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Newest Member: losttrust1231 (44270)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Jealousy and massage therapists
faithfulfool
♂ Member
Member # 34252
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, December 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My fWW gets massages pretty regularly. Since R I have requested she only see female massage therapists and she has agreed to do so, but it's clear that she thinks I am being overly controlling, even though she is complying with my request. I am happy that she agreed, but it leaves me now feeling like a jealous controlling jerk.

I have read of at least two affairs on this board between spouses and supposedly professional massage therapists. I do not feel like a comparison to a doctor is at all fair, because a massage feels good, and the whole experience seems very intimate. Additionally, I have read on other sites where women have felt a bit too sensual in secret.

I have never had a professional massage and have absolutely zero interest in one. Maybe it's because touch is my primary love language, but I freaking hate the idea of my wife receiving such touching pleasure from another man while nude. Or maybe I'm now just a jealous, controlling husband.

I wish my wife felt the same, but I guess I should just be glad she has agreed even if she doesn't agree in principle.

I don't think I will ever be normal.


--------------
Me: BH(33)
Her: fWW(31)
Married 8 yrs, together 15. no kids
D-day: 7/15/11
TT thru 4/24/12

Posts: 78 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: The South (USA)
ILINIA
♀ Member
Member # 39836
Default  Posted: 9:10 AM, December 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think your request is perfectly normal and reasonable. As a woman, I prefer doctors and massage therapists that are women, but that is just me. I have had two massages by men due to rescheduling, but I never get as relaxed as I do with a woman. Again, just me.

I don't think it is controlling. I am a bit concerned that she sees it that way. In my opinion, it's a no-brainer such a quick and easy change that would make you feel better and reassured, so why not say "Absolutely, it makes sense"?

Our lives have changed and all the little things we never thought about now matter. I had to have to conversation that WH should not be using emoticons in emails with female coworkers, something I never thought about before. Unfortunately, the bar has been raised on what is acceptable and what isn't.

Ahh, the new normal.


Entering R slowly and cautiously...

Posts: 428 | Registered: Jul 2013
bobf
♂ Member
Member # 41412
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, December 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you are right and not controlling. If your wife thinks you are being too controlling then ask her to think about why.

A truly remorseful spouse will realize the damage they have done to trust in the marriage and will do anything to make their partner comfortable.

I have access to every account my wife uses,I have permission to key log her if I so chose and an agreement for her to avoid other men in any social setting and an iron clad NC agreement. That doesn't mean I always take advantage of her openness but it has made a huge difference in trusting her and greatly has helped R.

[This message edited by bobf at 9:14 AM, December 24th (Tuesday)]


Me: BH early 50s
Her: fWW late 40s (kmom2662)
7 Wk OEA, Skype, Cyber
DDay 10-4-13
Married 20+ years
Currently in R

Posts: 142 | Registered: Nov 2013
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, December 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My W used to get massages. In fact, IIRC she used the massages to get recharged with energy for her A.

One of the consequences of her A was reduced income, and I insisted that she give up the massages. I just didn't think she deserved the pleasure of a massage after her A.

She survived very well.


fBH (me) - 65+, fWW (her) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9761 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
hitbyatruck
♀ Member
Member # 23769
Default  Posted: 2:57 PM, December 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I understand that massage is good for your muscles and simply feels great but they are not for me. In my head I was paying someone to touch me. I had 2 massages my whole life, both were gifts from my MIL.

First time was a woman, 2nd time was a man. I wasn't comfortable with the man at all. He didn't do anything wrong but he was still touching me as I was pretty much naked under a thin sheet.

I have told my H for years that I would love for him to massage me. I want him to do it and not for just 10 minutes or say "my turn now" or "my hand hurts". I guess that is why you pay for it.

It is too personal for me. Not judging others for going but not for me. I really wouldn't be comfortable with H going either.


Married 1998, 2 kids
D-day3/27/09,he left 5/23/09
WH wants to rebuild 3/21/10
He moved back in 9/25/10,
Dec, 2011-finally putting it all together, H had multiple affairs.
Possible porn addict for 15 yrs.
01/2014- in house separation

Posts: 3279 | Registered: Apr 2009
heartbrokeninaz
♀ Member
Member # 40779
Default  Posted: 3:36 PM, December 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes my WH ONS was with a massage therapist. He contacted her for a massage for me for my BDay! They are in no way even comparable to a doctor. They just have a job title just like the rest of us. She knew us from other friends and dart league. Knew me even. Started prying things about our personal life out of him. Then started texting nude pics of herself. I don't think its weird at all that you ask her to see women at all. The therapist are just regular folks like us. Some good some bad. I don't think its a gamble any of us need to take.


BW 40 (me)
WH 40
DDay 1 07/31/13 ONS with horseface
DDay 2 05/09/14 inappropriate texts
with another OW
One last shot

Posts: 161 | Registered: Sep 2013
Neithan
♂ Member
Member # 35924
Angry  Posted: 8:35 PM, December 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, God. Massage.

It was our passion. We took training from licensed massage therapists, a married couple. We learned from and worked with them extensively, loved learning, loved doing massages on each other, became very good friends with our teachers, it was an amazing way to connect and relax, and a thing to look forward to. For 4.5 years it was a treasured part of my life.

Then I discovered she was having an affair with our great and good friend the massage therapist.

Nearly 4 years out from D-Day now, I still trigger if I get a massage from my wife, or if I give her one. I can rub her neck a bit to work knots out, or give an occasional foot rub, but beyond that I can't go there anymore. No more table work, no more relaxational, sensual, or sexual massage. All of which used to seem to bind us together so closely.

We've tried to reclaim it for ourselves, but when a great passion turns into a great horror, I just can't turn back the clock and make it good again.

I don't get massages anymore; she still does on occasion and tells me they're with female massage therapists. Whatever.


Me: BH
Her: WW
D-Day: 2/19/2010
Married 1981
That which does not kill me makes me more irritable

Posts: 315 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Among the Gaurwaith
wanttogoforward
♀ Member
Member # 29912
Default  Posted: 11:17 PM, December 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How sad this makes me feel... I have gotten several professional massages over time and enjoy them a great deal.

The request after an A to have only females working on your wife is perfectly reasonable.... I can say I have had one done by a male and it was just fine... but it was a couples massage and my H was there so there was no discomfort... all my others were females... now my H has had them from women both in my presence and without me there..... I guess I feel that in a town the size of ours that all massages would be highly professional or word would get out that there is hanky- panky going on and the business would go under really quick!

The fact is that after an A things will change... some for the better and some to simply make the other person feel safe.... at 4 years out my H will check up on me on GPS (I was the BS!), question where I am going, etc..... and there has never been a reason for him to worry about me! Yet.... I understand.... I think he knows how easy it is to get into an A (his was EA) even though we seemed to have a strong marriage..... and that scares him.... I understand and accomodate as best I can. It's just hard to take when you are the BS even though I am as understanding and try not to get bent out of shape when he questions me too much. He is trying to protect our M... that I am in total support of. Jealousy can be from both ends.... try to build trust again in the areas you can.... trust but verify.... let her know as the trust builds you will feel more comfortable in some areas but that there are others that are now not negotiable! It's a new marriage for you both now.


Posts: 1174 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: still lost
Scubachick
♀ Member
Member # 39906
Default  Posted: 4:42 AM, December 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The sad part is that you even have to request it. Where is her empathy?

I have a female trainer, belong to an all female gym, use female instructors (when possible) when I'm taking lessons. He doesn't have to ask me because I put myself in his shoes and I ask myself how I would feel if the situation were reversed. I have used a male massage therapist a few times because a female wasn't available. I find it awkward to have any stranger, male or female, rubbing my body but I need it. I've never gotten a massage primarily for pleasure, it's always been for pain relief. I think your request is perfectly reasonable and doesn't make you controlling at all.


Posts: 569 | Registered: Jul 2013
Dreamland
♀ Member
Member # 40488
Default  Posted: 11:32 PM, December 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think your being reasonable. Honestly I don't want my fWH interacting with any women and I get very upset when we had couples massage and the woman was like " oh your husband so strong good body". I was like what the fuck bitch. He looked at me since he felt uncomfortable and knew I was ready to kill.
I don't want him around any women period especially alone and he knows it and is happy to comply.


Me-BS 50 Him-WH 47, DD17
Together since 1993, Married 19 yrs
DDay 3/12,4/12,7/12 EA-PA OW - 25 single husband chasing bastard whore

Posts: 515 | Registered: Aug 2013
musiclovingmom
♀ Member
Member # 38207
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, December 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This came up in our home. My H has never had a professional massage. I have had several. My very good friend is a massage therapist. Once my H asked about a massage and I told him I wouldn't be comfortable with him having a female massage therapist - not even my friend who is a BW herself. This conversation happened probably 6 or 8 months out. A couple of months ago, my H was hurting pretty badly and I offered to call my massage therapist. His response was 'No. I don't want you to be uncomfortable'. I had completely forgotten our conversation from before, but HE enforced that boundary anyway. I do not think your request is inappropriate at all. Like others, I'm a bit concerned that she is simply complying.

Posts: 999 | Registered: Jan 2013
idkam
♀ Member
Member # 18375
Default  Posted: 5:03 PM, December 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just like IL I prefer female doctors and massage therapists. On one particular occasion my regular massage therapist was out sick and a male therapist took her place. I felt totally uncomfortable and I could not relax. I felt at times he was rubbing himself against me, . When I was turned onto my stomach and although I was covered with a thin sheet when he would massage my leg he would move my leg a certain way to make my buttocks move. I was about to call it quits right then and there. I believe he felt my discomfort. However, I endured it but every time after that when I made an appointment I'd ask for a female. If one isn't available I will set the appointment when one is available.

Sorry to t/j but you have every right to ask your fWW to use female masseuse.


People come into your life for a Reason, Season or a Lifetime..
Divorced

Posts: 1772 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Texas
Aspenstrong
♀ Member
Member # 41394
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, December 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If it makes you uncomfortable then a caring wife would be happy to comply to your request without making you feel like a heel about it. I never was comfortable with my h seeing female therapists because of his fantasizing and EA tendencies. He acted like I was ridiculous found support from others and when I gave in a little and agreed to him seeing a massage therapist I was comfortable with he took it further and stopped even attempting to do what I'd like. And 2 months ago he had ONS with one.
His utter disregard for my feelings was a red flag- but it started with him acting like something was wrong with me for not wanting him to get massages from other women.
Hopefully your WW will become more understanding of your concerns and will want to do whatever it takes to reassure you.


WS- Came to me and confessed ONS end of Oct 2013
Dec 2013-found out about 1 happy ending massage and various fishing on hookup sites that didn't pan out/
His heart changes and voluntary confession changed things for me... Waiting to see

Posts: 57 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Southwest
Topic Posts: 13

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