was very good but when insecurities started setting in I started to feel uncertain about the other guys feelings for me. He is different than me and avoids uncomfortable situations, and I take them head on so i can move on. I don't think I'm more insecure than the next person but in love/lust there is an amount of insecurities.

I don't believe that all men are out to use women and hurt us. I believe often they are just like we are. Wanting that connection. They are not all liars, just like we aren't either. It's not fair to put everyone in the same box. Especially when it comes to affairs, everyone is different. There may be some of the same elements and patterns but they are unique. So to say that everyone get's used is not true in my mind.

I agree that eventually passion fades, however I think there are ways to keep it alive if you want to do the work. It needs to be nurtured and taken care of or it will fade. For my marriage it faded, not sure it was all there to begin with. I married him because I loved him, great guy, knew he'd be a great dad etc. Comfortable life. The person I'd want to take care of me in the hospital. That's all I knew. Never in my prior relationships did I feel the excitement I did in my affair. I dont think it was because it was forbidden. I think it was because I was so desperate to feel passion and I happened to find someone that brought out an inner passion in me that I didn't know existed. I can not keep up that level forever but I could maintain it at a comfortable level I believe.

So yeah I want it all. I want the person that will take care of me in the hospital that then I can't wait til I get out so we can fire up the passion. Doesn't mean I can't try to make that happen with my husband, just letting you know what I want.

Yes I'm still in the fog too. I know that. Just trying to process it all.


Me: WW 42 - Him: BH 45
Dday: Confessed 1/12/14 - EA/PA: 8 months
Married: 15 years - 3 Kids(5-13)
It's scary to think you know someone well and then realize you don't~~Even scarier when you realize that person is you!

Posts: 107 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: SW Oregon
Alyssamd24
♀ Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 9:22 PM, December 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I definitely understand that and can empathize with you!! If you look at my recent posts you will see that its something I am struggling with also!!!

You will get there....it sucks doing it, but you will!


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 854 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
sunnyrain
♀ Member
Member # 30164
Default  Posted: 10:04 PM, December 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

suck it up, buttercup!

*this was more for me than anyone else here.

[This message edited by sunnyrain at 9:53 PM, December 28th (Saturday)]


"I'm not much into health food, I am into champagne."

Posts: 388 | Registered: Nov 2010
Trying33
♀ Member
Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 10:45 PM, December 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@ aLostSoul and Confused;

I'd like to pose some questions for you to ponder.. questions I myself am trying to answer..

How much of the "missing" of AP is due to complacency that your marriage is in no danger of ending?

That the love and attention from a man who is UNAVAILABLE is more validating and absorbed by you than from a man who belongs to you and is truly AVAILABLE?

Why does the challenge of "getting" a man who should not be with you so important? What would it prove???

Why is the sustained love from your H not enough??


Posts: 362 | Registered: Mar 2013
confused43
♀ Member
Member # 41802
Default  Posted: 11:10 PM, December 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How much of the "missing" of AP is due to complacency that your marriage is in no danger of ending?
I believe it has a huge amount to do with this. Since my husband does not know about the affair I can be between worlds. If he knew and wanted me still and I wanted him then I would be more likely to have a different thought process.

That the love and attention from a man who is UNAVAILABLE is more validating and absorbed by you than from a man who belongs to you and is truly AVAILABLE?
My AP was in a loveless marriage and on the verge of divorce before we met. He lacked courage and meeting me made it more bearable to stay for the kids. He talked about the fact they had talked divorce already and it was just about timing. His wife found out about us, didn't really seem to care much but said let's divorce already. 2 weeks later he is in his own place wanting to clean up his life. So he is actually available in a sense. But now he isn't so keen on being with a married woman. He says he doesnt want me to make decisions about my marriage based on him. He is tired of sneaking around. I agree, it's exhausting.


Why does the challenge of "getting" a man who should not be with you so important? What would it prove???
It's not important to get this man, but rather the connection I feel when I'm with him, or communicating with him. It's attention that feels good. If it was "ok" and "acceptable" who wouldn't want to feel this kind of high most of the time. Sure it might not be reality but with so many downers in life it's so much more fun to have a happy "fantasy" life sometimes. If it was acceptable and safe then I for one would sign up for that kind of life of feeling important and attractive more often than not. It would make me a better mom and partner if I felt "high" and "happy".

Why is the sustained love from your H not enough??
I guess it's boring. Just being honest. We are trying. We are going out to listen to bands, out for drinks, new restaurants. But it's not the same as with AP, how can it be I know. We are trying but my mind and heart want the excitement the AP brought to my life. I love my husband and all he is does for our family. I want to want him. I'm willing to try but I can't fake it for the next 10 years either.


Me: WW 42 - Him: BH 45
Dday: Confessed 1/12/14 - EA/PA: 8 months
Married: 15 years - 3 Kids(5-13)
It's scary to think you know someone well and then realize you don't~~Even scarier when you realize that person is you!

Posts: 107 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: SW Oregon
Trying33
♀ Member
Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 11:30 PM, December 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@ confused..

I've been where you are. Your armour is truly on. I hear you about the "high" and how it's a fabulous way to carry one through life.. But ask yourself this.. how sustainable is it? You already say you're exhausted. I'm sure you lie awake at night always thinking about what's going to happen. It's tiring and depleting.

But now he isn't so keen on being with a married woman. He says he doesnt want me to make decisions about my marriage based on him. He is tired of sneaking around. I agree, it's exhausting.

So, take a break from him. Go NC firmly. If he's in your M you will never be able to engage in

going out to listen to bands, out for drinks, new restaurants

During my A, my H and I were the most overtly active we've been in years; went to bootcamp together and lost weight, set regular date lunches, set plans to move country etc. But this was all just going through the motions. I never truly ENGAGED in these activities with him as I was pre-occupied with my next fix.


Posts: 362 | Registered: Mar 2013
pastthelies
♀ Member
Member # 39269
Default  Posted: 11:58 PM, December 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel the same. I have never had a dday and my A has been over for 10 months- NC whole time! It is so hard. I miss the feelings and intensity/intimacy too! Things are much better in my M but no where near the same feelings. I feel safe like you describe but no passion and I miss it. I am not sure how to get that attraction back? I would love to hear more as well! I was in a 5 year A. Long distance with trips and calls texting daily! I am much better about missing him now but i do have days. Sometimes I appreciate Karma- he cant be happy- stayed for money and kids with someone who is two of me! Superficial- yes, but makes me feel better. I am working on things and like is much better but no passion. I am hoping time and effort will pay off there. Best of luck to you! Hugs; this is not fun.

Posts: 64 | Registered: May 2013
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, December 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe if I was caught, or probably if I was caught I'd feel different because then it would be a different story. I'd see it all slipping away quickly and panic. Because there has been no discovery I'm still living inbetween worlds I think.
Ah, I see. You're cake eating. You have the best of both worlds. A completely unsuspecting husband that helps take care of life while you gallivant with Mr. Wonderful.

Girls. We're not sitting over tea talking about which hand bag to choose. We're not discussing Michael Kors vs. Coach. We're discussing humans. With feelings. And you're flippantly swooning over "passion" and whether you wanna do the hard work to fix yourself. My heart is broken for your completely unsuspecting husbands.

You can never make a healthy decision if you don't walk out of the bakery staring at the platter of cupcakes. Walk out. Close the door. NC with AP. Confess to your husband. Here's the thing. He doesn't even know there's a problem. Why should he "work" on anything if he doesn't know it's broken???

Until you distance yourself from Mr. Wonderful and gain some clarity, you'll continue to be "foggy" and waffle back and forth.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6254 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
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