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User Topic: She still believes he is her "Twin Flame"
Twitchy
♂ Member
Member # 25393
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, January 19th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why wait for her to make up her mind? You need the space too to detach and properly 180.

Keep moving forward with your plan but you take charge and see it through. She can the do the first week way since she made this shit sandwich.

At he same time, keep up you detachment. Go out with fiends. Start dressing and looking better. Find new hobbies. Start building a life without her.


BH(me)-49, FWW-43,
D-Day #1 - Oct 2007 - On-Line EA leading to a failed rendez-vous
D-Day #2 - Nov 2008 - In person EA caught early.

Away you will go, sailing in a race among the ruins.
If you plan to face tomorrow, do it soon. Gordon Lightfoot


Posts: 636 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Ontario - Canada
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, January 19th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Make her mind up for her. Move all of her shit into the garage and tell her since she doesn't have two brain cells to rub together, that you've made the decision. Hand her over a sheet of paper with the child care and chores split into even pieces and tell her that this is her schedule and that you will NOT be available to help out with either unless she gives you a minimum of 24 hours notice for negotiation. You do nothing that isn't one of your chores. When it's time for her to take care of the kids, you are out of the house at the guy, visiting friends, etc., nurturing your soul. And there will be no "guests" of the opposite sex visiting.

Keep detaching. See that lawyer and get those papers ready to serve. Again, you do not have to have her served until you are ready, but if she gets ready to move the second Flaming Asshole Of Her Lurverly Life in, you need to be able to have her served and make sure that you have the children and sole rights to the house. Think tactically, not emotionally.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4857 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Getting to Happy
♀ Member
Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, January 19th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Make her mind up for her. Move all of her shit into the garage and tell her since she doesn't have two brain cells to rub together, that you've made the decision....And there will be no "guests" of the opposite sex visiting.

Man up and stand your ground.

Think tactically, not emotionally.
This is war and she is the enemy. Protect yourself and your children from her delusions.

Remember you cannot control her. So stop trying. Reject and push back on all that cray-cray thinking! Take control of what you can control, your well being and mental health.


WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Unknown


Posts: 1140 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, January 19th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have to agree with Skan and Getting. You are too focused in keeping the calm and making this all amicable. You need to read through Abandondad and allatsea posts and profiles. Dude this woman you call your wife now is not the woman you married. She is looooooong gone and this self centered whore is not going to do what right and fair. She will fuck you over and make you think you are getting a good deal if you do not step back as see it for what it is.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8594 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
seriouslylostit
♀ Member
Member # 23987
Default  Posted: 4:02 PM, January 19th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Therapist agrees this is the best option because WW wants it and you are going along with it to keep it all nice nice But why? Why can't you have you time in your own house when she isn't there? You are right you didn't make the mess so why do you have to be uprooted?

Know you are 2nd choice here. Do you think she'd be wanting this time for herself if she was with her twin flaming asshole? Would you want this studio apartment every other week a different home if she never suggested it?

The more agreeable you are, the bigger the shit sandwich she feeds you. When is enough enough? Read Abonndad and Allatsea's posts from beginning to end. And figure out what YOU want with what is available to you. Your WW is not available to you.



Posts: 843 | Registered: May 2009
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 4:54 PM, January 19th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry Felco. She wasn't 'confused'. You being nice told her that what she was doing was ok. You agreed that you would separate.Tell her to GTF out. You will share the studio. If she doesn't like that, she can find a roommate.

Felco, forget sharing a studio. Tell her she WILL find her own apartment. You will have your alone time when she has the kids. Don't waiver, and please, don't do ANYTHING that makes her think what she is doing is ok.

Felco - you're still allowing her to call the shots by letting her waiver on leaving. She wanted to separate, so say bye bye and throw her shit into hefty bags!


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1893 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 6:23 PM, January 19th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is war and she is the enemy.

Hi, Felco. This advice/statement was one of the hardest for me to internalize, and likely it is for you as well. It is so counter-intuitive that the person whom we went to for solace, comfort, love, security...is now our enemy? It defies logic. They can't be right. Somewhere in there is the woman whom you fell in love with and who fell in love with you.

But there is not. Or if she is "in there," she is so far away that you must treat her as gone, as the enemy--the bringer of pain. To act with this--or at least as IF it is true--is the only way out. Do what you need to do to protect yourself and fall apart later.

I also got this same bullshit line: let's trade-off in the separation apartment. Thankfully even in my desperation to "get her back" I had presence of mind to say, "No way." She needs to go. Not you. It's just a way for her to "level the playing field," ethically. If you BOTH sort of move out, then you are both equally culpable. It is not so.

Continued strength through the storm.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1622 | Registered: Dec 2012
allatsea
♂ Member
Member # 38923
Default  Posted: 7:00 AM, January 20th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Felco,

It seems as if Abbondad and I are infamous for our ongoing battles with our (un)respective WW's.

If my thread and the pain and anguish that are apparent within it can be used by someone like you to accelerate your understanding of the WW mindset then something positive can be salvaged from the mess that is my life.
It took me a long time to accept that the person who I thought I was married to was long gone or maybe never even there to begin with. In fact, I still spend far too much time wondering if she has always had this personality within her.

I can also say that standing your ground and fighting her is the only way to get across that what she has done is unnacceptable to you. I wanted my wife back more than anything in the world. I would have given my left testicle for that to happen. I was fed so much bullshit by her and I wanted to believe. I was feeding her ego and if I accepted her bullshit she remained superficially amicable. I started to see inconsistencies and confronted her. This was when I discovered that she was still seeing OM behind my back and actually in the family home when the children were there.

Her mask immediately came off and super bitch appeared. I walked around in shock for another few months wondering how my wife could be so schizophrenic. I still thought she would realise that the OM was a fantasy and would have a dawning realisation but it never happened.

Please work out what you are prepared to accept.


AAS

[This message edited by allatsea at 7:49 AM, January 20th (Monday)]


Me 40
WW 38
Together 19 years
Married for 9
DS(1) 9
DS(2) 7
Dday 10th Feb 2013
She moved in with POS and took kids 23rd Mar 2013. WW now has new baby
Divorced April 2014

Posts: 695 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
allatsea
♂ Member
Member # 38923
Default  Posted: 2:26 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It would seem that Felco has left us?

I do hope he can find a way through this. I hope he isn't back again in 12 months when/ if she does it again :(

[This message edited by allatsea at 2:28 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday)]


Me 40
WW 38
Together 19 years
Married for 9
DS(1) 9
DS(2) 7
Dday 10th Feb 2013
She moved in with POS and took kids 23rd Mar 2013. WW now has new baby
Divorced April 2014

Posts: 695 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
Felco
♂ Member
Member # 41675
Default  Posted: 7:15 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, two nights ago I told her I can't do this shit anymore. I said we either are doing an in house separation with switching off days with the kids or divorcing.
She couldn't decide and me being me said we will do the in house separation.
She said a few things that stuck to me.
She left the room and I went back out and said to her: I feel like you are done and I am not going to being waiting for something that is not there. I told her you care about no one bit yourself and is very selfish. It's been 6 weeks and I have not seen any change. So, we are getting a divorce.
Went to my room. She came back and said I will try! Can I sleep I the your bed. I said no. I said I do t think you want this. Please can I sleep in here. No.
The next morning she said I will try! I said I don't know what you want.
The next evening she says: my dad says we should move my mattress in the bedroom. I said why? So we can be closer. I told her I don't think it is time for that.
Next morning, yesterday, she says to me I want to talk to you but need to figure my head out as she makes circle motions with her arms around her heAd.
Left it at that.
Came home last night and she seems, normal. Ask me questions and engages some.
I am now having my lite anxiety that she is leaning towards D.
I really am struggling. I can't believe that she is just making a the effort!
I hate this shit!

Posts: 131 | Registered: Dec 2013
allatsea
♂ Member
Member # 38923
Default  Posted: 7:23 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She is cake eating.

She can't decide what she wants but keeps you attached and close by.
She wants the security and affection she gets from good, old reliable husband.

If she is leaning toward D then you have to take the lead. File for divorce and give her what she wants. Don't beg or plead as you will end up exactly where she wants you.

Your marriage is already over. If you somehow manage to stay together you would both need to build from the ashes. It is simply not possible to carry on where you left off even if that's her preferred route


Me 40
WW 38
Together 19 years
Married for 9
DS(1) 9
DS(2) 7
Dday 10th Feb 2013
She moved in with POS and took kids 23rd Mar 2013. WW now has new baby
Divorced April 2014

Posts: 695 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
Blobette
♀ Member
Member # 36519
Default  Posted: 7:58 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please, Felco, STOP ENGAGING! She really needs to understand what it is she has to lose. She has to truly fear that she's alienated you to the extent that you can't come back. Every time you engage with her, the better she feels that she still has you under her thumb. NC NC NC. But I'm proud of you for refusing to have her in your bedroom. Great step! Take it further now. Tell her if she needs to work things out, it's on her. You can't be any part of her fucked up thinking -- can she really expect you to be sympathetic? Absurd. NC NC NC.

I'm rooting for you!


BS (me): 50
WS: 50
Married: 26 yrs
Kids: 2
OW: Co-worker, 7 yr LTA
DD 8/1/2012, Working on R

Posts: 1060 | Registered: Aug 2012
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 8:17 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Felco,

I concur with Allatsea: she is continuing her charade of ambivalence at your expense. She senses weakness (in the form of your love for her) and is taking advantage of it. Don't let her back "in," in any sense of the word.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1622 | Registered: Dec 2012
Felco
♂ Member
Member # 41675
Default  Posted: 8:45 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Like a chump, while she was showering in my room and i was leaving I say bye in a shitty low tone. I know I should have just left. I do sense she is feeling "strong". And I start allowing fear to set in. I am having such a hard time. Every moment is up or down.
We both are going to IC on Thursday. I am assuming she will "talk" to me and feel like it is going to D. If so, I will file on Friday.
Crazy shit!

Posts: 131 | Registered: Dec 2013
Edith
♀ Member
Member # 38337
Default  Posted: 10:31 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Felco, It sounds like you are so wrapped up in trying to save the M that you (like so many of us) are willing to accept waaaay less than you deserve. Is it okay for you to be her emergency backup relationship?? You deserve better.

In the 4 years post D-day, I have made myself a promise. I compete with no one except myself, and if my H makes me feel as though I need to compete for HIM, I am 100% done. Take care.

E.


Lies are manipulations. Always.

Posts: 385 | Registered: Feb 2013
Twitchy
♂ Member
Member # 25393
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We both are going to IC on Thursday. I am assuming she will "talk" to me and feel like it is going to D. If so, I will file on Friday.

If she announced on Thursday that she wants a divorce, then you file on Firday, you come off as doing her biding.

Go get the forms today. Fill them out and have them ready when you get home from IC. Let her know on Thursday that YOUR going to file. Take control back in this siutation. Stop laying your heart on the floor then being surprized when she stomps on it.

Don't have a discussion. TELL her you're open to R but as long as she can't make up her mind you have to move on. Then end the conversation andn don't engage. Detach and 180 hard for your own sanity.


BH(me)-49, FWW-43,
D-Day #1 - Oct 2007 - On-Line EA leading to a failed rendez-vous
D-Day #2 - Nov 2008 - In person EA caught early.

Away you will go, sailing in a race among the ruins.
If you plan to face tomorrow, do it soon. Gordon Lightfoot


Posts: 636 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Ontario - Canada
StillStanding1
♀ Member
Member # 40144
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

^^^^^^ Agree 100%

As long as she feels she's in control, she just continues to manipulate you.

PLEASE. Don't let her. She doesn't deserve you with what she's done and how she's acting. Show her you still have self-respect left. Then, maybe, she will start to respect you too.

She only gets to come back to the M IF she's begging, pleading, working, changing, and kissing your derriere in any possible way. Until then, you really need to move on.

I'm so very sorry. I know it hurts more than anything you've ever dreamed possible.


Me: 40s BS, Him: 40s WH
M 21 yrs - 3 teens
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, he moved out, he officially moved back in 1/25/14 and our work continues...

Posts: 692 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
ascian
♂ Member
Member # 40304
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Like a chump

Felco,

Take a breath and relax a bit. We all engage in negative self-talk, but you have to catch yourself if that negativity becomes habitual. "I messed up" is fine, "I'm a chump" just tears you down.

So, it's alright. You engaged when you shouldn't have, we've all done it. The important thing is, once you catch yourself doing that, take a moment to recognize it, then return to the 180. It takes time and practice to build habits, and constructive failure isn't something to be ashamed of.


Me - BH 39
Her - FWW 36
D-Day: 8/13
Working on R

Posts: 299 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Midwest
Felco
♂ Member
Member # 41675
Default  Posted: 3:45 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree I should keep it more positive.
I made the decision to go home after a class and tell WW that I am filing for divorce and I am moving shit out of a room and she can stay in theree until she finds a place.
I am left with not much else. I dont want to wait and have her decide so I will do it.
I printed the papers and will go down tomorrow.
Sad day
I am very hurt that she has lead me to do this.
I need to for myself

Posts: 131 | Registered: Dec 2013
Getting to Happy
♀ Member
Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 3:54 AM, January 23rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

...like you are so wrapped up in trying to save the M that you (like so many of us) are willing to accept waaaay less than you deserve.

This ^^^^^is it in a nutshell.

I have a question...What do you think you deserve??

I don't think you said 'I Do' to be a 'plan B'? To let your selfish WW cake-eat, right in your face, to subjugate yourself so much that it seems like SHE is the victim?. Your needs to be met, she needs to comfort YOU! Do you see how wrong and your current condition is?

She have gravely injured you. She should be empathetically reaching out to you with love, affection; she needs to have trepidation regarding your triggers. Your WW is not giving you shit! She is behaving in a backward manner, like it is up to you to nurture her while she pines for flame boy!

Shake her up. Ignore her. Don't engage.

...tell WW that I am filing for divorce

Please stop telling her what your next move is. She is not acting like your loving wife anymore...shes not part of the team.

Just file and have her served. She will get the idea.

We all have said this all alone. Man up and do what is right for you and your kids first. Don't include her in your dealings. She is only looking out for herself.

If you give her a heads up she will attempt to manipulate you into submission. Don't give her that chance, a good defense is great offense. Hit her with all you've got!

Felco you are reaching the anger stage. Use this rage as a tool and protect and serve yourself.

You can do this! Please...No more telling her your next move. K?

Take Care (((((Felco)))))

edited to make sense!

[This message edited by Getting to Happy at 9:29 AM, January 23rd (Thursday)]


WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Unknown


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