One of my FOO issues has to be the feeling I have when I'm a second priority. Now note that this is related to the A, but in no means am I suggesting BBF made me feel second place, so therefore I went and had As. No, he is not at fault here for that.
I was the second and youngest child. I never really was the baby of the family, though. It just seemed rather, "Eh, we did this before." When it came to raising me. This is evidenced by the fact that there's plenty of photos of my sister growing up, but with me, there's not that many. I think the part that hurts the most is that there was always a baby photo of my sister on the dresser, but not of me. In my own weird way, I dealt with this by actually convincing myself it was me. That all these photos of my sister's birthday party was really of mine! Things like that.
My mom had an A, shit hit the fan, they divorced and she went to live with OM. Years later, I look through the divorce paperwork. Isn't it joyous to be dehumanized and "shared" like you're some sort of property?
My mom had her own issues with validation. My sister took up cheer leading, and my mom jumped on board. With all the nice, shiny trophies, it fed into my mom's ego. All the other team members thought she was cool, and the parents liked her too. She didn't have to be seen for what she done to us.
With me, I took up drawing, but she took the bare minimum interest in it. She'd buy me art supplies, but this was dollar store quality stuff. Stuff that can barely be used. If you're an artist, you might understand the major difference between Roseart and Prismacolor.
Again, bare minimum because the most she could get out of it is "look, PNR drew that! Isn't she such a great drawer?" No shiny trophies. No asspats from fellow parents. Nothing.
So now, if I have a feeling of being second, I trigger. That's not to be confused with "not getting what I want". If I want tuna casserole for dinner, but I don't get it, I don't trigger. But say if someone promises me they'd help me shovel so I can get to work on time, but then I'm out there ALONE, yeah, I feel shat on.
But here's where it all comes full circle. I treated BBF like second place during the As. This is true, it hurts, therefore I carry this burden. Now, the incident with the snow shoveling happened. But...do I not have the right to express my frustration? I feel like in order to heal, my feelings have to be on the back burner. If I'm angry, regardless of what it is, the thought of "well, you cheated" comes racing to me, so I stuff. And stuff. Until something unrelated makes me throw a fit.
I hate how I handle anger. Imagine a little child slamming doors, kicking and screaming. That's me. But that's all I know. That's how I was taught. I'd like it to not be the case, but then again, I feel like I can't express anger due to my As.
I don't know what to do. I just feel anxious about everything. Me- WGF 22
Him- BBF 21
September 26th, 2013
"A lesson is learned. Life is. Simply. There is no Death. There is no Before. There is no After. All is in Flux. Simply."