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Newest Member: formerlyjoyful (44597)

New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: reflections on my xww
ProbableIceCream
♂ Member
Member # 37468
Default  Posted: 5:27 PM, December 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She has never held a driver's license or given driving a serious effort. She claims to be afraid of it. She's 28.

She doesn't take care of herself and due to the medical condition she has I'll be surprised if she makes it another 10 years, if she keeps going like this.

I think she benefits from people swooping in to rescue her or to be sympathetic to her or give her a free pass on things like quitting jobs or not working or being tired/depressed because of her getting sick so much and her inability to drive (i mean jesus, the amount of time i spent during the marriage driving her around... and the new guy is doing the same thing). I'm sure it's not pleasant day to day on a conscious level, but it seems like it's some sort of toxic, dysfunctional comfort zone. Ugh. I can't believe I put up with that shit for roughly 8 years.

Anyway, back to our regularly scheduled programming.


Me, 32. DD, 8. DS, 6 (deceased).

D-Day was April 2012. Divorced Jul 2013. Moved ~1000 miles away (as the crow flies) Jul 2014.


Posts: 791 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Pacific Northwest
suckstobeme
♀ Member
Member # 30853
Default  Posted: 6:41 PM, December 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's amazing what many of us put up with in our marriages. At the time, you just think, " this is what needs to be done, so I'll do it.". Then after the discovery of the A and the level of betrayal that they dumped on us, you start to realize how lop sided everything was and how much you over functioned to over compensate for a partner who failed at a lot of the practical, essential parts of life.

My exWH is a professional with a graduate level degree. But he's also one of the most practically stupid people I've ever met. I didn't always think this way, but now, I often think to myself, "was he really this stupid when we were married?". He has almost no common sense, no knowledge of how to handle money, and no parental instincts whatsoever. He's like an alien life form who can't function around normal, reasonable, rational thinking people.

I guess we see what we want through the eyes of love. Once that love disappears, look out - those masks drop off quick and we see them for who and what they really are.


BW - me
ExWH - "that one"
D - 2011
You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve.
Hard as it may be, try to never give the OP any of your power or head space.

Posts: 2750 | Registered: Jan 2011
tryingagain74
♀ Member
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 8:46 PM, December 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yep. I forgave a lot. I looked past so many things because I knew that love and marriage weren't supposed to be like Harlequin romance novels where the male romantic lead is either perfect or changed into perfect by the female lead's love for him. I figured that we both had our quirks, and we took the good with the bad.

But once I stepped back and saw what I was putting up with after DDay... let's just say that I spackled the heck out of my XWH, who was a moldy basement wall that was flaking away. I realized that it was time to knock the wall down since there wasn't any enough spackle in the world to hold it together.


BS (Me) 39
Happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3571 | Registered: Oct 2011
StillLivin
♀ Member
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 2:39 PM, December 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At the time, you just think, " this is what needs to be done, so I'll do it.". Then after the discovery of the A and the level of betrayal that they dumped on us, you start to realize how lop sided everything was and how much you over functioned to over compensate for a partner who failed at a lot of the practical, essential parts of life.

OMG...^^^this!
I'm still having epiphanies about the lopsidedness of my entire M. Ok, to be fair, maybe not the 2 years we dated or the first year and a half we were married, but after that, EVERYTHING fell on me.

then this

I looked past so many things because I knew that love and marriage weren't supposed to be like Harlequin romance novels where the male romantic lead is either perfect or changed into perfect by the female lead's love for him. I figured that we both had our quirks, and we took the good with the bad.


I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2210 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
better4me
♀ Member
Member # 30341
Default  Posted: 5:00 PM, December 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

oh, me too.

When I think about the way I made excuses for him to my friends, to my children, to myself. "He's a nice guy, treats me well and is good to me even if he is a)depressed b)unemployed and not looking for work c)smoking a pack a day of cigarettes that I've paid for d)drinking too much rum that I've paid for. I'd say "he'll get better, once he finds a job", or "once the kids leave home he will have a better relationship with them." or whatever

There were some good years early on, but wtf was I thinking those last two or three years? I often think that his AP did me a favor....

some sort of toxic, dysfunctional comfort zone
indeed!


DDay 11/17/2010 BW:52
Divorced

Posts: 3063 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Iowa
ProbableIceCream
♂ Member
Member # 37468
Default  Posted: 6:43 PM, December 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Much of my sense of loss came not so much from losing my XWW (in retrospect), it came from losing the dreams that were so strongly attached to her they felt like reality. But now that I'm discovering that these were only dreams, not reality, and were not by any means attached to or even remotely related to her.. it's easier in a way.

It is nice to have the old dreams, but it's nicer to have a clear head, to not have to deal with the crap I used to ignore, and to be making ACTUAL PROGRESS towards making things better and developing a new set of dreams.

(I mean, actual measurable progress! I never had that when I was married, other than stuff I worked on completely on my own, like work and school. Everything else just got gradually worse over time.)


Me, 32. DD, 8. DS, 6 (deceased).

D-Day was April 2012. Divorced Jul 2013. Moved ~1000 miles away (as the crow flies) Jul 2014.


Posts: 791 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Pacific Northwest
Topic Posts: 6

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