No matter the hue of his affair partner, he left his son. I think it really affects us because we see so many single black mothers and it is the "norm" in our community. I didn't want that for me or my family.
My XH's AP is from my country (Jamaica) and I think that hit me much harder than anything else. Like he was looking for a better version of me as she is a Med Student, who graduated from Cornell Unversity. After DDay he told me they have a stronger connection than he and I did.... Forget we been together 5 years and they been together a month. Forget we had a child together and they didn't. Forget we just got married and they just met...
I know he is constantly alone because she is busy as a third year med student... I have no idea what will happen to him when she starts her residency program and leaves him. I am studying to be a CPA and while I may never compare to her career as a doctor, I gave him love, support, and his first born. He bought her love with fancy dinners (that I never got because I met him a little after he got laid off from ESPN), expensive gifts and fantasy sex because they didn't live together nor had to pay bills.
We all have to understand that they cheat because of immaturity. Emotional immaturity. They definitely aren't thinking ahead and only satisfying their immediate wants. We are better, because we thought of the future. We just have to get use to them not in it.
Side note: I have to say, I am very impressed at the number of sisters here, seeking to be educated on this topic. The media depicts us horribly, like we are crazy, ghetto psychos who can't think logically. We aren't Love and Hip Hop, Basketball Wives, Wives of ATL and all those other shows. We are strong, intelligent and resilient women
You giving up the "grudge thing" would be great for one person and one person only. Him. He gets your 6 figure income to help subsidize his affairs.
Catwoman and Charity - it's a funny thing about the child support. It's actually from an OC and how he got CAUGHT the second to last time. An OW from 2008 took him to court. He hid it from me but after he lost started hanging out again. He intended to hide the OC and CS forever but the court never sent him his payment coupons/where to send the CS and he wasn't proactive enough to ask. So they put the CS on his credit report just as we were getting the house so I saw it on the credit report. So he paid it (actually they took it from our account ) and they are taking it back off his credit since they never sent the stuff. But if it hadn't been on his credit I wouldn't have found out, so it felt like divine intervention. That was the first time I filed for D but then I decided to try one more time after DS ended up in the hospital the very next day... Anyway, I agree a guy that doesn't pay his CS is smarmy and I never would have let him do that. In fact I checked up on him to make sure he paid during false R. Oh and he wants NOTHING to do with OC, still says she may not be his cause he didn't do the paternity test. He's never met her. It made me mad but now I think she's lucky
Movingforward - hey, the Snake is Jamaican too (sorry!). In fact he has several wayward Jamaican friends and people told me recently that cheating is pretty culturally accepted in Jamaica? probably no more than here. Yeah, good luck to your ex, residency is crazy. The Snake used that and distance to explain his first A (that I caught anyway) and I believed him
I am happy to see all the sisters. I work in the ER and when I diagnose most sisters with STDs they seem not to care they have been cheated on
Genuine people we are. We care, we love, and we get fucked over by those we love. But we are better off.
[This message edited by movingforward13 at 10:47 AM, December 27th (Friday)]
But then again, you can't understand crazy. I think he realizes now how bad he messed up but since I am not willing to rug sweep, he refuses to do the work to reconcile. I hope she is worth it.
So he thought to hide this from you? I assume you were already married at the time? If so, in my book, this is a double whammy--not coming clean with you and not paying child support.
Is he always so head-in-the-sand about difficult situations? If so, you probably cannot trust him to do the difficult work of reconciliation.
Unfortunately, since he had an existing C/S order, your COM will get less in support as a result
They cheat because they are broken. They cheat because they feel entitled. My ex comes from a polygamous family, so to him and his family, cheating is ok. My dad was polygamous, we suffered as a result and I do not want that life for me or my children.
We will be ok. We will survive!
"If only I can fight just a little longer, I know it's gonna make me stronger" Jamie Grace-Holding on.
Catwoman - yes he agreed to default so he wouldn't have to furnish my info and risk me being notified and incorporated into CS calculations. Yes he is always head in the sand and that's why R the first time was pathetic and the subsequent times were even worse. I was silly to think he'd change just to stop hurting me yeah the CS is less but I don't really need it, mainly asking because I am paying thousands for a nanny and will have to pay him a lot to keep the house
BrighterFuture - we are surviving for now. Soon we will THRIVE
[This message edited by thenon-goddess at 8:00 PM, December 27th (Friday)]