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User Topic: How does this help the BS?
disgust
♀ Member
Member # 34200
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, December 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know the past is in the past and can't be changed. I know that. I commend the WSs that work on their issues to be healthy, happier, emotionally complete people. But when I hear the phrase "I can't change the past and all I can do is make sure I never do this to another human being again", I can't help but wonder how that helps the BS? I know as the BS heals the sting of the betrayal diminishes but the scars never go away. So how does the WS make it up to the BS. Do they have to? Maybe not. I'm referring to the WS/BS that don't stay together. It's great that the future partners of the xWSs won't experience betrayal. But, how does that help the xBS?

I don't know. I'm just rambling.


Posts: 349 | Registered: Dec 2011
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, December 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IMO some WS say this sort of thing to try and instill some sense of security in their BS. I dont think it really works though. After all they lied when they took their wedding vows. Why should we believe them now?

I dont think there is any way for a WS to make it up to their BS. The scar is just always going to be there. The pain will lessen but will remain in the back ground at some level. Triggers will also happen from time to time even after years and years.

In the end OUR healing is OUR responsibility. Our WS cant heal us. They can help by being truthful. not blaming us for their choice. and being transparent. Beyond that our healing is pretty much on us.

In the same light we cant heal our WS. Thats on them. They either heal and fix them self or they dont. There is nothing we can do to make that happen.

In the end we have to grow strong on our own and learn to trust our self. IMO thats the only real healing that can happen.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.

Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man.
Friedrich Nietzsche


Posts: 3483 | Registered: Sep 2007
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, December 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

what Razor says, and...

The only way for the WS to make amends to the BS is to be the best spouse she can be - honest, transparent, raising issues as they occur and working to resolve them, to be loving and caring, etc.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10166 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
plainpain
♀ Member
Member # 40139
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, December 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In the end OUR healing is OUR responsibility. Our WS cant heal us. They can help by being truthful. not blaming us for their choice. and being transparent. Beyond that our healing is pretty much on us.

In the same light we cant heal our WS. Thats on them. They either heal and fix them self or they dont. There is nothing we can do to make that happen.

I have to agree with this. It's a whole big pile of 'It's not fair', but there really is nothing they can DO to make up for it. They can certainly help with the healing by demonstrating understanding and remorse, but I think all that does is validate our own existing feelings. It's them saying, 'yes, yes, you are right and justified to feel the way that you do'.

As a BS with a remorseful WS in R, that is absolutely necessary - not for my healing, but for any possibility of healing our relationship. My own personal healing is still something I have to take responsibility for, whether my feelings are validated by him or not. He can't heal me. He can't make up for it. He can't undo it. The most he can do is to not pour salt on the wounds, or give me an infection while I'm healing.

If they become a better person out of all of it, that doesn't help us - sometimes that even hurts.

It's a big pile of 'not fair'.


Me: Believer; 40s
Him: Liar; 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
OW:21
In successful R, but still in just plain pain.

Posts: 807 | Registered: Jul 2013
Lostinthismess
♀ Member
Member # 39210
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, December 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If they become a better person out of all of it, that doesn't help us - sometimes that even hurts.

It's a big pile of 'not fair'.

True words I couldn't have said better.....


Dday- 4/4/13
fwh- harrypotter
'You just keep living, until you are alive again'
'I don't want perfect, I want honest'

Posts: 330 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Ca
disgust
♀ Member
Member # 34200
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, December 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can happily & honestly say that my WxH's self improvement has no impact in my life one way or the other. I brought this up because I think this line is used by WSs to make themselves feel better and really has no value for the BS. Again, I'm referring to the couples that don't stay together. In the cases where the WS/BS are reconciling this is very important.

This may sound crazy but I'm glad I was the BS and not the WS.

[This message edited by disgust at 1:16 PM, December 27th (Friday)]


Posts: 349 | Registered: Dec 2011
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 1:59 PM, December 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How does the WS make it up to the BS? Well this is one of those things that you don't get evened out. This is like being a victim of a crime like rape, or being hit by a drunk driver. The perpetrator can do everything right, apologize, get clean, never do it again, but really there is no real equal on "making it up" or calling it even.

What I have found as someone who has R'd is that my H has made it his goal in life to make me happy, and hear me laugh each day, and see me smile each day. This is after all the work he did to heal himself. At the end of the day that's good enough for me. He does make me happy, he does make me laugh and smile. He treats me with love respect, and tenderness. He is honest, and transparent.
I did a lot of work on me too, I became stronger than I would have ever believed, and I found my own happiness, with or without him I would be happy.

For me that's enough.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8598 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
cupcakegirl
♀ Member
Member # 33594
Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, December 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"I can't change the past"

Oh man did this ever get under my skin when my SAH would say this. Looking back, I think he just did not know how to handle my dips in the roller coaster ride. I was grieving and just needed to be either heard or left alone.

Early in recovery was the very last time he said this, and I responded, " No, but I check Amazon.com weekly for time machines, and as soon as they have one, I am buying it, getting in and setting it waaay back. We would have never crossed paths. He was speechless and has never said it again.

Mean, but effective. I would say it differently nowadays.


Me:BS, 43
Him: SAH, 48
Married 21 years
DDay 1: 2007
First day of transparency in M: 10/17/11
Polygraph 1/13/12 passed!
Polygraph 7/8/12 passed!
Polygraph 2/4/13 passed!
Next Poly is 2/14 passed!

Posts: 238 | Registered: Oct 2011
HurtAtTheShore
♀ Member
Member # 20704
Default  Posted: 3:14 PM, December 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel that them making themselves better does not help the BS much except when there are kids involved.

I hope my Ex someday is well enough to have a healthy relationship with a woman who is right for him, just as I hope someday to find the right man for me.

But now, RIGHT now, for me it's 100% about the kids. Be better for them.

[This message edited by HurtAtTheShore at 3:15 PM, December 27th (Friday)]


Me: BW 43
Him: WS 43 (Cantgoback)
Married: 14 years, together 16
2 boys (15 & 12)
2 Dogs
D-Day 7/31/08 - again 8/24/13
Separated but sharing a house

Posts: 76 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: NJ
devasted30
♀ Member
Member # 39439
Default  Posted: 3:45 PM, December 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It doesn't. Nothing the WS says to the BS is going to help. All the "I'm sorry's" and "I can't change the past" or "If I could change the past" won't change what happened. It's like a scar. There is always going to be a reminder of their betrayal. For me, my marriage will always be tainted by this. Ten years from now, I hope to be happily married, but it will always be "Except for". We all have to learn to live with this. No matter what the WS do or say, nothing can right this wrong. But, if they continue to try to be the best husband, father and man they can be, perhaps we will be able to live with it. For some, it won't matter at all because for some, this is a deal breaker. I thought it would have been for me too and if it was 10-15 years ago, I am pretty sure it would have been. But, now? All I know is we are trying to "R". My WS is extremely remorseful and loving and caring and tries very hard to understand my triggers and just be there for me when I get down. Honestly, words mean nothing - it's actions that will help us heal. But, there will always be a scar.

Posts: 1225 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Ontario, Canada
Topic Posts: 10

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