We went for a stroll outside, which I often need to just clear my head. It was good--we were holding hands, he told me he wants to celebrate Christmas during the 2 weeks we're taking off in January because I otherwise have cancelled all Christmas plans for December 25. As we were headed home, I started feeling guilty for somewhat enjoying myself. That voice in my head said "why are you holding his hand? That's the hand that did those things to her. Tell him how you feel." I slowed down my pace and he knew something was wrong.
We went back home and I retreated to the bedroom; he went into the dining room. I was hyperventilating. All I could think of was the rough sex he told me he had with her EVERY TIME. I confronted him with him somewhat calmly and asked why. He said he was surprised when she suggested it....and intrigued. I said why did you do such deviant stuff every time. He said that was their "thing."
I started screaming and crying like I've never before. I ran to the bedroom and really thought the neighbors would call the cops. He tried to hold me down but I kept telling him no. Then I started slapping myself in the face....hard. Then I started to feel like I was going to gag from the tears so I got off the bed and collapsed to the ground. I was there face down for at least a half hour until my H could lift me up back to the bed. I screamed to God to give me strength...then I asked God to take me from all this pain once and for all because I don't see how I can ever get over the hurt.
I so hopeless right now...not just in the R process but in my life. Even if I were to get a divorce, let's say, I would still be haunted by the way I've been so cruelly betrayed by the person I loved. It will be with me till my dying day. I just want to go back to who I was 4 weeks ago, that's all. My H, and all of you, have said it takes time, but I don't know what to do with my immense anger, rage, hurt, pain, etc on a day to day basis. You should see me right now. I have barely slept (really only slept out of the exhaustion I put my body through), my hair, face and eyes are all a mess. I am surprised I can even type this at 6:00 am with the lights off.
I can only promise you that it does get better.
Sending you strength & hugs.
It is insane, how you can go from being full of hope and devastatingly hopeless, and back to hope so quickly...
And the sad part is...it can't be undone. We can't go in a time machine and undo it, though common sense and a semblance of a heart should've made my H stop what he was doing after the first time....or at least the 21st time. How can I not think about this every waking (and sleeping) moment of my life?
I can read through your words the pain you are in. We've been there, and it seems like it can never end. The first few days or weeks seem like some kind of bad dream, and then the realization that this isn't a nightmare, and that this cannot ever be NOT reality, finally hits, and it's hard. It might be the hardest moment of all of this - realizing that this is your world now, and always will be.
You will get through this, as we did. You may feel like you won't but you will, and you will hate that it's there, always. I'm not going to lie - it will get better, but it will be so hard for a while.
Yes, what your H did was despicable, and cruel, and without logic. You didn't deserve this, and he did it anyway. He did it because he is broken, not you. He did it because he doesn't know how to deal with unhappiness in healthy ways. I know that doesn't help you - he's broken so you suffer - but in time you will realize this is not your fault. It was not because of anything you did or didn't do.
I'm so sorry you're hurting so much today. I'm glad you have MC today.
The reason you've never felt this way before, despite having faced terrible times in life, is because none of those terrible times were an intentional assault. Your dad didn't die because he wanted to. You didn't find yourself facing homelessness because it was fun. Your mother isn't ill because she's so selfish she doesn't care about anyone but herself. This is different. Again, you will get through it.
Unfortunately, however, this gives you alot of pain to process right now. Remember, a part of the game is if you create a hostile environment after he tells you, he may be more reluctant to tell you the truth in the future. Take it one day at a time, and take care of your health.
Recovery is building a pyramid of inference from which to climb and see clearer, and heavy usage of the reflexive loop.
I sometimes wonder why the police weren't at our house during those raw days for me. Because at times, I could see the walls bowing out with the sound waves from the noises that came from me. I lost my voice a few times because I screamed myself raw in the throat.
It will get better. Those raw edges will start to develop some skin over them. You may rip those scabs and healed places open at times, but overall, at some point, you will be amazed that you had an hour, when you didn't immediately "go there." And then a 1/2 a day. And a day, and so on. It takes the time it takes. There's no right or wrong amount of time, there's only the necessary time that it takes. (((hugs)))
I'm glad that you have a couple of weeks to be with each other. Try to find some moments of just being.
D-Day, June 10, 2012
I did go in medication and it helped immensely. I also couldn't eat, sleep or function. I thought I was losing my mind. Within a week of starting medication, I felt so much better. I wasn't happy, nor did it take all the pain away, but I could function. I slept well, ate enough and was able to have some control over my emotions. I would definitely ask about trying one at your appointment.
As others have said, it does get better. I'm about 9 months out from DDay and three months out from D and am far better than I was then. I still struggle with sadness, anger, etc., but I can see there's a light at the end if the tunnel now.