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User Topic: Another "years later" chump
Justgreatnews
♂ Member
Member # 41666
Default  Posted: 8:00 AM, December 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A little background first.

I have a beautiful wife. Beautiful but firey and emotional. We have a daughter now in her 20's. When my daughter was born, my wife was unready for the intense pressure of balancing motherhood and career.
She became angry most of the time. I am more retiring, and withdrew from her anger, withholding the thing she craved most, affection. Huge mistake.

After a few years she blindsided me one day saying she had rented an apartment because she "needed space". Assured me there was no one else, and no other way. Promised she would move back home in 6 months. Did not want to quit work or seek counseling. I caved, big mistake #2.

Six months became a year, but she did move home. Twice during that year I became suspicious, and asked about an affair. She vehemently, angrily denied. I backed off, again.

We went on to have a comfortable marriage. I never really forgave her, and she knew it, but accepted it.

A couple years after her return I was cleaning out a drawer and came upon some small cassette tapes. I listened to them to see if anything important was on them. One was something she had inadvertently recorded at her work. On the tape she and another man were openly flirting. It was sickening and embarrassing, but no "smoking gun" of an affair. I weighed confronting her, but her temper was so bad I elected to let it go, and block it out.

Fast forward 20 years. My wife has been on medication for anxiety for years, is now very involved in church, and is a much different woman. One night recently I had a dream about that tape, which is now long gone. It was so intense I almost woke her up to ask her about it. Again, I let it go. After stewing for a few days, I finally asked her about it.

Without hesitation she admitted everything. She had been involved in an affair with a man from work for nearly two years. She claims that she was so starved for affection she succumbed to his flattery, blah, blah. Didn't think I cared, that kind of BS.

I laid it out that if she had not been an angry bully at home, maybe I could have shown her the affection that was so easy for this guy to drum up in the office, while everyone is on their best behavior. She accepts that, and is completely remorseful and responsible for her wrongs.

Still, I feel like the biggest chump on the planet. Played for a fool, and obsessed day and night with the images of the two of them together. Like everyone, the worst, most painful experience of my life.

Its been 5 weeks, and I've progressed very little. We are seeing a therapist.

I've called the OM and tried to coax him out to settle this with our fists. He went complete coward. A really scared ninny. It sounds shallow, but showing him the danger of an angry husband is very important to me.


Posts: 261 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 9:14 AM, December 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome to SI, Justgreatnews. So sorry you have reason to be here, but glad you found your way to us.

First things first - you are NOT a chump, and her affair was NOT your fault. Not even a little.


She claims that she was so starved for affection she succumbed to his flattery, blah, blah. Didn't think I cared, that kind of BS.
This statement is trying to put the blame on you for not meeting her needs and on the OM for overpowering her with flattery. So it's not her fault, right? She's the victim? Bull. Don't buy into the "poor me" stuff. She had choices - lots of choices for how to deal with whatever she was feeling back then. She chose to betray you, break her vows, and lie about it for years. That's on her. Period.

You've just suffered a major trauma. Your mind and body are reacting to that in pretty dramatic ways. For now, your focus needs to be on YOU. Self care should be your primary focus. Eat something, even if you don't have an appetite. Drink plenty of water. Make a point of moving your body everyday in what ever way works for you - running, biking, hitting the gym, etc. Exercise will release endorphins and burn off some of the stress and anger you are feeling.

Keep posting. Keep reading. We're here for you.


You can call me NIK

There's always failure. And there's always disappointment. And there's always loss.
But the secret is learning from the loss, and realizing that none of those holes are vacuums.
- Michael J. Fox


Posts: 22565 | Registered: Aug 2011
Justgreatnews
♂ Member
Member # 41666
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, December 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, we've been all around the blame shifting dept. She tries to emphasize that she was feeling that way (unloved, starved for affection)at the time, but is not trying to use it as an excuse. She also says she was stupid, immature, etc.

I've told her that I can understand what she says, but that her statements are irrational, and not a reason to resort to adultery. She agrees, then tells me she is completely ashamed, responsible, remorseful, all that. I'm satisfied with her behavior during this phase, but still cannot forgive just yet.


Posts: 261 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States
kannan
♂ Member
Member # 36057
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, December 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

http://newsfeed.time.com/2011/12/30/99-year-old-man-files-for-divorce-over-1940s-affair/

Posts: 134 | Registered: Jul 2012
numb&dumb
♂ Member
Member # 28542
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, December 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First let me weigh in on a portion f your post that I am suited to give sound advice on.

I've called the OM and tried to coax him out to settle this with our fists.

Not a good idea. Why would you do that ? To prove who is the better man ? You already know you are the better man. Good people don't screw around with married co-workers. Bad person, bad employee and a coward to boot.

Having a physical altercation seems like ti would make you feel better, but trust me when I speak from experience it will not. An A is giving into what would feel good in the moment and ignoring the consequences. Beating up OM is the same thing. If we want to retain our core value (being strong for example) giving into these impulses implies that we are weak willed. It takes a lot more strength to hold back.

Also Om did not promise you anything, your W did. Your issues is with your W, not OM. OM could have been anybody and your W betrayed you on purpose. She made at least the choice to comply with his advances. Be mad at your W. OM is nothing and will remain to be so for the rest of his life.

She has 20 years to deal with this. It is new to you. Remind your W of that. Ask her what she can do to prove that the last 20 years of your life were not a lie. If she gets indignant remind her that she made that choice.

So things to through out there. Polygraph, paternity testing on your daughter. A willingness on your Ws part to undergo therapy to find out why she is the way she is.

Is she still an angry bully ? If she is demand that she get help to stop that. Things that wre tolerable in the past are no longer so.

So affair, being an angry bully. Sounds like she is abusive. That needs to change.

Stand up for yourself and demand she take these actions. Look up the 180 and stick to the plan until she comply. Don't concede, that never works. Trust me.


Me-35 her-35

DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.

Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.


Posts: 2455 | Registered: May 2010
Justgreatnews
♂ Member
Member # 41666
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, December 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Numb-

The paternity thing is no issue in my mind. No question at all. There was no hint of distance between us until after the birth. That birth of our child was actually the problem, as she didn't get messed up till she became a mom. Obviously, she had some type of Post Partum Depression thing, mixed with other stuff going on. Also, my daughter looks, acts strongly like me.

My wife's "angry bully" stage ended years ago, when she got on some medication. She's still hot-blooded, but not a bully or abusive, especially now.

I have to disagree with you on the issue of settling with the other man. Your arguments are all valid, and wise with respect to the law, etc. However, Our society is much to tolerant in general.

I believe that all men should be aware, even expect that if they fool around with a married woman a husband will soon be 'round to make them regret it. I believe this is an issue of honor, and history, and should still be applicable today. I grew up believing this, and would never dream of touching another man's wife. No one should feel safe doing that. This should be the tenor our society accepts.

[This message edited by Justgreatnews at 11:03 AM, December 26th (Thursday)]


Posts: 261 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States
MC_Jack
♂ Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, December 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, fyi, I can relate.

Her bad behaviors drive me away. Up until recently, she was never able to acknowledge or take responsibility for them. It is punishing to be around someone with anxiety who thinks nothing is ever good enough...

We had a separation 15 years ago. She would have had an affair and ultimately left the marriage if her brother had not suddenly died the following month.

SO, you need forget about OM. You have no knowledge of what was said or what he knew. It was a long time ago, he might not even be the same person...

In addition you need to see your WW for who she is today. Try to get there as best as you can.

In fact, in my situation, I think I have forgiven the A. What I haven't forgiven is the whole marriage in which she made our lives unhappy yet took zero responsibility for her share of the marriage.

[This message edited by MC_Jack at 11:20 AM, December 26th (Thursday)]


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" in the spirit of a handle like "MC Hammer" or Young MC"...there is a lot of 'rapping' here, no? At the time I did not know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 791 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: West Coast of Hopa-hopa-land
numb&dumb
♂ Member
Member # 28542
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, December 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is your decision, but I have been there and done that for similar reasons you describe. It does not accomplish what you think it will. Just saying. Take it or leave it.


Me-35 her-35

DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.

Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.


Posts: 2455 | Registered: May 2010
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 3:33 PM, December 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome. I'm glad that you found us. I'm not happy for the reason none of us really want to be here, but I am very glad that you found us for support.

I'm glad that you're seeing a therapist. Be warned, that just because someone has a degree to paste after their name doesn't mean that they are cut out to be effective infidelity councilors. During your first meeting, be sure that the IC is going to FIRST, as the #1 priority, address the A and getting you through that trauma. If your house is on fire and the yard needs trimming, you don't get the lawnmower. You grab the fire extinguisher, call fire department, and then spend the next night and day watching for sparks that might flare up again. You don't mow the lawn. And addressing anything but the A and the aftereffects of the A on you is lawn mowing. Stand up, walk out, and find another IC.

You are no more a chump any are any of us. When you marry, it's both an official and implied agreement that you have each other's backs. That you will be honest and faithful and truthful. That you will hold the other person's needs as greater than your own. YOU didn't violate that agreement. YOU had every right and expectation that these were the "rules" that you were engaged in together. The fact that your WW betrayed you, is all on her.

If you haven't done so already, please look up in the upper left corner, at the yellow box, and click on The Healing Library. Start reading. Some really good information for you in there. Knowledge is power. You might also want to go down to the I Can Relate forum and click on the thread for Betrayed Men. Great group of guys who can help you a lot.

Come back often for support. We are ALL here for you.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4085 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Justgreatnews
♂ Member
Member # 41666
Default  Posted: 5:00 PM, December 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I appreciate the words of support, and empathy. And for Mr. Numb, I know your only giving good advice, no hard feelings. I'm mostly on an outrage kick, but really do feel conviction about this. Everyone has their own looney moral principle.

I may be trying to protect her on here a little bit, just out of habit. Today she really is a very good and honorable person the overwhelming majority of the time. Not at all like she was 20 years ago. There is really nothing that I could ask from her that she is not gladly providing. She's told me many times she will do anything, even if its unreasonable. Its turned into a little bit of a running gag, which offers a little lighter mood at times.

She inherited this strong assertive streak from her dad, which got twisted during a stressful part of our marriage. Rest assured, I've pretty well laid her previous shortcomings bare the last few weeks. There have been no emotional punches pulled, that's for sure. Lots of pent up stuff that should have come out years ago. So much regret from all corners.

I'm just overflowing with anger, resentment and heartbreak right now, and my only outlet is a woman that thought she'd dealt with, or overcame this business 20 years ago.


Posts: 261 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States
justjim
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Member # 41150
Default  Posted: 6:23 PM, December 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I believe that all men should be aware, even expect that if they fool around with a married woman a husband will soon be 'round to make them regret it. I believe this is an issue of honor, and history, and should still be applicable today. I grew up believing this, and would never dream of touching another man's wife. No one should feel safe doing that. This should be the tenor our society accepts.

I agree. Actions have consequences.

However, you called him out. He punked out. Hopefully your wife now knows what kind of man she jeopardized her marriage and family for.

You've made your point. You can let it go now. You will always be the man who remained true to his vows and raised his child... he will always be the guy who pissed himself when his chickens came home to roost.


Follow your BRAIN.
Your HEART is stupid as shit.

Posts: 260 | Registered: Oct 2013
Justgreatnews
♂ Member
Member # 41666
Default  Posted: 6:28 PM, December 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

JustJim-

Thanks. That made me feel better. You're a swell guy.

You've inspired me. I think I'll send the POS OM a box of Depends!

[This message edited by Justgreatnews at 6:31 PM, December 26th (Thursday)]


Posts: 261 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States
justjim
♂ Member
Member # 41150
Default  Posted: 6:47 PM, December 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think I'll send the POS OM a box of Depends!

You'll have to send me one, also.

Cause I'll pee myself laughing!


Follow your BRAIN.
Your HEART is stupid as shit.

Posts: 260 | Registered: Oct 2013
stronger08
♂ Member
Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 8:06 PM, December 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As most OM are just scumbags who poach off of another mans land its no surprise he took the cowards way out. Because he is, was and always will be a coward. As for your WW, you say she is remorseful and ashamed. The question I would ask is if she really felt that way why did she keep this terrible secret ? A truly remorseful person would have come forward years ago. I'm sure she was afraid of what you would do, but that did not stop her from cheating in the first place. As it was said she has had 20 years to deal with this issue. But for you this is a brand new hurt and must be dealt with in that context. You also must refrain from taking any responsibility for her actions. She had choices at that time and she also took the cowards way out and had an A. To me you are not a chump. I don't see why you would feel that way. You did nothing wrong here, she was and is the wrong one. All you did was be a trusting husband who extended her the courtesy of your marital vows. Don't let this shit be swept under a rug or minimized because so much time has past. Infidelity, like murder has no statute of limitations. Welcome and good luck bro. Please keep posting and reading.


You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 5412 | Registered: Nov 2007
workindad
♂ New Member
Member # 41790
Default  Posted: 8:07 PM, December 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Post POSOM on cheaterville.

While this is old news for your wife. It is brand new for you. She must realize that. Is she willing to work through the issue with you? It doesn't seem like it since she is blame shifting her actions to you.


Posts: 15 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States
Justgreatnews
♂ Member
Member # 41666
Default  Posted: 10:17 PM, December 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As for why she did not tell me years ago, I grilled her over this, and here's the lowdown.

In those days I truly was pretty bad about the "I don't want to talk about it" routine. I avoided any deep topic I could. She admits she lied out of shame, returned, and was initially afraid to talk about it.
She also felt I probably already had figured things out due to my behavior; I was cool, resentful. She thought I knew, was furious, and would not lower myself to speak of it. She also feared talking about the situation might spur me to do something that could hurt someone, cost me my job, her career, and general great harm to our family. I can say it is fairly certain I would have injured this man at that time.

I laid into her over this subject, too. Telling her I did not know, but deserved the truth.

There is substance to what she says, though. I did behave that way, and handle problems in some of those ways. The possibility of me doing something that could have had serious repercussions upon my career at that time would have been great. (I have since retired that career, and begun another, so I am no longer worried about my paycheck so much.)

So, I do not defend her failure to confess to me. But I do understand it.


Posts: 261 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States
HardenMyHeart
♂ Member
Member # 15902
Default  Posted: 11:27 PM, December 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I believe that all men should be aware, even expect that if they fool around with a married woman a husband will soon be 'round to make them regret it. I believe this is an issue of honor, and history, and should still be applicable today. I grew up believing this, and would never dream of touching another man's wife. No one should feel safe doing that. This should be the tenor our society accepts.

I grew up believing this too. It was sort of an unwritten rule among men with honor.

Still, I feel like the biggest chump on the planet. Played for a fool, and obsessed day and night with the images of the two of them together. Like everyone, the worst, most painful experience of my life.

There are quite a few of us that have entered "the biggest chump" competition. I would rather be a chump than a cheater.


Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 29 years, Happily Reconciled

Posts: 5613 | Registered: Aug 2007
Justgreatnews
♂ Member
Member # 41666
Default  Posted: 6:01 AM, December 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I realize I'm making this sound like my wife and I are both terribly mean people. Its not really that way. She had a tendency to take things out on me. I grew up the youngest of 4 boys, and (right or wrong) was conditioned that to solve problems or right wrongs, you often had to do that with your fists.


Posts: 261 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States
workindad
♂ New Member
Member # 41790
Default  Posted: 6:27 AM, December 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok so your wife is consistent and clear. The reason she lied to you all these years is because it was your fault. And you seem to accept that. Interesting. Good luck.

I do wish you both the very best.


Posts: 15 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States
Justgreatnews
♂ Member
Member # 41666
Default  Posted: 7:07 AM, December 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

^^Nah, I've told her that the not telling me was BS, that I deserved the truth, and an apology at the time. She concedes that, has apologized, if that means anything to you.

Its probably contradictory, but like I said, I can understand that she might have felt I knew, and did not want to discuss it. Not a healthy way to handle things, but that was our marriage in those days.

It would be a hard decision for anyone to make. I'd have done something with the potential for severe negative repercussions. A Catch-22.


Posts: 261 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States
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