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User Topic: WS showing signs of Jealousy
LostSamurai
♂ Member
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 7:37 PM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know I messed up in the beginning of our marriage by being involved in porn. I am not proud of that and took steps to rid that from our marriage, from my life.

I do see porn as the same thing as adultery. However, I am a porn addict and in recovery and the fact she used that for her reason to engage in her Affair is not right. I didn't have sex for so long, should I say porn is my right to use because I didn't get what I want. Absolutely not.

I know that adultery, hurts me, and hurts the person you are using to get your need met and the person you should be going to get your needs met and you should be meeting their need.

If I would to have an affair, I think I would have to up my depression medicine and everything because I don't think I could live with myself and I would be hard to hide the fact that I did that.


I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1036 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
Unagie
♀ Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 8:01 PM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If I would to have an affair, I think I would have to up my depression medicine and everything because I don't think I could live with myself and I would be hard to hide the fact that I did that.

Bingo. It destroys utterly destroys who you thought you were. I tried to mask my depression when I did it instead I threw myself into a deeper pit of it I have yet to climb out of.

Painfulpast thank you although my point was to share I do appreciate your comments. I also want to state thag I respectfully disagree and that is just my opinion. My xBSO felt the same way you do. Why should he feel bad doing what I did. Then he realized what exactly he had done and he doesn't like what he sees. He has apologized for some of it, not all of it and I hope that one day he truly forgives me and doesnt see me as less than. I hope one day I can do the same for myself. See as angry as I was even when I found out he'd cheated on me long before my A by allowing himself to fall in love with a friend of ours nothing has made me want to hurt him that way ever again. I don't think I will ever be able to again, not because I'm not capable because anyone is but because I am constantly vigilant and would never destroy myself that way again. Him I am not sure of yet...


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

"To be loyal to myself is to allow myself to grow and change, and challenge who I am and what I think."


Posts: 2727 | Registered: Oct 2012
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 8:12 PM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks - and again, I'm not interested in it. It's just not me, so I'm not about to go see how I feel afterwards. It's easy from my position to say what I say, isn't it?

I hope that one day he truly forgives me and doesnt see me as less than

I hope so too. Remorseful spouses aren't the norm in life. I hope he sees that anyone can fall, but if they're willing to get back up, they can usually use a hand, and maybe some appreciation for what it took to get up.

I really mean it Unagie - it's really great of you to share. Finding a BS willing to shoot their mouth off isn't so hard. Finding a WS willing to open up to a group of BSs? My hat is off to you.

EDIT - and I got a snowman tipping his hat!! YAY!

[This message edited by painfulpast at 8:12 PM, December 23rd (Monday)]


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1893 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
Unagie
♀ Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 10:18 PM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

EDIT - and I got a snowman tipping his hat!! YAY!


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

"To be loyal to myself is to allow myself to grow and change, and challenge who I am and what I think."


Posts: 2727 | Registered: Oct 2012
silverhopes
♀ Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 10:56 PM, December 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I work with some woman at work, yes, she looks pretty, yes, I talk to her, but in a professional setting even though there have been comments made that seem like it could be dangerous but I have BOUNDARIES in Place to avoid inappropriate contact or discussions...for now.

For similar reasons as Unagie, I would be concerned. Not because of your WS's reaction, but because of your own description right here. When you say "comments made that seem like it could be dangerous", what exactly do you mean?

It's also true that being a wayward means you've put yourself in the position to be discounted should something arise that a betrayed feels like doing, because the WS discounted the BS for something he/she felt like doing. It may not seem fair to a wayward, but honestly, why should a betrayed offer more respect than they were given, unless it is expected that our morals ARE better, that we ARE better people, and that we are above waywards in general. Otherwise, why aren't we entitled to the same 'fun' that the wayward had. The difference is, the betrayed didn't drag this behavior into a relationship - the wayward did.

It sounds like you're thinking that a BS who becomes a WS doesn't do as much damage to the relationship as the WS originally did. Would we still call the BS-to-WS a cheater? We should. Isn't that what the BS-to-WS did - betrayed their morals, justified stepping over boundaries? What if the couple has children? Just because one partner cheated first, the children aren't going to be seriously hurt by the other partner's cheating as well? And what about the many stories we've heard about the OWs who say they were BWs first? There are so many people we have the potential to damage with those choices, regardless if we were first cheater or second cheater within our relationship.

This is from someone who started out as a BS and became a WS. Twice. In the first relationship, that was the lie I told to comfort myself: "He did this first, he's still involved with his OW. That means it's cool if I go get my needs met…" How wayward can you get? Forget what it said about him (and incidentally, no he didn't deserve to be cheated on, for me to abuse him. No one deserves to be abused, and cheating is abuse) - what'd it say about me that I was willing to behave so horribly? And what kind of sad expectations did that really promote about our relationship?

What part of this was healthy? The work I did AFTERWARD to become a healthier person.

Another thing… If a WS is saying no to being cheated on, or no to being a cheater, or no to being hit by anyone, or no to someone crossing their boundaries, or no to anything unhealthy, maybe it's a good thing. Maybe it shows a strengthening of character to have those better boundaries. Hypocritical to take offense? Possibly. But also quite possibly a sign of changing behavior for the better.

I do see porn as the same thing as adultery. However, I am a porn addict and in recovery and the fact she used that for her reason to engage in her Affair is not right. I didn't have sex for so long, should I say porn is my right to use because I didn't get what I want. Absolutely not.

Exactly. Not fair to blame her affair on your porn. Not fair to blame your porn use (if you were to ever resume) on her affair.

If you view porn to be adultery, and she's struggling with feelings of jealousy around your use, be careful when giving each other the floor. Comparing doesn't tend to help anyone. Working together, listening, and supporting each other is what it's about.


Find peace. Or sleep on it.
Sometimes my monkeys, sometimes my circus.
Infidelities are like icebergs - they may take many different shapes and sizes, but they all damage your ship.

Posts: 3905 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
phoenixrise
♀ Member
Member # 41745
Default  Posted: 6:36 AM, December 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes he has shown jealousy...he has even knocked on the bathroom door while I was in the bathroom and asked me what I was doing...he asked to see my phone...he calls the house phone instead of my cell on nights he knows Im home just to make sure I am home I guess...a coworker of his a male who had been cheated on by his wife told my H that he was stupid. He shared that his unfaithful wife's biggest fear was that he was going to cheat. He ended up trying to make it work and thought he could do it but realized he couldn't and later wanted a D...so this put paranoid ideas in his head. I had been p ropositioned once during our hardest point in marriage but I respected and took my vow seriously and I don't regret it because it reinforces my idea of how important integrity and commitment is to me...I still stuck to my guns even after his A...I often do tell him that I* took my vows seriously...if I only knew he was going to turn me into a clown 2 children and 9 years later...major back stab to my heart and confidence in him as a person I absolutely thought would stand by me come he'll...I was so wrong makes me beyond disappointed and sad like someone close to you dead but ten times worse


"The grass is greener on the other side because of all the shit that is used to fertilize it"
Him: WH after 8 yrs M...wow to think he held my hand during labor twice
Me: thought I was a cool loving wife
D Day: 7 mos ago RIP soul

Posts: 212 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Dante's Inferno
cl131716
♀ Member
Member # 40699
Default  Posted: 7:08 AM, December 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why reconcile with your wayward if your thought is they are now less than and you can treat them how you please?

This is my thought. I wouldn't cheat anyways because that is not who I am. I have strong boundaries and no desire to step out of our marriage even during this shit storm I am currently enduring. My response to a RA: What would be the point? Why spend so much energy fixing something if I am going to damage it further. If I was in that mindset then I wouldn't be here, I'd just move on. My WH still doesn't get that. He got lost in delusions of me cheating. Honestly, that hurt me further. He clearly has a "I can do as I please but you must respect our marriage" mentality. The thing he doesn't realize is it doesn't even matter what HE does, I will still respect my marriage but the moment he makes me feel guilty for absolutely nothing then we have a problem. I do not share the cheater mindset and I do not wish to be placed in that category.

My Wh and I had a similar conversation about this the other day. He mentioned he would have no issue with me going to play BINGO or drink coffee with a friend but going to get togethers or to play pool at a bar is off limits. I asked him why. He said because in the latter scenarios something is more likely to happen. Wrong. If an intention to cheat is there it doesn't matter where I am....I will find an opportunity. If the intention is NOT there then it doesn't matter where I am....I will NOT take the opportunity should one present itself. I do not believe things like that happen by accident unless you enter dangerous territory by choice.


Me BS 31
Him WS 34 Trying4change
Together 3 years, married for one
D-day: 07/23/13 cybersex with COW
D-day: 12/27/13 found out he met and kissed a "friend" in 2011
"A clear and innocent conscience fears nothing."

Posts: 935 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oklahoma
Unagie
♀ Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 3:21 PM, December 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wrong. If an intention to cheat is there it doesn't matter where I am....I will find an opportunity. If the intention is NOT there then it doesn't matter where I am....I will NOT take the opportunity should one present itself. I do not believe things like that happen by accident unless you enter dangerous territory by choice.

This in spades. It doesn't matter where you are if the intention is ther it can happen at a damn Chucky Cheese. I've had people tell me I made him cheat because of my A and because I brought Craigslist women into our lives by agreeing to and then backing out of a threesome. That is not true obviously, he had aleady had an EA I suspected about 8 years prior and I never forced him into the arms of the Craigslist women he ran to them, both of them.

If I wanted to cheat again I could do so, plenty of opportunity but I don't want to, the intention and horrible coping mechanisms are not there any longer. I'm pretty sure he would, he has done 0 work on himself that I can see but that is no longer my concern. I am not less than anybody including someone who never cheated.

LostSamurai is your wife using her jealousy to deflect or is your behavior out of the ordinary and cause for concern?


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

"To be loyal to myself is to allow myself to grow and change, and challenge who I am and what I think."


Posts: 2727 | Registered: Oct 2012
LostSamurai
♂ Member
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 4:39 PM, December 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Truthfully, I don't think my behavior is to be of alarm. I am not going out of my way or having any personal conversation with her. I think she is being deflected but she always use to be like.


I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1036 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
Clarrissa
♀ Member
Member # 21886
Default  Posted: 8:09 AM, December 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FWW here. I know I'm a bit late to this thread but I noticed that no one really brought up the idea that perhaps LSs WS is jealous because she's afraid. Afraid that *if* LS has a RA, that will confirm that she, in fact, is "less than". She isn't worthy of being treated like a human being with feelings, that she isn't worth even the bare minimum of respect. Her self-esteem, which was probably in the crapper to begin with will sink to rock bottom.

As Unagie said, we waywards still have feelings. We're human after all. Flawed, broken, confused but human nonetheless. Do we "deserve" the same pain we brought to our BS? Perhaps but what would it really help? How would it help heal a BS if they lowered themselves to do what we did? To sacrifice their integrity and morals just for a little payback? It's been said many, many times on here "No one deserves to be cheated on." That should include waywards.


BH Cee64D - 48
WW (me) - 49


All affairs are variations on a theme. No one has 'Beethoven's 5th' to everyone else's 'Chopsticks'.


Posts: 5886 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: A better place
LostSamurai
♂ Member
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, December 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would not do it. I for one would not want anyone to experience this pain. This is by far one of the worst pains I have gone through and I would love some sort of justice but I wouldn't want my WW to experience this... I would never ever want anyone to experience these emotions , the confusion of wether if this is going to be able to recover this marriage, and etc...

I can't live with myself knowing I hurt my spouse and my daughter and who ever I used to get my needs met because I am broken inside. This is the worst thing anyone could do. If you are unhappy in your marriage speak up, or get the hell out! Don't stay and start another relationship and use your spouse for a meal or paycheck and give them the worst of you and give some bozo the best of you.


I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1036 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
herongirl
♀ New Member
Member # 40398
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, December 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H has always been jealous & after I discovered his A, he was terrified I would do the same to him. Because one of his justifications to himself was that I was"probably" cheating as well (I wasn't), he thought he had just given me the perfect excuse to do the same to him. It also reflected his insecurity about his own self-worth, that he "deserved" to be punished. An RA would only reinforce those attitudes, which is the last thing I want to do.
We recently talked about this & that at the end of the day, it doesn't matter what anyone has "done to you", you still have to take responsibility for your own actions & reactions.
If I'm going to preach personal responsibility, I damn well better practice it myself. He said I was a goddess.


Me- BS
D-day 1/21/13
Trying to reconcile

I can't make you happy, unless I am (Ziggy Marley-True to Myself)


Posts: 30 | Registered: Aug 2013
Topic Posts: 32
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