I will admit, I am scared that I will push her away further. I am silly for not listening because you all know and I am a scared father and husband who is following my heart.
Don't beat yourself up, Bro....I did "all the wrong things too"....for about 6 weeks......then I got with the 180...
Yeah...this infidelity crap is the hardest thing I have ever done...from an emotional standpoint....I understand your dilemma...BTDT..I am NOT a pissed off BH that divorced a WW...Within a few weeks of my FWWs fog induced bullshit affair, we were on our way to a pretty good R......AFTER the fence post was removed from her cheatin' ass....some of the bullshit coming out her mouth was so feakin' crazy - I knew it was all bullshit.....I didn't fall for it....
Bro....I have done the 180 with 2 cheatin' wives.....one ended in a divorce (my choice) the other with a R...(also my choice - and before my "give a shit" quit working)....its all in my profile - should you care to look at it...
The 180 is NOT a secret plan to win your wife back....but that sometimes is the end result of what happens......ONCE ...the fog is lifted... The 180 is designed to allow you to detach...pull yourself out of a toxic relationship..and having a wife that is "in love" with another man is VERY TOXIC.....
There is NOT a simple solution to your dilemma....R is a long and drawn out process...takes weeks....hell, months...sometimes years....BUT...first you gotta get her out of her fog...a simple im sorry honey and a weekend of make up sex will NOT cut it....
Keep us posted..
[This message edited by bufffalo at 3:03 AM, January 8th (Wednesday)]
My biggest hurdle to overcome was this: I could not have a discussion with (now)stbx about how dire our situation was without feeling the need to leave him with 'hope' that it would all work out okay in the end (this is synonymous with your fear of 'pushing her away'). ***facepalm***
The truth is that you can't push her any further away because she's not running towards you. She's too busy spouting off her "he's my TwinFlame" shit.
I am in the same place now that I would have been 2 years ago....if I had listened to everyone here. The only difference is the amount of emotional damage that occurred to me in those 2 years.
This gave me goose-bumps:
She mentioned that a co worker told her that it is much harder for woman to come back from an affair especially an emotional one.
In previous posts you've been given a road-map. It is very much to your benefit to follow it....no matter HOW counter-intuitive it feels.
In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.
there is a pretty good thread on the 180 here in JFO....target in the margins....sometimes buried on pages 2,3,4,or even 5.....study it...
I replied to save the marriage.
I replied to save the marriage.
So what does it take for you to stop telling her you want to save the marriage? If she sends you pictures of her and OM, will that do it?
STOP TELLING HER YOU WANT HER!!!
btw - my answer would have been "You fucked anyone you wanted, so I'll talk to anyone I want." That shows that I am not interested in WS's opinion of my actions, and also reminds them of why I am not interested. Your response said "I hope you see the light and come back to me."
She had the nerve and say that I have not done all to save the marriage.
Sorry Felco, but every BS that's posted in this thread would agree. You're doing what feels good to you. You're doing things that make you believe, even for a minute, that all will be ok. You're putting your entire happiness in her hands.
Do something to save your marriage - tell her you're done.
Here is #6 of the 180:
Don't ask for help from the family members of your WS.
Please, reread the 180, and follow it. It's for YOU. It's for YOUR life. Understand this Felco, she's really believing that what she's doing is fine. Show her it isn't.
Maybe that will wake her up.
"Affairs are not mistakes, they are a series of deliberate choices." - CrappyLife
Not so easy, right? That's why the 180, executed in all it's glory is for you. It's not a tool designed to change her. That's up to her. It is a tool designed to give you the things I mentioned in the first paragraph.
You can't save this marriage on your own. The only thing you can do is save yourself, and by extension, the kids. Look at the 180 again, then again. Executing it will not come naturally. You WANT to talk to her and her family. It seems like you are doing something productive by doing so, when in fact, you are doing the opposite. Yes, you will fail at it. Probably many times. Pick yourself up and try again. You will get there.
You mentioned a fear of pushing your wife away. How much further away can she get? Other than being in an active physical affair, she's about as far away as she can get. She has found her prince Icheatalot and is happy! Even though he has thrown her under the bus, he, and not you, is the one she desires to be with. Let her.
You are the prize here brother. You are the one with morals and scruples. You are worth so much more.
[This message edited by Felco at 10:53 AM, January 9th (Thursday)]
I was you, this summer, and can attest that the day I read about the 180 and began it, life got a lot better. I got better. And my WW's fog lifted 75%.
After the 1st time I said "I don't need this person you've become, don't let the door hit you in the ass." she stared in silence, left, then returned in tears wanting to R. I said see if you still think so in a week, bye. (i don't mean to imply 180 made her come back, but knowing I was moving on sure gave her something to think about)
3 months into difficult R, I still do a mild 180 all the time. Or maybe i don't need her, and this is the new me...
[This message edited by LetMeRollIt at 11:09 AM, January 9th (Thursday)]
"Cry, and let your soul be cleansed of a love that turned to carnage." - Christy Brown
Funny that you wanted to throw it all away for a man who played you and has a history.
Yes, I know I should have shut my mouth once again but IT FELT GOOD!!!!
As it should!
Letting a bit of anger slip out is not a bad thing. Try not to stay in that state. Not healthy for YOU.
Indifference is the key! That is the crux of the 180. It helps to make her actions inconsequential to you, her voicing her delusional bullshit will become like a gnat buzzing around you...annoying at best. Not the crushing heartache that you have been feeling...Because she is turning into a cartoon character...a two dimensional wraith spewing nothingness.
Remember the opposite of love insn't hate, it is indifference.
She has played fast and loose with your love and marriage. I think I can hear your 'Give A Shit' breaking! I think she can too.
Don't be surprized when she starts Hoovering. She is starting to realize that she has been played and her cruel games with you are played out!
Good Job Felco.
Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
I also said that it is funny. What? I said this whole thing. Funny that you wanted to throw it all away for a man who played you and has a history.
She definitely needs to be told that your WW (her OW) spoke to her H. She may already know, but if not, she needs the truth.
You're getting there Felco. You need to detach for you, not her. It's for your well being. You can't be there for your kids, your work, your family - if you aren't there for yourself.
I hadn't found SI then so I didn't know about mental no contact. And she just wasn't in a place to understand she had to get him out of her head. To her, he was still a "friend" she wasn't allowed to see becuase it would upset me. It wasn't until she finally came out of the fog and realised he was a user that things started to really get better.
I finally found and told his OBS years later. He picked up the phone when she asked him what was going on and screamed at me that he was calling the cops and for me and my "slut wife" to leave him alone. Thats what he really thought of her. I never told her he said that. It was years later and we were in a better place and I didn't want to hurt her.
That is the mindset of these guys. It's just a game for them and the other person isn't worth anything. But in order for this POS to get what he wanted from your wife, he had to get her emotionally engaged. She is still seeing him as the glossy magazine fake person he sold her. She needs to see him for what he really is.
Away you will go, sailing in a race among the ruins.
If you plan to face tomorrow, do it soon. Gordon Lightfoot
[This message edited by lordhasaplan? at 9:03 AM, January 10th (Friday)]